*Warning: mentions
of anxiety and depression*
__

God, I hate parties.
I hate them so much.

There's always a lot of people I don't know, mostly drunk or high, that play stupid games like truth or dare, dance to some awful music, or just make out on the couch.

And since I don't drink, like these games or hook up with random people I just met, I always, ALWAYS, end up alone in a corner of the room with my glass of diet coke in hand, while everyone else's having the time of their lives.

I fucking hate it.

I hate being a bookworm that likes reading with some chill music playing in the background while outside is raining. Or watching Netflix instead of going out with my friends. Or even draw something on my notebook, instead of having to talk to people.

Because when I end up in these situations, I don't know what to do.

I feel out of context.
And I kinda am, aren't I?

I mean, the people around me surely don't watch anime or sitcoms, so there's  no way I can start a conversation. And if there's someone that listens to the same music I listen to, they surely are pretty shit-faced, by now.

There's no way I can win.

...Why did I come anyway?
I knew this was gonna happen, it always does.

I take a sip of my diet coke, probably the drink with less alcohol in the whole flat, and look around.

At the other end of the room, chatting and laughing with some of his friends, there's Andy, my best friend. He's the one that convinced me to come.

He always tries to involve me in what he does, to get me to go outside and do shit, even tho I would totally prefer not to, and, well... this is an example of that.

I don't know why he does this, he probably just doesn't like the thought of me being alone, but still... why bother taking me here, if then you're gonna leave me?

You know I'm not going to start doing something by myself, I'm not that kind of person. I'm not an extrovert, the opposite. I'm, like, the most shy and introverted person you can find on the whole planet.

I sigh.

How did I let him convince me?
I could've just said no, or that I had stuff to do. I could've just lied.

...Ugh, who am I kidding?
I would never do that.

Deep down, I know why I came, after all. I just don't want to admit it.

I can't lie to him.
For two main reasons.
One: he knows me so well that he can immediately when I am.
And two: I just... can't.

Everytime I see his eyes, and the hope that I'll say yes when he asks me to come to this things I feel so powerless...

I love him too much to let him down.

So, instead of doing what I would like to do on a Saturday evening, I'm here, in a stranger's apartment, with strangers all around me, at a party I didn't even want to come to.

Yeah...

"Hey, everything ok?" Andy asks me.

I quickly wake up from my trance, and realize I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize Andy had walked over here.

He's sitting next to me, right now, a soft smile on his face.

That damned smile...

"O-oh... oh, y-yeah, don't worry" I stutter, a bit startled.

God, why am I so nervous?
He only asked me if I'm fine! It's not like he told me he loves me too!

I reallly wish that was true...

"...You know I don't belive you, right?" he chuckles "I mean, you're here on your own, staring at the floor... you're not really giving me 'I'm having fun' vibes"

"What did you expect me to do? Socialize? ...You know I don't do that"

"...Fair point. But still... I don't like the thought of you being all alone"

"Yeah, and I don't get it. I mean, I always am, I'm used to it. It's not like I'm gonna die, if I don't talk" I joke.

But Andy doesn't laugh.
He looks serious. Which is weird, since he's always joking around and making people laugh.

He sighs, and looks down at the floor.
He seems... different.

I don't know, it's like something about that 'It's not like I'm gonna die' thing upset him...

"Well, it still doesn't mean you should be. At least, not all the time. I get it that you don't like talking or things like that, but... you know, you should try, at least"

He doesn't look at me as he says that.

"I know..." I softly say, almost whispering.

I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
Have I upset him? Made him sad?
I'm such an awful friend!

He's put so much effort into involving me in stuff, bringing me with him everywhere he goes... and what have I done to repay him?

I've complained and gave up immediately. I didn't even try talking to anyone here. I've just isolated myself from the group, as always.

I did the only thing he has been trying to avoid. The only thing he didn't want me to do.

He must be so disappointed, so sad... and it's all my fault. It's always my fault.

If I wasn't his friend, he wouldn't have to worry about me this much. He would be happier, without me.

I've been so selfish, so stupid...
I don't deserve him.

I never will.

"Hey... what's wrong?" he says, worried, as he notices the tears falling down my cheeks.

Again, I didn't even noticed they were there. I get so lost in my own head every time...

I try to answer, but my throat shuts.
I can't let out a sound. Just tears.

I don't want him to see me like this, I don't want him to worry about me. I've wasted enough of his time already.

"Y/n..."

He slowly puts his hand on my shoulder, but I brush it off, and quickly get up and walk away, drying my cheeks with the back of my hand.

I made him sad enough, I don't want him to be sad because of me. I can't let him down again.

I rush to the bathroom at the end of the corridor and get inside, closing the door behind me.

Luckily, it's empty.

I let myself fall, sinking onto the floor, and as my back is resting against the wall, I can feel the tears coming again.
I can't stop them, it's too much for me to handle, right now.

They start running down my cheeks again, sobs escaping my lips, as I hug my knees closer to my chest.

God, I'm so tired...

Why am I like this?
Why do I let down everyone around me? Why do I hurt everyone I care about?

Maybe their life would be easier if I just didn't exist...

Suddently, I hear a soft knock on the door.

It's Andy.

"Y/n... what happened?" he says, trying to appear calm but failing completely.

"I-I'm fine"

"...Was it something I said?"

"I'm fine!" I repeat a bit louder, sobbing.

He stays silent for a bit.
"...Can you please open the door?"

He's basically whispering now.
I can hear his voice getting thin and shaky as well, worried sick.

I can't let him in, I can't let him see what a mess I am.

"...Y/n?"

I feel awful.
He just wants to help...

"Y/n, please. I-I won't say anything, I just wanna be there beside you..." ...is he about to cry? "I can help you..."

I close my eyes, biting my bottom lip, as I rest my head against the door.

I shouldn't.

I take a deep breath, and, drying off my cheek, I get up and open it. He looks relieved, but I can still see concern on his face.

I silently step aside, and let him come in, closing it shut again.

We sit on the floor, Andy on my left.
I feel another tear run down my cheek, but I ignore it.

"...I'm sorry, Andrew" I whisper "I'm so so sorry..."

I break down into tears once again, but this time, I'm not alone, and he pulls me into a tight hug, as I rest my head on his shoulder.

I let everything out, I can't hold it in anymore.

"I'm so sorry, I'm such an a-awful friend... you re always so nice to me, and take me with you everywhere you go, and... a-and I always ruin everything..."

"Hey, don't say that... It's not true..." he softly says, trying to reassure me.

"Yes, i-it is. I-I'm awful to you... I really don't get how you still want to have anything to do with me, after everything I've done..."

"Hey..." he says "No..."

"I'm so stupid..."

"Y/n"

He takes my face in his hands, making me look at him.

"Stop it, ok? ...You're not stupid"

"Yes, I am..."

"No, you're not. You're not an awful friend, you're not selfish... you've done nothing wrong"

I shake my head, and look down, but he lifts my head up again.

"I know you don't believe me, but at least listen, ok?"

He sighes, and takes a deep breath.

"You're not awful. You're not anything like that. You're amazing. You're one of the most talented and special people I've ever met, Y/n. And I'm so sad you can't see it"

"You're just saying it to make me feel better..."

"No, I'm not! I'm saying it because I mean it! I really do!" he exclaims.

He sighs.

"I just wish you could see yourself trough my eyes, Y/n...I just wish you could actually see how awesome you really are..."

"...Why are you doing this to me?"

"...What?"

"Why are you doing this to me?" I sob "Why are you getting my hopes up for nothing?"

He looks confused.
"W-what are you talking about?"

"Oh, please, don't pretend you don't know. It's not like I'm hiding it that well anyway" I chuckle, sarcastically.

"...I-I don't understand..."

"Why are you doing this to me, Andrew? Why are you making me say it?"

"S-say what? I..."

"You seriously don't know?"

But he's completely oblivious, I can see it in his eyes.

I shake my head, looking up at the ceiling, as more tears fall down.

"I love you, Andy" I blurr out, looking at him again "Happy? I finally said it"

He looks confused, as if he hasn't processed it yet.

"You can go back to your friends now. Don't worry about me, I'll be-

Suddently, his lips are on mine, as his hand rests between my neck and my cheek, holding me close to him.

I- Wha- What's happening?
I don't get it...

It's like I'm frozen, I can't move.
It's all too much for me, I... I can only focus on him. On his skin against mine, on our lips pressed together...

Is this a dream?
Is this real?

We part lips, our foreheads now resting against each other's as we try to catch our breath.

It felt as if time had slowed down, for a moment.

All I can think of is how good his lips tasted. A mix of mint and coffee.
I don't know how, but it's like I somehow already knew that.

"I love you too, y/n" he panted "I always did"

I stay silent for a moment, my breathing heavy, as I try to catch up.

"Y/n? Are you ok?"

This is real.
It's all real.

"...Just shut up and kiss me again"

A/N :/
Hey! I'm back!
Gosh, it's been so long...

Btw, I tried writing in first person, which is something I don't usually do, so tell me if it's good, 'cause I might re-use it in the future.

And also, I know some of you probably like parties and stuff, but I felt like representing the part of us that don't today, so sorry, I think you'll have to pretend this time XD

Anyway, I hope you liked it :)
- Franx

(This is really long to read, sorry.
Just skip it)