Chapter 23: The First Step

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

When Seth woke up the next morning, he felt...calmer.

Not exactly at peace, but calmer than he had been in awhile. For a few minutes, he laid there, staring up into darkness, wondering about that. Maybe it was because he'd killed those Mandalorians and risked his life in a way that was strangely satisfying: he'd done something dangerous and risky, and he'd almost gotten killed, but had managed to come away still functional, and he'd saved a few lives in the process.

It was kind of a win-win all around, (except for the Mandalorians), and it came with that satisfaction he sometimes felt after feeling like he had actually earned his victory. He'd gotten hurt, what could have been a fatal wound, but he'd come out the other side victorious. Maybe, he thought suddenly, that was a problem. But risking his life was part of his job, part of his life. Shouldn't he enjoy it? Well, maybe not.

Seth thought about Maya's question, about if he cared whether or not he died. Did he? He still couldn't be sure. Right now, right here, laying in a comfortable bed next to a beautiful woman who, while he didn't love and knew didn't love him, he at least knew that they cared for each other a lot, he sure didn't feel like dying. But he could feel the core, the dark heart of his pain, of years of suffering, mental anguish, poverty, desperate loneliness, staggering rage, abuse, neglect, and a handful of truly awful experiences that still gave him nightmares, somewhere inside of him. It was numb for now, but it was still there.

Would it ever go away?

If he could, he would surgically remove it.

But you couldn't cut away spiritual suffering, you couldn't remove the emotional scar tissue of tragedy. Maybe that's what he was trying to do with all his reckless endangerment. Nova shifted beside him and came awake.

"Hey," she murmured when he wrapped an arm around her.

"Hello," he replied happily. "You want to, uh..."

She snorted. "Duh."

* * *

Seth and Nova headed out into the main galley. He was feeling even better, relaxed after morning activities and a shower. He'd even settled on what he wanted to do with his hair, since even he, who had mostly totally abandoned any sense of appearance beyond basic hygiene, thought the missing line of hair was a little distracting. He ended up grabbing an electric razor and buzzing the sides of his skull, then having Nova help get the back, leaving just the top of his head covered in his short, dark hair. It looked...different, but he kind of liked it.

Nova really seemed to like it.

Seri and Maya were sitting in the galley across from each other, talking quietly. They both looked over as the pair entered and made for the food area.

"You're awake, excellent," Maya said. "I intend to initiate your training today."

"What training?" Nova asked.

"Uh...Maya's going to try and help me get my anger under control," Seth replied.

"I see," Nova murmured.

Seth wondered suddenly if this was going to be a problem. He saw what must be unhappy emotions playing across Nova's face as she looked briefly at Maya, then returned her attention to the refrigerator. Then she suddenly seemed to realize something, smiled briefly, then continued hunting through the food. He wanted to ask her what was going through her mind, but whatever it was, it probably wasn't something she felt like talking about in front of other people. Speaking of other people...

"Seri, how are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm feeling a lot better," Seri replied. "Thank you for the talk last night."

"You're welcome," he replied.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Seri. You really work yourself too hard," Nova said as she began pulling out some eggs and bacon.

"I know...I'm trying to, uh, cope better. I'm trying not to skip meals or sleep. In a way, I feel a little guilty. This place is so wonderful, a place of healing, I can feel it, and here I am, buried in my own misery..." She sighed heavily and sat back in her chair. "But I am doing better. I guess I'm just trying to remember what it feels like to be happy. I spent a long time being unhappy on Taris."

"A lot of us did," Nova murmured. "I'm so glad we made it here."

Seth ended up cooking for both of them, frying up some bacon and over-easy eggs. When he'd made the food, he and Nova sat down next to each other on one of the couches and began eating. "Is there anything that needs our attention today?" Nova asked.

"I'm not sure. Not yet at least," Maya replied. "Yex is still figuring out the datapad that was found. So far there haven't been any other reports of attacks."

"Okay, perfect. In that case, I'm going to take the opportunity to do a thorough investigation of the ship and take a good, long look at our armory," Nova said.

"I should help after I'm done with Maya," Seth added, realizing that he'd been neglecting that particular duty. But he'd been so damned busy since coming here, it felt like he hadn't really had a spare moment since then.

They finished eating up and as soon as he was done, Maya stood. "Come on, Seth. I wish to begin sooner rather than later, while we have time."

"Okay. Uh...I'll be back later," he said, glancing at Nova.

"Good luck," she replied, and he wasn't entirely sure if she was being sarcastic or not. He had an idea that she wasn't actually sure either, probably because on the one hand, she seemed to have some disdain for Maya, and maybe she found the prospect of any help Maya could offer him dubious at best, but then maybe she also realized that he was at least taking this seriously enough that he was doing it, and that by seeking help, he actually admitted to having anger issues, and she wanted to encourage him getting help. Or maybe he was reading too much into it.

He did that sometimes.

Either way, he followed Maya off of the ship and into the sunshine. It was a bright but cool day, that perfect temperature where it wasn't too hot but had yet to dip into long-sleeve territory. He wondered what the seasons were like on Dantooine.

"Come along. I've found a place for us to do this. Somewhere isolated," Maya said.

"Okay," he replied, following her off the landing pad and down towards a small lake in the distance. He was honestly curious about what this would entail. And he could feel that old, irrational anxiety bubbling inside of his guts as he knew that he was headed to an isolated location with a Jedi. It was stupid. He honestly did not believe that Maya would hurt him or try to trick or deceive him in any way. He genuinely trusted her, or at least as much as he could trust someone nowadays, and yet...the fear remained.

He tried to put it aside. They exchanged no words as they walked across the grassy plains. He tried to distract himself by tracking the progress of the sky rays as they sailed by majestically overhead. It was stupid, how anxious this was making him. He was a freaking grown man, a twelve year veteran who'd fought in over a hundred battles, and he was having difficulties taking a walk across a field with a Jedi.

Finally, they reached the place she wanted to take him, which was actually a slightly secluded little grove at the edge of the lake where flowers grew. It was edged by a rock wall to the back, trees to either side, and the lake itself at its front.

"The first step," Maya said as they stood facing each other, the lake to their side, "is to focus. Close your eyes." He did, feeling his anxiety take another step up. "Take a deep breath. Hold it. Release it slowly."

He did, trying to focus, trying to push away his anxiety. He at least succeeded in arresting it, so that it wouldn't get any worse.

"Open your eyes, Seth."

He did, finding himself looking at her. She peered back at him with her gray eyes. He saw compassion there, and empathy. None of the self-assured haughtiness or arrogance he'd come to associate with several Jedi he'd worked with. So many of them thought themselves superior to all non-Jedi.

"Now, we are going to focus, and we are going to try to release some of your tension."

"Is this going to be like, uh...therapy?" he asked.

"Sort of," she replied, and she held up her hand between them, palm flat, facing up. Suddenly, a very light, thin ball of blue energy appeared.

"What's that?" he whispered. "The Force?"

"This," she said deliberately, "is your confusion."

"What?"

She laughed softly. "It's representative, Seth. Please pay attention."

"Okay."

"This represents your confusion towards Seri. You don't know how to feel about her. You know you like her, and you respect her, and you consider her your friend. But you don't know if there's something more between you."

"How-"

"I'm very empathic. I read people well. If you are concerned that I used the Force to peek into your mind, please believe me when I say that I did not. I simply read people well, and I do sort of...overhear certain things. Not thoughts, per say, but emotions. I wasn't eavesdropping, it just comes to me. Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything. But this is bothering you. Not much, but enough that we need to set it aside."

He sighed softly. "Okay...what do I do?"

"Blow it out, like a candle," she said.

He let out a huff of air. The wisp of blue energy dissolved immediately, and he thought he felt something shift...like a muscle relaxing in his head. But it was so faint that he couldn't be sure whether or not it was his imagination.

"Very good," Maya said. She focused, and this time another ball of energy appeared. This one was less transparent, and colored bright pink. "This is your lust and your passion for Nova. Again, don't worry, I'm not going to judge. Believe it or not, Seth, not all Jedi frown on sex for pleasure or casual encounters. And again, no, I didn't peek...I didn't even overhear your emotions. I didn't have to. Your relationship with Nova is obvious to anyone who cares to look, and...well, I did overhear something else. Nova is rather...vocal."

He sighed more heavily this time and glanced away, frustrated that he was actually blushing. "I...yeah," he muttered, shifting uncomfortable. "Sorry."

"It's fine, Seth. Blow it away. You need to let it go for now."

He refocused and blew again, a little harder this time, and the pink energy lingered for a few seconds, dissolving slowly like blood in the water before fully disappearing. This time, there was no mistaking it: he felt something. Again that sensation of relaxation, of peace, serenity. "Are you...doing something to me? With the Force? What's going on?" he asked.

"No, Seth. I'm not doing anything to you but talking with you," Maya replied. "The only Force I'm using is for the little visual display here. That's you. You are making a conscious decision to set aside your feelings for the moment. And don't worry, they aren't going anywhere. This isn't making you care less about Nova or anyone else. You are simply setting aside your emotions for now. To repair some wounds, doctors apply a local anesthesia to the affected area, so that they can work without harming you. In a way, this is like that. We're anesthetizing your emotions so that we can begin to assess the damage to your mind, and figure out how to repair it."

"I..." He hesitated.

"Do you trust me? You need to trust me for this to work."

"I do trust you," he murmured. "It's just..."

"Yes?"

"Nothing. I trust you. Let's keep going."

"Very well."

A new ball of energy appeared, hovering a few inches above her palm. This one was much more solid and dense, and it was an angry, malevolent red. It was pulsing gently. "This is your anger. Your fury. Your hatred. This is your outrage at a galaxy that does not care. Your disgust with cruelty, indifference, racism, sexism, classism."

"I'm not wrong to hate those things," he said, his voice low.

"No, you aren't," Maya agreed. "But you cannot let your anger, your hate, control you. Seth, one of the first things we are taught in the Jedi Order is to control our emotions. Something I have come to realize is that emotions are tools. Anger can be a fuel. Anger can be used to motivate you to do good. But if you allow too much of it into your life, you allow it too much control. Not to sound cliched, but...this leads to the Dark Side. More functionally, for non-Jedi, it leads to ugly, unnecessary confrontations. It leads to fights. It leads to abuse. It leads to spouses hurting each other, parents hurting their children. It can also lead to indifference, to burnout. Perhaps worst of all, it can lead to sadism, to cruelty. Intentionally harming others.

"That, I think, is one of the cruelest seductions of the Dark Side: when your mind has become so warped that you draw pleasure from the giving of pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain. One of the darkest, most dangerous aspects of this is if you think it can't happen to you. If you tell yourself that you could never imagine being so cruel, you could never imagine yourself seeking to cause pain to innocents, to whoever may cross your path while you are in a bad mood...you are wrong. It can happen to you. It can happen to anyone. Not every Dark Jedi has shared these thoughts...but most have. So set your anger aside, Seth. You must do this intentionally," she said.

He nodded and blew at the ball of energy. It shifted, but then went back into its place. He blew again, harder. It took close to half a minute before it finally dissolved. "That was harder," he murmured softly.

"Yes, that's because your anger has been with you for so long. It's the foundation upon which you built your life."

"It's my biggest problem," he murmured.

"No," Maya said, and he refocused on her, "it is not your biggest problem, Seth. If anger is your foundation, then this next problem is the earth on which it is built." In her hand, which had yet to lower, something new appeared.

This energy was black and trembling. It was solid. It looked like it had weight.

"What-what is this?" he whispered, immediately hating the sight of it.

"This...is your fear, Seth. Your fear of failure. Your fear of judgment. Your fear of me, and my kind. This is your anxiety, your terror. Your nightmares. This is your core. This is the heart of darkness, buried deep behind the trenches of your anger. When you see someone else suffering because of you, and you get that gut-punch feeling, that comes from here. There are other things here, but I cannot sense them properly."

"You don't know why I fear you, do you?" he whispered.

"No. I cannot see it clearly. I would never, without your permission, dive into your mind. When, and if, you are ready to tell me, I will be waiting to hear why."

He stared at the ball of black energy. It seemed to consume his whole world. "Try to release it, Seth," Maya said softly.

He tried for nearly five minutes. The effort left him breathless, and he failed. That thing might as well have been attached to its position with industrial-strength tension wires welded to steel girders that were buried sixty feet down into the bedrock.

"I can't do it," he groaned.

"It's okay," Maya replied, and it disappeared. Some of the tension and anxiety went out of him. "This was just the first session, Seth. That you were able to get to the deepest part, the root of your problems, is quite the accomplishment."

"What should I do?" he murmured. "Are these all problems?"

"No. The first two certainly aren't. Your situation with Seri...you'll figure it out. As I said, it was just barely distracting enough to have to be set aside. Your passion and lust for Nova...just keep an eye on it. Make sure it doesn't get out of control." She smiled suddenly. "I doubt Nova would let it. She is a very...powerful woman."

"Yeah, she is," he agreed.

"You are drawn to powerful women."

"I guess I am."

"Well, as odd as it may seem coming from me, I think that's a good thing. Now, your anger. That is a problem. Your fear, that is a worse problem. If you are to succeed in becoming a healthier person, these need to be addressed and laid to rest. But there are two things I must impress upon you about this process, okay?" she asked, staring hard at him now.

"What are they?" he asked.

"The first: this will take effort and time. This will take years of consistent effort. The second: Your anger, your fear, your negative emotions, the end goal is not to eliminate negative emotions, Seth. That is impossible. The end goal is to manage your emotions. You will always feel anger in your life. Yes, through effort and consistent hard work, the amount of anger you feel will lessen, but it will never disappear. Your goal is not to eliminate anger, but to learn how to deal with it when it does arrive. This is a mistake many people make. This is a reality you must learn to live with."

Seth had to admit, he didn't want to hear that. There were times were he thought that if there was some way to just cut anger and frustration out of his mind completely, he would take it in a heartbeat. But Maya was right, about anger being fuel. How often had he used his fury to get through a particularly brutal situation? And she was right about the other thing, too. He'd reached his tipping point on Taris. Not for the first time in his life, but perhaps the most intense time. He could have killed an innocent during that blackout.

"Okay," he said finally.

"Good." She seemed to relax. "That's most of this first session. I want to show you a few more practical pieces of advice, meditation techniques, tension-release exercises, mental exercises. However, before we get to that, I have a question for you. I don't want you to answer it, not yet. I want you to think about this question. Answer it...when we are preparing to leave Dantooine. The question is: Why do you do what you do?"

He frowned, thinking about it for a moment. It seemed like a surface question, a simple question, and yet...he knew it had depths to it, like a puddle that looked a few inches deep but was actually two feet down.

"I'll think about," he replied.

"Good! Now, the meditation technique..."

* * *

They were at the grove for another half hour. He tried to keep an open mind about what she was showing him, because he'd blown off a lot of this stuff throughout his life. Now, though? He didn't know if it was his experiences on Taris, or the new friendships he'd been forging lately, or maybe even Dantooine itself, but he knew that things were changing inside of him. Or, at the very least, his internal stage was now set for the possibility of change. And he knew that it was crucially important that he act on that, that he intentionally try to change for the better. Because he had seen those like him before, those who had never tried to set aside the anger, who had never actually faced themselves, their emotions, their problems.

He had seen the burned-out, middle-aged, bitter shells of people who seemed to exist simply to continue their own existence. Who seemed to welcome death with tired eyes and open arms. Who seemed to have nothing at all left to live for. Who seemed incapable of happiness or joy or, perhaps most horrifying of all, of progress.

What must it feel like to truly live a life without hope of any kind?

He thought that he had been there more than once,

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net