LAST CHAPTER :( I hope you guys like it!! and before you all freak out on me, don't worry, there is an epilogue and it will be out tomorrow as a Christmas gift from me to you !! I will also be talking a bit about book 3 tomorrow so stay tuned for that! I hope you all enjoy and be sure to comment and vote.

xxoxoxxoxoxo

Song for this chapter: Youngblood 5 Seconds of Summer

~Tweaker~

The door slammed in my face the second the words had left my mouth. I was barely able to catch a glimpse of her before all I saw was a wooden barrier that was hiding Raegan behind it. I had been waiting weeks for this. I had been experiencing an overwhelming amount of panic every time I even imagined seeing her again. I had gone through every possible scenario from the absolute worst and best, and the reality was pretty close to the end of the shitty spectrum.

She literally shut me out.

Not that I could blame her, because I had truly done my part in fucking everything up, but I had hoped that she had one more chance left for me. Then again, I had to let myself think that just to make it through every day of the last month. Rehab had been brutal—probably one of the hardest things I had ever gone through, but the one thing that had been getting me through was the possibility that at the end of the 12 step bullshit tunnel, I might just get Raegan and Jamie back.

And while I had been hesitant to even call her when I had been released last week, both Ronnie and Knox had been busting my balls about it since I got out. I had warned them that she probably needed more time and that I could probably work on myself even more before I begged for forgiveness, but our friends had other ideas in mind.

They both figured that since they were heading into Tooele for the week that it was the perfect time for me to tag along, and I just couldn't get out of it.

I warned them that it was too soon and that she'd probably spit in my face, but they insisted it had been long enough. Ronnie had a whole plan in place and I couldn't deny the fact that I missed Raegan too much to wait any longer. Knox had dropped me off on Ronnie's signal and now I was just praying that I could even get a chance to see her again.

These last few months without her were hell, but that feeling was numbed by all the drugs. After finally getting myself clean and sober again—I began to realize just how broken and miserable I was without her and Jamie in my life. It felt like I was missing a vital organ or some shit—like I had less of an ability to breath without her. I could barely sleep, or eat, or think, without missing her.

I remember that first week of withdrawal being the worst. I was irritated and angry—I wanted to nearly rip off all of my skin and scream at the top of my lungs, but the one thing that stopped me was thinking about Raegan's laugh. I imagined her laugh for hours, I imagined that after my rehab was over and I was clean again that I could wake up with her in my arms and everything would be okay. Those moments were the only thing that got me through.

But now that I was out, nothing would feel right unless I got her back. I needed her and I wasn't about to give up after everything I had gone through to get myself back to this place. So just as the door shut in my face, I was back to knocking.

I knocked harder this time, feeling it in my knuckles as I hit down against the door frame with much more intensity than the first time.

"Raegan," I yelled. "Please open the door and talk to me."

I waited for a few moments, but there was no response. I knew she heard me, but she just pretended not to. I knocked again, this time even harder, and still, she made no move to answer.

While I hadn't initially thought I would be forcing my way inside, it looked like I wouldn't be seeing her any other way. I reached for the doorknob and attempted to open the door myself, but it was locked—big surprise there.

I let out a breath, already feeling the slightest bit frustrated.

I placed my ear to the door, trying to see if I could hear if she was standing behind it, but instead, I heard the faint sound of yelling between her and Ronnie.

Raegan was pissed, and Harlow was crying, but Ronnie didn't have a chance to get any words in. I couldn't quite catch the majority of their argument, but one statement was loud and clear.

"How could you fucking do this to me?" Raegan yelled.

Ronnie mumbled something that I couldn't make out and then it sounded like something had been thrown to the ground.

The door shot open a moment later and Ronnie appeared with a crying Harlow in her arms. I didn't even get a chance to see Raegan before she slammed the door once more behind her best friend and locked it behind her.

Ronnie let out a breath, looking up at me with a pathetic amount of pity.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, placing her hand on my arm. "I thought things would go differently, but she's really fucking pissed at me."

I scoffed, figuring as much since Raegan had actually kicked Ronnie out of her house.

"Thanks for trying," I mumbled.

Ronnie nodded, a sad smile taking over her face. "You want a ride back to the clubhouse? Raegan told me to go so I think I should give her some time to cool off before I try to talk to her."

I shook my head because I didn't get this far to give up now. "I'm staying," I declared.

This wasn't the first time I had resorted to banging on Raegan's front door and begged her to speak with me, but I promised myself that if I somehow did get her to forgive me, it would be the last.

Ronnie smiled, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Don't give up on her," she said as she made her way to her car.

"Never," I called.

Ronnie wished me luck as she drove away, and I was grateful for it because I knew I sure as fuck needed it. While I knew this wasn't going to be easy, I really wished she would just give me a minute before she decided she was done with me for good.

I knocked again, and to no surprise, the door stayed shut.

I slid down to the ground and stretched my legs across her front porch as I leaned against the door. If I was gonna be here for a while I might as well make myself comfortable.

"Raegan," I began, my voice loud enough that I knew she could hear it if she was still standing behind the door.

"I know you're mad at me and that you probably want nothing to do with me, but you should know that I'm prepared to wait all night if I have to," I hollered. 

I thought that threat might work, but Raegan didn't budge. She was stubborn as fuck—but it had become one of the things I loved most about her.

"It's fine," I went on. "I'm good to sleep right here on this porch," I warned, hoping to get a reaction from her.

After ten minutes passed, I knew she was not going to break.

An hour had gone by and still nothing.

After two hours I tried the knocking thing again and still, she didn't even tell me to go away.

Three hours had gone by and the sun was beginning to set.

After four hours, my legs were numb and I was starting to freeze my ass off, but I had come this far and I wasn't ready to give up yet. I would just have to say everything I had been practicing from out here and hope that she could hear me.

"Since it looks like your not gonna even give me a chance, I guess I'll just have to tell you all of this from out here," I began.

I let out a breath, seeing it in the air for how cold it had gotten. "I have never in my life been a person who got things right. Even when I was a kid I was always a fuck up—probably why my dad bailed and why my mom still wants nothing to do with me. I always hung out with the wrong crowd, always got myself into trouble, and always found a way to fuck up my life. At the time I didn't care because I had nothing to lose. My mom kicked me out when I was seventeen, so I didn't have to worry about disappointing her anymore and I didn't have anyone else who cared enough to get mad at me when I fucked up. No one around me held me accountable for anything I did. Especially when I was using, it was like I could do no wrong. When I got clean the first time and patched into the Tribe, it was like I got even more of a pass to do whatever I wanted and get away with it too. When things started with you, I didn't realize that I had to be held accountable for my actions. I was so used to literally having someone clean up my mess if I so much as asked them to. I expected that anything I got myself into or any bad thing that happened could just go away with the snap of a finger, but I'm still learning that's not how it works with everything."

I took a breath, struggling to keep my voice even and loud when my mouth was so dry.

"It's not how it worked with Ace, and it's not how it works with you. You trusted me with so much and I fucked it up on more than one occasion. I lied to you, and I broke promises, and I didn't treat you the way I should have. You and I both know all of that. But what you don't know is that when I heard that Ace was dead, I felt so guilty, it was like I was drowning."

I sighed, feeling my throat getting choked up as I poured my heart out. Ace was still a hard subject for me, but I had talked about it enough in bullshit therapy that I knew I could get through it now.

"I was the reason Ace was at your house in the first place, so I should have regretted sending him, but I was relieved Holly got him and not you—" I said, my voicing cutting out a bit at the end.

I paused, feeling tears well up in my throat. I sucked them back, ready to go on when to my surprise, I fell back as the door opened and I landed at Raegan's feet.

As I stared up at her I felt like I was looking up at an angel.

I had almost forgotten what she looked like—how fucking beautiful she was.

I almost couldn't believe that she had let me in the house, but judging by her expression, she looked like she didn't really believe it either.

She crossed her arms over her chest and let out a breath. "The only reason I'm letting you inside is that Jamie is sleeping over next door and I don't want him to see or hear you and come running over here."

I sat up, holding up my hands. "No, I get it. I'm sorry about that."

Raegan's eyes narrowed. "Sure you are."

I let out a breath, as I stood to my feet. "I am—for everything," I elaborated.

Raegan rolled her eyes as we both stood face to face for the first time in months.

She held out her hand, as she closed the door behind me. "Well, go on."

I nodded. "Right," I said, clearing my throat. "Anyways, my guilt about Ace was eating at me and I just didn't know how to handle it. I mean, here I was— I got the girl, I got the kid and he lost everything because of me. You thought I blamed you and were walking around on eggshells and everything was just driving me crazy. I thought a drink would help, then I thought a joint would, but then it all just spiralled out of control. Nothing was working and the day of the funeral was just the last straw for me. How could I show up and honour my friend for saving your life when I was more willing to lose him than you?"

Raegan's eyes softened. "I get it. Losing Ace was hard for you, but it was hard for me too, Tweaker. I was the one who held him as he bled out in my arms, as he whispered his last words. I was the reason Holly was pissed off enough to even grab that gun and shoot it in the first place. I know you said in your letter that you didn't blame me—"

"You read my letter?" I interrupted.

I was honestly shocked. Knox had assured me that she had, but I almost didn't believe him. I knew how pissed she must have been at me and for her to read my letter that had to mean I still had a shot.

Raegan's eyes narrowed at my interruption and I held up my hands in apology. "Sorry, go on," I said.

She sighed. "You may not have blamed me, but I needed you. I couldn't get the image of his blood on my hands out of my head. Jamie was scared and didn't understand what the hell happened. Can you just imagine how hard it was to explain this all to him?"

I nodded, feeling even more guilty about all of this if that was even possible. "I'm sorry. I should have been there to help you with all of this."

Raegan shook her head. "I know you were going through your own shit because he was your best friend, but I didn't deserve to have you take it out on me when all I was trying to do was get through it just like you."

I nodded. "I know. That wasn't fair," I agreed. "And I handled it completely wrong."

Raegan shrugged. "So what?"

"I tried to make myself feel better anyway I knew how. The drinking wasn't working, and as much as you tried, every time I looked at you I just felt even more guilty. I went to the strip club that night because I needed something more—"

Raegan scoffed. "And you got that with Lola?"

I nodded. "In a way, but not the one you're thinking. Lola and I got high together, but we didn't have sex. I drank too much and I threw up all over my clothes. When you walked in, I saw the look on your face and it all just fell in place. I let you think I cheated so you would forget about me. I thought you were better off."

She rolled her eyes and let out a sarcastic laugh. "So you didn't cheat on me? You just let me believe you did?" she questioned as if the idea was ridiculous.

I nodded.

"And you think I would believe this bullshit?" she questioned.

"It's the truth," I shrugged.

"Even if I did believe you, what's different now? This is the second time that things have gotten hard and you turned to alcohol or drugs and then apologized for it after you already fucked up. It's also the second time that you almost cheated on me or actually did—I mean who the hell knows at this point? Here you are, begging me to forgive you when I'm not even sure if anything has changed."

I took a step forward. "I've changed."

Raegan tilted her head to the side. "What, because you're clean? You've been clean before and still fucked up, Tweaker. How am I supposed to believe that anything is different?"

"Well for starters, I don't go by Tweaker anymore."

Raegan's eyebrows narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Tweaker is a name that links me to my past and I don't wanna be stuck with it anymore. I want to move on from it. I don't wanna be reminded that I've fucked up more times than I can count every time someone calls my name."

"Wow," she said. "So what should I call you, Cheating Bastard?"

I let out a breath. "I didn't cheat on you, Rae. I swear to god I didn't."

Raegan shook her head. "Then why lie? Why did you tell me you didn't want me anymore and why did you leave?"

I shrugged. "I guess I just thought that I didn't deserve you. I thought that you deserved better and I was punishing myself for my feelings about Ace. I thought I deserved to be punished and the biggest punishment I could even imagine was losing you."

Raegan's eyes turned glassy, as she wrapped her arms around herself. "Did you think that I deserved to be punished too? Because the shit you said to me made me think that everything was my fault. I blamed myself for months until I got your letter."

I shook my head as I took a step forward and pulled her into my arms as she cried. It felt so amazing to touch her, but I hated that it took her succumbing to tears for her to let me hold her again.

"I didn't know that you blamed yourself," I explained. "I never wanted you to think that, but I was just so used to not having to own up to my actions. I just thought that if I ran away from them, my problems would go away. It was selfish and it was fucking stupid, but I was never trying to hurt you or Jamie."

Raegan sniffled against my chest. "Well, you did! I've been a fucking mess these last few months and Jamie has no idea what's been going on. I didn't know how to explain any of this to him in a way that didn't sound like everyone he loved had left him in one quick sweep." 

"I'm so sorry," I mumbled, placing my lips at the top of her head as I planted a soft kiss into her hair.

She shook her head and tried to pull away, but I wasn't letting her go. She looked up at me, her eyes full of tears, hurt, and utter disappointment. "You knew how big of a deal it was for me to bring you into Jamie's life. You knew that when I agreed to be exclusive with you that I was all in. You practically begged me for months to give us a shot and the minute I let my guard down you rip my heart right out of my chest."

I bit my lip, fighting tears at her words. They weren't outright mean, but the truth behind them stung like knives drawing blood on fresh skin.

"I didn't mean to," I explained. "I know it's not an excuse but I just didn't know how to deal. I've never gone through losing someone like that."

Raegan nodded, wiping away at her tears as she tried again to pull away from me. This time I let her go and she took two big steps back. I hated the distance she had put between us, but I didn't want to smother her either.

She let out a breath, crossing her arms over her chest as if she needed them to hold her together. 

I hated how broken she looked, but more than anything, I hated that I had been the one to break her.

"I want to believe you, Twea—Aaron," she corrected. "But how am I supposed to trust you again after all of this?"

I took a step forward, careful not to go too close just yet. I held out my hands, praying that she would reach out and grab them, but she just stared down at them instead. I let them fall back at my side as I cleared my throat.

"I'm clean again. I haven't had anything to drink in weeks—I haven't touched a cigarette either. I would have never been so stupid if I was in my right state of mind. I would have never gone to Bare Essentials in the first place, much less let you think that I had even considered going near Lola."

Raegan rolled her eyes at the last part of my sentence, making it clear she didn't believe me when I said I didn't cheat.

"You can call Lola and ask her, she'll tell you the same thing I did," I suggested.

This time she let out a laugh, but there was no humour in the sound. "You could tell her to agree with whatever story you wanted and she'd do it."

I shook my head. "You think I would really do that?" I asked, in dismay. "After everything we've been through together you think I would stand here and lie to you?."

Raegan threw her hands in the air. "How the hell am I supposed to know? You're clean now but how long is that gonna last? Will I get another month? A year? Maybe two before the other shoe drops? I can not go through losing you again—I won't."

I took another step forward, closing in the space between us. My hands were on Raegan's waist, holding her so close to me that our foreheads were touching. She was breathing heavily and so was I, but being this close to her felt good—it felt right.

"The Tweaker I knew wouldn't have left me and Jamie in the first place," she whispered, her breathing growing uneven.

I nodded in agreement. "You right," I said. "But the Tweaker you knew didn't understand that he wasn't fully healed yet either. Tweaker didn't know how to truly handle any strong emotions until Ace—even love," I clarified.

Raegan's face fell.

"It doesn't mean he didn't really love you, because believe me he did," I