Chapter 54

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"Avery, please listen to me." Alec's shaky voice falls onto my ears.

I have listened to everyone, but now I will listen to myself, which is telling me to end this torment.

"Move back, you will fall down."

"No, I will not fall down." I shake my head once, "I will just rise above everything." My voice not wavering at all.

Above all pain.

"Why are you doing this?" His frantic voice, makes me want to laugh, but I feel too drained even to laugh.

"Because I don't keep anyone's debt."

One small step, then you will be free of this burden. Just one small step.

"Don't you dare, Avery," he shouts, "Listen to me, just listen to me."

I am sorry for becoming the reason for your pain. But maybe you would feel satisfied to know, that all my life I was never happy. You wanted me dead, you wished I never existed, dad. As your daughter, I will fulfill your wish.

My birth brought sadness in your life, I hope my death will bring joy to you wherever you are. I hope you are watching me from somewhere and feeling happy. 

You have no idea, how much I want you to be alive at this moment. I want you to live this moment, where I  finally free you from the burden of being my father, witnessing with your eyes what you always wanted coming true. Consider this as a last gift from your daughter, whom you never loved. I wish I could say I love you, but I will not as I know it will only hurt you even more. 

A single tear rolls down my cheek, as I uncurl my fingers from the cold metal railing while I taking a step forward. 

But instead of going forward, my body jerks back into another body as Alec lifts me over the railing by tightly wounding his arms around my body.

I thrash in his arms as he pulls me away from the edge, feeling all the restrain leaving my body. 

"No, leave me!" I yell, frustratedly, while I try to fight off him, "Just leave me, Alec."

I watch my freedom getting away from me, as moisture forms in my eyes.

He puts me on my feet, turns my body to face him still keeping his iron grip on me. I continue to pull myself away from him. 

"Enough!" His hands tighten on my arms painfully.

"Let me go." I try to loosen his grasp on me.

"I said enough, Avery," he shouts, shaking my shoulders to make me look at him.

He looks down at me with so much anger that I freeze in my place, not able to do anything other than staring at his face. 

His hard glare softens slightly as anguish seeps into his eyes which are fixed on my face.

"Enough, Firefly," he whispers, his jaws clenching and unclenching, while cupping my face with his hand he swipes his thumb across my cheek.

I don't even realize when a traitorous tear streams down my face, as my vision starts to get blurred.

"It hurts, Alec," I admit for the first time, as more tears gather in my eyes. "I can't live like this."

"Every breath which I take is a burden." Swallowing, I look away from his face, "And how it could not be? I have stolen these breaths from the woman who gave me birth. I killed her." Closing my eyes I try to restrain the tears.

"The person who was my father is no more because of me. He never loved me... He never wanted me... he killed himself because of me..." 

"He didn't even want to see my face because my face reminded him of mom." I drag my hands over my face, "Is it my fault that I look like my mom?" I swallow asking this question more to myself than him, taking a deep breath trying to reign my emotions.

"I always believed that I am the reason why they are not alive, I am the one who ruined their perfect happy lives." I shake my head, "But still, all this time I thought at least he loved me but never knew how to show it. However, that misunderstanding is also cleared now. He never showed me any affection, not because he doesn't know how to, it is because he never loved me."

"I don't want to live." My voice cracks, "Nothing will change for anyone, but I will be free from this weight of being unwanted and unloved." Tears prick in my eyes, as I try to hold them back, and my throat tightens.

"At least I deserve this much." My lip quivers as sobs start to bubble up inside my chest before I know silent tears have turned into whimpers.

Holding my breath, I clench my hands and try to dig my fingernails in my palms until the skin breaks. Pain...any pain but this pain which tearing my heart. 

"Look at me." Alec holds my face, forcing me to meet his distressed yet furious gaze, "Don't hold in, just let it all out."

"I promise it will get better, just let out your pain... allow yourself to cry. Don't be so hard on yourself." Bringing my face forward, he places a kiss on my forehead.

His words unwind something in me, I feel all restrain leaving my body and the first set of tears stream down my face.

My knees buckle as silent sobs wrack my body, instantly he draws me into his embrace. Holding me tightly against him, his hold is so tight that I am barely able to breathe but I don't care.

I need him to hold me, so I can allow myself to break.

Uncurling my fists, I wrap my arms around him as I cry into his chest. He doesn't say anything, he simply holds me. 

I can feel his hold tightening on me, every time I draw shuddering breath.

He doesn't say it is okay, because he understands it can never be okay for any child to know that their parent hates them.  

Pops face flashes in front of me and regret floods my heart thinking about what I was about to do. Hot tears flow from my eyes, thinking I was about to do the same thing which my father had done. 

How can I even think to do this to Pops? My pain is not bigger than his. He lost his son, then also he stays strong for me. Whereas, I was so consumed in my pain that I almost forget how my one decision will affect him. It would have killed him.

I try to muffle my loud sobs by hiding my face in his chest. As now my heart is filled not only with pain but also with regret. I am so thankful to him, for stopping me from committing such a big mistake. 

I don't remember when was the last time I had let myself cry. The pain is still there but, as he said, I feel some kind of weight has been lifted up from my heart. The suffocating feeling is no longer pressing my heart, just silent ache is there as a reminder. I don't think this ache will ever leave my heart but, at the same time, it is something that will not kill me. 

Gradually, my sobs turn into sniffles but I can still feel tears sliding down my face. Unwrapping his arms, he pulls me away from him. When my swollen eyes meet his gaze, I am surprised to see fury in them. 

There is no emotion present on his face other than anger. I can't believe this is the same person who was holding me while I was crying, because of the way anger is radiating off him. 

Clenching his jaws tightly, he glares at me. For the first time in my life, I am afraid of him. The rage present in his eyes sends chills down my spine.

He watches me for a moment, then without saying a word he turns his back on me and starts walking away. Watching his retreating figure clenches my heart in the most painful way.

"Alec, please don't leave me," I cry, hot tears flood in my eyes, "Please, don't leave."

His steps halt, but he doesn't turn around.

"Please." Swallowing, I whisper.

"Why?" He turns around as he glares at me, "Why should I not leave you?"

"Weren't you trying to do the same?" Covering the distance, he stands in front of me, "Answer me, Avery, weren't you trying to leave me?" He yells, making me flinch.

"You don't have any idea how much mad I am at you right now," he says through gritted teeth, "I don't even want to think what would have happened if I wasn't able to find you in time." He runs his hand through his hair and tugs them harshly, looking away, while trying to control his anger.

Not able to meet his eyes, I look down trying to stop myself from crying, but failing miserably.

Unexpectedly, he snakes his arm around my waist dragging me towards him, at the same time he crashes his lips into mine. His other hand moves into my hair, as he grips them while pressing his lips harder against mine. 

This kiss is nothing like the first kiss we have shared. This kiss is fierce and consuming. He is conveying so much through this kiss, that it stirs some new kind of emotions inside me. It is working as a cure to relieve the pain which is piercing my heart, yet it is evoking new feelings inside my heart.

Blocking everything, I just focus on his lips which are moving against mine relentlessly. I don't mind because I want this. Standing on my toes, I wind my arms around his neck pulling myself even closer to him if that is possible. Whatever, I am feeling is new to me. However, I know how I feel for him and I will not back down from my feelings. 

Releasing my hair, he unwraps my hand from his neck and drags it across his chest stopping above his heart. Covering my hand with his, he keeps my hand in place. Sprawling my fingers, above his heart, I feel his rapid but strong heartbeat as warmth seeps into my palm. 

Breaking the kiss, he slightly pulls back forcing me to open my eyes. 

"Do you still think that you are unloved? Or your life doesn't matter to anyone?" His hot breath fanning across my lips, while his lips brush against mine as he speaks. 

Opening his eyes, he holds my gaze. The intensity of his gaze is so powerful that I feel entranced by them. Tears prick the corner of my eyes as I slowly shake my head when I see nothing, but affection in them. 

He has let his guards down to show me his true feelings. 

"So, we will not be friends anymore?" I quietly ask him, the question which might seem stupid but it is important to me, not moving my eyes from his face.

I want to engrave this moment in my mind forever. 

"We will always remain friends first, nothing can change that, Firefly." He lightly chuckles and pecks my lips, bringing me back to him, encasing me in his warmth.

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