Chapter 26: Transit

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Seth sighed softly as he stared at himself in the mirror. He stood nude before it, and in the powerful lights of the bathroom, it was pretty clear how messed up he was. He'd gotten fairly used to the other scars that remained on his body. They'd accumulated over the past several decades when there hadn't been time or opportunity to get to a more serious medical facility. There were fairly effective treatments for getting rid of most any scar nowadays, and he actually had basically free access to them given his rank and status in the Republic military, but not only did he not have the time, he didn't seem to have the want to either.

It felt kind of pointless, given his occupation.

And his level of attractiveness.

Removing scars kind of felt like polishing up a battered, rust-eaten, time-worn trinket. There just wasn't much reason to.

"Why are you sighing in here?" Nova asked, slipping into their shared bathroom and coming up behind him.

"Just...looking at the new scars," he replied.

Specifically, he was looking at his right shoulder. A new patchwork web of scarring had emerged there. It wasn't as glaring as some of the others, but it was ugly. It had come from the burn when he'd first crash-landed on Taris. He knew he shouldn't be bitching about it, even in his own head, because it could have been a lot worse if Seri hadn't saved him or applied that kolto.

"Oh come on, you're being ridiculous, they're no big deal," Nova said. She hesitated, then winced suddenly. "I'm sorry, that was really dismissive and rude. Um...I was actually going for, uh, reassurance."

"It's fine," he replied.

"No, it isn't! This obviously matters to you." She heaved a sigh and came to stand beside him, looking up at him. "I have seen you fearlessly throw yourself into combat with terrible odds, and yet you're hedging now in a simple conversation. Why?"

"Well...this isn't a battle. You aren't an enemy. I don't like fighting."

"Seth, it doesn't have to be a fight!" She paused. "I'm sorry. I'm getting worked up. I just...I care about you, and you're a great person, and I hate seeing you miserable. Which you obviously are...take a shower with me?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied.

She turned on the shower and they got in. He had to admit, this wasn't the conversation he'd been expecting to have first thing in the morning. It was the night after they'd taken off from Dantooine and started heading for Hoth.

"Talk to me," Nova said.

"I don't know what to say, I guess. It just feels like anything on my mind will make you unhappy, because you hate seeing me miserable."

Nova frowned, considering this. "That's a fair point, I guess. But I want to hear it anyway."

He tried to figure out how best to put it, because even in his own head it didn't make sense. "I guess I've got conflicting ideas going on, none of them good. I'm frustrated because these new scars are just the latest thing to be added to the list of unattractive features about me, but at the same time, I also kind of figure, what difference does it make? Ugly is ugly."

"Wow, Seth," Nova said, staring at him from beneath the shower. "That...I'm not even entirely sure where to begin. I mean, you aren't ugly for starters. I at least know that much. And don't give me that 'you're just saying that' crap, Seth. Because I'm not. I'm genuinely attracted to you, for a number of reasons, but one of them is physical. I think you're hot. Obviously Seri does. I think Maya might even be turned on by you, but I doubt she'd ever admit it. And I'm pretty sure you said it yourself: scars are hot. Plus, I'm really not trying to be dismissive here, but why do you even care?"

"I don't know!" he replied, exasperated. "That's what I don't understand! Why do I even care whether or not strangers find my physically attractive?!"

"I think it's a confidence issue. I think this is a symptom, not the problem."

"How do you mean?"

"You obviously have confidence issues, which you really shouldn't. You're obviously strong, physically and mentally. I've personally seen you pull off some physically impressive stunts, and you didn't break after two days of torture. You're dedicated, you're loyal. I honestly think you might die before you'd betray the Republic. You're competent, you're a good soldier, a great shot, brave, if a little reckless. You're fantastic in bed. You have every reason to be confident, but deep down in your core, you aren't. And I know you aren't because...I have the same problem. I'm always afraid and insecure." She sighed. "The fact that I said those words to you is...that is how much I trust you. Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of hate that I trust you so much."

"I actually understand," he replied. "It feels like a weakness, doesn't it?"

"Yes. It does. And being weak has traditionally not gone well for me."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I guess the only thing I can do is promise that I'll never take advantage of you. I'll never betray you."

"I don't think you can promise that. I don't think anyone can," she murmured. "But I can tell that you believe what you're saying. We're getting off track. I'm making this about me...I guess the best thing I've got right now is, you have a lot of reasons to be confident. And, maybe more importantly...try to stop putting emphasis on confidence. What you do matters more. And you do good things. Just keep doing good things, and do your best to leave the baggage behind." She laughed and shook her head. "Listen to me. I should be saying this to myself."

"I think you're a good person," he said.

"Even with all that nasty crap I did before?" she replied.

"I mean, I think so. It's a complicated issue. I'm reluctant to think that your life should become all about the worst thing you ever did. I think people should have a chance to redeem themselves...but I also think a lot of people would just fake it. And I do think some people might be irredeemable. I think, in this particular instance, you're a good person, Nova, and that you're trying to make up for what you did before. And you're doing a good job, I mean look at all the people you helped from the Undercity. And you have a lot of reasons to be confident. I also think you're the most attractive woman who has ever agreed with sleep with me."

She laughed. "Oh, is that so?"

"Yes. More significantly, you're the bravest, most badass woman that's ever slept with me."

"Well, that's good to hear at least. You okay to stop talking and start doing something else?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

"Good." She kissed him.

* * *

After fun in the shower and a quick breakfast, Seth finally took the opportunity to actually explore the ship that was now his home. In all the time he'd been onboard, he hadn't really had time to poke through all the various rooms. He'd simply been too busy. The ship itself was basically divided into five sections, three of them pretty simple. The cockpit was the only thing accessible at the front of the ship, and right now it was on autopilot, traveling through the flashing blue-white tunnel of hyperspace towards Hoth. Various monitors and pieces of equipment bleeped and blipped softly to each other. The center of the ship, oddly enough, served as both rec room and galley. It was strange for a military ship, but then again, clearly modifications had been made to this vessel.

From there he headed into the port side. As he stepped into the metal corridor there, he had a momentary flash of last week, when he'd been standing at this very spot, preparing to go rescue whoever was still alive in the cargo bay. At the end of the hallway, the closed door seemed to wait for him, a slumbering thing of terror. Seth shook his head and made himself keep going. There were two doors along the right side of the hall, the dormitories where Yex and Maya were staying. Two other doors on the left side led to the infirmary and the armory, ironically located right next to each other. He didn't know if that was in the original design, or that was something the technicians who'd fixed it up had done.

And fix the ship up they had.

Although he had his reservations, when Seth stepped into the cargo bay where he'd saved Seri's life and nearly lost his own, he was genuinely impressed. It looked almost brand new. It was mostly empty, save for some crates stacked and lashed to one of the walls. Probably spare parts for the ship, or maybe a good store of food. He left and then took a moment to stop in engineering, at the back of the vessel. Mostly it was taken up by the hyperdrive, which was a bigger, bulkier, older model. From what he'd learned from Yex, they had initially wanted to tear it out and put in a newer, sleeker model, but they didn't have the time or the credits on hand, so instead they'd just opted to fix it up and add in a few modifications. The rest of the room was taken up by big pieces of equipment that Seth imagined managed things like water filtration, oxygen, heat exchange. The important things that kept sentient beings alive in the deep, dead depths of space.

The final portion of the ship, the one he was most familiar with, starboard, held two more dormitories, the one that he and Nova shared, and Seri's. As he stared at Seri's closed door, he frowned as it suddenly, very abruptly and all at once, occurred to him that Seri probably heard them having sex. He felt a powerful burning sensation creep up his neck and across his cheeks, then sighed heavily. Well...she hadn't actually said anything. Man, that was awkward! He had basically given up trying to coax Nova into being quieter, because it seemed impossible, nor did she seem all that interested in making a genuine attempt.

To be completely honest, he didn't want her being quieter either.

There was also the airlock, a small room that held only the closed inner door and three glass-fronted cases that held emergency space suits. The room that he actually stopped and investigated for a bit was the one that would probably have the biggest impact on him over the next few weeks, or however long he was here: a training room that mostly had exercise equipment. It also provided access to yet another cargo bay, this one being completely empty. Seth promised himself to spend some more time in here as he moved onto the final two rooms. One was, like the secondary cargo bay, totally empty. The other held both a technician's workshop and Yex.

"Yex! Hey, how are you doing?" Seth asked as he came in.

The ithorian was standing at a workbench in the middle of the room, scrutinizing some complicated and highly technical device that had been broken down into its base components. There were three lights on overhead and they were powerful, leaving no room for shadows.

"Seth, my friend," Yex replied as he straightened up. "I am very well. I am at home here, in my element, making some final, minute repairs to the ship. And how are you doing?"

"I'm okay, I guess. Still kind of...getting some stuff sorted out in my head," Seth replied. He didn't want to bring the ithorian's good cheer down, but he also didn't want to just lie to him either, even in a socially conscious kind of way. Something about Yex inspired truth and genuine conversation. It was a great feeling.

"I understand. Taris extracted a heavy toll from us, one that we will be feeling for years, I imagine. But I am glad that you are attempting to better yourself. You are on the right path, Seth. You just need to continue walking it."

"That's the plan." He paused. "You know, sometimes it strikes me how insane my life is. Sometimes I feel like I'm being slammed from one dangerous situation to the next, one corner of the galaxy to the next, and it's like I can never get settled, never truly get a grasp on...well, the situation and myself even. Do you know what I mean?"

"I do, actually. Although I have enjoyed long periods of relative peace in my life, I have also experienced great times of consistent danger and upheaval. But let me ask you this: would you prefer a life of peace and quietude?"

Seth considered the question for a moment. It was actually something he'd asked himself more than once over the years. Slowly, he shook his head. "No, I wouldn't. I kind of like this life. I mean, aspects of it. Other aspects I hate, but every life is going to have that."

"Indeed. Everything has its downsides. So if you had a choice, you would continue to choose living this way?"

"I...guess I would. Yeah. I mean, I'd modulate it a little. Throw in a few more vacations and a bit more excess living I guess. But otherwise, yeah."

"It is good that you know this, and acknowledge it. Many people are ill content with their present life, and hold a false ideal life in their mind, a life which is free of pain, no matter how minor. This life does not exist, for anyone. It is impossible to attain."

"Yeah, I guess I have kind of figured that out. I think one of my mentors said it best once, when I was younger. 'The goal of life isn't to eliminate misery, it's to reduce it as much as possible.'"

"Hmm. A bit grim, but ultimately a true statement."

Seth nodded. He glanced back as he heard familiar voices talking quietly nearby. They sounded like they were coming from his and Nova's room. "Thanks for the talk, Yex. I love having conversations with you."

"As I do with you, Seth. I welcome a talk with you at any time."

"Thanks. And if you ever want to talk about anything, come find me." He hesitated. "I guess unless I'm, like...busy with Nova."

Yex offered a rare, deep chuckle. "I would never dream of interrupting your mating."

"I...thanks," he replied, and left the room, because he wasn't sure how to handle where the conversation was going.

He moved across the hall to his and Nova's dormitory. He definitely heard Nova and Seri talking in there. Nova was laughing.

He opened the door. Both women were sitting on the bed, but they both clammed up as soon as he came into the room. "What are you two laughing about?" he asked, grinning, feeling surprisingly playful suddenly.

"Nothing you need to worry about, Seth," Nova replied with a sly smirk.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, looking at Seri, who looked away from him.

"It means mind your own business, handsome," Nova said. "This is a private conversation."

He sighed over-dramatically. "Fine! Keep your secrets."

"Don't worry, they won't be secrets forever," Nova replied.

He was tempted to ask what that meant, but clearly Nova was going to keep her own counsel, as was Seri, and that was fine. Although he was really curious about what it could be. What could they be talking about that they didn't want him to overhear? Maybe they were just swapping sex stories. He supposed he could buy that. Although Nova was cavalier enough to say almost anything, he imagined Seri was a bit more reserved, and Nova was protecting her privacy probably. Well, that was fine then. He closed the door and left, deciding it was high time to get to work.

* * *

"How is the armory?" Maya asked.

Seth jumped slightly and looked back over his shoulder, seeing her standing in the doorway. He hated how quiet she could be.

"Sorry," she murmured. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine. And so far it all looks good," he replied.

"What are you doing?" Maya asked.

"Putting together my kit for Hoth. Now that we've got some time and access to a properly stocked armory, I want to at least try to stack the deck in my favor a little bit more. I imagine that it's going to get dangerous on Hoth."

"Any particular reason?"

"It gets dangerous wherever I go, I've tended to notice."

"That has been true recently," Maya murmured. "When you're finished in here, would you join me for another meditation session? It's important that we build that into your daily routine."

He considered it. "Yeah...you're right. And I really need to get back to working out everyday. It's been so chaotic lately...even by my crazy ass standards. Uh...where should we do it?"

"Come to my quarters, we can meditate there."

"All right. I'll probably be another hour or so."

"Okay. See you then."

He watched Maya go, frustrated at his jumpiness around her. The thing was, he did actually trust her. It was just that...she was a Jedi. She just triggered that fear, that distrust in him. Would he ever be rid of that? Obviously sheer willpower and suppression hadn't done the job. If anything, he was beginning to suspect that it had actually made it worse. So he was going to have to face this. And it was going to suck. Nova had a good point. Why was he so hesitant and afraid in matters that happened off the battlefield?

He guessed it was because you couldn't face emotional or interpersonal problems with a rifle, body armor, and some grenades.

Seth sighed and kept working. Currently, he was modding his Republic Mod Armor. He was giving it an environment underlay that should really help protect him against the cold, and when that was finished, he was going to put on an overlay to protect against blaster fire. He also planned on customizing the assault rifle he'd selected. It was a standard issue, polished silver blaster rifle, brand new and ready for action. Now that he had actual access to all sorts of mods, he intended to kit it out and kill...whatever it was they were going to be fighting on Hoth. As he continued working on this, Seth let his mind fall quiet and became lost in the motions that had become so commonplace to him over the past decade.

* * *

"Okay Seth, you can open your eyes now," Maya said.

Seth opened his eyes and she came into focus, sitting cross-legged in front of him, both of them seated on the thin carpet of her living quarters.

"Deep breath," she said, and he inhaled. "Hold it." He held it, waited. "Release slowly."

He released, breathing out.

"How do you feel?"

"Um...calmer, actually. And focused."

"Good. That was the intent. That is the basic meditation I wanted to show you. We can keep doing this together, but I want you to set aside thirty minutes every day and do this routine from now on. Preferably in the morning. It will help center you, prepare you for the day ahead, calm your mind and emotions. Now, I think we should gather the others and more fully discuss the situation, as I've received a bit more intelligence and it's not great."

They stood up and left her room. As they came out into the central area, Nova and Seri were just emerging as well. Nova was grinning quite big, like she had some kind of secret that she was thrilled about, and Seri...wouldn't quite meet his eyes.

Okay, what the Force did that mean?

He supposed he'd learn eventually.

"Does anyone know where Yex is? I think it's time we finally go over Hoth," Maya said.

"Probably still in his workroom," Seth replied.

"He is, I'll go get him," Nova replied, and headed back the way she'd come. When she returned a moment later, Yex was behind her, and they all gathered on the couches in the middle of the room.

"Okay, let's begin," Maya said. "So, Hoth is a relatively under-developed planet. When the Mandalorian Wars broke out, it was in the process of being mined, with several installations built and mining operations began. Most of

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