18 Days

After that kiss that shouldn't have happened, I felt terrible for so many reasons that I don't know where to begin with.

First, the reason why I kissed James wasn't fair, even if it was barely a kiss. I did it because I was feeling lonely as hell and I was also mad at Tyler for what he said to me at the coffee shop, so I wanted to forget about everything.

The second reason why I shouldn't have done that, is because I spent the rest of that day feeling like shit. Instead of focusing on moving on and enjoying being withJames, all I did after was think about Noah. Again, not fair with James.

Stop thinking about him, he doesn't care about you. How many time do I have to tell you that?

I'm done with you, seriously.

Oh, let's not forget the third reason. Noah might be gone, but his legion of fans didn't forget him. As soon as people saw me - I repeat, barely - kissing James, the gossip started.

''I can't believe she replaced Noah just like that.''

''I knew she was a slut.''

''Wow, she moved on pretty fast. She clearly never loved Noah.''

''She never deserved him.''

I thought I was dealing well with what people were saying about me and Noah, but I guess that's just because I've been practically locked in my dorm all the time up until last week.

Hiding seemed like a great way to deal with my problems, only it wasn't.

James is such a nice guy that he never tried to make a move on me after that day. I guess it's clear that he's letting me decide how this goes and I'm thankful for that.

That's how much of a gentleman he is.

The thing is that we're in different places about this. I know we are, but it didn't stop me from agreeing on going out with him again.

What is wrong with me? I should just do what I have to do and stop--

''Ems, are you sure you are ok?''

''What?'' I look at the boy sitting next to me, with his bright smile and I feel guilt consuming me.

''You zoned out again.''

I got completely lost in all these thoughts that I forgot for a second that I'm not alone.

''Sorry James, I just have a lot on my mind right now.''

He's being nothing but understanding, but I can't tell him that what I'm actually thinking is how confused I still am because of Noah, even if it seems easier today than the past few days. I'm finally getting better.

''I know. You know I'm here for you, right?'' I smile, but I feel like shit for doing this to him.

''You're a great guy, you know that, don't you?'' I mean it. Whoever gets to date him one day will be a lucky girl.

Too bad that I can't be that girl. He deserves so much better than someone like me and I shouldn't be leading him on like this.

He should date a girl that can give him her full heart and not one whose company is a burden because of her ex-boyfriend.

He knows how I feel about Noah, but he's being kind enough not to push the topic. As promised, we didn't mention his name ever since that first time we went out, which is helping my healing process.
We stay in silence for a while just enjoying the amazing view and the silence around us. He planned a picnic for us at a nearby park, that has a small lake and a breathtaking sight.

How come I've never been here before?

He told me how much he likes to come down here to think and be alone sometimes, but then he felt like it would be good to share this with me.

I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling comfortable with his presence and I don't say anything when he puts his hands around my waist and pulls me closer to him.

He leans back a little and I feel a slight pressure of his lips on my temple in the most caring way. It's weird to be this close to someone that isn't Noah, even if I'm not ready to date anyone.

All the guilt I'm feeling doesn't stop me from feeling good about his gesture. It's so nice to know that there are people that care about me.

I look up at the same time that he looks down and I realize how close his face is from mine. We are looking at each other without blinking and I know what's about to happen.

Oh my god, he is going to kiss me.

I should probably stop him, but before I can react, he lowers his face unit his lips touch mine.

It's a soft and hesitant kiss at first, as if he doesn't know if he should go any further as I'm just frozen.

To my own surprise, instead of pulling away like I definitely should, I finally part my lips allowing him in, at the same time that I kiss him back.

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As I get to the dorm, after my date with James, I contemplate what the hell I'm doing with all this mess.

I should have stopped the kiss, but I was so confused that I allowed it to happen. I guess I was actually carried away by the way he cares about me and the whole situation.

So now here I am, looking at the ceiling, too tired to think of anything.

I hear Mads clear her throat and when I look at her, she has a smirk on her face.

''So, how was it?''

''It was fine.'' I say not very sure.

''Just fine? Details woman.'' She sits on her own bed, waiting for me to tell her something.

She's more excited about this date than I am, for sure.

''It was good, but...'' I stop mid sentence and sigh, wondering what to tell her.

''But he's not Noah.'' She finishes for me and I nod.

She knows me too well for me to try to pretend it's something else.

''I just... How could he leave like this?''

She comes sit next to me on my bed and hugs me as I lie down on her lap.

Without another thought, I start saying all the things that have been on my mind since I found out the truth.

I can't believe we're finally talking about this. I've been wanting to talk to her about Noah but it didn't feel like the time was right. Now it finally does.

I let myself cry my heart out to my best friend until there are no tears left in me.

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21 Days

It's been three weeks. Three freaking long weeks that Noah left.

After everything that he's done and all the times I've told myself that he doesn't care, all I really want is for him to come back and explain why he left.

I was going so crazy that I even checked if he dropped out of school, because he's been obviously missing his classes, but his name is still on the list.

I practically begged for them to tell me something as they can't give me students information due to privacy and bullshit like this. However, I guess the old lady felt sorry for me, so she finally told me Noah is still officially a student.

After the way he begged me to forgive him, I thought that he actually regretted it, but deep down I know it's just what my heart wants to believe.

I'm fighting with every part in me to convince myself that three weeks is enough to forget him, so I'm actually starting to believe it.

The thing is that I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just angry.

I wish he was here, so I could yell at him and curse for everything that he's done to me. I wanted to avoid him and I did ask for space until I could figure out things, but I didn't expect him to leave.

He didn't leave just me, he left his friends as well, what I find very weird, considering he's always been so loyal to them. He's the kind of guy that would do anything for his friends, even if he doesn't admit it.

And then there's James. He's been texting me since we kissed, but I've been avoiding him for obvious reasons.

Kissing him was nice, but I couldn't avoid comparing it to Noah. It was nothing like the passionate kisses Noah used to give me.

That's what makes it all even more confusing. The chemistry Noah and I have is so strong, that I honestly believe it's not something that can be faked.

Thankfully, James is smart and I didn't even had to say, but he still got the message that I'm too confused to continue doing whatever it is that we're doing. I can't keep messing things up with him. He deserves better.

However, he made clear that still wants to go out with me and he'll be patient until I finally get over Noah and feel like I'm ready for another relationship.

Well, at least I have Mads. After I talked to her about everything, I actually felt better. It's like after that, our friendship is back on track.

It was yesterday, on day 20 that I decided to really put an end to this. I don't have any hopes that he'll be back after 3 weeks, so I can't keep doing this to myself.

Noah can't control my thoughts anymore, so I'll go back to being a living person.

For the first time in the past month I feel like I can breath again and I feel happy about it.

I even went to a party this weekend. It wasn't weird as I thought it would be and I actually had a great time with my friend and spent some time with Ryan.

I think I'm starting to move on.

He won't ruin anything else for me, so I managed to get out of bed and head to the library for what feels like the first time in forever.

Damn, I missed this place.

It holds so many memories of me and Noah that I decided to sit at another spot. I want to be back to my life, but as almost everything on this campus reminds me of him, maybe changing seats will be good.

Like a fresh start.

Not long after I'm reading the book we'll discuss in Lit class next week, I hear two girls talking. Well, I'd recognise them everywhere. Diana's friends.

Surprising enough, the Devil itself is not with them. Weird, I didn't know they could function without Diana.

I give them a sharp look, but before I tell them to shut up, Barbie 1 turns to Barbie 2, with a smirk on her face and whispers, loud enough so I can hear.

''Did you see she glaring at us? Noah left her and now she's all bitter.''

''She should have seen it coming. It was obvious that it wasn't going to last.'' And then they laugh.

I start packing my things to leave, because let's be honest, I'm not in the right state of mind to deal with this. Maybe I'll leave the fresh start to later.

I'm about to leave when I hear a gasp from Barbie 1 that gets my attention.

''OMG, you're not gonna believe what Diana just texted me.''

''What?'' Barbie 2 asks too excited as she gets closer to her friend trying to see her phone.

''He's back.'' I freeze.

''What? Who?''

Could they be talking about Noah?

My heart starts beating fast even if I'm sure it's something else. It's nothing to do with him. It just can't be.

I'm trying to act as if I'm not paying attention, but I'm almost turning around and shaking the girl by the shoulders so she spills the news out.

''Noah! Diana just saw him parking his car.'' I can't help but just face them, a shocked expression on my face.

They are lying. He's not back.

''You idiot. You should be more careful to give this kind of news around.'' I hear Barbie 2 say as I run to the door in such a hurry that I almost dropped everything on the floor.

If it's true that he's here, I need to see him. I need to talk to him and ask where the hell he was.

I type his number on my phone with my shaking hands, but it goes straight to voicemail. Of course.

I try to call Mads as she must know something, but she doesn't pick up the call.

I literally try to call everyone. Tyler, Mark, Logan and Olivia, one by one, but the world seems to be against me and I can't reach anyone.

As I'm running down the stairs that lead to the closest parking lot, I spot Tyler and something tells me that he's here looking for me.

''Where is he?'' I ask with my eyes already bloodshot and my voice breaking.

''Emma, you have to calm down.''

''Just tell me where the fuck he is.''

''He is here at the parking lot, but you should wa--''

I don't let him finish the sentence as I'm already heading outside.

Just as I leave the building, that's when it happens.

That's when I see him.

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Hey Lovely Readers,

I can't thank you enough for your support and patience with my terrible updating schedule. This weekend was all about writing the next few chapters that will be updated this week! Yaaay.

Noah is baaaaaack!

Thank you for being so amazing readers.

Love, Me