I was bursting at the seams and I could not control myself. Desperation led me to where it led me because I needed to talk to SOMEONE about it and I found Isla not too impressed and not really keen on asking questions and getting details. I needed to gush with someone. A guy had wanted me, a guy had been decent with me, he'd been sexy and considerate and he'd had sex with me. With me. A twenty-six-year-old guy – no – a man! He'd been sexy and self-assured, and just... magical. I had called Yara but she had a new boyfriend and promised we would talk when she got home in ten days. Mercy was in the middle of pledging and couldn't chat and Rosalind had been more and more distant. All the phone calls had been a failure.
Hence why I now watched Victor as he stuffed his face with his second Whopper and considered telling him. I couldn't tell him, he'd make fun of me, he'd tell Jon. Well, no he wouldn't, he wouldn't say anything to anyone but he would know I'd had sex. So what if he knew I had sex? He had plenty of sex and he didn't walk around ashamed of it.
"What is it?" He was staring right at me. "What's wrong?"
"Why do you think something is wrong?"
"You're staring at me and haven't touched your food," he pointed to my untouched salad and burger. I looked down and then back up at him.
"Can I trust you to be mature about something?"
He raised a brow and set down his food. His face was open and lacking judgment. So I took a deep breath.
"You've slept with a lot of girls," I said and he cocked his head, a smile playing on his face. To his credit, he waited for me to continue. "What are... what are the expectations after, you know, it happens?"
He raised a brow, one finely shaped brown brow, his lips were still quirking. "Are you planning on sleeping with anyone?"
I looked down at my salad and desperately wanted fries. "I kinda already did."
He was silent so I looked back at him and he was quietly studying me. "That Adrian kid?"
"No!" I blushed and took a long drink from my Sprite.
His brows furrowed. "Then who?"
"Can we focus on my question?"
"Tell me who. If this is what our friendship is like now, I'd like to know who you had sex with," he said.
"Why?"
He shrugged but his jaw was tight. "It could affect the answer."
I let out a frustrated breath. "You don't know him, he's no one anyone knows."
"Try me," he leaned back, his shirt rode up a bit to reveal hairs on his taunt stomach. It reminded me of Case's stomach and how nice it had felt against my belly.
"I met him at Club Test," I said.
A slow smile formed on his stupidly handsome face. "You slept with a gay guy? Jesus, Becka!"
"He's not gay! He's a bartender there, he's roommates with my friend, and he's twenty-six." I smiled smugly at his shocked expression.
He didn't say anything just looked at me, almost as if he was attempting to discern if I was lying. "Then he's an asshole."
My mouth flew open. "What? He's not!"
"He is. You're eighteen, he's twenty-six, he took advantage of you."
I felt hot all over and my fists clenched and unclenched.
"You were probably drunk, vulnerable," he continued. "He wanted a nut, you were it."
What I was most angry about were the tears that came to my eyes because I was not a crier, I only cried in movies. My chest constricted and it hit me how much I missed Yara, how much I missed people who would be happy for me and celebrate these life milestones instead of pointing all the bad crap. I knew sleeping with Case was not what I had envisioned when I lost my virginity, I imagine I'd know the guy. Really, I had hoped Clem would've stepped up but he hadn't. Alvin hadn't stepped up and Clem hadn't stepped up but Case had. He hadn't made me feel pressured which was more than I could say for other girls.
Victor shifted and I looked at him, his jaw was slacked and I realized I was crying.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I stood up, pushing my chair back and rushing to the bathroom and locking it behind me. It was one of those single stalls and it wasn't the cleanest but I was alone and I had solace. I let out a pathetic sob then pressed my hand to my mouth to be as quiet as I could. How ridiculous, crying in the Burger King. Crying because of something so ridiculous. Then I heard a soft, almost tentative tap, on the door.
"Becka."
Why couldn't he go away? Just disappear. He was awful, why I thought we could be friends was the biggest mistake I'd ever done. He didn't know how to be friends with someone, he just shit on everything.
"I'm sorry, god, I'm... I'm the asshole, alright? You were right." His voice was quiet, it was pressed against the door.
I took a shuddering breath and looked down at my hands, my nails were chipped, I was painfully ordinary. I was 'cute' that was the word used. I wasn't stunning, I wasn't alluring, I was nothing but ordinary. I was nothing like the girls in my stories, I wasn't Elizabeth Bennet, I was a Jane Eyre with no Rochester to love me.
I stayed sitting as my tears dried and I realized I was stranded at Burger King. Victor had driven, as he always did, and he had left, I had heard his footsteps retreat. I never wanted to speak to him, I never wanted to see him. I would have to call my dad to see if he could pick me up and it only made me realize I missed my girls even more. Normally I would have called one of them but they were far away and were busy with their own lives.
Slowly I stood up and opened the door and when I stepped into the hallway, I saw Victor was sitting there, quiet and waiting. His back was on the wall, his long legs drawn up and his arms rested on his knees. He looked up at me but didn't move.
"I thought you left," I said.
"I thought about it," he said.
"Why didn't you?"
He swallowed and looked away then slowly stood up, his body looming over mine but he tucked his hands into his pockets. He shrugged his shoulders and I shook my head.
"Why are you like this?" I asked and I studied his face which was pinched and drawn. His cheeks reddened as he met my eyes.
"I don't... I've never." He licked his lips. "I never had friends before. Friends like this."
"You've always had friends," I said.
He shook his head. "Those are people I knew. This, you and me, this is different."
I studied him. "You can just be decent. Be happy when things happen to your friends. Be considerate. If they're hurt, you hurt. If they're happy, you are happy."
Victor considered this, as he watched me, almost distrustful of my definition.
"And if you fuck up, you apologize," I pointed at his chest, poking him.
"I did apologize!" His hands were suddenly on my shoulders, he squeezed me, and I saw that he was sincere.
I nodded. "Ok. Apology accepted."
He squeezed me again then threw a heavy arm over my shoulders and steered me back to our table filled with cold food. I grasped at his waist and for the first time it felt like we were actually friends.
"Was he nice, at least?" He asked.
I smiled. "Yes, he was very nice."
"Good," he said. "Otherwise I'd have to kick his ass."
"If you could get through the club in one piece, you could try."
His loud guttural laugh rang in my ears.
×××
I found them at the atrium, as always, scoping out the situation, the girls mostly and laughing uproariously about whatever joke Steven was saying. I saw that the group was growing exponentially, there was now about ten of them, most I knew others I didn't care to. Victor stood in the middle of them wearing a Superman shirt that tightly clung to his chest, had this guy never heard of sizing up?
When they spotted me, Steven turned with a wide shinning smile. "Becky-girl!" He jumped down a few steps, grabbing me and lifting me up.
Once again, I wondered at the predicament I had found myself in, being one of the guys. Truthfully it disillusioned me, guys were ridiculous and most of their conversations somehow revolved around weight lifting, sports, movies I didn't like, music, and video games.
When Steven put me down, I pushed away from him. "That's enough."
"Becka, when are you going to bring us a boyfriend for us to approve?" A smile was still plastered on his face and I couldn't help but shake my head. Case was not a boyfriend, he had been something, but certainly not a boyfriend.
Jon was lounging on one of the steps while Victor fiddled with his phone. Jon studied my face with a contemplative look as I stuffed my scientific calculator into my bag.
"What, Jon, what is it?" I blew the hair out of my face.
"You know, Becka," he said. "I'm looking at you now and you know, you're quite pretty. You've got a pretty face, I know about these things, I can see it."
Oh no, don't go there.
"If you lost some weight, you'd be really hot, just like 20-30 pounds and man, you'd be the hottest girl around."
He smiled as if he'd just paid me the highest compliment in the land. There was a sudden silence in the group and I fought to keep myself composed and neutral.
"Thanks."
I felt utterly ashamed of being called out. I'd lost weight since junior year, and what most people didn't know was that I didn't mind my full figure, and guys liked me. Maybe not this motley crew but Alvin had and Case had certainly loved what I carried. What hurt my throat was the fact that these were supposed to be 'my guys' – the replacement of my Patty Girls and now they were fat-shaming me. Wonderful.
"Man, shut up." Victor was in his face. "Why would you say that to her, that's fucked up."
I stared at the situation. I felt ashamed and confused. I knew I had given Victor a speech on friendship but the last thing I wanted was for him to alienate Jon for his ignorant comment. But Victor's back was tense, muscles rippling, truly carrying the name of Superman.
"I'm just saying -"
"You don't say that to women or people, asshole," Victor said. "Apologize to Becka."
"I'm saying she's pretty!" Jon held his hands up. "She's gorgeous, I'd date her if -"
"If I was thinner," I said and Victor turned to look at me but my eyes were locked on Jon. "Well, joke's on you because even if I was size zero and a supermodel, I wouldn't date you, Jon."
"Why?" Jon looked utterly astonished.
"Because you're a jerk and a shitty person," Victor said
Jon's mouth fell open, staring from Victor to me.
"Ok, fine, you know what, Becky-girl, you're gorgeous just as you are," Jon said with a pinched face. "I'm not saying anything else; I'm not even speaking. I'm going to class."
We watched him rush up the stairs and the conversations went on as it always did around us but I still felt exposed, like someone had stripped me naked and they had all stared at me and my jiggly bits.
"Hey, don't pay him attention." Victor was standing before me, I could smell him, I could smell his cologne. His voice was quiet, even as the guys went on around him laughing.
"He's not wrong though." I glanced at him as I pulled out my phone. "Guys want these perfect girls with perfect faces and perfect bodies. The whole package."
Victor opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head, drop it.
"Did you finish that psychology paper?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"Ok, I'm going to be in the library later, if you want to come." I turned away from him but I felt him grab my hand and pulled me back. I sighed and looked at him. His face was serious and his brows were knit together.
"Guys don't want perfect girls," he said and I met his eyes.
"Then what do they want?"
He studied me and I saw his throat bob up and down. "We'll know when we see it."
For one crazed, delusional, absolutely unexplainable moment, I wondered what it would be like to be wanted by Victor Manning. My stomach shrunk to the size of a raisin and I felt my nipples shrivel at the prospect. I pulled my hand from his and licked my lips. I had to look somewhere else.
"Ok, good to know," I said and I was sure I resembled a race horse, stumbling to the library, covered in sweat, neighing from something I could not explain.
Recommended 90s Playlist (will grow with each chapter)
1. Gettin' Jiggy With It - Will Smith
2. Kiss The Rain - Billie Myers
3. Come Baby Come - K7
4. Tubthumping - Chumbawamba
5. Bitch - Meredith Brooks
6. Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt
7. WannaBe - Spice Girls
8. Miami - Will Smith
9. Ghetto Supastar - Pras
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