Amber Easton

I fucked up. Big time.

The pounding headache feels like nothing compared to the guilt I'm experiencing right now.

I flip around in my bedsheets, stretching out my hand to feel some warmth, but nobody's by my side. Just when my heart starts plummeting to my stomach at the absence of Harry, I hear some shuffling in the kitchen, meaning he's still somewhere around here.

I've been going in and out of sleep all day today, every once in a while waking up to check if he hasn't left me alone in this apartment. I've tried so hard to get out of bed, but still haven't brought myself to do it.

I woke up for the first time because of a nightmare I'd just had. Sweating and panting — still very drunk — I shot up from my bed at 4 am, but Harry next to me immediately brought me back to lay down, gently caressing my head to fall back to sleep — so I did.

I woke up for the second time when I'd felt the mattress beside me shift. At 8 am, I was so panicked to see Harry standing up from the bed because I'd thought he'd leave, and wouldn't come back ever again. He'd said he was just getting breakfast, so I made him promise he would stay in my apartment until we'd be able to talk — so he did.

He stayed in my apartment all the frantic times I'd woken up. He helped me change the bedsheets when I was sweating the intoxication out and stayed by my side to watch Friends when I physically just couldn't get out of bed because of my head spinning so hard.

Now that I've woken up for about the 6th time, I finally feel like a human being. I slowly sit up on the bed, my head still pounding, but it's not nearly as unbearable as it'd been just a mere hour ago.

The clock on my bedside table shows it's 1 am now, and I feel my heart pound at the fact Harry's been so patient with me for all these hours — maybe that's why I'm reluctant on getting up.

Mustering up the courage, I finally decide to stand up, holding onto the wall for balance. Thinking about last night, my head pounds once again — the night's so blurry and clear at the same time. I have these hazy dark spots in my memory, but if I concentrate enough, vivid flashbacks come back to me so sharply.

Knowing I won't be able to go back to sleep this time, I pull on the first sweatshirt I spot and slide on a random pair of leggings.

My hand tiredly finds the bedroom's doorknob, but I immediately wince having to apply pressure because my skin's still so irritated; there are no visible signs of the water heat burns, but it always hurts for days.

Finally entering my kitchen, I see only Harry's unruly hair, as he's digging through my shelves like trying to find something. He then turns around to face me, startle written across his features at my unexpected arrival.

For a couple of seconds, I don't know what to do — so I just stand there.

He scans down my figure trying to figure out if I need something. Once he's done with his examination, he pushes on a smile, "Hey... How are you feeling?"

"Good." I nod, starting to feel a bit intimidated by his deep look at me.

For another second, neither of us knows what to do — so I take a step toward him.

And another step. And another —
Until we're about an inch standing apart from each other.

His gaze doesn't leave me at all before I break our eye contact by wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my cheek on his chest to hear his increasing heartbeat.

Surprisingly enough, he wraps his arms around my body too and takes in a deep breath to warm me in his embrace.

"Why did you lie?" He hugs me even tighter in his hold, not letting me go.

His fingers anxiously play with my hair. "When I asked you if I'd see you soon... You said I would, but you didn't mean it."

"I'm sorry." That is all I can whisper without breaking down in front of him. My hitched breath hits his neck, creating a small trail of goosebumps along his skin.

"Amber?" My heart leaps at his serious tone. "I just wish you'd trust me enough to be a little more truthful and open."

I take in a deep breath, wanting to just run away from this situation, but the hugging position we're in right now doesn't quite let me. "I'm trying so hard, Harry."

"You've got no idea how hard I'm trying." I press my face into his chest in hopes to hide away from him a bit. "Please, believe me. I just—"

"Amber, I don't expect you to spill your whole heart out to me in an instant. I know it must be extremely difficult for you." His one hand twirls a piece of my hair, while the other gently draws circles on my lower back. "We can start with the little things, yeah?"

"Sure." I let out a huge breath of relief, not realizing I'd been so tense. I feel so grateful he's not forcing me into confessing, and I make it my duty to try to open up a little more.

"Okay." He hugs me even tighter, now making my stomach do a flip. "So let's try this again."

He pulls back at me to meet my hazy eyes properly. He seems to inspect the redness in them, before softly asking, "How are you feeling?"

"I already answered that when I—" The words quickly spill past my lips but he arches a brow at my answer, making my sentence trail off.

"Right. I feel horrible. Like a fucking vegetable." I rub my eyes, my words laced with pure honesty.

"There we go." He grins, a genuine smile this time. "You should have something to eat, then. An empty stomach will only make it worse."

"Honestly? I feel sick even thinking about food." I admit, still locked in his embrace. "The only thing that seems edible right now is a huge burger from Jack In The Box."

"Okay. So let's go get it." He says without hesitation, making me chuckle a bit.

"Harry, we're in the suburbs," I state the obvious. "The nearest fast food place is at least 5 miles away. I'm not in the mood to walk that long distance today."

He stares at me for a moment, his eyes watching my every movement as he warily says, "...I have a car parked outside in the lot."

"Nope." Without another thought, I cut him off before he could even imply wanting to go on a drive. Noticing I've become very tense, he slowly leaves feathery touches on my skin to release some of the anxiety.

"I was thinking maybe we could give it a try." He continues despite me shaking my head. "I'll drive extra carefully, I promise."

"Harry..."

"Of course, you don't have to force yourself. I can assure you I'd be driving under the speed limit and keep my eyes on the road at all times."

I decide to keep quiet from the fact the thought of speed and accidents doesn't bother me as much as just being inside a vehicle. "You know... We could just post mate the damn food."

"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" He shrugs, taking one step back to the exit door, and pulling me with him by the hand.

"There is no fun in driving either." I give him a serious look as he continues to slowly drag us out, now making me put on my shoes.

"Of course, there is. Have you heard of the adrenaline it gives you, Amber? It's the best fucking thing." He's now stopped to wait for me to pull on my sneakers, but I don't make a move.

"No. I'm serious, Harry." I stare at the shoes waiting to be put on.

"Okay. We'll just go take a look at it from the outside. That's also fun. You've never seen a car as nice as mine, I swear." He's so set on making me go with him, that I can't say no.

I don't even know why I'm tying up my shoelaces right now. I guess taking a look at his car is the least I could do to somehow pay back for not attending his show — which we still haven't discussed. I know we'll have to talk about it later, but right now I'm trying to do everything I can to lessen the impending guilt I'm feeling.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." I almost roll my eyes, trying to divert my attention somewhere else from my nerves.

"It'll be alright, Amber. I'm proud of you." He smiles, now locking the door to my apartment behind us.

He feels my hands shaking more than they usually do, so he closes his hands around mine stronger to help them stay still.

"I do have one question for you. It's been bugging me this whole day." He starts, making me nervously swallow.

My silence is what encourages him to continue. "Where... Where did all the food I bought you go? There are only a few items left on your shelves." He tries to ask it casually, but by the way his voice just wavered, I hear it's really been bothering him.

"I..." I contemplate on whether or not I should tell him the truth, in case he gets mad.

"Amber." I hear him getting a bit more irritated, but he still slowly leads me downstairs. "Tell me where the food went."

"I brought it to the homeless shelter." I breathe out the truth quickly, preparing myself to get shouted at.

"Oh." His intimidating tone is gone in a split second, replaced by surprise.

Before he's gotten the chance to get mad, I try to defend my action. "As much as I appreciated the gesture, Harry... Realistically, I never would've been able to consume it before it all went bad."

"Just don't be mad at me for that, please." I hesitantly take another step down with him, my shoulders tensing up.

"Why on earth would I be mad at you?" Harry's shock hasn't left his frown for a second, as we've now taken the last steps down the staircase. It's like he'd been expecting me to have thrown all the things out or something.

"Because I may have come off as ungrateful... or it's not what you wanted me to do." I have the urge to fiddle with my nailbeds, but Harry's hands around mine are what's stopping me.

"That would be a bit dickish and controlling of me, don't you think?" His words have struck me in awe because I've never thought of it as controlling. In my past relationships, I'd usually get yelled at if I wanted to do something my way instead of what was put on a platter for me.

"Right." I nod, dreading going outside to check out the vehicle.

"You ready?" He stands in front of me, asking a useless question.

Not entirely knowing what's ahead of me, I nod my head, letting him guide me outside, the midnight chilly air hitting me instantly.

My eyes scan over the half-empty parking lot, finding a certain automobile under the lamp post that I've never seen before in this area. My palm locked in his, we take a few careful steps in the direction of the car to inspect in this half-darkness.

I warily observe the facade of the snow-white Audi, which must've cost a fortune. The tinted windows, custom wheels, and the color shaded to perfection would make any person nearly gasp like I just did.

"What do you think, eh?" His grin makes my heart flutter even when I'm so nervous.

"I mean, it's a... pretty car?" I scratch the back of my head, staring right at the expensive model.

"Is it pretty enough for you to get in?" He tries once again.

"It's too pretty for me to ruin the salon with fast food grease." I try to steer clear of the proposition, but he shakes his head in denial.

"You know I don't care about any of that shit, right?" He cocks a cheeky smile, making my breath hitch in my throat, knowing I owe him this after the fiasco performance.

The least I could do is go on a drive with him. I mean, it's my problem with cars, therefore I shouldn't come off as a burden to him.

"Hey..." He grabs both sides of my face, making my eyes snap to his. "Don't panic, okay? The car has an extra safety system, so it's safe to say we won't get in an accident. Do you trust me?"

"I trust you, yeah," I mumble, focusing on my rapid breathing.

Now moments away from entering another car that isn't Liv's, I feel myself becoming more and more out of breath.

Harry squeezes my hand, his eyes radiating nothing but seriousness. "Just talk to me, okay? Tell me if we shouldn't continue or if it's getting way too much for you." He acknowledges the fact I'm struggling but doesn't ask for the reasoning, which makes me feel a bit more encouraged.

"I think I can try." My words are all it takes for his eyes to light up.

"Yeah?" He smiles, slowly opening the car's door in front of me. "Remember what I just said. Talk to me."

My hands are visibly shaking now that I've sat on the leather seat of the fancy car. I find myself sitting so stiffly, that my back isn't even touching the backrest, and I've crossed my arms over my chest.

Both of us in the vehicle now, he pushes down the round button on the panel, the car immediately purring to life.

"You still alive there?" He checks on me, his one hand on the wheel, the other on the backrest of my seat while looking over his shoulder when backing up.

"Barely." I wipe my sweaty palms against my thighs, burying down any emotion that could strike as panic.

"You should buckle up." He points to my seatbelt still being pulled up on the side.

"I'm not doing that." My arms are crossed over my chest again.

"Amber, just because I said there's an extremely low chance of us crashing, I didn't mean you shouldn't put your seatbelt on." He worriedly drags out, his eyes following the GPS in the car's panel.

With an overly exaggerated sigh, I reluctantly pull the belt over my side, snapping it into place, but keeping my hand on the button, ready to undo it any moment.

Checking the screen of the navigation every few seconds, I'm actually surprised I've made it two minutes without freaking out, but maybe it's because I've been diverting my thoughts elsewhere.

We finally drive out of the suburbs, and I take notice of how Harry's been following the rules of the road like he's in a driving exam. Though, when he extends his hand out to switch the gears, I unwillingly flinch. Both of my knees snap to the car door's side out of reflex, and it makes Harry instantly pull his hand back to where it came from.

"Both hands on the wheel, yeah?" I speak up, but my voice breaks mid-sentence.

"Of course. Sorry." His knuckles turn white at how hard he's gripping the leather steering wheel now.

I steal a glance at the built-in GPS, watching our car symbol arriving at the destination. I watch as Harry takes a turn into the drive-through, pulling up to the speaker.

"You're doing so well, baby." He turns his head my way, smiling at me while rolling down his window. The moment the chilly air clouds into the car, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in minutes.

I start silently counting the fingers on my hands and attempting some other exercises to calm me down while Harry makes an order at the speaking device.

Minutes later, Harry's pulled into a half-empty parking lot, only a handful of other cars scattered around the huge space. Even now when he's stopped driving my knee's still bouncing up and down with no control. Hell, now that we've come to a halt, I feel myself becoming even more nervous.

I turn up the air conditioner, while Harry pulls out two sodas and the biggest burgers he could've ordered. He scrunches up the brown paper bag, throwing the brown ball into the backseat.

He passes me half of the items, opening the wrapping paper of his own burger, and making me reluctantly do the same.

"Thank the Lord for fast food places working 24/7, eh?" He lets out a sigh full of contentment, taking the first bite.

"The fact that it's so creepily empty here, doesn't lead me to believe the food's any good," I speak up again, taking a bite myself, my stomach slowly ridding the hungover dryness.

"Maybe. But, then again, is there any junk food place that offers good food?" He's already halfway eaten the hamburger, while I've just barely touched mine.

"Plus, I love how abandoned it is." He takes a sip out of the Mountain Dew. "Doesn't matter who you are when you come here. Nobody cares to bother you."

"Or... maybe you've just taken me here to kill me." I try to distract myself more and more from the fact I'm in a place where no one's around.

"I guess we'll find out." He grins, finishing his burger now, and making a ball out of the wrapping as he did with the paper bag.

"Who would've thought Harry Styles finds peace at a random parking lot at Jack In The Box?" I'm now halfway done with the food, washing it down with the identical soda Harry had.

"Well, no." He scratches the back of his head. "I haven't found a place that brings me absolute peace. Even right now, I'm wondering if someone at the drive-through has recognized me, and now is taking pictures from around the corner."

"Or maybe the same person has tipped off the paparazzi, and we don't have much time to be here. Maybe they're already writing a nasty article and hurting the people I care about in the process. It's those little things that never leave the back of my head to have my peace, you know?" He coughs, taking a pack of fries in his hands.

"Well, who gives a damn if somebody sees us?" I'm on my last bite now. "If you worry about every small thing that could go wrong, you'll never be able to enjoy the moment."

"Are you enjoying the moment, Am?" He turns his head to me, pulling a pack of sour worms out of his door-side compartment.

"I usually am." I shrug, throwing my own ball of wrapping paper in the backseat.

"No. I mean right now." He throws a piece of candy on his tongue.

"Honestly? Not really." I grin for the first time in here. "I'm just very claustrophobic." It's true; my claustrophobia added to the fear of cars creates a perfect mix of disaster.

"Really?" He stops his chews for a second. "You know, a while ago, when I'd asked you what you were afraid of, you'd told me there's nothing that scares you... except for falling in love, of course."

His words sweetly bring back the night he'd brought me to lay on the high bridge a few months ago. I recall the moment he'd admitted he was afraid of the world ending, and I'd been so stunned by the way he could open up so easily, that I made a plan for him to come over if the sky would suddenly start falling.

The small smile still hasn't left my face, as I drag out, "Yeah, well, I guess I was just too distracted watching the stars to think properly."

"Is that so?" He cocks an eyebrow, and it suddenly feels like we're not in the car anymore, and yesterday's events hadn't even happened.

"Uhm... Would you like to take a spin?" He questions, eating the last bits of the gummy worms. "Maybe you'd feel more in control that way." At first, his words don't register in my mind, and it's only after he turns the engine on again, that I understand he's offering me to drive the fucking car.

"Are you out of your damn mind?" I widen my eyes instantly. "I-I don't even have a driver's license."

"You'll get there one day, I know it." He smiles. "Baby steps."

He unbuckles his seatbelt, making me do the same out of mere reflex. "That's—" I'm too shocked to even form a sentence. "Harry, I won't be able to pay off the repairs if I crash it."

"You do realize that I don't care about any of it, right?" He props his elbow against the armrest, laying his head in his palm.

"Well, I do?" I acknowledge the fact he could probably buy a hundred more of them, but the guilt would be too much for me to handle.

"C'mon. Just a little spin around the lot. We could go past the drive-through again, and order something delicious." He warps his face into the smile he knows I won't be able to resist.

"Fine. Only because of the food. And just one lap." I sigh, opening the car door. "If I'm not going to be able to sleep at