F O R T Y - O N E

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The rooms in the house were plentiful. All decorated and done up with thick Frette sheets, silky pillows, and extra clothing, robes, and towels. But she decided to stay in Whitney's room. Sidney was in her sister's bed, her back resting against a purple tufted headboard, legs stretched out in front her, and brain barreling in every direction. Her mind was getting whiplash from how quickly it was moving. It would be sorrowfully stuck in the past before shifting violently to her worried present. Her future was a discouraging gray that she couldn't access no matter how she tried. Too many roads for her to go down. Too many possible outcomes. Detrimental ones.

Music was playing in the background, as it always was with her sister. Wherever Whitney was music was never far behind. It was like she walked through the world with her own soundtrack. This evening it was soulful. Deep emotional chords moaned low around them. Whitney's head rested on Sid's lap.

Sid threw down her phone as it died in the middle of her trying to send another text to Phil. It wasn't like he would respond any way but she was hoping he could. She tugged back the urge to cry and prayed that he could find a way to let her know that he was still alive.

"So, the brother of our dad's killer?" Whitney said as if she was right there in Sid's head with her.

"I didn't know he was Kru's brother until after we got together."

"You guys are together?"

"No, we're not like together together. We've just been spending some time with one another but..."

"You like him?"

Sid thought about Phil. He was nothing like Aiden but in spite of herself, she compared Phil to him. The similarities were slim to none but there was something they shared. That same pull she felt to Aiden, she felt to Phil. He was familiar. Like a place she had not visited in a while but could still feel the security of curling up in her favorite hiding spots. With him, she shed her titles. She wasn't a Chef. Roland's daughter. Aiden's Ex. Single mom. When she was with Phil she felt her youth coming back alive. He looked at her like a beautiful stone that, out of pure luck, he alone had stumbled upon. He seemed to never notice the baggage she carried. The weight of failure that hung around her. He reminded her that she was twenty-freaking-three and that it was okay that she was still figuring things out. And most of all he was honest. And sexy. Sidney closed her eyes against the flutters in her tummy.

"Yes, I like him. A lot." And then her heart broke again. Huge tears moved down her face and landed like rain from a storm cloud on Whitney's ear. She wiped the moisture from Whitney's ear and her sister turned to look up at her. "I have to help him."

"We will. If he's had to live with Kru all his life...Kru's probably devastated him as much as he's devastated all of us." Whitney was speaking from her analytical psychology background but it cracked open something in Sid's head. The only man that Sid had compared Phil to was Aiden. He was her only frame of reference for relationships for her entire life. But before Aiden even came along there was another man who formed the idea of who a man was. He was honest, brutally so. He had dreams that would take him far away from their hood. And when he loved, it was so pure and so full. Phil was so familiar because he reminded her so much of her father. And there he was in Kru's clutches just like her father ended up. Fury rode in on a wild horse and stamped every other emotion out.

"He can't keep doing this. I have to stop him." Whitney sat up and looked at Sidney.

"I know Sid, trust me I understand but... first and foremost you have to stay alive. I will not lose you to this man too." Sid didn't answer. What was in her mind would surely terrify her sister. She wanted to end this guy. Even if that meant her end as well.

"You look exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?" Whitney was frightened by Sid's silence just the same. She must have sensed the fire in her tired eyes. Hoped that sleeping it off would make it dissipate. Large blue numbers glowed from the clock on the nightstand and ticked toward two in the morning. Her body was sluggish and exhaustion pulled on her limbs. She knew sleep would probably do her a world of good but she still felt too much energy coursing through her. Nevertheless, and mostly to appease Whitney who was already sliding under the covers, Sid changed into a large t-shirt and sleep shorts from Whitney's dresser. After plugging her phone into a charger, she crawled into bed next to her sister who's breathing let her know that she was already slipping into a deep sleep.

Sid tried fitfully to get to sleep for about twenty minutes before sneaking out of bed and back to her mother's room. She could see that the little soiree was still going on outside but the group had whittled down to only one other couple besides her mother and Regis. The closet doors were still open and in no time she located the chest that held her father's things. She pulled out one of his shirts and crept back to Whitney's room where she kept it curled against her body and breathed in his faint scent until she too was deep asleep.

***

Morning arrived before Sidney was ready for it. The golden streaks of sunlight that broke through the room seemed mocking. The first thought that her conscious brain had was of the bloated mottled mess that was Phil's face the night before. She laid there beneath the comforter, her hands still clutching her father's shirt pretending that she didn't have to get up and face the world. The one where she owed several grand to a murderer who was holding someone she cared about hostage. But when she heard Whitney moving around the room she forced herself to pull herself up into a sitting position. 

She ran a tongue around her dry mouth and rubbed her face, rough and marked with salty trails. She'd done enough crying to soothe any and all future hurts. After squinting through the intruding sunlight she spotted her sister across the room. Headphones hung from her neck and she wore an over-sized hoodie and cut off denim shorts. For a moment her sister looked like she fifteen again and Sid longed for them to be squished into their tiny room in Fort Greene again trying to make Vine videos that they were sure would make them famous. Sid looked around the large room. Things sure could change more quickly than should be allowed. She tossed the heavy duvet off her legs.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Whitney spun around with worried eyes.

A short grunt was all that Sid could give.

"Fair. Hungry?" Whitney asked. Sid glance at the clock and saw that it was nearly noon. Her stomach rolled and she nodded.

"I ordered French Toast and Sausage from this place in town. Didn't eat most of it. I'll heat it and bring it up." Typical Whitney, slight and barely ate like their mother. Sid knew that within a few moments of the food arriving upstairs it would be taking the journey to fill her empty stomach.

Sid grabbed her phone from the charger and checked to see if Phil had reached out. The phone held no message from Phil but three calls from Tomi. She felt like a terrible friend for not calling Tomi to let her know what was going on. She was probably worried absolutely sick wondering where she was all night. Sid hoped that AJ wasn't giving her hell on top of it all. She quickly called Tomi back.

"Sid." She answered on the first ring.

"Yeah, I'm so sorry, Tome. I have so much shit to tell you. I'm at my mom's but I'm just going to eat something and head straight to you." Sid crossed the warm wood floor—heated floors?, Sid thought-- into the en suite bathroom and put the phone on speaker as she eased her shorts down and rested her bottom on the toilet which was also warm. Heated toilet seats? Is that a thing?

"Sid, listen. I've been trying to call you."

"I know, I'm sorry. My phone died and then I fell asleep after everything."

"No, no. It's fine but Sid...um...Aiden took AJ."

"What? It's not his wee—" Sid stopped as she recalled her conversation with Aiden yesterday before work. He wanted full custody of AJ. They were supposed to meet this morning to talk things out and she completely missed it in the mess of Kru and Phil. Sid felt herself bolting up from the toilet before a stream could even escape her. Her empty stomach curled inside and she felt her legs go numb. Whitney appeared in the doorway holding a carton of food and juice. She eyed her sister's swaying body, sat the food on the nearby dresser, and immediately went to her.

"He can't. Not without talking to me."

"He can, Sid. He's AJ's Dad. He left some court papers here. Said you would be formally served later this week." Tomi's voice echoed from the phone and bounced off the walls of the bathroom. Whitney's hand shot to her mouth.

"Tomi...Tomi...he can't. He can't take my baby."

"I tried to talk to him. I swear. I tried but he was just so fucking...ugh. Sid, I'm sorry." Whitney grabbed the phone. Sid saw her lips moving but no sound was reaching her ears. There could not be any way that everything was falling apart this way. She leaned against the counter for support and closed her eyes.

Daddy, please. Please help me. I swear I can't do this anymore. I don't know why this is happening but I need you. Please.

She had never been a prayerful person. The Berry's had never attended church. She believed for a long time that whatever God may have existed left her the moment he took her father away. But she believed in her father. She believed in his spirit and if she wanted to believe in the supernatural power of anything she was going to put her bets on him. She was done falling apart. She was done mourning loss. Everything that could be taken away from her had been. Now she just hoped for strength instead. Because asking for the bad things to stop happening hadn't worked. 

When she opened her eyes, she walked out of the bathroom, leaving Whitney cursing on the phone. She walked back into the room and sat on the bed. She spread her hands out on either side of her and let her fingers run over the soft sheets, soothing her somehow until her fingers tips touched a rougher cotton fabric. She looked over to see her father's shirt peeking out from the bundle of bed linen. She grabbed hold of it again and closed her eyes. Maybe she had gone crazy but if someone asked she would swear that she heard the tenor of her father's voice. She held on tighter to the shirt, straining the fabric in her fists.

"Sis...sis...it's going to be okay." Whitney settled by her side rubbing circles on her back but Sid didn't respond. She was listening to what that voice was telling her. Once it was done speaking she opened her eyes. Her sister's worried face floated in her peripheral. Sid nodded in agreement with Whitney's words.

"It will be. I'm going to make sure of it."

"Okay." Whitney seemed cautious. Like Sid was a ticking time bomb. But Sid was calm. She was in control, harnessing whatever power her dad used to guide him through life with such force and conviction.

"Can you come with me?" Sid asked as she started off of the bed and began collecting her clothes from yesterday.

"Where?" Whit's eyes balked as Sid closed the door to the bathroom.

"To Aiden's." The sound of the latch catching as the door closed echoed between them. 

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