F O U R T E E N

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 AJ slid down her hip and onto the ground when they emerged from the bus near their apartment. Her back was aching from carrying him for the second half of their trip when he got fussy. Though it would take his little feet longer to reach their building a few blocks away it was worth it to have some relief. Besides, the slow walk would give her a chance to torture herself. Obsessing over the details of her latest encounter with Aiden. It was a ritual of hers to inspect every interaction in excruciating detail. Pick apart things she saw. Things he said. He wanted to talk. Sid wondered what he could want to talk about as she walked along, matching AJ's slow pace until they reached their building.

As always with parenting though, the joke was on Sid. Suddenly, as they entered the walkway to their apartment complex AJ took off in a full run. The burst of movement caught Sid off guard and he was quite a ways ahead of her before her instincts kicked in and she ran after him. AJ thought this was a fun pursuit and took off even faster, his blanket flapping in his hand, he laughed and looked behind him to see her gaining on him. As he reached the door to their building, his curly hair bouncing in the wind, he ran full-on into Phil who managed to catch AJ's little body as he bounced off his legs and almost careened to the floor. He scooped him up instead, gave him a big whirl, and settled him back onto the ground. Sid finally reached them, out of breath, and panting like a dog.

"You got a little track star here." Phil laughed. Sid tried to catch her breath but it was useless. She was out of shape and was bent over, with her forearm pressed against the bricks.

"Are you trying to kill mommy, my sweet little boy?" Sid heaved out through gasps for air.

"Mamama!" Was all AJ shouted but Sid suspected that it was him affirming that her death was his only goal. He was trying to rid himself of the dead weight one way or another. A misplaced toy on the floor or a dart down a walkway and his underwhelming mom would be out for the count.

"That sounded like a yes," Phil said laughing. Sid threw him an alarmed look at him. Had he peeked inside her head and read her thoughts or had he just picked up on her overall shitty aura?

"No...he loves me," Sid said insecurely while holding out a hand to AJ, begging him to come toward her and show her love in public. Prove Phil wrong. But AJ just stayed near Phil, leaning against his legs and watching her struggle to breathe.

"Of course he does. You alright?"

"Yes, how's your evening going?" Sid forced her body to stand upright and held her breath to stop her chest from rising and falling so dramatically.

"Slow. The opps are circling." Phil threw his chin out toward the street where, sure enough, an unmarked car with two older white men in the front seats trying to look chill was easing by slowly. Inconspicuous, it was not.

"Sorry," Sid said awkwardly. Empathizing with a drug dealer for not being able to sell his drugs to their neighbors while her son curled against his legs. The whole thing was bizarre and she needed to get away from it. She scooped up AJ and finally allowed herself to breathe normally again. She shot Phil a smile and beelined it to the front door.

"Umm, you doing anything tonight?" He asked.

"Yes. Mothering."

"Oh, yeah. Well I'm free if you happen to become free. Like I said, I had mad fun with you before." There he was again. Just saying things. Letting them flow out of his mouth like they weren't little missiles of vulnerability that, in the wrong hands, could be used against him. To embarrass. To hurt. To betray. It was pretty stupid.

"I'll call you." Sid tossed over her shoulder before she ducked inside with AJ. The elevator, by some stroke of luck was working and empty. Once the doors clattered closed and the ascent began she crouched down to AJ.

"You love me...right?" She asked. Searching his little face for affirmation. He leaned in close to her and kissed her nose.

"Love." He said.

Sid coaxed tears back in and stood, nodding. I knew it, she thought. The elevator bounced to a stop at their floor and they exited. AJ was dragging his blanket along the dirty tiled floor of the hallway. That blanket was gross. She was sure that in a pinch the military could use it to launch a biological attack on a small country. Sid cringed.

"AJ, baby, please pick th--" Sid's words were stolen from her mouth as she reached their front door. White papers were taped to the pale gray paint. She glanced around wondering if anyone saw. She tore the papers off quickly and tucked her son under her arm as they ducked inside.

Settling AJ was easy. She changed him out of his clothes, surrounded him with an assortment of trucks, put Paw Patrol on the television, and shook some animal crackers into his snack bowl. He'd be occupied for at least a half-hour.

She ducked into the kitchen and undid the sticky tape that held the papers closed. Her eyes scanned intently. Oh, Thank God, she thought. It was just a late payment notice. A warning that eviction was imminent but that it wouldn't be happening just yet. She had some time, but not much, to figure things out before she'd be dragged to housing court. She'd have to hit the pavement tomorrow and land something. Anything at this point.

The calls and emails she sent out to her contacts over the past week weren't working. She pulled out a pen and pad from her desk drawer and got to work creating a list of restaurants she could stop by. One's that were accessible by bus and wouldn't require her to work sixteen-hour shifts. The list was short. She kept in touch with a few of her college friends, even though it was painful to watch as they moved on and took internships that led to exciting careers in restaurants she only dreamed of cooking in. Maybe all this time actively hating their lives while liking their photos on Instagram would actually pay off. She shot off a few messages to them as the sun slipped low behind the city.

Of all the early mornings that she cursed at having with AJ, she was always grateful for any early evening he gave her. Those were rare nights when he would pass out on the carpet with a stuffed animal pulled close. Tonight was one of those nights. She watched him for a moment before scooping him up and taking him back to the small room they shared to lay him in his crib. His body stretching from one set of white wooden bars clear across the mattress to the other. He'd need a new bed soon. Probably needed it right now but it wasn't possible. Even cookies were out of the budget. Ugh. Sidney stayed in the dimly lit room with him, perched herself on her bed, and gazed out of the window. Her eyelids were heavy and her head had begun to hurt. Probably from not eating since breakfast. But stress had stolen away from her appetite. She slid back onto her bed and took a cue from AJ, following him into an unsettled sleep.

The problem with not facing things in real life is that they'd find a way to work themselves out one way or another. Sid's issues often decided to weasel their way into her dreams. Other than dreaming often about her father's death, she also had this recurring dream that involved her getting ready to take a shower, only to pull back the curtain and see Aiden's body lying lifeless in the tub. It was traumatizing. While Whitney was staying over one night, Sid had an especially bad one that sent her flailing and crying out of her bed. 

She was forced to come clean to her sister that these types of dreams were as common to her as brushing her teeth each morning. Whitney deduced that her unresolved issues with Aiden and the death of the relationship she once had with him had manifested itself in her dreams. She offered that the best way to get rid of the dreams was to have a deep conversation with Aiden where they discussed everything and she shared her feelings. Sid never let Whitney sleepover again.

Recently, the dream had morphed. She would open her eyes to find that she was in a Honda Pilot. The seat belt wrapped around her so tight that she couldn't move. Just beyond the front of the vehicle Aiden was wrapped in someone else's arms. Kissing. Touching. Thrusting. And she couldn't getaway. Could only close her eyes, but when she did the sounds of their lovemaking amplified. The moaning and grunting. It usually rose to a volume that caused her to scream out and thrash her body until she awoke on the floor next to her bed. This was one of those nights. She shot up out of bed with a scream and then clamped her hand over her mouth. AJ rolled over but remained sleeping.

Sid eased out of bed and after a quick stop in the bathroom went to the kitchen and flicked on the light. She ignored the few critters that scurried back into their hiding spaces and grabbed the water pitcher out of the fridge to pour a glass while staring out of the window. Her view of the alley behind her building was usually nothing exciting but today there was movement. Little bodies in what looked like tactical gear gathered around the perimeter of the building. About six of them listening intently as one guy made hand gestures in different directions. What the hell?

According to her microwave, it was just past four in the morning. The neighborhood was sleeping. Not a soul was around. If they were hoping to catch someone in action they were going about it the wrong way. But... if they were simply trying to catch someone off guard...

"Shit." Sid ditched her cup in the sink and grabbed her sneakers that were near the door but stopped short of lacing them up. Going down there probably wasn't the best idea. She did not need to get caught up in the melee. She grabbed her phone instead and dialed Phil's number. It rang and went to voicemail so she hung up and called again.

"Yeah," Phil's groggy voice tumbled through the phone.

"It's Sid. You have to leave your place now."

"You trying to get into a 'lil something?" He sounded markedly more awake and ready for whatever kinky rendezvous she would propose. Sid peeked back out of her window. The police were still huddling. Sid rolled her eyes. Here he was thinking about a booty call when his front door was a few minutes from being kicked in.

"No. There's a squad out back. Watch yourself." She disconnected the call and went back to bed. She'd done her good deed for the early morning. She closed her eyes and listened to AJ's gentle breathing as she thought of Nissan's, Ford's, and Toyota's...anything except Honda Pilots. 


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