TW/ talks about depression and self harm, if you need to talk to anyone my messages are open but I will link the mental health helpline below, no one should go through this alone <3

I've spent an entire month in a depressive state, I ended up moving in with Zayn, I'm grateful that I'm not needed at the bookshop anymore.

I've had thoughts about selling and so has Zayn, if we sold to a bigger company we'd get a big pay out and I wouldn't need to work, well not like I do much now.

I've been sleeping in Z's guest room for a while, he comes in every now and then telling me he's going to the shop to do some work.

"Luna, honey come on you can't spend anymore time in bed" I wrap myself up in the duvet, not wanting to talk to anyone.

I've lost weight, my skin is paler than usual. I feel so numb and drained all the time.

"Come on, you could at least shower this room is pretty ripe" can he just leave me alone.

He pulls the covers off of my body, making me whimper at the cold air, I cuddle up into myself moving into the corner of the bed.

"Luna" I stay silent, I have nothing to say. As much as I love Zayn I have nothing to say to him, I feel empty right now.

Some part of me needs Harry, wants him to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay, but I can't, I can't bring myself to go and see him.

"Say something, anything, I'm worried about you" I'm worried about me too, I've not showered in the month I've been here.

Ever since Niall told me he loved Harry, my minds been spinning, the guilty feeling has been gnawing away at me.

It's the same when I look at food, I get a plate and look and then feel guilty because I feel as if Harry isn't eating and he's drinking himself to death.

"Hmmm" is all I can give him. I'm hoping he leaves soon, I just want to be alone.

"Okay, well I'm going to the shop Louis is staying here, please shower at least" he walks out, and I let out a breath, laying my body out flat on the bed.

Staring up at the ceiling, all I want is to feel something but it's so hard, I want to force myself to get up, to do something but my body won't allow it.

All I can do is lay in this bed, in the same clothes with ratted hair.

I hear a knock on the door, Louis walks in with a cup of tea and a pack of biscuits.

"Hey sweetie, you need to eat" he places the cup next to my bed and sits on the end of the bed crossing his legs.

All I do is follow his body as he moves.

He leans over and grabs my arms, making me sit up. I do it as the physical contact feels nice.

I sit up and hug my knees as I sit against the headboard, I pick up my tea and take a sip. The last thing I want to do is talk but Louis is one persistent son of a bitch.

"Talk to me, you've been locked up in this room for a month, tell me what's on your mind." I can't exactly spill to him saying the man I love is a murderer.

"I miss him." the first words i've said in weeks, it feels so weird to speak especially about Harry, I need some advice.

"That's normal, tell me what happened." I look at him, he has a huge smile plastered on his face, makes me smile slightly.

"He lied to me, but then I also lied to him, it's a vicious cycle in my head right now."

"What do you want to do?" I want to go to his house and hug him, that's what I want to do but I don't at the same time.

"I don't know, I want this pain to stop, I want it all to pause for a minute and let me catch my breath." I rest my head on my knees, I just need a minute.

"Tell me more." Just like that i'm telling him about all my thoughts.

"It's like this heavy weight on my chest, I lay here for days feeling crushed, wanting to just stop to just not exist anymore in order for me not to feel this way. I look at the ceiling and think back to everything that I've been through or done and I ache, I can't even bring myself to shower or eat, all I want is Harry that's all my brain can think about, he consumes my every thought and I need it to stop." I take a breath and carry on.

"There's this part of me that's forgiven him, that wants to go to his place and tell him that I forgive him and that we can do this but what if he has given up?, what if he doesn't want me anymore?I'm scared to let him back in, I'm terrified Lou." My body doesn't even cry anymore. I spent the first week sobbing and staring at the floor. Now my body will not produce a tear.

"You need to start by sorting through the deeper issues, why did he lie to you? I'm not saying he should've done it but he could've had a good reason too. I want to see you happy and healthy, mayne you need to talk to him in a public space so neither of you can make a scene." I wouldn't put it past Harry to create when we are in public.

He does have a point, if we are in public then it is less likely that I'll sleep with him, as much as I miss his touch, miss his mouth...I need to stop.

"But before any of that you need to eat and shower." he passes me the packet of biscuits, I take one and slowly eat it otherwise my body will reject it.

Slowly eating the biscuit as Lou tidied up the room. He opens the curtains and I screw my eyes shut at the brightness, forgetting what daylight looks like.

"Now come on, up and shower" he claps at me, I force myself up, feeling a little bit wobbly, but I slowly walk over to the bathroom.

I close the door and look in the mirror, I touch my eye bags, poking at my face. I look different, I don't look like myself, I feel as if I'm having an out of body experience.

I don't feel like myself, I strip, standing and examining my body, I feel fragile, like if someone poked me I'd break.

I can't keep looking at myself so I turn on the shower, standing under the hot cascading water, it feels weird to be in the shower.

I roll my head back and let the water fall down my naked body, I grab the shower gel and pour it directly onto my skin.

The cool contact makes me gasp, I use my hands to run the suds all over my body.

I then grab the shampoo running through my hair, my arms ache from being empty but I need to do this, even if I get back into bed I need to finish this.

I rinse out the shampoo and then place conditioner on my head, lathering it into the ends of my hair, knowing it was a matted mess.

Running my fingers through the knots, trying to untangle them from my hair, it hurts but I know it's what I have to do.

Once I'm rinsed, I step out of the shower. Wrapping my hair and body in a towel.

I feel as if I could faint right now, the shower was scorching so I slowly walked into the room and sat on the bed.

Dropping my head and the towel falls off my head but I can't seem to care, once I get rid of the dizzy feeling.

I grab a baggy t-shirt and knickers, then make my bed and open the window.

I sit cross legged on my bed, grabbing my phone. I hover over Harry's name trying to find the courage to call so I can at least talk to him.

I need to do this, we both deserve it, whether we end up together or not, it's something we need to do.

Clicking the call button and holding the phone up to my ear.

Hearing the ringing sounds, it freaks me out so I hang up and Chuck my phone to the end of the bed, I can't do it, I can't hear his voice.

My phone then starts to ring, oh god it's him, I can tell It's going to be him.

I grab my phone and low and behold it's him. I need to make a choice and stop watching my phone ring.

I swipe and place the phone near my ear.

"Luna" his speech is slurred, is he drunk or high?

I can hear his shallow breaths, I still don't speak frozen in place.

"Luna, I know you're there. Talk to me please baby"

"Cherry" I'm just listening to him now, he pleads to get me to talk, I have no idea why I'm not saying anything.

"Okay that's fine, I'll talk" he's clearly drunk.

"I miss you, I know you need time but I can't deal with the time anymore, I'm going crazy over here, I can't do this without you" he starts to sniffle, is he crying?

"Luna, I'm so fucking sorry okay, I never meant to hurt you or break you, please baby come back to me, I will do whatever, we can do this your way." my heart is shattering piece by piece right now.

"Harry, I umm.....I miss you." I just want a Harry hug, one of those time freezing hugs that you remember forever.

I miss the way he smells, the comfort he brings me, I do love him with my whole heart and I don't think I've ever missed someone the way I miss him.

The one thing I need to do is talk to my family before I see Harry, I need to go to Jack, not my father.

"Fuck, i've missed the sound of your voice, I miss you to."

"Are you drunk?"

"I might be slightly intoxicated but I meant every word I said." not if he's drunk.

"Get sober and then maybe we'll talk/" I hung up before he could reply to me, so I put my phone on the bed.

Can't he stay sober, I mean it is my fault that he turned to alcohol. I made him drink and turn to drugs. I sigh, not knowing what to do or whether or not to help Harry get sober, I know it shouldn't be up to me, but this is all my fault.

I do all I can think and get back into bed, wanting to hide myself from the world. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow and actually try to get out of bed.

If all I do today is this then I'll still be happy. I managed to shower and get into some clean clothes. I'll give myself that in order to start gaining myself back I need to be proud of the little things.