I don't let myself cry until I'm safely behind my closed and locked bedroom door.

            And even then, it's only tears that fall down my cheeks. Silently while I collapse against the door and pull my knees to my chest. I'm not sure what to feel, or think, or say, or do. I'm pretty sure Wyatt and I are over now, before we even really had a chance to begin.

            What hurts the most is that my mom was right.

            You can never rely on men. Not even the ones that you thought were good, genuine people. No, in the end they will always leave. They'll quit when it gets too hard. Leave you behind with the mess and the pain of what could've been.

            My father left my mother when she had me. It got too hard for him, so he quit.

            And now Wyatt's gone and quit on me too.

            Though I suppose the joke's on me this time.

            I should've seen the signs all summer long when he'd be there for me, when we'd get closer and then he'd vanish. Ignore me for a month before crawling back because all the other girls in his life were starting to bore him again.

            Pretty good cover telling me it was because he was 'confused and didn't want to hurt anyone'. Bull-fucking-shit. If he really loved me, he'd have told Ryder the truth a long time ago. He'd have waited to fuck me until we were actually together. And not been content to keep us a secret for so long.

            And besides all that, if he really wanted this, wanted us, wanted us to belong to one another. Then he would've put up more of a fight. Instead of folding like a fucking chair the second things got a little harder than we thought they'd be.

            He doesn't get to tell me I'm his and then walk away without a second thought.

            Well fuck this, and fuck men.

            I stand, unlocking my door and yanking it open as I storm down the stairs.

            River and Dallas both jump when I come barreling into the kitchen, interrupting their morning breakfast of pancakes, and gushing about how much they love each other.

            This sight almost makes me sick.

            "Hey girl," River's voice is hesitant. "You alright?"

            "Peachy." I say harshly, riffling through our liquor cabinet until I find the bottle of whiskey and grab it, slamming the door shut. "You still have that pack of cigarettes we bought last weekend?"

            "Yeah, in my nightstand—"

            "Thanks." I nod, turning and marching back out of the kitchen, ignoring their hushed whispers as I stomp back up the stairs two at a time. I find the cigarettes and lighter, grabbing both before returning to my room.

            Then I march to my window, slamming it open and sliding out onto the part of our roof that we can sit on because it's completely flat. I pull a blanket through, setting it over the layer of snow before sitting and uncapping the bottle. With the rage and emotion in my system, I don't even feel the cold right now.

            I take a long drink, the burning liquid soothing my thundering nerves to a low buzz. The tears return, pouring down my face with a vengeance as I choke back a sob with another gulp of alcohol.

            As I set the bottle beside me, I catch a flash of gold and spot the bracelet Wyatt gave me for my birthday. New anger and frustration flares as I fiddle with the clasp. I'd worn it every day since I'd open the gift, like a sentimental idiot that I never wanted to be.

            I hold it my hand, staring at the polished metal one last time before I cock my wrist back and toss it over edge of the roof. It probably landed somewhere in the backyard, but I'd be hard pressed to go looking for it, and once the snow melts it'd be as good as gone.

            My hands shake as I grab a cigarette and light it, inhaling the charred air and exhaling a long breath as the nicotine helps to center me again.

            "Fuck," I breathe, taking another long drag.

            I'd get over this. I won't let myself fall apart because of a guy.

            I don't belong to him; I don't belong to any man. And I'd never let another guy grab me and say 'mine'. I refuse to be that girl. 

Never have been and never will be.

~

            When I hear a knock at my apartment door Sunday morning, the last person I expect it to be is Ryder. After fighting with Aurora yesterday, and breaking up or whatever that had been I'd gone home instead of to the park and tried to distract myself with some unfinished homework.

            I also resisted the urge to drink, knowing I needed to sit with these emotions. Knowing that was the better, healthier thing to do.

            I also resisted the urge to call her later that day and text her. To tell her I'm sorry and I want to make things right. That I love her and already miss her, but I don't because it's still so fresh.

            So, I'd resolved to give her some space, finished my homework last night then got up early this morning to work out and grab some groceries for the week. I'd just been unpacking my bag from Trader Joes when I'd hear a knock at my door.

            And now I'm opening it to reveal a very sheepish looking Ryder with Jourdan standing behind him, a stern expression on her face.

            "Hey dude," he manages, voice low and I raise an eyebrow.

            "What's up?" I ask, feeling confused and Jourdan pokes at Ryder who sighs.

            "I'm here to apologize," he grits out. "And help make things right."

            "What else?" Jourdan scolds and Ryder sighs again dramatically, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose before groaning.

            "I'm also here to give you, my blessing." He says. "For real this time."

            "Your blessing?"

            "Yes," he nods, meeting my gaze now, looking determined. "I want you to be happy."

            "Okay, good start," Jourdan smiles. "Now I'm going to do some shopping while you two chat."

            She gives Ryder a little shove towards my open door as he turns his head over one shoulder, tossing her a pathetic look before she turns and leaves him. He lets out another breath before reluctantly stepping in my apartment and I shut the door. 

            "How'd she get you to come here?" I ask and he shakes his head.

            "Oh no, I wanted to come," he insists. "This is fully my choice."

            I stare at him, narrowing my eyes and knowing that's bullshit. He eventually caves, sighing and palming his forehead in defeat.

            "She won't let me touch her until I make things right," he grumbles. "Like nothing, no kissing, no fucking—"

            "God damn it," I laugh, and he cracks a grin too.

            "I know," he shakes his head. "I know it's lame, but she is right. I've been a big immature pussy about this whole thing and it's my fault you and Aurora are going through it right now."

            "No, I—"

            "Don't bro," he shakes his head. "Seriously, let me take responsibility for this one, okay?"

            I pause, studying him before I concede and nod my head. Sure, we lied, but he did make things harder by being such a dick for so long, even after telling us it was okay.

            "Alright," I sigh. "But I get it, I shouldn't have touched Aurora without talking to you first. You know this, but I'm really fucking sorry. I promise you; I didn't plan this or expect it. I mean obviously, I noticed when we got to college, and she was all grown up. But even then, I knew there was a boundary there. I can't even explain how I crossed that line; I just did and then it just kept happening . . . well, I realized I love her."

            "I know, trust me, I get that we want who we want. It doesn't always make sense. And I accept your apology." He tells me. "But I also shouldn't have told you it was okay before and then held a grudge for a month. I just think—well, I definitely did not expect to see you two fucking right there, in my living room."

            "Yeah," I laugh awkwardly. "It's just—in the moment, I mean, she was—"

            "No need to explain." He scrunches up his nose. "You have my blessing, but I don't think I can ever hear about your sex life again."

            "Valid." I say and we both laugh.

            We move to the living room then, and I sit in the large armchair across him Ryder as he takes the couch.

            "So," he pauses. "How are things between you two?"

            "Not good," I say, tone revealing the pain I'd been feeling since yesterday.

            "You really broke up with her?"

            "I mean," I swallow hard, running a hand over my face. "I didn't want to. I don't want to be broken up but, in the moment, I got so in my head. I thought it was the right thing to do for her."

            "Yeah," Ryder laughs. "I get that. I mean, I kind of did the same thing."

            "With Jourdan?"

            "Uh huh," he shakes his head. "I got scared, and I mean, it made me really look like an idiot because there was no reason for me to freak out. You had a reason—unfortunately that reason was me—and so at least you had some bit of logic on your side."

            "Her mother, your stepmom," I start. "Has been giving her hell, she knew by the way, saw us in the hallway when everyone was watching Elf. And said she wouldn't say anything but that if Aurora slipped up, you know missed a tutoring session or let her grades drop, she'd cut her off."

            "Wait, she's known since Christmas?" Ryder asks and I nod.

            "Yeah, sorry dude, I don't know if I'm the right person to have told you that but," I shrug. "I don't want to lie to you again. And yeah, she knew and flipped out and has been essentially torturing Aurora ever since."

            "Damn," Ryder scoffs, sinking into the couch and I nod.

            "So, I just, I thought me being in her life was making things so much harder for her," I tell him. "I hated seeing her like that. And I realized, her life had been harder since we kissed over the summer. I thought I was being selfish, and I needed to do the right thing in letting her go."

            "Fuck, and I definitely didn't make things any better by being such an asshole."

            "I mean, it'd be one thing if we were older," I reason. "If she already had a career established and didn't need her mom's support. But right now, she needs it. And I didn't want to get in the way of something I know she needs more than she could ever want me."

            "That is solid logic," Ryder shrugs. "But I'm just gonna warn you right now, the one thing she's always hated more than her mother's dangling her support over her head like a double edge sword, is that her mom is always making decisions for her. I mean fuck, you saw her at Christmas, talking for Rory while she sat there fuming."

            "I know." I groan. "I know I really fucked things up."

            "I'm gonna help though," Ryder offers. "It's mostly my fault, I definitely got in the way, and I should've been more mature. Let me talk to her."

            "I don't know—"

            "You want her back, right? You want to be together?" He asks and I nod instantly, without even thinking. No matter how distraught or pained I am over what I did, I still know that I love her. And now, with Ryder's support, the whole situation feels different.

            "Good, then let's go," Ryder stands, and I raise an eyebrow.

            "Right now?"

            "Yeah, there's no time like the present," he strides over and yanks me up. "Besides, you know this, but it's best not to give her time to stew. Otherwise, all the bullshit my stepmom has drilled into her takes over and she pretends she doesn't have any emotions."

            "You just want to fuck your girlfriend again," I accuse, and he laughs.

            "Selfishly yes," he grumbles. "But unselfishly, I won't lie and tell you that I haven't noticed a change. In both you and Rory. It seems like you actually might be good together."

            Ryder texts Jourdan then to let her know we're taking my car over to Aurora's and we head out. Not before I fix my hair of course and throw on a nicer jacket, but then we're parking out front of her house, strolling up the drive as a lump settles in my throat.

            Would she even talk to me?

            It's true—what Ryder said before. Aurora closes herself off when she gets hurt, pretends she's fine and doesn't need anyone but herself. And the bullshit part of the whole thing is that I never intended to hurt her.

            Ryder knocks loudly at the door, stepping back to stand next to be as he shrugs his hands into his pockets, and we wait in silence. And moments later, the door opens, but it's not Aurora. It's her friend River.

            "Oh," her eyes widen when she sees us. "Hey guys."

            "Is Aurora home?" I blurt, unable to help myself and River winces.

            "Yeah," she nods, swallowing visibly. "But I don't think—"

            "Look, we're here to make things right," Ryder starts but River just shakes her head.

            "I know you are," she sighs. "And under different circumstances I'd probably be helping you, but I don't really think Rory's in a great place to talk. To either of you."

            "I need to see her." I grit out, pain aching in my chest as I try to breathe.

            "Maybe you should give her some more time—"

            "Who is it?" A new voice joins in, and I feel my heart jump, knowing it's her.

            Then she's there, next to River as she opens the door wider, and I frown. She's dressed in dark leggings and a big, black leather jacket. Sunglasses over her eyes as she pauses and seems to take us in.

            "Rory—" River hesitates but she waves her friend off. River gives us a sympathetic look before retreating into the house and now Aurora stands, blocking our entrance. She clearly has no intention of letting us inside, at least right now. 

            "Well," her voice is almost scarily monotone. "Look who came to apologize."

            "I'm also here to give you two my blessing, I want you to be ha—"

            But he stops when Aurora starts to laugh, shaking her head and I immediately get the sense that something is off with her. Ryder glances at me, looking confused.

            "Let me guess," she sighs, laughter subsiding. "My brother decided to give you permission, he made it easier for you and so now that I'm easy, you want me again huh?"

            "Aurora," I shake my head, taking a small step towards her. "No, I never—"

            "Don't stand there and fucking lie again," she spits. "That's how we got ourselves in this mess, remember? Lying."

            "I'm not lying."

            "Okay, so then what? Am I wrong?" she asks, cocking her head. "Are you not here to try have your way with me again?"

            "Don't say it like that." I rasp, voice giving away my desperation as I feel my brow pull together in frustration.

            "Give him a chance—" Ryder tries, and she whips her head back to him, finally pushing her sunglasses into her hair to reveal her gaze. Her eyes are red, bloodshot, like she's been crying, and I feel that knot in my stomach twist harder, but they don't show any signs of sadness right now. Instead, she looks venomous.

            "No." She snaps, looking back and forth between us. "You're here to apologize, fine, I accept your apology. But you don't get to just undo everything you've done. You don't get to suddenly pretend you're not a big fucking pussy, and you," she turns to me. "You don't get to stand there and act like you're not just like every other guy trying to find the path of least resistance so he can get his dick wet semi-regularly. That is, assuming I was the only one left on your roster at the end. I mean if you were lying to artfully to my brother, I wonder what else you were lying about too."

            I feel like she just smacked me, my head jerking back in surprise as I suck in a breath.

            God damn, she is ruthless. 

            "I would never do that to you," I say lowly, swallowing hard and trying to ignore the sandpaper texture of my tongue at the moment. "I love you."

            "Eh," she shrugs. "It's not the first time a guy has claimed to be in love with me, and it definitely won't be the last."

            Her words are like a knife to my chest, and she twists it in, digging deeper. It takes everything I have to stay where I am, to keep my face even and stop myself from grabbing her. Shaking her and telling her to snap out of it.

            "Bro, you're being a bit harsh." Ryder chides and she glares at him, lips set in a firm line.

            "You don't get to talk," she bites back. "Not after you gave me shit for a month, and now surprise, surprise, you got him to give in to your temper tantrum and now you're sorry? Now you're telling me I'm being harsh?"

            "I know I was an asshole! I'm sorry!" he barks. "But please, don't let me get in the way. I know you two were different together, I know Wyatt's been good for you and you've been good for him. Fuck me for trying to ruining it."

            "Yeah, fuck you for ruining," she seethes. "In case you hadn't noticed, you succeeded."

            "Aurora, I want you, I want us to be together and whatever else comes doesn't matter," I gasp out. "Yes, the future is uncertain, and I have shit to figure out, but I'm better at figuring that out with you. And when you're in law school, wherever it is, I'll be there. I want to make this work because I've never felt this way about anyone before. I never should've given in to my fear and doubt yesterday. It was stupid and selfish, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. But it wasn't about you or anything we have, fuck—you're everything to me."

            She stares, blinking slowly and I stop talking. For a brief, faint moment, I think I've gotten through this cold, spikey exterior she's put on. I think I see her green eyes soften, emotion welling in them but then she blinks again. And it's gone.

            "Are you done?" She asks, her voice