I Can't Sleep

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I Can't Sleep--Tucker

I still don't like this project, but I'm going to write another chapter for Ax's sake. And I thought of something as I started drifting off to sleep tonight.

It's almost six AM. I couldn't think of the last time I stayed up this late while sober. Then I remembered Axel and me's first sleepover.

He was at my house. We had been playing Fifa for the greater half of the night, ignoring my mother's sharp knocks at the door reminding us we had school tomorrow. Ax's dad was on one of his many embassy expenditures and Rachel, Ax's mom, went with him this time. Ax was staying at my house for the weekend. It was now October, and this weekend I was hosting the Halloween party, much to my chagrin, and neither Ax nor I were too excited. I had to be sober enough to control the Fair Lawn High school population, even the slutty kitties, and Ax, now being my not-directly-stated-but-certainly-understood best friend, was obligated to remain semi-sober with me.

"Otto, c'mon we gotta finish that history thing." Back then, Otto was the most frequent noun in my vocabulary. Now, it's Axel. I think I made the switch somewhere around sophomore year of college. We had been best friends for far too long at that point; still calling him by his last name seemed pre-pubescent and very high school.

"One more round! You are being a joy kill!"

I laughed. "It's kill joy, man." By now, Axel was used to me nitpicking him on every fine detail of his English. He was good-no, he was great at speaking English, but he still had more to learn. He told me the only times he ever spoke English in Germany was during school and with his sister occasionally. His father was one of those men who took great pride in his nationality and practically outlawed the speaking of English in his house because of it. Which, to me, seemed quite atypical considering his position at the embassy. At this point in time it was only natural for me to question Mr. Otto, since I had never met the man. After I met him, (a story for another day) I would never question him again.

"We need to finish homework," I announced, Axel making no move to quit the game since the last time I spoke. I picked myself up off my beanbag and pressed the power button on my Xbox. Ax let out a groan, tossing his head back before standing up and grabbing his backpack and chucking it on my bed.

"What did my bed ever do to you?" I asked, laughing a bit. In high school I thought I was frankly hilarious. I now know that this was not the case.

Axel glared at me.

"You make me study, I hurt your objects."

I only smiled in response, flopping down on my queen bed and opening up my textbook. "Okay, demographic transition stages. Seems easy enough," I looked over at Ax. He had plopped down on the bed next to me, but was too engrossed in his damn phone to pay me the slightest bit of attention. "Come on, Axel," I whined. I only used his first name when I really needed his attention.

He scoffed at me. "You sound like my mother," he practically spat, his accent spilling out in heavy doses of S's that sounded like Z's. I had only met Rachel a handful of times at this point, but she definitely did not deserve the snippy tone Ax used when speaking of her. As my friendship with Ax grew, I later realized he used this tone when talking about anyone who told him what to do, even me. He is an egotistical, defiant, narcissist who has a "my way or the highway attitude," as my own mother still says of him. I love him nevertheless, for reasons that are still opaque.

"Suit yourself. It's your F," I mumbled back at him, knowing the possibility of failure was enough to shock Ax into a state of realization. He thought of everything as a competition, even grades, so the prospect of an F was the only way I really got him to do any of his homework.

As I read through my textbook, I began to notice Ax glancing over at me through furrowed brows and strained neck movements, shifting on the bed, acting as if he were uncomfortable, but really just trying to get a better look at my textbook. Ax also hated being wrong. He knew I was right, we did have to study. He would never consciously admit that to me though, ever.

So I started reading out loud. From the beginning.

Ax didn't say anything. He just relaxed into the pillows next to me, hands tucked behind his head as he absorbed the information, his phone now off, plugged in next to my bed. He would interrupt me sometimes, asking me to repeat a definition or even to explain something he didn't understand. That was the unusual thing about Axel. He was the very definition of an alpha male, but he didn't have any problems demanding my assistance. Ax will always be a true enigma, no matter how much time I spend with him.

After the geography textbook was housed safely in my backpack, (Ax hadn't bothered to bring his home, knowing I would) we climbed into my bed, shutting the lights and settling in next to each other. I had figured Ax would protest, offer to sleep on the floor, or even call me gay for telling him we could both sleep in my bed. Instead, he nodded and gave me a "cool," before pulling off his shirt and climbing ruthlessly into my side of the bed in just his boxers and a pair of socks. I didn't say anything though, practically already seeing his rolled eyes and defiant glare if I had. And yes, the specimen does sleep with socks on, no matter how many times I've printed and highlighted articles on the dangers of the infectious bacteria crawling in those cotton caves.

"Do you miss home?" I remember asking him after a few minutes of silence. His deep chuckle penetrated through the stillness of my room.

"Tuck, my parents come home Monday. I'm only away from home for four days."

"No, dimwit," I flicked what I thought was his temple. It was actually his nose. He pushed me away through left over chuckles. "I mean home, home. Germany."

Ax stopped laughing. "Oh," he said dumbly, pausing for a few moments. "I guess I miss the comfort of Germany. Everything was normal there. Here, almost everything is not normal."

I nodded even though he couldn't see me. "Yeah. Makes sense."

"I don't miss the people," he continued. "The kids were all cunts at my school." I laughed, despite the fact that the C word makes bile rise in the back of my throat. It didn't sound as bad through Ax's accent, though. "The only person I miss is Riles. My girlfriend."

I don't know why Ax having a girlfriend at home surprised me so much, but it did. I sat up in bed, looking down at his dark, unidentifiable figure. "You had a girlfriend?"

Axel chuckled. "What, you thought I was gay?"

"No, I-"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I know, Axel Otto: guy with girlfriend. It is strange, is it not?"

He was right; it was strange, judging by he amount of ass he's gotten since he moved here. I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Kinda. Is she okay with all the girls you've hooked up with here?"

Axel barked out a laugh. "You think she knows about that? Oh god, Tucker, you are so very funny. Besides, it wasn't that many girls. Only-"

"Amanda, Jessica, Lindsey, and Peyton. You've cheated on her four times." Yes, I had been counting his drunken hook ups. It was a best friend's duty, even if we hadn't exactly established our label yet.

He snorted. "Yes, that's right, Oaks. She probably has done the same. We are not still exclusive." I didn't like when Axel called me Oaks. It seemed too unfamiliar.

I lied back down. "What was so good about her?" For some reason my voice was small.

He took a deep breath. "I guess she knew me better than she knew herself. Or at least that is what she told me." His voice waivered. I could tell he really missed her.

"Do you think anyone really knows you better than you know yourself?" I was intrigued by his statement. "You're the only one who has access to your subconscious."

Ax contemplated this for a while.

"Riles was my subconscious."

His statement didn't sit well with me. I guess I was getting possessive over the boy who I hadn't gone a day without seeing since I met him. He was the first best friend I ever had, and I somehow had formed the deranged notion that this Riley girl could steal him all the way from Deutschland.

The only thing I thought of that night was that I wanted to take over Riley's position in Axel's brain. I wanted to be his subconscious.


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