Chapter 26: Coping

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A day early cos I was just too anxious to wait :O I hope you all don't hate me for this xoxoxoxo

~Tweaker~

17 missed calls from anyone was never a good sign, but 17 missed calls from the woman you loved meant something was really fucking wrong.

My fingers were shaking as I hit redial on Raegan's number because I was already thinking the worst. With the kind of life I led and with the number of enemies I had,  anything could go wrong and end up impacting Raegan. I had seen it happen already with Ronnie and Loraine, and I was not prepared to have anything happen to my Toots because of me.

The line only rang once before I heard it click and she picked up.

"Tweaker," she mumbled, her tone full of panic. I could hear the tears in her voice and the sobbing in her chest.

"What's wrong?" I asked instantly, feeling my heart practically beating out of my chest. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Raegan sobbed into the phone, her tears overcoming her ability to speak.

It was then that I felt like my body was draining of oxygen. I couldn't breathe. It felt like my throat was burning and as if I was gasping for air.

Something really fucking bad must have happened.

"Rae!" I urged.

She whimpered, sucking back her tears as she cleared her throat.

"It happened so fast," she mumbled. "I didn't even see her grab the gun—I didn't know she was gonna do that but then he was bleeding. Oh God!" she cried. "There was so much fucking blood, Tweak. I'm sorry," she rambled. "I'm so, so sorry."

I could barely make out her words. They were strung together in pieces as if I was only reading every other word of a story, but what I did make out was that someone had a gun and someone else was shot by that gun. At the thought, I felt sick.

"Hold on a second," I urged. "Who was bleeding? What happened, baby?"

I prayed to God it wasn't Jamie.

Raegan hiccuped, cries still impacting her ability to speak coherently. After what felt like an eternity of her taking deep breaths, her sobbing stopped, and all I heard was her heavy breathing.

"Rae," I whispered. "Talk to me. I'm freaking the fuck out here," I said, holding my hand to my racing heart.

"Holly broke into the house and tried to take Jamie," she finally managed.

I felt a fire ignite in me at her words, and I never wanted to harm a woman more in my life.

"Is he okay?" I asked instantly, knowing I would sure as fuck be dealing with Holly later.

"Yes," Raegan cried. "But Ace isn't."

Every bit Raegan had rambled about had begun to make sense.

_________________________________

Trying to explain this all to Knox was beyond difficult. He was half asleep when he answered the phone and barely understood what I was saying for how fast I was talking.

I had been on the phone with Mick for a couple of hours, trying to figure out just how serious Ace's condition was before I woke up Knox. I couldn't get much out of Rae—mostly because she was too hysterical to even explain the situation properly. Mick had straightened a few things out, but one thing that was very up in the air was whether Ace was gonna make it or not.

I felt my stomach clench when Mick had told me the doctors said all they could do was their best.

I knew from experience, "their best" meant that it was a long shot and just the thought made me nauseous.

Knox was fully awake the second he heard the words "we need to go to Tooele now" and he was already looking for flights on his phone.

The first one out wasn't until 7 a.m, but it was already past midnight, and waiting until morning was faster than driving, even though the waiting was driving me fucking crazy.

I paced around my house, desperate for sleep, but unable to shut my eyes without worrying about Ace, hating Holly, and feeling guilty for leaving Raegan alone while all of this shit went down.

Mick said she and Jamie were a mess when they got to the hospital and I wanted nothing more than to hold them both in my arms and tell them everything was gonna be okay. But the longer I stayed awake, the longer I considered all the ways this could go wrong.

It felt like time was going twice as slow until I finally started to see the sun come up, and saw Knox's text that he was on his way to pick me up for the airport.

Knox and I didn't speak the entire plane ride to Utah. It was only two hours, but it felt like an eternity. Both of us were anxious to touch down in Salt Lake, and for everything to be okay when we got to the hospital.

The last we heard, Ace was stable but not out of the woods, so as long as he stayed that way until he recovered, everything was gonna be just fine. I made sure to tell Mick to text us if there were any changes and even paid for airplane wifi just so I could be informed of his condition at all times. What a fucking waste that was cos I never got one damn text the whole flight.

There was still no update when we landed, and even as we drove the hour-long distance from the airport to the hospital, everything had seemed to remain the same.

That made me calm in a sense, knowing that most times, no news usually meant good news.

It still didn't stop my hands from shaking just slightly, or the burning itch I had for a strong shot of something and a hit of a joint to calm my nerves—not only for Ace but for Raegan and Jamie too. I knew both of them were okay, but they had witnessed something pretty fucking traumatic and I knew that was bound to mess with them.

Knox and I headed straight to the elevators, already knowing from Mick where they were all waiting to hear about Ace. Knox clicked the button to the third floor, and as he did, a bad feeling overcame me. I couldn't explain it, or understand it even, but I was beginning to think that the lack of updates meant something went very fucking wrong. Knox seemed to feel it too, as he looked up at me with a fear in his eyes.

The elevator chimed when we reached the third floor and we both stepped out hesitantly, knowing that there was a great possibility that once we walked onto this floor, there was a chance that when we left, things would never be the same.

We followed the hallway down to the last room, and when I took in the sight before me, I knew my intuition was right.

Loraine was hysterically crying in Tawny's arms, while Mick tried to comfort them both. Raegan was plopped down on the ground, face in her hands as her body trembled with tears.

Knox and I both looked at each other as if to prepare for the worst.

I practically bolted down the rest of the hallway, running straight to Raegan and collapsing to the ground next to her. I took her into my arms as I tilted her face up by her chin to meet my gaze. Her eyes were bloodshot red, and purple underneath as if she hadn't slept for days.

"Tweaker," she cried, falling into my arms.

I pulled her closer, running my hands through her hair. "I'm here now, baby."

Raegan shook her head against me. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Loraine's screams had gotten louder now, and when I turned to face her and saw the completely devastated look in her eyes, I just knew.

"What happened?" I asked.

Raegan bit her lip as she fought her tears and shook her head. "He was stable but then there were some complications."

I shook my head, not ready to accept this.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "What kind of complications?"

Raegan's eyes filled with more tears, and she shrugged, so speechless she couldn't even say the words.

"Where is he, Raegan?" I pressed.

She let out a breath and swallowed back her cries. "They rushed him into surgery, but he didn't make it. He's gone," she whispered.

My whole world spun on its axis.

Ace—the guy who had been like a brother to me since I could remember was dead.

____________________________________

1 week later...

I heard the faint sounds of someone knocking on the bathroom door, but I didn't care enough to ask who it was or to answer it.

It felt like I had been sitting in here for days, but in reality, I had passed out in here after throwing up only last night.

Today was Ace's funeral, and I just couldn't fucking face everyone, not after being the reason he was dead in the first place. Instead, I planned on downing the bottle of Jack I hadn't been able to finish last night, and getting so high that I couldn't remember my own name.

I heard the knocking again, but this time it was stronger.

"Tweak?" Raegan's muffled voice rang from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?"

I didn't answer, only took a toke of the joint in between my fingers and ignored her.

The door shot open just as I released a puff of smoke from my mouth, and Raegan placed her hand on her hip as she took in the sight before her.

Our little deal about me not smoking weed ended about the same time I found out my friend was dead. Rae didn't bitch about it—surprisingly, but I didn't miss the displeased expression on her face every time she had seen me light up in the last week. She got especially judgy about it when I did it in her house—hence why I had resorted to smoking in the bathroom like I was hotboxing a car in high school and hiding the bottle of Jack behind the toilet paper holder.

Raegan slid down to the ground next to me, her back leaning against the bathtub as she outstretched her legs. She was dressed in a dark navy dress, her hair pulled out of her face, and her makeup was heavy in an attempt to hide the bags under her eyes.

The bottle of half-empty Jack hiding in the corner caught her attention, and she pulled it out and placed it between us.

"We have to leave soon," she mumbled, placing her hand on my knee.

I was still in my boxers with last nights whiskey still on my breath, even though Raegan had warned me hours ago that I had to be ready by noon. 

I shook my head. "I'm not going," I mumbled, in between taking another toke.

"What do you mean you're not going?" she questioned.

I let out a puff of smoke, not even bothering to look at her or answer. I shrugged, figuring that was enough to suffice, but Raegan wasn't having it. She tilted my face up, forcing me to meet her gaze, and her eyes were still glassy like they had been since I had gotten back to Utah.

"This is your last chance to say goodbye to Ace. We have to be there," she insisted.

I shook my head. "No one wants me there."

Her eyes narrowed.  "What are you talking about? The guys are waiting at the clubhouse for you."

I shrugged. "Tell them to go without me."

Raegan let a tear slip as she bit her lip. "Tweaker," she began, her voice already growing uneven. "You're really starting to scare me. You've barely spoken to me all week, you haven't left the house, and you've been getting high all day and drinking all night."

"What's your point?" I questioned.

Raegan shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I wonder if you think hiding bottles of whiskey in the bathroom while you're getting high is the best way to cope with all of this?"

At her words, I felt rage. Who the fuck was she to tell me how I should be coping?

"My best friend fucking died, Raegan! I don't give a shit if this is the best way to handle things. He's dead because of me! I can't sleep without thinking that he was here because I asked him to be. He got shot because he was protecting you!" I yelled.

The anger I had towards myself had been building up all week. From the moment I heard that Ace wasn't making it out of that operating room, I had blamed myself—because it was my fault. I had sent him to help Raegan pack. He would have never even been in Raegan's house if it wasn't for me.

I hated myself. I couldn't even look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. Beyond that, I had an anger in me I don't think I'd ever experienced, and no amount of alcohol or weed could lessen it.

"Tweaker, please," Raegan begged, trying to take my hand in hers.

I pulled away instead, grabbing a hold of the bottle of alcohol that had failed at solving my problems and threw it against the wall.

Raegan screamed as it crashed into a million pieces, the dark liquid covering the surface of the bathroom tile. Her eyes flickered from the wall to me, and a look of pure horror overcome her face at my actions. She scooted backward, putting some distance between us as she took several deep breaths.

"I'm so sorry that Ace is dead because that bullet was meant for me. If this is anyone's fault it's mine, and I understand if you hate me, but you shouldn't miss his funeral. I'll stay back, you should go."

I shook my head because she really didn't fucking get it at all.

"I'm not going to the damn funeral!" I raged. "Now get the fuck out of here and leave me the hell alone!"

Raegan jumped at how loud I screamed but made no further move to fight me on this. She got to her feet without another word, shut the door softly behind her and left. I heard the front door close a few moments later and heard her car start shortly after that.

I waited a few minutes until I knew she was gone for good and then I broke down.

I cried like a fucking baby. I couldn't control how loudly I was screaming as the tears streamed down my face. One of my best friends, since I was a kid, was dead because of me. He was doing me a favour and protecting my girl—the job I should have been doing myself and he got killed for it. I was the reason he was dead. I was the reason Loraine had lost the love of her life. I was the reason Ace would never get to have kids or grow old, and the worst part of it all was, I felt relieved that Holly had shot him and not Raegan.

How fucking sick did that make me?

How could I face everyone at his funeral when I had thoughts like this? How could I stand up there and mourn my friend with the rest of my brothers when I was more comfortable with the fact that he was the one we had to burry and not the woman I loved?

Losing Ace felt like fucking hell, but I couldn't even imagine what losing Raegan would have felt like. With this in mind, there was no way in hell I could force myself to Ace's funeral. I was a disgusting, pathetic excuse of a friend, and he deserved a hell of a lot better for his final goodbye.

Instead, I sat on Raegan's bathroom floor and I cried until my eyes had run out of tears.

It made me feel better for only a while, but when the effects of the weed had faded, and my tears offered no more hope of escape, I knew I needed something stronger—and I knew exactly what I needed to do numb all this pain.

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