In this manner, the summer passed. I worked. I studied. And sometimes, I got depressed. Lonely. I missed my girls. I missed my boys. I missed everything. I even missed Tony and shoving him out of the room. I got straight As that Summer and I watched my GPA sky-rocket. Pleased with myself and excited with the guys coming back to school I completely forgot about Clem. In a way, it was a blessing. But it did ruin my first day back because I got my hair done, new highlights, got new clothes with all my new money, and rushed back to school ready to embrace the boys.
Turning the corner and seeing them standing there, laughing in the Atrium, the morning sun capturing the magic of their youth erupted my heart. Then Victor turned to me with a wide smile and I let out a ridiculous squeal. The boys were back. Victor was back. My best friends were back. He looked so good, tanned, the sun bringing out the streaks of natural highlight to his hair, and he looked even more muscular, if that was possible. He strained against his white shirt with a giant hibiscus and the outline of the island.
"You're back!"
He grabbed me and hugged me, lifting me off the floor. He smelled like the sea, salty and carefree. Plus his signature cologne, that sharp citrus musk uniquely his.
"Becka!" Steven rushed at us from the side, making Victor and me stumble.
"It was so boring without you guys," I whined even with a smile on my face, taking them in, taking in the idea that they were all here and I was no longer alone.
"Why did you do this summer?" Steven asked.
"Oh, because of program Professor Allens is recommending me for, I had these prerequisites I had to finish," I tucked my hair behind my ear.
"What program?" Victor asked when Jon shoved me from the side making me topple into Steven.
"BECKY-GIRL!" Jon was lifting me but rough, making my carefully done hair unravel.
"Put her down, you animal!" Victor had to yank me away from him before I lost my breakfast in the atrium.
"You are looking good!" Jon looked me over, unperturbed by the near murder.
"I've been working," I said. "And studying. That's all I've done."
"I think you grew," Jon nodded.
"Stop."
I listened as the guys animatedly talked about their summers, we smiled and laughed at Steven accidentally hiring an escort in Atlanta and Victor told us about his cousin's wedding. Then, from my peripheral vision, I saw other people greet a newcomer. And I spotted a blond head. My stomach froze and I remembered Clem.
FUCK
FUCK IT
FUCK IT ALL
I ducked around Steven and quickly rushed up the stairs, even as Victor called out my name, I rushed to the bathroom and locked the stall. I felt like an utter idiot. First, I had forgotten about Clem. Second, there was still a part of me, a tiny little part that was attracted to him. He had changed. His hair was now cropped short, buzzed, he was bigger, far bigger, taller and muscled. And he still, despite all his problems, he still had that walk. Then I had run away. Victor had witnessed my exodus.
There I hid, sitting on the toilet, just staring straight ahead like an absolute coward. I took a deep breath when two girls entered the bathroom. I knew them, Pepper and the other I forgot her name. They were giggling and I sat quiet, hoping they would just leave.
"He looks so hot today," Pepper told her friend.
"He always looks hot," the friend replied and they giggled.
I held my breath, hoping against hope they weren't talking about anyone I knew.
"It's so hard to talk to him, he's always with that chick, the fat one," Pepper sighed and I froze.
I looked down at my legs, I'd been working out, trying to, but still I was bigger than Pepper. Shame flooded me. They thought Victor pitied me and that's why he was friends with me and maybe that's exactly why he did. He pitied the girl he'd known since the seventh grade, the one who didn't know anyone. But... he was my best friend. The dance at his party, the hugs he gave me, he met me at the track at 7:45... he'd carried me. Tears pricked at my eyes and I placed my hand over my mouth to stop any noise from coming.
"I know," her friend agreed. "I feel bad for her because the guys are so nice to her but it's just cause they feel bad."
Pepper made a noise of agreement and then I heard them leave and I sat there, a turd on a toilet, letting this apparent universal information flood me. They felt bad for me. Victor felt bad for me, he let me tag along. He knew The Patty Girls had left me behind and I had no one and by default, I had joined their little group. Now Clem would also join in all the people who knew this information, the tag along.
I stumbled out, pushing myself out of the bathroom, not caring if I ran into Victor. I was ready to spit on all of them. I rather sit alone than be pitied. Poor Becka with the pretty face but not pretty enough to be considered desirable because I was a fat pretty girl. My face was aflame as I tore through the atrium and straight to the parking lot. Victor was standing outside of the glass door laughing with Pepper and the friend and I saw blood, it erupted inside of me as I went straight by them, refusing to stop when he called my name.
I was holding on to my tears by sheer stubborn will when I heard him running after me. I would not even embarrass myself to try to outrun him so I kept my pace as he jogged next to me.
"What happened, are you OK?" He was looking over my face.
I wished he would leave me the hell alone, the tears were threatening to spill any moment and I would not – would not – cry in front of him.
"I'm fine," I said and rushed through the sidewalk, seeing my car in the distance. He made a noise of incredulity.
"You're not fine, what happened?" He was nearly shouting and my fury erupted, I turned on him, my eyes blazing and my new hair frizzing in the balmy Florida heat.
"I don't have to tell you shit, Victor!" I roared and he looked utterly taken back, hurt even. "Go back and talk to Pepper, she's dying to get you alone without me latching on to you like a leach!"
He looked me over, his mouth open and his eyes wide, but he didn't say anything so I took a deep swallow, my tears were a moment away from spilling and I would not be reduced to sobs. I slowly turned from him and walked slowly to my car. I realized I had destroyed us. Rain could pour down at this moment and I would not mind. Let the whole world cry with me. When I got in my car I glanced at the rearview mirror and saw he still stood there, looking at my general direction, unsure of what to do. His large shoulders were slumped forward and his face was grave and dark. I sped out of the parking lot, refusing to watch him go back to Pepper and blindly drove home. When I pulled up to my house I realized I had sobbed the whole way home.
×××
I skipped my first day of class so my first day as a sophomore was going like shit. Still, I was determined to make up for it tomorrow, the first week was always basically going over the syllabus.
Fall Sophomore schedule went as follows:
Mondays and Wednesday: British Poetry 1900-1979, Environmental Science
Tuesdays and Thursdays: The Romantic Era, 17th Century Humanities, Intro to Psychology.
It was going to be hell and a lot of writing plus I was petrified of Psychology. The good news is that I was more into my core classes having completed a lot of my prerequisites over the summer term. Once I had calmed down from my first-day meltdown I sat in my bed idly reading the first chapter of Psychology. It didn't sound too bad. Actually rather interesting.
That's when Mom knocked on my door. I sighed when she popped her head in, her brows in confusion.
"No fuiste a la escuela hoy?"
She was speaking to me now? After she'd said four words to me in the past few weeks once I had told her I wanted to go to the Chicago program? And now she wanted to know if I'd gone to school?
"Si," I nodded.
She raised a brow.
"Most of my classes are tomorrow." Not a complete lie.
"Ok. Someone is here to see you." She didn't wait for me to say anything she simply opened the door wide and there, like a giant shadow behind her was Victor. Seriously? He had finagled his way into my home and bedroom? Unbelievable.
She just let him and – AND – closed the door behind him. I raised a brow at him.
"My mom thanked her profusely for the sofrito, seems to be the ticket into your bedroom," he said.
I closed my book and stared at him. He shifted, tucking his hands into his pants then looking at me with a set mouth.
"You're not over him," he said.
What?
He must have seen the confusion in my face.
"Clem."
Oh. Oh yes. Clemente Cruz.
"Right," I nodded. "No. I'm fine with Clem being back. Well, no I'm not OK with Clem being in our group, this was like my solace and now I have to find a new group of guys who take pity on me and take me in."
Victor shook his head and sat on my vanity chair. I could hardly see the little white chair behind and underneath his body.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
I groaned and pressed my hand to my forehead. "I'm talking about the fact that the only reason you guys let me tag along is that I'm pitiful. The girls up and left and I'm alone –"
"Oh, shut up," Victor snapped, staring at me in what seemed to be disgust. "What idiot told you that shit and why would you believe them?"
My lips tightened and I wanted to say but I didn't. I would not whine to him. "It's fine if that's the case –"
"It's not!" He stood up. Loomed over me. "You think you're the only one who lost people around them? All of us did. That's what made us all hang together. Jon and I barely said a few words to one another before college and Steven and I had a barely-there friendship. And you and I..."
He paused and he seemed to not really understand what was between us. He motioned to himself and then to me, his mouth still forming.
"You and I, what?"
"I mean you hated my guts, you've always hated my guts," he said.
I stared at him. "I did not."
"From the day you met me you just had this hate towards me, you were such a bitch," he said. "I don't even know what I did to you. I still don't."
We were quiet, he sat back down, my little chair creaking under his weight. I studied my comforter, the teal and yellow of the fabric.
"You didn't do anything," I whispered, and I blinked back the ridiculous tears that seemed to be at the edge of me today. "When I arrived... everything I owned was in a wet cardboard box. I felt –"
I looked at him and he watched me with this intense brown stare. A tear dropped on my cheek and I angrily wiped it away.
"Broken," I said. "It took a long time for me to piece myself together. Sometimes I think I'm still... like when I put myself back together pieces didn't make it. So I've got little gaps. Most of the time I do a good job of pretending they're not there. But, sometimes, I leak. I might never be OK."
He licked his lips and looked down at his hands, picking at the cuticles.
"No one has ever been allowed in my house, none of my friends," his voice was soft and almost unsure. "About a month before you arrived in school, my dad had a car accident. I told all my friends that he was OK but he wasn't. He's never been able to walk since then. We settled a big lawsuit against the truck company and that's how come we have a bit of money. My mom needed help, so I stepped in cause my brother has scoliosis. That's when I started working out, why I work out every day. Dad has to be lifted, and bathed, and – like I have to wipe his ass cause he can't do it."
He shoved his hair back and blinked at me.
"Helene knew. That's why we fought so much because she wanted me to go to Dallas with her, she said we had enough money to hire someone but that's my dad, you know? And I don't mind, my dad is strong and a survivor. I'd never leave someone else to do it."
I noticed his hands were slightly shaking. I slid from my bed, my bare feet on the carpet, and I padded over and stood before him. Then I hugged him, he pressed his head on my stomach and wrapped his big arms around my legs. Jiggly as they were, I did not care. He let out a long sigh against my shirt and I clutched his hair. We fit like a pit inside of a peach, the threads of fiber tucked inside the crevices, holding it tight, molding itself out of the stone within the fruit.
Recommended 90s Playlist (will grow with each chapter)
1. Gettin' Jiggy With It - Will Smith
2. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers
3. Come Baby Come - K7
4. Tubthumping - Chumbawamba
5. Bitch - Meredith Brooks
6. Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
7. WannaBe - Spice Girls
8. Miami - Will Smith
9. Ghetto Supastar - Pras
10. All Cried Out - Allure
11. The Way - Fastball
12. Walkin' on the Sun - Smash Mouth
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