Today feels different.

For the first time in years, I realized that I'm starting to become happy.

Correction — starting to become delighted.

The last time I've actually felt happy is... well... about four years ago when I went to Malibu beach with my dad. It was the most perfect day.

Okay, so maybe I'm not happy, but as I was looking into my bathroom mirror today, I didn't despise myself so much. I guess you couldn't really call that happiness, but maybe I'm starting to love myself.

Thinking about it just makes me laugh, honestly.

For this particular reason, today feels different.

Maybe it's because I might've stepped out of my bed on the right foot. Or maybe it's the way my fuzzy flippers felt like a soft cloud when walking to my small kitchen cuddled up in my yellow robe.

Maybe it's the way I dared to miss all my alarms and texts because, frankly, I've got a stable job now (okay, maybe not-so-stable, since I might have to go when Clare heals her injuries). But for now, it allows me to have some days all to myself.

Or maybe it's the way my stick of cinnamon mixes perfectly with the black tea I'm currently having for late breakfast.

This is the kind of day you just have a good mood for no reason.

I take a bite out of a butter cookie, and mentally make a list of things I should do today. After a few lengthy moments of deep thought, literally nothing comes to mind.

Sighing, I take another sip out of my black tea when a quick thought invades my list of things to do. I quickly get up from my seat, and rush to my bedroom, combing through a few drawers and shelves, finally finding the sticker-charmed songwriting journal.

I plop down onto my bed, a sudden rush of excitement filling my essence as I scramble a few ideas of songs onto the glossy pages.

Once I'm content with the concept of my upcoming song, I start writing an outline of it. The feelings of my well-spent morning let the pen speedily scribble and cross out lyrics I never knew I had in me.

I do love myself, right?
I mean, to some extent, but the love should be in there somewhere.

In the range of 10 minutes, I've already written a somewhat adequate material to work with, so I find myself sitting in front of a slightly out-of-tune piano, wiping a few specks of dust from the black and white keys.

It takes me a while to create a satisfactory chord progression to fit my desired melody, though once I find one, I can't help but break a grin while dressing up and combing through my knots to get ready to record the song.

I trip over my fuzzy slippers at least three times while rushing to get my camera and setting it up along my microphone. I let out a hum of satisfaction after sitting down on the chair in front of the key panel and hitting the record button, my stack of sunglasses showing in the backdrop.

Today feels different.

"Hiiii," I drag out the 'i', feeling in an annoyingly excited mood for some reason, "I hope you're doing well! I wanted to share a song I just wrote literally two minutes ago," I lift the notebook as useless proof.

"I dunno. I just got a weird inspiration this morning, and I thought I could share it with you! It's much different from anything I've written previously, but maybe we all need a bit of change, eh? This is 'Lose You To Love Me'."

*play the song now*

"You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off-key in my chorus
'Cause it wasn't yours"

I start off the song with the same old sappy lyrics, but it feels different this time. Everything about today feels different. This feels like some sort of farewell.

"I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose-colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin'
When it wasn't yours, yeah"

I close my eyes, reminiscing all the times I ignored the red flags in my past relationships, which lead it all to blow up in my face afterward. It's like I was colorblind. He literally destroyed everything there was left to ruin.

We'd always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me, yeah

For the first time ever, I don't feel a drop of sorrow about the end of my last relationship with Reece.
Today feels different.
I feel lighter. I'm truly ready to move on.

To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me

Okay, maybe I could be over-exaggerating, but I guess this is a way of manifesting. After all, I'm the only one in the world who's able to love myself the right way. Took me a while to let that sink in.

Losing him was the start on the path of finding myself.

And now the chapter is closed and done
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
And now it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us

Today feels different.
And I think it may be because I'm finally letting go. Letting go of all the heavy baggage my last relationship left.
This is my way of saying goodbye.

I open my eyes with the last glide of the chords and let out a satisfactory sigh. "You know, often we tend to grow into things that aren't healthy for us because we're afraid of what we'd become without them. In a way, it's kind of comforting. So we hold onto bad friendships or toxic relationships out of fear."

I talk to the camera in an oddly comforting way. "I created this song for you and me both." I point to my chest and the camera's lens with my index finger in the range of 5 seconds. "Whenever it's getting bad, I want you to come back to this song, and use it as a small nudge to find a happier place within ourselves."

"I hope you're doing well! I really hope you're being kind to yourself and others. I love you!" I blow a bunch of kisses toward the camera and end up just laughing about the childish action.

After officially finishing the video, it takes me about 3 minutes to convert the footage on my laptop and post it on my YouTube channel without having a second thought. 

I close my laptop immediately after uploading it. I've posted a few videos after 'Lovely' went viral, and haven't checked their ratings ever since. It's been tempting, but in order to savor my mental health, I've chosen to stay off social media as much as possible.

I get up from the piano stool and scan over the apartment once more. A weary sigh involuntarily escapes my lips when I look at the mess I've let swell all over this place. I guess I've never realized how much my apartment needed a major spring cleaning.

Today feels different — I've decided to properly clean my home for the first time in forever.

I decide to start with my bedroom, changing the sheets, and re-folding the wrinkly clothes, which I'm too lazy to iron even with my burst of energy. Most of the articles are thrifted or handmade anyway. Fun fact, I don't think anybody knows I've knit about 5 tops and a few sweaters. They actually turned out pretty great, but none of them fit me, so I'm considering donating them.

Exiting the now not-completely-but-enough-tidied bedroom, I come upon a locked room I haven't touched in at least 4 years. Maybe it's time to finally rip the band-aid off. Today feels different, after all. My trembling hand reaches for the rusted handle, but halts when a ringtone blasts out in the kitchen.

I quickly rush to my phone, my thumb reaching across the screen to accept the call, but freeze when I comprehend the three letters I didn't expect to show flashing on it.

It's my mom.

I swallow a dreadful lump in my throat and finally hit the green button.

"Good evening, Amber." Her tone is as cold as ice. Seeing as she works as a professor at Harvard University, her voice is so formal, like she might as well be talking to her student.

"Mom? Hi, I've missed you so much!" I try to sound as cheerful as possible in contrast to her monotone voice.

Absolute silence.

I have to distance my phone from my ear to see if the call possibly cut off, but then a heavy sigh breaks out from the device, indicating that she, in fact, has nothing to say in response.

Just like that;
Today's not any different.

"I was just calling to request you stop ruining our reputation." She says in a dry manner, and I feel my heart drop at her talking to me like that.

"I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?" I earn a heavy sigh from her and hear a notification for my messages ding.

"Did you receive my text messages?" She asks in an annoyed attitude, and I let out an approving hum when I open the blue app.

I fearfully tap my thumb over one of the many links she sent me, and feel my heart rate accelerate at the headline of the article.

'HARRY STYLES BREAKS THE INTERNET WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AMBER EASTON!'

The former One Direction member Harry Styles' fans are left stunned after this week's events!

On April 21st, debut-single performer Harry Styles stars on the Graham Norton show with his girlfriend Amber Easton! Just a few minutes after the performance, Easton uploaded a 7-minute long video on YouTube, naming it 'how to NOT bake cupcakes'!

7 minutes in heaven, right?

The video starts with the two buying the right ingredients for banana muffins. Styles stayed behind the camera the whole time in the market, though the fans didn't miss the way the two kept teasing each other the whole time shopping!

The sparks kept flying during a 20-questions game with a twist! Fans freak out over the way the couple kept stealing hungry glances, making pacts with each other, and laughing at their jokes while making the perfect cupcake batter!

The climax of the short video happened when the smoke detector went off, indicating that the cupcakes got burnt! While watching the clips of the couple trying to get the smoke out of the kitchen, fans kept speculating what the two were doing to miss the way the muffins flared up!

The video finished after the duo re-attempted baking another batch of the pastries with a pre-made cupcake mix, which, surprisingly, Styles had secretly bought behind Amber's back!

The video went viral instantly, gaining 10 million views in the first hour, which lead up to the media's platform crashing! After 49 minutes of YouTube's outage, the server finally recovered and is ready for use again!

Though the couple hasn't confirmed their relationship, fans still keep speculating about their chemistry.

Scroll lower to see a few comments left under the infamous video!

'OBVIOUSLY PR! I'm just waiting for her 15 minutes of fame to pass.'

'Ok, but Harry seems so much happier now??'

"pls their relationship is faker than my lashes"

'help I was sobbing through the whole video'

I exit the article and move onto the next one in the list my mom sent me, quietly having to suppress my laughter at the nonsense headlines in a few. I must admit, I didn't know we 'broke the internet'. It's probably just a coincidence, though.

'BREAKING NEWS!!! HARRY STYLES AND AMBER EASTON ALREADY BROKEN UP?'

Fans are left heartbroken after today's events! It's official; Harry Styles and Amber Easton officially have parted their ways!

Here's what went down between the two;

Today, April 23rd, Harry Styles was seen accompanied by another woman walking the streets of Los Angeles!

'...her hand was wrapped around his waist and they were just being very affectionate in general,' reveals a reliable source who saw the two together, 'I only got to snap a picture from their back, but I'm absolutely sure she had blond-ish hair. I couldn't recognize her, though, because she had sunglasses on.'

Seems as though Harry has gone back to his old style; he's wearing an all-black outfit, not a trace of color in sight. So quick to jump to another woman, right?
View the pictures below!

After the release of the photographs, Amber has officially approved the end of her and Harry's romance by clapping back the tabloids with a song 'Lose You To Love Me' on her YouTube platform, which gained over a million views within the hour!

Later on, Amber declares their relationship was toxic, saying, '...Often we tend to grow into things that aren't healthy for us because we're afraid of what we'd become without them ... So we hold onto bad friendships or toxic relationships out of fear.'

The message left many fans heartbroken, some relieved, knowing that their chemistry was unhealthy, after all.

Seeing as the two broken lovebirds are separated, the question still remains; Will Amber continue playing in Styles' band for the upcoming performances? Or will the initial keyboardist, Clare Uchima, take Amber's place?

We'll keep you updated on the new spicy news!

I close the article, readjusting my phone on my ear once again. "Mom, I don't understand. The tabloids are obviously fake. You'd be surprised how fake Hollywood is."

"Amber," she scolds me in her teacher voice, "How many times have I told you to quit the music industry? You can't keep ruining my reputation like that. You haven't seen the way my students mock me behind my back! I must say, I'm quite ashamed to have raised a spineless daughter like you!"

"Mom, I didn't do anything wrong. I got offered a better job, and tha-" I try to justify my actions, but somehow it feels like I'm talking to the wall when she cuts me off.

"We've discussed this before. And what will you do when people find out something ugly about you? You should've just stayed working in that low cafe!"

"I'm happier now," I argue back to her, feeling my eyes sting at her ignorance.

"I'm done having this conversation with you." I hear some shuffling in the background.

"Mom, wait," I stop her right before she could hang up, and breathe out, "I love you."

Silence.

The only possible noise is caused by a single tear that escapes the corner of my eye, and I swear it's so quiet you could even hear the droplet breaking in two round halves on the kitchen counter.

My relationship with mom hasn't always been like this; we used to have bike rides and movie nights together. She's always insisted I choose more of an academic career, whereas my dad always believed I could accomplish a lot in the music industry. I'm not surprised she felt the need to oppress me when hearing I've joined a damn band. The real fallout happened when she and my dad got divorced. One thing led to another, and I chose to live with my dad, letting mom move to another state.

A faint scratch rings through the mobile device to be replaced with 5 short, deafening beeps, indicating mom's finally hung up.

I drop down on my couch and close my eyes for a second, trying to find peace in the fact I'm all alone.

Just when I get up to grab the cleaning supplies to continue scrubbing the kitchen, multiple dings chime through my phone again, making me jump.

Liv:
3:42 pm
can I come over??

3:44 pm
SOS!!!

3:50 pm
please?
Too late, I'm almost at your door

My heart drops at the fact I've missed her texts while being on the phone with mom. Liv never texts me like that.

What if she's hurt? What if she's in danger? What if she got mobbed or something?

I quickly shake the sickening thoughts out of my mind and rush to the front door. My hand timidly reaches the metal handle, and twists it, immediately being met with Olivia's flushed face.

She has lines of mascara winding all over her cheeks. Normally I'd laugh at the way her smudged make-up is making her look like a panda, but her saddened expression is twisting my stomach in a way I don't like at all.

I don't ask what happened, but make a single step toward her, wrapping my arms tightly around her willowy shoulders, in hopes to create some sort of nest of safety.

A small sob escapes her lips, and somehow we end up slumped on the floor, clinging to one another the tightest we possibly could. I gently caress her head, leaving soft and gentle strokes down her scruffy hair.

"You drove all the way to here? Alone?" I ask, worried about the frazzled state she's in. She nods, and I silently thank the Lord she didn't get in an accident, considering she's in no right mind to participate in traffic.

I've got about a dozen questions running through my mind at an incredibly fast pace, but I keep quiet, letting her initiate the heavy conversation.

"H-He broke up with me," she whispers, and a small sob rings through the air again.

Oh?

"Who? Nate?" I question, and weirdly feel a wave of relief wash over me from the fact she wasn't mugged or anything.

"Mhm. I l-left to w-work today," her voice breaks in the middle of her sentence, "but I forgot my phone so I had to turn back. A-and when I went inside, h-he was making out with some fucking brunette. He didn't even run after me or anything. God!" She buries her face in her hands, and I let her sob on my lap, already feeling stiff from the wooden floorboards beneath my body.

What an asshole.

"Fuck him, Liv." I sigh, but then realize what I just said. "Wait. That didn't come out as I wanted." I breathe out, but I'm not sure if she heard me over her own weeps. "What I meant is, he wasn't worthy of your time."

I honestly can't believe he plainly did that. I never grew fond of him, but he really did care for Olivia, and I knew she loved him, so I didn't say anything to her. Four years of their relationship just down the drain at a snap of a finger.

We stay on the floor just clinging to each other for a few minutes. We move to the couch, and I leave her alone until I've gathered two cartons of ice cream and two spoons. I offer her multiple flavors, of which she picks the one with literal letters 'chocolate therapy' imprinted on the packaging, leaving me with the chocolate chip one.

She shoves a whole spoonful of the 'therapy ice cream' in her mouth, as I'm sitting opposite of her stunned at the way she didn't just have brain freeze from it. She looks at me through her mascara-washed eyes and says, "I loved him, Am." This time, she doesn't break out in a sob.

I really want to hug her again, but my feet have already scurried off to find two glasses and a bottle of red wine for us to empty. I would've picked vodka or something, but I'm out of it.

I finally sit back down on the couch and pour 1/3 of the glass and hand it to her, but she snatches the bottle out of my hand, and fills the glass to the brim, almost spilling the crimson liquid all over my white carpet.

"So..." I speak through my mouthful of ice cream, "Should we go key his car? Or maybe spray paint it? I don't know which would cost more." I slump on the couch, thinking of ideas to sabotage