on my way

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Song for this chapter - On My Way

- Charlie Brown

"Good morning, Lay. You need to get up now." My dad says, as he sits on the ledge of my bed, stroking my hair from my face. When I open my eyes, he sends a gentle smile my way, "you take ages to wake up, you sleep like you're dead." He continues with a teasing smirk.

I let out a massive yawn, as I sit up and rub my eyes. I am still in a sleepy state so I just begin to stare into space. My zoned out moment only lasts a few moments, as my dad's deep chuckle snaps me out of it.

"Sorry." I mumble, but he just continues to smile at me.

"There's no need. You should get dressed, we leave for the airport in 20 minutes." He tells me, while he places a kiss on my forehead and then stops at my door. "Make sure you put your pajamas and toothbrush in that duffel bag in the lounge." And then he left, leaving me to get dressed.

I packed my entire room up last week, put the boxes in a moving truck - which has already arrived at our new house, early last night. I quickly got changed into a pair of grey leggings and a white tee, bundling up my hoodie in a ball - I placed it in my rucksack.

It was strange to see my room so empty, throughout my life it had been redecorated countless times, but it was always designed by me. From the colors of the walls, to the band posters and the hundred pictures that once littered every inch of my furniture. Those same pictures were taken down as soon as she died, I couldn't handle seeing her face everywhere around me as I fell into the darkest place I have ever been. As soon as I got to my new room, her face would be planted across every wall. I've dealt with the part of my grief that doesn't allow me to see her face without wanting to die from the guilt, I moved past that part of my life - and I wanted a part of her to be with me always; our pictures together would allow me to remember her and the memories we shared.

Once I had brushed my teeth, I placed my glasses from the bedside table over my eyes and took my folded up pajamas downstairs.

I'm immediately met with my older brother Connor, who wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the forehead. "You're gonna have a better life there, Lay." He tells me, his voice strong and assuring. We used to be close, until I pushed him away. It wasn't personal and I think he knew that, but it still hurt him deeply as he always told me that he'd be there for me; no matter what. Whenever I looked at him, I felt guilty; he tried to be there for me when I needed him most, but I didn't let him - I was so nasty to him too - but the worst thing is I don't even remember most of the horrible things I said to him.

We get in the cab, the airport was only forty minutes away - but I sit with my headphones in and music blasting through my ears. Don't get me wrong, I want to leave this place so badly - but there was a tiny part of me that didn't want to go. Leaving the place where I grew up seems slightly more daunting now that it was actually happening. I knew everyone here, despite growing far apart from everything familiar in the past two years, I still used to be friends with mostly everyone. And while starting fresh was definitely the best way froward for me, I was absolutely terrified of going to a new school with people I didn't know.

I was still the same girl I was when she was alive, but I was darker - broken. No one would want to be friends with me after knowing everything I had done. I was scared that the dark cloud hanging over me would hang over me heavier when I got there. And it would hang over the new people I would meet, just like it did with my mom, and my dad - even my brother suffered because of me.

When we get to the airport and get through check in and security, we go and get breakfast at IHOP. I opted for the strawberry pancakes, and they didn't disappoint - in fact I was sure that I'd be dreaming about the taste of those pancakes every night from now on, they were that good.

Once we were board on the flight, I take a moment to check my phone, frowning when I see a message from Mason. He hadn't made and effort to speak to me since last year, he must have felt bad when I completely derailed - because he sent me a message of five words.

I'm sorry. I miss you.

By that time, it was too late. I probably wouldn't have even recognized him if he had come to see me at one of the many parties I went to. I was too drunk and too high to see straight. Thinking back, I could've died. Maybe dying would have been better, at least then I could've stopped torturing myself. It would've been better for Mason, he told me so.

This message from him was slightly different.

I heard you're moving, although that may be best for you, I'm gonna miss you. I didn't mean anything I told you. I was angry and upset, and I took it out on you. I love you, I will always love you. I hope someday you will make your way back to me, but until then,

Goodbye Lay xx

His message shows his forgiveness, and I feel so relieved. He didn't blame me anymore, and I couldn't help but be thankful.

"I told you he didn't mean it." My brother says, as he reads the message.

"He did mean it." I tell him, but I know I didn't blame him for everything he said, because I believe every word he said. It was my fault, I knew it, he knew it, everyone knew it.

"It wasn't your fault." He assures, I just hum and lean my head against the airplane window. He knows I didn't believe him. The words 'It wasn't your fault' were words that I never trusted because they were false. It was my fault. And those words were only used to make me feel better. I didn't understand why everyone tried to make me feel better when I killed Cleo. Everyone loved Cleo. I took her away from everyone.

"You nervous?" My dad asks me and my brother but we both shake our heads.

I wasn't afraid of flying until we were actually taking off and then landing. I could distract myself before then and as the plane engine starts and it moves towards the runway, I pick up the packet of gum and slide a piece into my mouth. I need a distraction. I place my headphones back in and just listen intently to the music that was playing as the plane starts to speed down the runway. My brother clasps his hand in mine and squeezes it tightly, we both share the same fear - just like our mom.

I could tell that we all just thought of her at that exact moment, a memory of her before she decided to just up and leave without a word of goodbye.

The three hours from North Dakota to California seemed to go quickly and before I knew it, I was clinging to Connor's hand as we began to land. I only started to breathe normally, when the plane landed and my feet were reaching the airport floor. I almost felt like kissing the ground, I was that relieved. Thank god, we made it.

We already had our duffel bag, so there was no need to wait for the baggage to come through on the conveyor belt, so we all just walk out of the airport.

The hot, humid air smacks me in the face, and I more than happily embrace it as we wait for dad to hail the taxi. I honestly couldn't believe that we were in California and I was about to start fresh. I couldn't wait to decorate my new room, although I had no idea what I wanted to do with it apart from a photo wall.

When we packed up, I decided to get rid of my furniture because it was years old and damaged - my dad thought it was best to have new furniture for my new room, but he told me that while he'd help me, I'd be doing most of the heavy lifting. Nothing in my room would be familiar. But I kind of liked the thought of that.

"Are you guys excited to see your rooms?" My dad asks with a smile on his face.

"Yes. Very excited!" I beam.

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