January is a hard month.

It should be good and happy and free. It should be all the things I'd wanted to feel the entire time Wyatt and I were a secret. But now that we're out in the open, it's like a dark cloud has been cast over our relationship.

And that dark cloud is none other than my brother.

Even though he'd agreed not to get in the way, that doesn't stop him from making it a point to be disappointed, butt hurt and generally disagreeable every chance he gets when he's around us. It makes the guilt and regret worse every time I see Wyatt try to make up for our mistake and Ryder throw it back in his face with a vengeance.

Jourdan and I both agree that he's acting about as mature as a 5-year-old, but that doesn't make a difference to him. He's like a petulant child whose just been told by his mean mummy that he can't have the toy he wants.

"He's disappointing me," Jourdan sighs, Savannah and River nod as we all recline in our living room. River and I had run into Savannah and Jourdan on campus today and then we'd invited them over, knowing Dallas planned to cook tonight and River had just got a new strain of weed to try.

"I tell him to get over himself but then he just says he's not causing any problems and that if anyone's having a hard time, it's because they don't know how to live with their mistakes." She continues, and I swallow hard.

"Oh god," Savannah pretends to fake gag and River giggles. "Barf. Does he realize how pretentious he sounds?"

"Probably not," Jourdan laughs, and I force a smile.

Normally I would laugh too, but I am feeling particularly emotional today. Both on account of a very difficult phone call with my mother and the fact that my period decided to make an appearance late last night.

"He's still a good guy," I sigh, and Jourdan turns to me, smiling gently.

"Don't worry," she soothes. "I still love him. I just think he could do better; you know? He still has a bit of growing up to do."

"All men do honestly." River sighs, all three of them breaking out in laughter again.

I tug my knees up to my chest then, resting my chin there as I try to resist the tears, I feel in the back of my throat then. At least today is Friday and I'll have the weekend to rest. Maybe I can go to Wyatt's, and we can just stay in and cook together. Pretend that Ryder isn't being a huge baby about the whole thing.

"Are you alright?" Savannah asks then, cocking her head and her eyebrows pull together in concern. I manage to nod, glancing up at them as they study me now.

"Yeah," I sigh. "It's just been a really long week. And it's hard when the one person who makes me feel better also makes me feel guilty for being together because Ryder's so mad at us still."

"Oh honey," River tries to comfort me. "Who gives a shit honestly? You and Wyatt make each other happy, I watched you two all summer, and if it weren't for all the bullshit, I know you'd still be that happy right now."

"I am happy," I insist, trying to school my expression. "Really. I love Wyatt. He's—well, he's everything to me. I guess I just thought things would be different once everyone knew about us. I thought the worst part of being together, which was the guilt and uncertainty, would go away. But . . ."

I trail off, unwilling to admit that this won't work long term. It has to.

"It just needs time," Jourdan offers, and I glance at her, her expression empathetic and calm. "Trust me, every relationship has bumps and turns. I mean humans are imperfect, so therefore any relationship we have will be imperfect. But that doesn't mean they aren't worth fighting for, they aren't worth growing for."

"Exactly." Savannah chimes in. "And we don't mean that bullshit where one person is clearly an asshole or there's abusive shit happening. You know, the kind of idiotic relationships we see in moves or tv where it's clearly all so wrong, but they stay together because they love each other. Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust and empathy."

"And it seems like you and Wyatt have that together," Jourdan says.

"I know we do," I nod, tears springing to my eyes as I think about just how much I really do care for him. About how important he is to me. "I know because when we were just friends, we talked. We supported one another. It was as simple as one of us having a bad day and the other making the day better."

"That's good then." River smiles. "Like Jourdan said, give it time. Or rather, give Ryder time to see that you two need each other. That you make each other better."

"It's just hard," I crumble, tears falling on my cheeks and they all look a bit pained. "Especially with my mother constantly scolding me, warning me that he's a distraction. And then I really want to rant about it to Ryder, like I used to because he's seen my mother at her worst too, but he won't even talk to me unless it's to scold me too."

"If he doesn't quit it soon, I swear," Jourdan shakes her head, jaw set as she scoots closer to me and rubs my back gently as I start to cry.

"No, no," I choke out, wiping furiously at my cheeks. "It's just this week has been hard and I'm on my period and I don't know—weed makes me emotional."

"It does," River nods, moving to sit next to me too as we all laugh.

"Emotions are good," Savannah soothes, leaning forward from the arm chair she's sitting in across from me. "Just let it out."

"God, I hate this," I sigh, more tears wetting my face. "Before this I was so good at controlling my emotions, I never cried over any boy drama. They cried over me."

"Rory," River teases and I nod, glancing at her.

"I know," I sigh. "I know that's no way to live but still. At least I wasn't a sobbing mess all the time."

"And you aren't now," she reassures me. "If anything, it's refreshing to see you let go a little. Your mother should be a lesson to you that keeping it together all the time is not worth it. I mean, I'm just gonna say it, sure she's a great lawyer. But she's lacking in the whole nurturing part for you."

"Trust me," I scoff, clearing my throat. "She acts like she's perfect, but I know she isn't."

"Look," Savannah starts. "Boys will always be dumb. Whether they're some idiot guy you're dating or your sensitive brother who can't get over himself. You've got to stay focused on you and what you need."

"100%," Jourdan nods. "What do you need right now?"

I pause, wiping my cheeks again and sighing. The irony of what I need is not lost on me.

"Wyatt," I breathe and they all smile. "I think I'm gonna call him."

"Invite him over," River offers. "I'm sure Dallas would be more than happy to have him try the roast he's been preparing all day."

As if on cue, the sound of our sliding glass door echoes from the kitchen and footsteps thud towards us.

"Babe," Dallas approaches, dressed in a thick sweater, jeans and a blue and white striped apron tied over his clothes. "I have truly outdone myself this time."

"Oh?" River giggles.

"Oh yes," he nods. "I should be a profession meat roaster."

"Men and their cooking." Savannah sighs, rolling her eyes and I glance to Jourdan. We both know immediately that her bias towards guys who like to cook comes from a certain dude in their friend group.

"Lars is a good cook," Jourdan offers sheepishly and Savannah huffs.

"No," she insists. "He just thinks he is, and no one has balls enough to tell him he's not."

"Oh shit," Dallas laughs. "I mean, I went to that guys friendsgiving with Wyatt, and I have to say, Lars is a culinary genius. I wouldn't even dream of competing with that guy."

I shake my head subtly at Dallas as he raises an eyebrow, clearly oblivious to the long-standing rivalry between Savannah and Lars.

"Wait a minute," Jourdan pipes up. "The guys had a friendsgiving? Without us?"

"Uh," Dallas deadpans, unsure how to back pedal at this moment.

"Invite Wyatt over," River jumps in and Dallas nods.

"Oh, fuck yeah," he grins. "I'd love to show him my meat."

There's a long pause as we stare at Dallas and he stares back, grin slowly fading as he realizes the phrasing of what he just said. My previous emotional rollercoaster is forgotten as I fight back laughter, Savannah covering her mouth with one hand across from me as her shoulders shake quietly.

"I mean," he shakes his head. "Uh, I wanna show him where I roast my meat, wait—"

We all burst into laughter as he pulls his eyebrows together in distress, turning and walking back towards the kitchen. Still muttering to himself about what exactly the best way would be to express his true sentiments about having Wyatt over to try his roast.

I grab my phone then, shooting Wyatt a text and he responds quickly, telling me he'll be at my place in 10 minutes. Then we set the kitchen table, River pulling out her cocktail making kit as she declares tonight is the perfect night for a martini.

All too soon, I'm feeling much better, martini in hand as I whip the door open and smile when I see Wyatt standing there. Tall and handsome as ever, dressed in dark jeans and a thick flannel jacket.

"Hi," I say softly, and he grins.

"Hey baby," he answers me, stepping swiftly up to me and taking me in his arms. He squeezes me tight, swinging me around as I giggle and nearly spill my martini.

"How was your day?" I ask and he shrugs as he sets me down.

"Not bad," he says. "Practice was brutal this morning and I know coach is gonna work us even harder tomorrow. But otherwise, I don't know, class was easy."

"Good," I say, leaning against his chest as he shuts the door behind us.

"What about you?" He asks and I sigh, glancing away from him.

"A little emotional," I admit. "My mom called to remind me of her ultimatum. And I saw Ryder in line at Starbucks today, he ignored me and then stole my chai latte."

"What?" He asks, concern etched into his expression as I nod.

"We're currently brainstorming ways to get back at him," a new voice joins in, and I glance over my shoulder to Savannah who also has a martini, sipping it as she waves to Wyatt.

"Fuck Aurora," he groans, waving to her before looking back at me. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I shrug, tugging my hand through his and pulling him towards the kitchen. "He'll regret it once our plan falls into place."

"Especially with me on your side," Jourdan pipes up, stepping towards us as we enter the kitchen and handing Wyatt a martini. "You're guaranteed to win."

"He's only just recently started actually talking to me again," Wyatt admits with a huff as he sips the martini. "I didn't realize he was still being such a dick to you though. I mean, I'm the one who—it's just, I feel like he should be the angriest with me."

"Nah," Jourdan shakes her head. "This is a sibling thing. I remember when I accidently ate my brother's leftovers in high school, it started a feud that lasted for months."

"Oh my god," Savannah giggles, nodding. "The story you told me about your brother taking all your favorite foods out of the fridge and dumping them on your bed?"

"Yep," she nods, and we all laugh.

"That seems a bit dramatic," Wyatt offers. "All over leftovers?"

"Like she said," I laugh. "Sibling fights are a different breed."

"I guess I am an only child," he shrugs. "So maybe I don't get it."

"Ryder and I will make up," I say then. "Someday, I hope, but now he's the one that owes me an apology."

"I just wish that—"

But Wyatt is interrupted by the sliding glass door opening, River and Dallas stepping back through from the backyard. The breeze from outside carries with it the scent of smoke from Dallas' roaster and I glance to River, who shakes her head subtly.

"Bro!" Dallas cheers, stepping to Wyatt who releases me as they clap each other on the back. "Come look at the roast, in fact, everyone, come on out!"

We all follow Dallas into the backyard then, Wyatt slings an arm around me as we stand in front of the roaster.

"With out further ado," Dallas grins. "I present, my masterpiece."

He throws open the top of the roaster, and black smoke immediately billows out, hitting all of us in the face as I gasp and turn away, coughing.

"Fuck!" Dallas curses as River stifles her laughter.

"Shit man," Wyatt coughs, pulling me away from the smoke.

"God damn it," Dallas waves away the smoke as it clears to reveal a charred hunk of meat, he rakes his hands through his hair in frustration, a look of disbelief on his face.

"Babe," River soothes, stepping up to him. "I told you it looked like it was smoking."

"Well, a roast is supposed to smoke," he groans. "Fuck—what am I supposed to do now?"

"Let's just order food," Jourdan suggests, backing away from the carnage. "We really appreciate you giving it a try though."

"This is bullshit," Dallas cries, turning the roaster off and slamming the lid shut. "It looked so good before."

"Don't sweat it dude," Wyatt offers. "I'm sure Lars could show you some tricks for next time."

"Yeah, maybe he could give me a cooking class," he shrugs as River wraps her arms around him, comforting him as we all head back inside.

We then decide to order Pho and make another round of martinis while we wait for the food to arrive. Soon enough we're all enjoying our soups, talking, and laughing around the coffee table in the living room and Dallas' burnt roast is forgotten.

After dinner, we all hang out a while longer before Jourdan and Savannah decide to head home, wanting an early night considering it's started to snow, and we all want to go sledding at Chautauqua Park tomorrow. Then Wyatt and I settle in my room, curled around one another underneath my covers as New Girl plays quietly on my tv across the room.

I start to drift off, enjoying the warmth and coziness of the moment when he speaks.

"I'm sorry things are so bad with Ryder right now," he murmurs softly. "I should've fuckin been a man I told him the second I kissed you back in June."

"It's okay," I answer, lifting my head from his chest to gaze up at him. "It's also not all on you Wyatt, really, I also could have told him the truth a long time ago."

"I know," he frowns, shaking his head. "I just—I feel responsible."

"Why?"

"Because I'm, I don't know, we were always like your protectors growing up," he muses. "We looked out for you—I looked out for you. And then, I put you in a position where we lied to Ryder for almost an entire year, and now your relationship with him is—"

"Don't worry," I try to comfort him. "Really, we'll get through this, okay?"

"Yeah, I know," he manages a small smile. "I know."

But even still, a feeling settles into the pit of my stomach at the expression on his face. I don't know what's bothering him, but I know he doesn't believe it'll be okay. At least not yet. He blames himself too much and too harshly for the way Ryder found out about us.

"I hope you know how much I love you Aurora," he rasps, voice thick with emotion. One of his hands cups my jaw, tugging me close as he caresses my cheek. "I love you so fucking much, I just want you to be happy and not have to deal with this bullshit. Not just Ryder, but your mom too, it's not fair."

"No," I agree. "It's not. But that's life. It's not your job to fix it, we just have to be there for one another."

"I'm always here for you, even if—" he pauses, eyes searching mine. "I just, I'll always be here for you. No matter what."

I feel like he wants to say more, that he's thinking something else but whatever it is, he doesn't say it. Instead, he kisses me, slow and sweet and soft. And then he holds me close, so close it's like he's afraid I'll disappear.

* * *