Since it technically just turned into Monday for me, here is chapter 29 a little bit early.

I hope you enjoy. 

~Raegan~

"Jamie, turn the T.V off. It's time for bed!" I yelled as I scrambled around our tiny motel room.

He frowned but did as told and pulled himself underneath the covers of the single bed next to mine.

It had been almost three months since we had been living here, and I was about ready to give up. Not only was the whole room as big as my prior kitchen, it was sleazy, dirty, and not that cheap considering factors one to three. The one advantage it did have was that I wasn't reminded of Tweaker in every corner, or haunted by Ace's death every time I walked down the hallway. Those two factors alone were enough to keep me here for the last three months, but they were starting to lose their appeal.

I was sick of eating out or being forced to cook dinner with only a microwave. I hated the fact that I had no privacy and Jamie could hear me crying nearly every night because his bed was only steps away from mine. And I really hated that even though the place I had been living in didn't remind me of Tweaker, that I couldn't forget about him either.

For some reason, I couldn't get Josh's words from so many months ago out of my head.

 "I hope you know he's gonna fuck it up and disappoint you, Rae. He's a worthless junkie, and even if you don't want me, you deserve better than him."

While I hated him at the time for saying it, he had ultimately been right. At the same time, I couldn't just let Tweaker go either—no matter how badly he had fucked it up and disappointed me. It didn't help that I read his letter way more than I should in a day, but I just couldn't help it.

Knox had delivered it to me personally a little over a month ago, and not only had it paused any plans I had of moving to Florida, but I had also relied on it to get me through every day since.

I didn't wanna read it at first. If anything, I wanted to destroy it and never think of it again, but Tweaker had expected that. He made sure that Knox got me to read it, and even despite my protests and childish attempts to put my hands over my ears and scream when he finally resorted to reading it to me himself, I knew I could never destroy it.

I'd barely heard it as Knox read it to me for the first time, but once he had left that night I must have read it over a hundred times.

I wanted to forget him, and pretend like he and I just never happened, but his letter felt like a piece of me and I just couldn't get rid of it no matter how badly I wanted to or how many times I tried. I'd even ripped it up once, but then I found myself struggling to sleep that night as every single word haunted me anyways. I had read it so many times that I memorized it whether the letter was in front of me or not, so I spent the rest of that night taping it back together until I had every piece back to where it belonged.

I didn't know why I still cared, or how I still believed his stupid words after everything he had done, but still, I continued to read it every night before bed and wished that things had turned out another way.

I had managed to get Jamie to sleep, despite his whining and protests that he should be allowed to watch T.V for a little while longer, but I just couldn't shut my eyes. Like most nights, I pulled Tweaker's letter out from the nightstand and snuck outside onto the balcony.

The air was crisp now that the fall weather was finally in full swing, but the cold allowed me to feel something other than the numbness I had felt for the last few months. It reminded me that I was alive even though I had been feeling dead inside ever since I walked out of that strip club.

I slid down to the cold concrete floor as I pulled the letter out my pocket. It was crumpled and hanging on just by scotch tape, but the words were still clear enough to read.

Dear, Toots

I know you probably tried to burn this letter before Knox forced you to read it, or maybe you tried to rip it to shreds, but hey, you're reading it so he did something right. I know you're mad at me and probably hate my guts right now, but I can't go another day without letting you know the truth. I know you've been blaming yourself for what happened to Ace, but in reality, you should be blaming me. I was the one who should have been there to stop Holly and for that, I'll always feel guilty. I know I fucked up, and I know it isn't the first time or even the second. I always fuck up. I just can't seem to ever get it right, but with you, I know I did. Today, Knox told me that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I know he was right. Yet, I'm still sitting here writing you this letter because once again I fucked up and I'm trying to make it better. I know you've probably given up on me by now, or at least you're trying to, but there is something I need you to know before you do. I've been the one fighting for us this whole time, and I'm not about to stop now. I will fight for however long it takes. I will beat the shit out of any guy who even tries to hit on you and even if in ten years from now your engaged to some loser, I will storm into that wedding and be the one who objects because I couldn't even imagine letting you be with someone else. I know I could never love someone even half as much as I love you and I think you feel the same. So even if you're not ready to forgive me now, I'll wait until you are, even if that takes forever. It doesn't matter to me, cos as far as I'm concerned, your the only woman that I could ever love.

You probably won't hear from me for a while, but it's not because I've given up. I need to fix myself before I can fix us, but it doesn't mean that I have ever, or will ever stop loving you and Jamie. I know you two both deserve better than me and anything I could ever offer you, but I hope that when I pull myself together and become even half the guy you deserve that you'll give me another chance. I understand why you walked out because I broke promises that I swore I wouldn't, but if you still care about me at all when this letter finds you then you'll keep me in your heart long enough to give me the chance to explain everything when the drugs are out of my system and my head is clear.

I'm sorry for fucking up, I love you and I will never give up trying to make this right.

-Aaron.

I thought that after reading it enough it wouldn't bring me to tears, but his words never failed to get me to that point. Tonight was especially difficult because it was one of my last few before I left this motel.

It had felt like a shitty safe haven of sorts, but it was getting too expensive and inconvenient to take on. It was way farther away from Jamie's school then the house was, and it was beginning to feel just as miserable as the house did. Probably because the house was never really the problem, it was me. No matter where I moved, or where I went, the pain of losing Tweaker and the memories of us two would follow me.

His letter didn't explain a lot, but it was enough for me to keep holding onto hope—misguided hope? Maybe. But even if I actually tried to forget about Tweaker, I knew from experience that I wasn't there yet. I was still pissed, and kind of hated him in a way, but I hadn't let him go yet and that was the problem.

He warned me that I wouldn't hear from him for a while, but I assumed it would only be a week or two before he was banging on my door and demanding that I forgive him. Instead, it had been over a month since I received the letter and almost three months since we had last spoken, and still, I had heard nothing from him.

Part of me worried, but the other part of me thought I was better off.

Ronnie had tried telling me how he was doing and tried to convince me to call him, but I just wouldn't have it.

Was I completely fucking miserable without him? Yes.

Did I miss him more and more every day? Yes.

But did I for one second forget all the shit that he had done that got us to this place? Hell fucking no.

He said he didn't blame me for Ace's death, but he treated me like dirt from the second he got to the hospital. He promised me he would cut out the drinking and the weed and had instead escalated to a full-on relapse only after cheating on me with a stripper.

The worst part about this all was that it wasn't the first time.

This was how Tweaker operated. The second things got hard he turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with it, and because he couldn't control himself it often led him to fuck up. He'd apologize, swear he would clean up his act and never do it again, but this was already the second time I'd gone through something like this with him. And no matter how badly I wanted to believe that he could change for good and that I could trust him not to hurt me again, he hadn't contacted me since he'd been out of rehab and I knew he was out because Ronnie had told me so herself. So while his letter said everything I wanted to hear when I was crying myself to sleep every night since he had gone back to Arizona, it also said his word didn't mean shit.

As I went to sleep that night, I repeated this to myself in preparation for the coming week. Ronnie was visiting with Harlow in a couple of days, and I already knew I had to keep reminding myself of this before she got here and tried to convince me otherwise.

_______________________________

Moving everything back into the house from the motel had been a bitch, but I felt surprisingly relieved to be back in there. Jamie was excited to have his room back—despite the traumatic event that had occurred just outside his door. I'd since had workers come and replace all the flooring and repaint the walls where Ace's blood had once stained, but I couldn't forget as easily as Jamie did. Thankfully, he didn't complain too much while we lived at the hotel—mostly because they had an indoor pool and he felt like it was a mini vacation, but I could tell that he was happier to be back here.

While it wasn't as bad as I thought to be back here, I was still adamant that we would be moving. Maybe not all the way to Flordia, but definitely out of this house. Ronnie was coming down to see places with me, but she was nearly an hour late.

I had been texting her for the last forty-five minutes, but she had only responded once.

RONNIE: Sorry! Something came up but I'll be there soon.

Thirty-five minutes later a knock on the door brought me to my feet in a haste. I practically ran from the living room to the front door and threw it open in my excitement.

I hadn't seen my best friend in months since I refused to go back to Arizona, and she was adjusting to being pregnant again and taking care of Harlow.

But finally, there she was, standing outside of my front door with Harlow in her arms. I pulled her into a tight hug, careful not to crush Harlow between us.

"Finally!" I said, feeling on the verge of tears.

These last few months were made even harder by the fact that I didn't have Ronnie by my side to deal with it all. Usually, I might just turn to Loraine, but she and I hadn't spoken since the day of Ace's funeral. I tried to call her once, but she never picked up or called back, so things between us were pretty rocky, to say the least.

"Why does it feel like it's been five years since I've seen you instead of five weeks?" Ronnie questioned.

I let out a laugh as I wiped away a stray tear.

"Probably because the last five weeks have been even more shitty than the last few months," I deadpanned.

Ronnie frowned, shifting a wiggling Harlow on her hip. As she did so, I noticed a sizeable baby bump that wasn't there last time, or at least I hadn't noticed it. The last time we had seen each other was when she and Knox came down to give me Tweaker's letter, and it hadn't exactly gone over well. I was a little bit thrown by the whole situation, so even if Ronnie had been showing then, I probably wouldn't have noticed.

"Wow," I said, looking down at her round belly. "You're already showing?"

Ronnie let out a laugh as I let her inside and shut the door behind her. "I know, I'm huge already right? With Harlow, I didn't start showing until like six months. Only four months with this one and I'm a beluga whale."

I scoffed and shook my head. "No, you're not," I confirmed. "I guess I just didn't notice it at all the last time."

Ronnie nodded in understanding. "Well, you had a lot going on."

I nodded my head in agreement because that was an understatement.

"Come sit," I said, leading her and Harlow into the living room. "I've been looking at places online and I found a few that have open houses today. Jamie's playing with the kids next door so we have the whole day to find us a new place."

Ronnie's face paled and an expression that I couldn't discern took over her features.

"Sure," she mumbled. "Sounds good."

_________________________________

"No, that one is too old. You'll have shit falling apart on you in a matter of days," Ronnie said, pointing to what was probably the hundredth place I had shown her.

We had been sitting in my living room for over an hour while Ronnie shot down every single apartment, house, and condo that I pulled up.

"Okay, what's with you?" I asked.

She had been acting weird since she got here, and it wasn't like her to nitpick and point out the flaws in things like she had been doing. Not to mention she had been checking her phone nearly every minute and texting away on that thing like some undercover agent or some shit.

A guilty expression took over her face. "What do you mean?" she asked.

My eyes narrowed because something was going on here. "Every time I find a place I like you shoot it down. It's almost like you don't want me to leave the house or something."

Ronnie shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about?" she said, as she bounced Harlow in her lap.

Her phone buzzed a moment later, and she held it only inches away from her as she typed away.

"And who the hell are you texting so secretively? What's going on here?"

A ghost of a smile appeared on Ronnie's lips as she typed her response.

"Sorry, it's just Knox. I forgot Harlow's favourite toy at the clubhouse."

A knock at the door sounded a moment later.

"That's him," Ronnie said, her face lighting up in a smile. "Do you mind getting that while I change her?"

"I guess," I said, but I wasn't so convinced that was what was actually going on here.

I got to my feet anyway, figuring that I would get it out of her once Knox left.

To my surprise, Ronnie had other plans for me.

When I opened the door it wasn't Knox standing behind it.

It was the last person I wanted to see.

The last person I expected to show up on more doorstep today.

It was Tweaker.

"Hi, Toots," he said lowly.

I swear it felt like my whole world was crumbling. Everything I had done to keep myself together these last few months had completely fallen away as he stood before me.

It had been months—actual months since I had seen or spoken to him. It almost began to feel like he was just a figment of my imagination, but when every bit of pain he caused me resurfaced as I looked into his eyes, I remembered every reason why I said I'd never forgive him and I slammed the door shut behind me.

GUYS!! There is only one chapter left !! (and an epilogue of course) I'm once again feeling a mix of emotions as I usually do when I get close to finishing up a book. I'm excited for you all to read how Raegan and Tweaker's story comes to a close, but I'm sad to say goodbye to them at the same time. Let me know what you think about this chapter in the comments and be sure to vote as well!!

As always thank you for reading. 

xoxoxo