Chapter 28: Blame

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I hope you enjoy reading!!! I highly recommend the song for this chapter it will give you ALL the feels. Be sure to follow me on Instagram @slowridebook and also be sure to comment and vote !!

Song for this chapter: Ghost Of You by 5 Seconds of Summer

~Tweaker~

Six weeks later...

One of the worst feelings in the world was the come down from a good high. I barely remembered what it was like until the fateful night six weeks ago when I decided to use again and take Lola up on sampling some of the Tribe's very own blow. While it was never my drug of choice, I had heard countless times from our many customers that we had the right connections because our shit was some of the best. God bless our friends in Colombia because they were doing something right.

The only downside was coming down from it, which I experienced every morning for the last month and a half. This morning was particularly fucking terrible since the loud banging on the Ass Attic door woke me from my damn near dead sleep.

I'd gone back to Tucson after my fight with Raegan and hadn't heard from her since. I knew her threat was real at that moment, but I honestly thought she would have at least called by now. Then again, she had warned me that we would be done the second I started using again, and she thought I had cheated on her with a stripper, so I didn't blame her for going radio silent on me, but it didn't make it suck any fucking less.

The minute I felt even a trace of that pain resurfacing, or even thought of Ace for just a second, was the same minute I usually snorted the pain completely away. While meth made me feel like there was a burning hate inside of me that wanted to destroy everything and everyone around me, coke made me feel like I was on top of the world until the euphoria wore off that was, then I just felt completely fucking alone and isolated. But it was mornings like these where I woke up with a headache so bad it felt like a jackhammer going off behind my eyes as the high wore off and when reality started to creep its way in that were the worst.

Every good memory with Raegan, as well as every bad one hit me in the face like a bitch slap. It made me feel nearly sick, and yet, I let it go on every day since she walked out the door. The only thing that made it the slightest bit better was when I had someone to wake up to that I could pretend, even if it was just for a second was Raegan. For the last week, it had been this tall brunette with the bluest eyes I had ever seen. I didn't even know her name—although I'm sure she must have told me at some point, but she was cool with just about anything and she served as a perfect distraction for at least a few hours a day.

We had taken up residence in the Ass Attic for longer than I cared to remember and spent our days getting high, getting drunk, crashing, and then doing it all over again.

No one dared to bother me up here any other night, but as I stared at Blue Eyes tossing around in her sleep at the loud banging, I knew my luck had run out and my giving-no-fucks time had also run out.

I forced myself out of bed, not even caring that all I was wearing was a pair of boxers. I fumbled with the doorknob for a few moments as I struggled to unlock it and finally got the door open after my third attempt.

Knox was standing behind it, more pissed than I had ever seen him. He had been letting my new way of life fly since we got back, but it was obvious when I had seen him last, which must have been a few days ago by now, that his patience was starting to wear thin. Now that he was standing outside the door with his arms crossed over his chest and looking like he was about ready to wring my neck, I knew for sure that he was about to give me a speech I really didn't wanna fucking hear.

"It's about fucking time!" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. "I've been banging for the last thirty minutes. I thought you were dead in there you piece of shit. I was about to break the damn door down!"

I scratched my head as I struggled to keep in a laugh because I hadn't heard a thing up until a few minutes ago.

"Sorry, bro," I mumbled. "You need something?" I asked.

Knox's eyes narrowed. "Are fucking kidding me right now?"

I shrugged. "You're knocking on my door."

Knox let out a breath, forcing his way past me so he could step further into the attic. When he did, the collection of beer bottles, empty baggies, and the coke spoon that Lola had given me before I left Tooele came into perfect view. The room slightly resembled Canada after a snowstorm, but that wasn't what Knox was focused on. His eyes narrowed in on the sleeping chick in the bed next to me and when he turned to face me, there was both disappointment and anger in his eyes.

"What the fuck man?" he asked, almost as if I had betrayed him in a way.

I shrugged. "What? We didn't have sex," I said, holding up my hands.

Knox's eyes narrowed as if he didn't believe one word.

"Okay, we tried once, but I had a serious case of coke dick so nothing happened," I joked.

He shook his head, running his hands through his hair as he took in the state of the room for the first time.

"Jesus Christ, Tweak. What the fuck are you doing?" he asked, plopping down on the armchair in the corner. "Get her the fuck out of here, now," he demanded, gesturing to a still sleeping Blue Eyes.

I snorted, knowing from my experience in the last week that trying to wake her up was like trying to wake the dead. "She won't be up for hours," I said, waving him off.

Knox crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't really give a shit if she's coherent or not, I want her out."

I rolled my eyes but complied with his request. I nudged Blue Eyes in the arm, but she barely moved. I looked at Knox and shrugged, but he wasn't having it. I used my index finger to poke her forehead and still nothing. I then resulted in mild shaking, but it wasn't until I yelled "Wake up!" did her eyes finally flutter open.

"Ugh," she groaned, covering her ears. "What's with the volume?"

"Get the fuck out!" Knox demanded, losing his patience.

Blue Eyes jumped when she realized Knox was in the room and shot to her feet at his request. She was barely concerned with the fact that she was dressed in only a bra and underwear, and made no effort to get dressed before dashing out the door.

"Hey, Kristen," Knox called before she practically ran off.

Kristen—so that was her name.

She turned back slowly, fear in her eyes as she met Knox's gaze.

"Y-yeah?" she stammered.

"Stay the fuck away from the clubhouse, you got it?" Knox asked.

She nodded, tears filling her eyes.

"Good," he relented. "Now shut the door."

Kristen did as told, closing the door behind her without even hesitating.

Damn. Guess I wouldn't be seeing her tonight.

"You didn't have to ban the poor girl, shit," I said, plopping down on the bed as I lit up a cigarette.

For a few moments, Knox stared at me, almost as if he was in shock that what he was seeing was real life.

"The girl is not the problem. You're the fucking problem—at least this version of you," Knox said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

I rolled my eyes. "And why's that?" I questioned, putting my cigarette out in the ashtray next to the bed. "I'm not hurting anyone but myself."

Knox scoffed. "What about Raegan and Jamie? You don't think this shit hurts them?"

At the mention of their names, I felt the pit in my stomach grow twice as big. Most days I could go hours without thinking about them, but hearing their names out loud made me nearly want to vomit.

"Shut up," I warned.

Knox shook his head. "Why? Too much for you to hear the truth and face the consequences of your actions? Guess what Tweak, you're gonna have to do it at some point before you snort your life away for good."

"Stop," I warned again, but Knox kept going.

"Raegan was the best thing that ever fucking happened to you and you just threw it all away for what? So you could get high every night with a different whore next to you?"

"Knox," I said, slowly, because I could not take one more word.

"Ace died to protect them and your shitting on his grave by letting his sacrifice go to waste."

At the mention of Ace, I lost it.

I didn't even know what I was doing, but my legs were guiding me as I charged at Knox with outstretched fists. I couldn't explain why, but there was an anger in me that wanted to use every bit of my energy to beat Knox to the ground.

I only got one weak punch in before he got the upper hand and he had me pinned to the ground with my hands over my head.

"What the fuck is wrong with you man?" Knox screamed. "You're trying to hit me?" he asked, almost as if he didn't believe it.

"Don't you fucking talk about Ace!" I yelled.

Knox shook his head. "He's gone, Tweak. You gotta move past this."

I was struggling to get free of his hold, but Knox looked like he was barely trying.

I guess consuming only beer and coke made me a weak fucker because even though I tried, I couldn't get myself free for the life of me.

"It should have been me!" I yelled.

Knox's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Holly should have killed me," I whispered, no longer bothering to fight Knox's hold.

He let go of me, letting me drop to the ground. Knox took a seat back on the chair above me and let out a breath. "Holly had no business shooting at anyone, but it's not your fault that Ace is dead—it's hers."

I shook my head. "I called Ace to go there cos I couldn't get away to help Rae pack. I wanted her to move to Tucson with Jamie. It was all me."

Knox sighed. "That doesn't mean you asked for Ace to die. Ace knew what he was doing when he jumped in front of that bullet. He knew that you trusted him enough to be there for Rae when you couldn't be and he was making sure that nothing happened to her. I would have done the same thing had I been there, and I know you would too if it was Ronnie and Harlow."

I nodded my head, knowing without a doubt that I would jump in front of anything that threatened Ronnie or Harlow's safety, but that didn't make me feel any better.

"But if I didn't ask him to go there, Holly wouldn't have had a gun and no one would have got hurt!" I yelled.

Knox shook his head. "You don't know that. If Holly was out to hurt Rae, she could have gotten a knife from the kitchen or threw another lamp at her head, and then what? No one would have been there to help her. Holly could have killed her, and took Jamie."

I felt sick at the thought, but those were just hypotheticals and it didn't change the truth of what happened. As much as I tried to fight these thoughts, I couldn't hold them in anymore. They were eating me alive, they were burning in my veins and I had to say them out loud just to get them out of me for some kind of relief.

"That's just it," I said, feeling my throat close up. "If Ace hadn't been there, Holly could have hurt Raegan more," I began.

"Exactly," Knox said, nodding his head in agreement.

"But I'm glad he was there. I was relieved it wasn't Raegan or Jamie on the other end of that bullet," I admitted.

Knox's eyes softened.

"How fucked up does that make me? What kind of brotherhood am I in if I was more willing to lose my brother over the woman I love? Ace was there for me through everything. He was half the reason I got clean and joined the Tribe in the first place. He was the one who got me Raegan's number when I wanted to see her again. But when Raegan called me that night, I was happy that she was okay."

"Tweak—" Knox interjected. "You love Raegan and Jamie, of course you were happy that nothing happened to them."

I shook my head. "That's not fucking normal. I was the reason he got killed and I was glad about it too. It was my job to protect Raegan and Jamie. Mine!" I yelled. "Instead, I made him do it and he got killed for it."

Knox held up his hand. "You didn't know that was gonna happen. It's not like you planned his death or deliberately chose Raegan over Ace. It's how it played out—and yeah, it fucking sucks that Ace is gone, but you need to stop using that as an excuse. He died to protect the woman you love and you just threw her away like a piece of trash."

"Rae deserves better."

Knox snorted. "Yeah, so does Ronnie. Doesn't mean I'll ever let her go."

I pinched my nose between two fingers to try and release the tension there because it was beginning to feel like someone had rubbed the inside of my nostrils with sandpaper. "I'm too fucked up for her," I mumbled. "I made her promises that I couldn't keep and she walked out the door."

"Well yeah, you cheated on her. I think that gives her a pretty good reason to bail, don't you?"

I shook my head. "I didn't cheat."

Knox rolled his eyes. "It's me here, Tweak. You don't gotta lie."

"I'm not," I assured, holding up my hands. "Rae walked in on me half naked in a bed and assumed I cheated."

Knox's eyes narrowed. "But you didn't?"

I shook my head. "I was really wasted and Lola took me to the back room to calm me down. I ended up throwing up all over myself and she helped me get out of my clothes. After that, we did a couple of lines and just talked. When Raegan came in I let her think that because I knew she wouldn't stop trying to make me better."

Knox let out a breath. "Wow. So all this time you've been letting her think you cheated?"

I nodded. "But it doesn't matter. I told her I didn't wanna be with her anymore—she's probably moved on by now. It's what's best for her anyway."

He snorted, clearly finding some part of my deepest pain amusing.

"If you think she's moved on in even the slightest, that coke has fucked you up even more than I thought."

My eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

Knox rolled his eyes. "She's been hysterical ever since that night. She thinks that you blame her and that you hate her or some shit. She's convinced that's why you cheated."

I felt my heart break a little that I put that on her because I didn't blame her one bit—I blamed myself.

"She can't actually believe that."

"She does," he confirmed. "It didn't help that Rain basically told her it was her fault."

"She did?" I asked, feeling rage grow towards Loraine for even suggesting the idea.

He let out a breath as he nodded in confirmation. "She won't even go into the house anymore. Ronnie said that she and Jamie have been camped out in a motel ever since you left, but I think I heard they're moving to Flordia for a while."

"Flordia?" I questioned, my eyes narrowing.

"Yeah," Knox nodded. "I think Rae's mom and boyfriend live there. She and Jamie are gonna go stay with them for a while until she gets back on her feet."

Florida might as well have been across the fucking universe from Tucson. It was hard enough seeing her when we lived a driveable distance away, I couldn't imagine what it would be like if she actually moved to Flordia.

"She can't move to Flordia," I mumbled.

Knox's eyes had a glint in them now, almost as if he was a proud father. "That's my boy," he said.

"Gimme your phone," I said, holding out my hand. "I need to call her."

Knox shook his head. "There's no way in fucking hell she'll even talk to you until you're clean."

I narrowed my eyes. "She'll talk to me. She has to," I said, but still Knox didn't budge.

"You need to clean yourself up and fix you before you even go near Raegan. She is a mess and I think some time away for both of you will be good. But you need to get your ass in rehab because I will not have another fucking day of you on drugs."

If it was not to get Raegan back, it had to be for me. I knew I couldn't go on like this forever. I knew I needed help, and I knew now was the time to get it.

I nodded, although I was aware of how fucking rough this was gonna be to kick an addiction for the second time.

"The place that Twitch went to has an opening. They can take you as early as today."

I let out a breath, knowing as much as I didn't want to, and could probably figure out a way to do this myself, that this was the best and fastest way to ensure I would get better and get back to Rae and Jamie.

"Okay," I agreed. "On one condition."

Knox shrugged. "What?"

"If I write a letter to Rae, will you promise me to get it to her as soon as possible and make sure she reads it?"

A ghost of a smile appeared on Knox's lips. "Yeah, man, of course, I will."

I knew how these programs worked. No contact was allowed for at least the first week and now that I was finally seeing the light about all of this, I needed to make sure Rae knew the truth about how I felt and about everything that went down.

"Okay, then I'll be ready in an hour. I just need a pen and some paper."

Knox nodded. "I'll get some for you," he said, as he approached the door. Just before he walked out he turned around to look at me once more. "Just so you know, I think I'd feel the same way if one of you had taken a bullet for Ronnie and died for it. Don't beat yourself up over it, bro. It doesn't mean you didn't love Ace or appreciate what he did for you."

I nodded, feeling for the first time that he was right.

If I could go back and change it, I would have taken the bullet for Raegan in a heartbeat, but things just didn't play out that way. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't take back what Holly had done, but what I could do was make sure that I made Ace's death mean something.

_______________________________

When Knox brought me the paper and pen, it was like the words came flowing right out of me. All of the sudden my thoughts went from hazy to clear, and everything made sense. I knew what I had to do. I had to get Raegan back, and I was willing to do just about anything to do it, and so when my pen hit paper, it was like I couldn't stop.

Dear, Toots

I know you probably tried to burn this letter before Knox forced you to read it, or maybe you tried to rip it to shreds, but hey, you're reading it so he did something right. I know you're mad at me and probably hate my guts right now, but I can't go another day without letting you know the truth...


To be continued...

xoxoxox

-Mary

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