when there's hurt, there's happiness. all you gotta do is wait.

Cameron's Journal
Entry a hundred-something..

I hadn't written in a long time. Well, overall I hadn't written a lot since I was nine. I stopped around my tenth birthday and I just recently started writing about my life again.

It's been a month or so since our championship win and I still admire the trophy in our trophy case. It's quiet in the front den of our school. Class doesn't even start for another half an hour. It's only me sitting on one of the chairs, looking down at my old, tattered notebook. It has sticky notes in it sticking out, torn edges, and scribbles of some sort on the edges. Some students have their headphones in and some quietly chatted to their other mutuals.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if our world was perfect. No mistakes, no pain, no hurt, no lies, and no tears. These things keep me up at night. I imagine having the life I wish I could have.

I just spotted Sierra's car, I should go. Let's see if I even remember to write later.

-C

~

"Hey! Your cheek looks way better than a week ago." she walks in, giving me a check on the face.

My cheek isn't bruised anymore and it's a but of yellow-green color. Ty felt bad that whole week and was fearing for his life every time he saw me with a volleyball. I see Parker striding in with Olaf pajama pants and a Disney World hoodie and Sierra hides her face in my shoulder and her shoulders shake.

I chuckle as she huffs by us. "Someone went to Disney before school." I give Sierra a nudge who rolls her eyes playfully.

Parker gives me an unimpressed look and she sets down her bag before sitting in front of me.

"Ma literally did my laundry right before school! These were the only clean things I have. I look like a literal weirdo!" she grumbles and I hear the boys chatting away, walking in. Once they spot us and head over, Blake bursts out laughing and Ty covers his face.

Kaydon pats her on the shoulder. "You look like you're in pain." he teases and she shakes him off.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Blake smirks and shakes his head. "Oh, no. We have to talk about this." Parker throws her granola bar at him and he catches it gladly, opening it. I see Kaydon make his way over to Sierra, giving her a kiss on the temple and they both sit by themselves a little bit farther from us.

Ty slides into a chair next to me, his cologne filling my space and he's looking at them with a proud face. "God, I love them together." he mutters. I smile at the two sitting with huge grin on their faces.

They both look happier and that makes the whole group happy too. The sun shines past the window near them and it hits the both of them at the sides of their faces. They laugh and smile and I think to myself for a second. Somehow they both shine brighter than the sun shining on them.

Blake groans, "They make me feel so single."

Same, Blake. Same.

We chat for a bit before the bell rings and when it does, I grab my things and waited for Ty. Him and I have art class together. Parker and Kaydon went off to chem and Sierra and Blake went their separate ways to their classes.

Ty throws away his trash and nods his head to our classroom. "Come on." I follow him and we make our way down the halls to our class in good conversation.

We walk into the art room with the smell of paint and we find our usual table. Some students were already there and others started filling the room. My spot was taken by the new girl I helped around school, Kasey Paulson. She has ginger faded hair and icy blue eyes that are glaring straight at me. Ty doesn't seem to mind and sits down, nodding towards a stool in front across from him to me.

I shake it off and sit down before our teacher starts talking. Kasey side glances at us and fixes her hair before turning her attention towards us.

"Cameron, right?" she turns asks me and I nod with a smile.

"It is. You're Kasey right? I remember helping you around and then getting lost to the office." I grin. She seemed pretty irritated but I swear, her perfume or something gave me a headache! What does she need to hide, god. It must be really bad then because she drowns herself in this strong grape perfume.

She nods quickly and I can see her scooting closer to Ty. I see his nose scrunch up. I don't know why I have the instinct to shove her away but I put it aside. Ty turns and gives a friendly smile before taking out his last project out of his backpack. It was a drawing of the whole group in these ridiculous Halloween costumes. Kaydon and Sierra are wearing duck costumes, Blake is wearing a Buzz Lightyear one, and Parker and I are wearing janitor outfits.

"Ooh, what's this?" Kasey moves closer to the table and puts a hand on his arm that's rested in the table.

This bitch needs to keep that nasty hand away.

He shrugs, shaking off her hand before handing me it. "Do you think Mr. Gilson will allow this as the final project?" Kasey looks offended and starts going on her phone. I squint at the photo, thinking and he laughs at my intense concentration.

"Maybe. It does look ridiculous." I tease and he rolls his eyes, leaning forward a bit. His arms rest on the table and his eyes are a slightly bit narrowed. His eyes have a playful spark in them.

"It is not." he says, looking at me dead in the eyes. I lean forward too, narrowing my eyes with a playful smirk.

"It is to me." I sang, flicking his forehead. He winces and I hear Kasey scoff. I turn to her, cocking my head to the side. I furrow my eyebrows at her and Ty turns to her as well and she twirls a strand of her hair on her finger.

"Yes, Kasey?"

She gives me a fake smile. "Sorry to interrupt your flirting, but Mr. Gilson is getting ready to start class," she says, taking a glance at Ty who looks unfazed, staring at the board in the front. "You can always flirt with him after class, Cam."

"Don't fucking call me that." I snap and she puts two hands up in defense. Only my close friends can call me Cam and Kasey isn't a close friend.

"Touchy subject?" she responds with an evil grin. I wish to slap this girl right now but I stop myself before getting kicked out of this class. I keep myself quiet. I don't usually attack too badly in fights, that's mostly Parker and Sierra.

Ty gives me a look to make sure I'm okay and I nod. The rest of the class, the three of us are silent towards each other and I see Kasey's subtle ways to touch Ty. He ignores it and shoves her off every now and then. I snicker to myself.

Once the bell rung, I immediately grab my things and headed out the door. It was my free period and this is the only free period I have with Sierra and Blake. Ty has a bit of time before his class so he meets up with us. I walked as fast as I could without anyone noticing towards the common area where there are couches and tables including the front desk.

"Hey, hey sis! How was class?" Blake ruffles my hair as I sit down out of breath beside him on the couch. Sierra sets her stuff down and sits across from us with her back against the couch arm rest and her ankles crossed at the end.

I drink gulps of my water before answering. "It was fine. There's this new girl who really-" Ty runs up to us out of breath, with his hands on his knees.

Sierra has her knuckles against her mouth to suppress a smile and Blake starts laughing. "Dude how are you going to be our wide receiver if you're out of breath!"

Ty flips him off and rolls his eyes before turning his attention towards me. Oh, fuck.

"Cam, you left me there with Kasey alone! I practically had to jog to keep up with you." he says and I shake my head.

"I could not stand being near her at all." I mutter.

Sierra leans forward, intrigued in our conversation. "Wait, Kasey as in the new girl you tried showing the way to the office?" she asks and I nod. She does an 'O' shape in her mouth and nods.

"She seems sweet." Sierra mumbles and I shoot her a look. She puts her hands up in surrender and continues scanning her laptop screen.

I scoff, "Sweet my ass. She's bitchy as hell!" Ty rolled his eyes and I shoot him a glare. Does he seriously think that? He looks at me confused and I stand up to excuse myself. Blake looks at us in deep thought before turning away.

"I'll be back, I need to go to the bathroom." I say, Sierra and Blake nod before getting into a conversation with themselves. I walk away as quickly as I can to the bathroom and as I was just about to reach it when I feel a hand tug on my wrist turning me around. My back hits the wall beside the bathroom door and Ty is directly in front of me. No one is in the hall.

"Ty, get to class." I say quietly, avoiding eye contact. He knows when I'm upset or frustrated but right now I just need air. Kasey has gotten in my head and I'm overthinking about it with Ty. I gotta stop overthinking.

He shakes his head, "What's going on Cam? You're acting weird." His eyes search mine and I exhale slightly.

"I'm fine," I say, half-lying. "Everything is perfectly fine, Ty." Everything should be fine. It's just the 'new girl' being bitchy and getting into my head.

Ty chuckles, "It didn't seem like it during art." his hand loosens on my wrist and I was able to use my force to walk away, but when he tugged me back, I used my strength to flip us around so that now he's against the wall and I'm in front of him. Since I'm quite tall I can almost reach eye level. I'm almost his height but he's still taller. I look at him in the eyes. We're only inches apart and I can feel our hearts beating rapidly. His eyes have a surprising glint as I stare into them.

"Ty, I'm fine. Go talk to fucking Kasey for all I care." I say lowly. He tried to say something back but the bell for the next class to start rings and I step away, walking into the bathroom. I hear him mutter a string of curse words and I lean against the sink counters.

I am a fucking terrible person, aren't I?

I stare at my reflection and I see the bags under my once bright blue eyes that are now dull in color. My hair is in a frizzy state instead of pin straight like usual and my brown hood is over my head and the jeans on me feel too tight. It's all wrong. My breathing is also getting rapid and I close my eyes for a split second before rubbing them.

I imagine Kasey with her nicely styled cherry-colored hair. Her make-up was done sharply and glamorous like she was walking the red-carpet on the next day and her crop top fits her well, but her skirt is way too short for school. She's dressed presentably while I look like a bum. I turn on the sink and splashed my face with water. I pat myself down and I sigh, still staring at myself in the mirror.

These moments happen sometimes when I get too into my head. When I was little, I struggled with self-acceptance and self-love. I know a lot of people struggle with the same thing but I just can't seem to 'get better' from it. Every day I feel like shit compared to everyone else. It hurts.

Oh how I hate myself. I hate how every time I look at other girls I feel so insecure of myself. Harry made sure I felt like that all the time.

**

"She looks fine!" I heard my mother shout downstairs. I flinched from the loud slam on the coffee   table. My head was peeking out from the door.

"She looked like a fucking slut, Carol!"

Tears starting pooling into my eyes and I felt Blake's hand on my shoulder. He tried pulling me back but I refused, still listening.

"It was a short top and jean shorts! Appropriately sized for a six year-old!" she snapped and I couldn't take it. Blake pulled me in and covered my ears as I cry into his chest.

The words my father said would hurt me but I smile through it, agreeing with whatever he said. Blake rubs my back and told me that I look beautiful either way.

I try to believe him, but I fail to.

**

I wipe the fallen tears from the corner of my eyes and plaster on a soft smile as I walk out. I sometimes have these random moments in the bathroom, they mostly happen at home. Only Sierra and Parker know about it but they don't know how often I get it. I try to tell them that I really do love myself. We all know that's a fantasy in my head that I wish was real.

I shake it off and walked on over to Sierra and Blake and they stop their conversation to greet me again.

"Hey! You okay?" Blake asks, rubbing my shoulder. I nod and pulled out my light yellow and green planner. Sierra has her laptop out with a charger connected to it and Blake, of course, has a pretzel in his hand and a huge textbook open.

"Where'd you get the pretzel?"

Sierra snorts, "He got pretzels downtown earlier this morning and stuffed it in his bag." He offers me a bite and I decline with a grin. Ty was nowhere to be found. I didn't mean to sound all bitchy. God, I gotta apologize.

We set into a light conversation about our classes and football tryouts for the guys in a couple days. The boys have been working together on their skills lately and it seems like Zach and Kaydon are fighting for that captain spot.

"Thompson has nothing on Kaydon! Kaydon could beat his ass over and over again." Blake says, tossing the crumpled ball of paper from his pretzel in the air. Sierra laughs and continues typing on her laptop.

We all know Kaydon is going to beat Zach's ass. Coach loves Kaydon already, I mean who could hate Kaydon? Okay, maybe when he was first back here but he's better now.

Blake excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Sierra closes her laptop to lean forward towards me. She searches for something on my face and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. She has that thinking face on and she crosses her arms on her chest.

"Something's up," she concludes, leaning closer towards the table. "What's going on?"

Of course she notices. Sierra has this sixth sense or sone shirt! She's like everyone's therapist and I'm so glad she is. She can always see right through my bubbly, happy self and well, I cry more to her than anyone else.

"Just, stuff." I sigh, rubbing my temples and she puts a hand on my leg to calm it down.

"Tell me when you're ready, okay?" she smiles softly and I nod. She's always so reassuring and patient with us and I have no clue how. Since day one she's been handling us all.

Kaydon is so damn lucky to have her for the rest of his life.

**

Blake and I walk into the foyer and once we put our shoes on the rack, we just hear mom and Harry shouting at each other in the kitchen. I sigh and Blake rubs my shoulder as we walk further into our home, and into the kitchen.

The unsliced apple is left on the cutting board as she continues to shout at him in frustration. Harry stands there with his stupid suit on with wrinkles creased on his forehead from his angry expression. Blake puts his hands on my shoulder to calm me down because of my shaking hands and I look back and forth at the angry split couple.

"You don't love this family!" my mom's voice cracks and it's like a part of me cracks too. "You fucking forget about this family Harry." she says, almost a whisper and I feel everything in me crumble to the ground.

Every time they fight I break because our family falls apart every time. I hate reliving their last fight and the way Harry inflicted his anger on to Blake. Not with actions but words.

It was the same with me when I was little.

The dad I knew was no where to be found during my life. My mom raised us on our own and whenever my dad comes home, surprisingly sober, he would just turn on the TV and ignore everyone. Watching football. My mom knew how terrible of a dad he was and she tried so hard to change him.

Some people need more than a simple change, you know? Like help.

Yeah, Harry needs an insane amount of help. We can tell.

"What you don't understand Carol is that this family isn't stable!" his voice booming through our home. Blake and I stand there, frozen into place.

He hated their fights too. He would grab a pillow to cover his ears to just block out every curse word or insult they fling at each other. Blake would always try and run to my room to be there with me as I cry into his arms. I try to make light jokes but he just does a half-earned smile, still hearing the shouting downstairs. My jokes faded ever since he left and I was on my own. I would just sit in my bathroom with the shower on or music blasting just so I could stop it all.

"You think I don't know that?" my mom responds, stepping closer. "It was never stable since you were here! When you left, I actually felt lighter. There wasn't this pressure on my back anymore." her voice is strong and I know Blake is proud of her.

"Cameron was the only thing I had left of this family. You took her other half without me agreeing! Of course this family isn't stable, it hasn't been since you decided to take Blake away!

"You can't come back into our lives like this. You won't make it any better." he shakes his head at that and grabs his coat and a beer bottle.

Before he walks towards the front door where we once stood, he turns around and grips my mom's chin harshly, turning her back to face him. "We aren't fucking finished." he spat. My jaw drops.

I almost stormed on over to him to slap him but Blake does it first, walking up towards Harry and gripping his shoulder tightly, he turns him around. Thank fuck Blake is taller.

"Don't you fucking touch her again like that." he says through gritted teeth. Harry laughs, unamused.

"Well isn't it mom's little angels!" he shouted, a sick grin on his face. I run on over to my mom who holds me tight, burying her head into my neck. I rub her shoulder, bringing her further back into the living room.

I look at Blake with a pleading look to get him out and he softens his gaze at me as he turned away from Harry.

"Blake, get him out of here." I mutter, not even sparing a glance at Harry who's already grabbing his keys and such on the table.

Harry shoves off Blake and starts walking towards the door. "Already doing it myself." was the last thing he said before slamming the door shut. The paintings rattle against the wall and Blake immediately runs into my mom's arms.

"Mom, are you okay? Did he hurt you? I swear to god if he hurt you anywhere I'm going to-" he rambles but she shushes him with a smile, fixing the beanie on his head.

"I'm okay, Blake. Go upstairs and wash up, I'm fine." she assures him and I give her a wary look. She nods along and I sigh, stepping up the stairs and Blake follows me.

"He's a fucking bastard." he mutters, walking behind me. We reach our rooms which are conveniently across from each other's.

"Damn right," I sigh, before opening my bedroom door and locking myself away from every possible thing in this twisted world.

**

a/n

unedited

GUYS. HOW ARE YOU LIKING IT SO FAR?

cameron goes through SO MUCH SHIT GUYS OKAY. its hard for her. its going to be hard for her in the beginning and only parker and sierra can help right now!!

trust me when i say ty and cam's relationship will get better later on! it's going to be rocky at first.

THANKS FOR READDINGG AHH ily guys sm!

-s