Getting off the train, I let the man follow me.
I let him quietly follow and
I let my tears flow freely.

"Its been too long Y/n."
Leaning on a nearby pole, still underground in the station, I steady my breath.
Turning around, I see the man in tears as well.
His eyes were tired and he had the most painful expression. He had grown older.
I walk up to him and I feel him hold his breath.

"Why have you become so weary?"
I ask with a tremble still in my voice.
He still looks handsome though, although the lip piercing I had loved so much was gone and healed in, and his hair was no longer in an eye catching shade, but in just a simple,
ashy brown.
Closing his eyes, he exhales.
"Have you been well Y/n?"
I nod and feel my heart clenching when I hear his raspy voice that was the same as before.
"I've been well.... What about you..
Yoongi?
Have you been doing alright?"
With a quick nod, he smiles.
"I-I'm sorry that I didn't try to-" He starts, but I cut him off and start to walk slowly.
Without looking back, I say,
"Lets talk later....
want to come over for a bit?"
I can feel him nod like I have eyes at the back of my head. We trudge together, in a tense atmosphere.
But I know that the both of us wants to hold each other, but know that we won't.

When we get to my apartment complex, the air grows thick and instantly, I become nervous.
We haven't contacted each other since that day he moved, and all I do is divert my eyes to other things to distract myself from meeting his gaze.
Without looking, I ask,
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Uh yeah sure.. Just water is fine. Thanks."
I busy myself with the kitchen and gesture him to sit at the table.
I put down the water and I sit as well.
For a solid 20 seconds we don't say anything.
I look to his hands, and they've got blisters and look more dry. After all, I wasn't there to nag at him to put on hand lotion.
Finally, feeling calm enough to look, I meet his eyes and start to talk first.

"Thanks for earlier."
He smiles and nods. Still no words.
I start again.
"Do you still write music?"
Nodding, he says,
"Yeah. I'm actually under a label right now.
As a songwriter."
"Thats good to hear."
More than anything, I wished for him to have continued music and stay healthy.
"What about you y/n..? What are you doing in daegu?" He asks brighter than before.
"I live here now. I work at a graphic design company. You know I used to draw."
Just silently, nodding again, his lips form a 'cool' and look down.
"Any uh.. boyfriend?"
I feel hesitant to say it, but I do.
"I'm actually meeting Jungkook haha its been 2 and a half years actually." I say, trying not to make myself seem to enthusiastic.
Yoongi's face turns stoic again
and urges a smile to himself.
"Oh I see..
Didn't you say he was like your lesbian cat?"
I let out a giggle and smile with my eyes.
"I can't believe you remember that!"
He lets out a chuckle and we both smile, probably thinking of the good times.
"And I still remember you stalking me and my friend that day haha."
"Heyyy I wasn't stalking! It was just a coincidence geeze~" I whine and he squints his eyes. He mouths an 'okay' and we both let out a couple more giggles.
It becomes silent again and I want to ask him.
I want to ask him about everything and if the reasons he left me were fulfilled.
"Did you ever ended up meeting your mother?"
I bravely ask. I expected to see him hesitate or frown, but instead he pipes up right away.
"She actually lives with me right now. Turns out she never even got remarried. She just worked her whole life.." I nod.
"Is your dad living with you guys too?"
"No he works at another part of seoul so he had to move away from us. But he comes by alot."
Its good to hear that there wasn't any of those drama like conflicts and just hearing this made the weight in my chest lift a little.
Before the minute goes by, Yoongi's expression goes soft, and now I realize that with time, the arrogance and hostility that was once him, had faded. He bites his lip before letting out words that shakes me to the very core of my being.

"You're still so beautiful y/n."

Why does those words seem like they confess so many things?
I feel apology, encouragement, and of course
love.

I lower my head and shake it.
"Please don't say things like that." I say out of fear. Fear that I'll be too shaken up once more.

Yoongi touches my hand and asks,
"Did you think of me at all?"
I don't answer and look away from my hand.
"Because I sure did. Every single day."

Not being able to take much longer, I force myself into saying things I don't mean.

"Of course I thought of you time to time. We were family once before."
I know this might hurt him, but I have no strength and courage. Those five years weren't long for nothing.
I stand up and grin like an idiot.
"I always wondered if you were well and if you found someone, hoping you would just be happy, you know? Maybe even start a real family or something."
Yoongi stays silent, and doesn't protest.
I lay out some sheets beside my bed and place a pillow and turn the heater on.
"You should stay here overnight." I say as casual as I can force myself into.
"I'm sorry I don't have a couch its just the place is so small and-"
"No its fine y/n. Thank you."
He says in his regular tone.
I give him a quick glance and nod quickly.

By the time I'm washed up after he does, I climb to my bed quietly, noticing that he had already covered himself with the blanket on the ground next to me.
I look over and curse myself for lying.
In reality, I missed him so much that it made me sick fifty percent of the time in the past five years. It made me lose 10 kg in a span of two weeks and I had made me go to the emergency two times as well.
But I could never say that to him.
I roll over to the opposite side and direction on my bed from him.
Before long, I start to think about how much I actually still cared, and soon, my apartment complex slightly echoes my sniffles.
The tears start to wet my pillow and inside, I am breaking down.
Before I could quietly stand up and grab some water and tissues, a shuffling noise stirs and I feel my blanket rise.

An arm slides over my arm and I feel the soft hair and familiar scent I had longed for on my back.
"Please don't cry y/n.."
He whispers, and so I cry more.
Pulling me in closer, I end up turning to face him and bury myself in his chest.
The night was never colder,
and never warmer.

*******************************************
Gotta love oxymorons