Ever wonder why you seem to view people in a different light once you’ve seen them cry? I could never wrap my head around why I felt so goddamn angry at that moment. I didn’t even think about going over to comfort Keenan as he smudged the tears on his cheeks, trying to get rid of it before anyone else saw.

All that was running through my head was vengeance. I wanted to take whatever had put him in that state by its neck. I wanted to smash it into the bricks of the home until it was nothing but a mere puddle that could wash off in the coming rain. I wanted it gone, so that hope had room to sit in its place.

But I never did any of that. All I did was sit motionless and as useful as the dirt under our feet. Even Lorna was doing something, for Christ’s sake. She was already on her phone by the time Keenan’s cheeks were dry and reserved two seats on a train heading two towns over. Keenan seemed to gain his spark back little by little as they discussed the plan, trying to forget about what we were up against.

It’s a little hard to remember what exactly happened after that. All I know is that we spent days out on the road, running away from something that wasn’t even chasing us. At least, we didn’t know for sure. We left Rosebay on a train that departed at midnight, the dark sky helping us cover our tracks. Lorna told us not to worry about Rosebay or the people in it; she would take care of those. Till this day, I’m still not sure how she did it.

We didn’t bring any of our bags with us, so everything we needed relied on the cash Lorna gave us. Keenan wasn’t sure about how long it would last. I’ve got a way to make more, he told me as he tried to get me not to worry, but that only got my mind wondering about how he would make more.

Once we reached the second city, we camped out at a motel for about three nights. It was a small room only made for one person with a bathroom, a bed, and a little television in front of it.

The third night is what I remember the most. Keenan came back into the motel room after buying more clothes from a thrift store and threw the bag on the floor beside the bed. I had already bled all over the ones I left with.

“Change into those after you take a shower,” he told me. “I think we’ll have to leave this place at dawn, so get as much sleep as you can.”

“Are they even coming after you, Keenan? What if what happened back at the home was a mistake—”

“I’m supposed to be home by now, answering why I hadn’t done my job right,” he snapped. “Since I’m not there, they’ll want to come and get me. So if you don’t understand it, don’t talk about it.”

I let his words hang in the small room, allowing my eyes travel to my feet instead of his face. His tone had gotten harsher since leaving Rosebay. He was always so goddamn nervous, too. The blinds never opened, I was never allowed to step outside, and he never wore his glamour much anymore. I bet you would expect me to understand him, but to be honest, it got on my nerves.

I guess Keenan sensed it, since I felt the decline of the bed as he filled the space beside me. “I didn’t mean to get mad at you. I’ve never been this scared before and I just don’t know how to deal with it.” He sighed. “Don’t get pissed off with me, okay? You may not know it because I don’t show it to you often, but one thing I hate the most is pushing you away with my goddamn attitude. I don’t know why but it just—”

He paused then to take a breath, a slight inhale through the space between his lips. If I hadn’t looked at him in that moment, I wouldn’t have noticed the way he was staring at me. Looking at him made me feel like I was staring into hell, and I hated it. But I knew that no matter what I said to him, no matter how many times I tried to coax him that everything would be okay, nothing would change his mind from what had been planted there.

He was going to die.

Keenan didn’t seem all that fazed by what was going on in my head. He didn’t even seem to notice it. Instead, he stared at the red marks that stained my shirt, his eyes growing angrier.

“Take that shirt off, Jack,” he said through his teeth. “I don’t want to see your blood on anything else, you hear? Nothing else.”

I don’t know what drove him to decide to grab the fabric of the shirt in his hands and lift it above my head, throwing it to the ground gingerly. He stared at it for moment before looking back at me, leaning in suddenly as if the world would collapse if he didn’t do it quick enough. I wanted to tell him to move away—or tell myself to move away—since he was centuries old and I was just a twenty-four year old guy who didn’t know what the hell to do with himself. But I didn’t say that, obviously. I just waited like an idiot, knowing damn well that what was going to happen wouldn’t accomplish anything.

Keenan started from the neck, slowly travelling his way up to avoid eye contact. I could tell that he was waiting for me to say something against it; to stop him before he couldn’t stop himself. I felt him on my lips in a matter of seconds, trying out the shape of it for the third time. I don’t know what reminded him of the way to kiss me or the right places to touch to send my heart reeling once more. I don’t know why I couldn’t do anything about it even though I felt so pissed about the whole thing. Why did you tell me it was wrong? I kept thinking. Why did you say it was a mistake?

His lips moved with ease, comfort, and infinite patience. I knew that he was just struggling to gain control of something—anything—that belonged to him. Something that he could call his own. Obviously, his life wasn’t one of them.

Much to my dismay, Keenan turned away quicker than I had anticipated. He stared at his feet and pretended like he couldn’t see me gawking at him, like he couldn’t see how angry and sad I was at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” he was like.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He laughed a little, the same way people do when they realise how much of a bastard they are. “This would’ve been easier if I was just normal, wouldn’t it? Hell, we probably wouldn’t have met if I was just normal. I guess that would’ve been good for you. Can’t say the same about me, to be honest.”

“Now what the hell do you want me to say about that? You’ve got to tell me, ‘cause it’s getting real hard not to sock you right now.”

Keenan dropped that fake smile quicker than I thought he would. He had this hurt look on his face; a look that would’ve sent me mumbling apologies any other day, but not that day. So I kept staring at him with hard eyes, waiting for an answer.

Keenan put his head in his hands once he couldn’t handle the heat, muttering, “Now I know how you felt when you wanted to die.”

I didn’t say anything else after that. Hell, I didn’t even know if I was breathing right. All I remember is picking up the plastic bag and heading towards the bathroom, leaving him sitting pathetically with his head in his hands and a bloody shirt at his feet.

 ***

Summer was drifting to the past and winter was underway by the time we left that motel room. The cold didn’t help me much since I was weak already; everything went right through me and set me in a fit of shivers. Keenan tried giving me his sweater to top my own since he didn’t need it, but it didn’t help much.

Nothing could.

I had gotten rid of some of the blood in my system two times that day, leaving me looking pale, sickly, and too near to death. It was hard to walk without staggering a little. Every bit of my insides felt like hell, as if something was grabbing my organs in a vice grip and twisted them over and over, trying to pull them out.

The way I was acting set Keenan off into a worse mood than he was before we left. Even in the crack of dawn, I could see how much it bothered him witnessing me that way.  He barely said anything to me as we walked through the streets in search for a new place to hide.

There was barely anyone on the streets where we walked, yet Keenan insisted on sticking close to corners and dark alleyways. His eyes were usually wild as he tried to look at everything at once, keeping his feet quick against the pavement as if we had a place to go.

After an hour or two of walking, my body finally started to break down on me. I was shaking pretty bad too, but I tried to hide it so that he wouldn’t worry. But he noticed me anyway, so we ended up having to stop at some alleyway so that I could vomit again.

Jesus, the sound of my retching made me sicker than watching Cillian beat that woman, but Keenan never mentioned it. He was too much of a gentleman to, I guess.

By the time I was able to sit down and catch my breath, Keenan was leaning against the wall, watching me. He had this sad look in his eyes that made me glance away. We were getting too sad over everything and it was starting to piss me off.

“You can tell me things, you know,” I told him suddenly. I didn’t even think about the words before they came tumbling out of my mouth. “I may not be like you or Lorna or Niamh, but I can still listen. Tell me your worst fears. You can even admit that you think of death sometimes. No matter what it is, I’ll make sure to listen. Even if I don’t understand it.”

Keenan blinked for a moment before shaking his head, slow and steady. “You don’t want to know about all my problems, Jack, trust me. I brought everything on myself, so I’ll deal with it accordingly. I just need you here.”

“For what?”

Keenan finally looked away from me and off to the opening of the alleyway. “Stay here and rest for a bit. I’ll go and get you something hot to eat.”

I wasn’t even hungry—I hadn’t been for a while—but I knew that if I told him that, he’d get even more bothered. But the truth was, I didn’t want him to leave me alone. Not even for a single second. Even so, I kept silent and watched him walk away, disappearing past the corner.

Then all of a sudden, the sky decided to open up and let the rain fall through. I pulled my knees to my chest and watched the rain darken the pavement I was sitting on. One, two, three drops landed in front of me before they descended faster and faster. The few people who were walking leisurely on the street started to run by the time it was raining in buckets, but I never moved from that spot. I never went deeper into the alley to find shelter—not for a while, anyway. I just sat there on the ground with my clothes soaked and sticking to my skin, shivering like a bastard.

I probably looked like hell, but I didn’t care.

I don’t know what made me look up at the sky, but I did. I damn near bawled because of it, though. For some reason, the sky looked all pretty with the sun behind the clouds and the rain falling, and it made me so happy and sick that I wanted to cry. I don’t remember if I did or not. Everything during that time was kind of confusing.

I got up to my feet at some point, my arms wrung tightly around my body to trap some source of warmth. I started to walk out of the alley even though I knew Keenan would be heading back pretty soon to save me from the rain. But I just kept walking and walking with no place in particular, being shoved left to right by people who were running to their cars.

Then something inside me kind of snapped. While I was walking, I felt like I was disappearing with each step. I was so damn close to tears; I could feel the sobs at the back of my throat but they never escaped. I started mumbling don’t let me fade, Keenan. Help me stay. Please, Keenan, help me stay. I knew he wouldn’t hear me wherever he was, but I never shut up even though it scared me half to death. I never did.

“How pitiful the human soul is,” said a voice from behind me, nearly melting with the sound of the falling rain. I heard him but I pretended it was just my imagination, allowing my feet to trudge through puddles instead.

“Look at him so sad and alone. Look at the shadows that surround him.” There was a sharp intake of air. “It makes you drool with wanting, doesn’t it?”

I finally stopped walking then and turned around, expecting to see Keenan standing behind me. But I didn’t. Instead, there were three figures; two wearing black cloaks over their heads, the other with blackberry hair and indigo-violet eyes.

They found us.

“Nice meeting you again, human,” Irial drawled, bowing for effect. “We would have met sooner if my brother hadn’t caused us to give chase. You look...different than the last time I saw you.”

I straightened my back, trying to create an illusion of confidence. “I caught a cold.”

Irial smiled his sinister smile, shaking his head. “You’re dying. I can see it in the shadows tagged around you. Oh, how beautiful they are. Aren’t they beautiful, men?”

The cloaked bodies didn’t move at all, even when Irial began to cackle with laughter. I coughed, trying to repress the blood that wanted to come up as I took a step back.

“Keenan will be here any minute now,” I tried to say, but I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking. “I wouldn’t try anything if I were you. If you kill me he’ll—”

“Oh, I’m not killing you. I would never grant a dying soul that kind of mercy.” He shook his head again. “I’ve been chasing after you, Jack, not him.”

“Why me?”

Irial was in front of me before I could even blink, his breath hot against my face. “If I get you, he’ll come running to me.”

“And what makes you think that I’ll follow?”

He dissipated into a cloud of black smoke which wrapped around my body dangerously, twisting like a snake. It’s hard to explain, but I sort of felt him as the shadows enveloped my body, his cold, crummy fingers touching me at all the wrong places. I heard him in my head as my vision faded, his trickling laughter and menacing voice as he said, “Because I can make you.”