Session 22

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It wasn’t hard pretending to be a teen like I thought it would be. I mean, all I ever had to do was complain, listen to what others had to say, and fall asleep like I didn’t have a problem with the dark.

Nights were still difficult for me back then. The stars, the moon, and the distant swish of the trees in the wind drove me crazier than they should have. Not that I heard any voices or anything like that. It was more of that normal kind of crazy; the type that everyone has. You know, when you end up staring past your eyelids, forgetting things you shouldn’t, and start thinking a lot about death and how the world would go on without you.

I never told Keenan about the things that went on inside my head when he wasn’t around. He had other things to worry about; things that were far more important than me. So I did what any other human being would do when put in those kinds of situations. I read books until my eyes bled, helped people out until they couldn’t see the bad in me, and pretended that I was alright.

There was a moment where I sort of lost it, though. I think it happened the following day after my little talk with Isaac in the kitchen. I hadn’t been able to sleep and the digital clock beside my bed kept counting minutes, even though I begged for it to stop for a moment. I couldn’t seem to catch up with time and I hated it.

So I got out of bed and walked out of the room. Lorna was on patrol; she had a chair at the end of the hallway and watched me walk right down the stairs without saying a single word.

I knew it was far too late to walk out of the front door. Halfway to the middle of the driveway and the cold was already travelling throughout my body from my feet. I heard the click-clacking of Lorna’s heels behind me, keeping a safe distance away. I didn’t mind her, though. I kept thinking about things I normally wouldn’t have to think about. How many breaths have I taken so far? Should I let my hair grow long?

Why don’t all my plans fall through?

Lorna brought me back into the house once I reached the end of the driveway. As soon as she did, I doubled over and puked blood all over the marble floors. The funny part about the whole thing was the fact that she didn’t even say anything about it. I told her not to tell Keenan about the blood, she nodded, and the next thing I knew, I was standing half naked and watching her clean up the mess I made.

I wasn’t sure why she decided to keep my secret, but I didn’t bother asking.

Anyway, Isaac didn’t talk to me for two days straight after what happened in the kitchen. We saw each other in the halls at times, but he only looked at me wearily for a short moment before moving on.

Even though Isaac looked paler than usual, Keenan was gaining his spark back. He knew that he was getting closer to his goal and he couldn’t wait until it was complete. It made me sick, to be honest.

I went back into my room after I had helped clean the recreation centre. Finn had been sour for the past two days because of the pills he lost; he usually sat at the corner of his bed for hours just because he couldn’t find the right fix. But by the time I walked in there, he seemed alright. He was etching something onto his desk with a pen.

“You shouldn’t succumb to being a pet for the enemy, Jack,” he said to me. It was the first time I heard his voice in 48 hours. “You’ll end up being brainwashed like the rest of them.”

I sighed and sat down on my bed, staring at him. “How are you holding up? I heard you’re returning to class on Monday.”

Finn snorted, spinning in his seat to face me. “My mother told me to ‘take a break’ and ‘think about what I had done’. She’s just quoting the books. We were supposed to meet today—we meet every two Sundays—so she’s probably glad that I messed up.”

“I’m sure she means well,” I said. Finn rolled his eyes at me, resting his head against the back of the chair.

“Oh shut up, you don’t know anything. You’re really stupid, you know? You walk around here like nothing’s the matter, or like this is some kind of vacation home.”

“What do you expect me to do, then?”

“Defy them for once, damn it! You’re just a puppet now; why don’t you ask questions? Refuse to do chores for once. Or if you don’t want to talk to them, then talk to me. The only ones who can actually understand you in this place are the people as crazy as you.” He lifted his head. “We’re the only family you have now, Jack. Your past family didn’t want you; that’s why you’re here. We’re all you have left, so you might as well get comfortable.”

I shook my head at him, growing stiff. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. We can be friends, sure, but my past is my past alone. Stop prying your way into it.”

“Nothing stays a secret for long in these walls, Jack. I’m a curious bastard; you better tell me now or I might lose it and find out on my own.”

Damn, the air was tense as hell by that point. I sat with my fists slightly clenched, staring at Finn while he stared at me. He looked so tough back then, as if he could take anything I threw at him. It sort of pissed me off a little, so I ended up speaking even though I really shouldn’t have.

“My parents are gone, I’ve got no other relatives, and my only brother ended up killing himself right in front of me,” I snapped. I should have stopped there, but I ended up continuing. “He knew that I had no one left other than him yet he still did it anyway. Blew his brains out and even tried to take me too.”

Finn sat motionless at his seat, dumb struck as he stared at me with wide eyes. His mouth hung ajar as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words. I allowed a jagged breath to flow through my lips, cursing myself for even uttering a damn word.

“No one can know about it, alright? None of the kids or even the housemothers can know about what I said to you. You hear me?”

“Y-yeah, I hear you,” Finn muttered. He sighed and shook his head. “Man, I feel like such an ass now. You haven’t told anyone about him?”

I slammed my back down against the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Keenan was the one who helped me out after, but we never really talk about what happened. It’s hard to talk about it anyway, you know? It makes me angry most of the time and sometimes it makes me sad. But then I feel angry that I’m sad and start wishing that I could’ve followed after him, which makes me spiteful.”

Finn didn’t say anything back, which was good. He sat patiently and listened as if I was spewing mere bedtime stories. I wasn’t even sure why I was telling him all that crap. It sort of felt like I had to, like an exorcism.

“I still haven’t cried for him,” I continued. “I hate him so much for what he did, but there’s a little part of me that wishes he was still here. It’s causing such a turbulence of emotions inside of me but I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel.”

“It’s alright to feel nothing at all. You don’t have to cry for someone, Jack. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.” Finn got up from his seat abruptly, walking over to me. “Want to see something cool?”

He didn’t wait for me to say no. Finn dropped down on the bed right beside me, lifting up the fabric of his pyjama pants so I could see his bare leg.

There were burns all over it. Some lines parallel, some intersecting, but most were just big blotches of burnt skin. Finn looked down at them like they were battle scars, holding the most bittersweet smile I had ever seen.

“Pyromania,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. ADHD is just the side show. My parents sent me here after they found the burns and crap. They thought it would be best if I stayed here for the safety of their house. Their house, for Christ’s sake.”

I didn’t bother trying to make it better, because I finally understood that nothing could ever fix a problem like that. Sweet words wouldn’t iron out the creases in his skin.

“Your parents are assholes,” I said, and Finn laughed.

The door suddenly burst open with such force that one of the bolts from the hinges snapped off. That occurred a few minutes later, actually. I don’t really remember what happened between.

Anyway, Keenan was standing at the doorway, his face holding a smile I hadn’t seen in weeks. He walked right in front of us, grabbing my arm to pull me to my feet.

“You did it,” he was saying, but my mind was still buzzing with the sensation of his touch. I hadn’t been around it for so long that it nearly felt abnormal. Alien like.

“Did what?” Finn asked for me, covering his burns absentmindedly. Keenan only ignored him, though, and dragged me towards the door.

“Isaac said he’d work with me,” Keenan explained as we made our way to his room. “He said he’d been thinking about it really hard after the talk the two of you had, and he decided to accept. You did it, Jack. I would’ve lost a soul if it wasn’t for you.”

The rush dissipated at that point. I didn’t have the reaction Keenan expected, but he pretended not to notice as he shoved me in his room. I saw Isaac sitting on his bed cross legged, biting his lip until it bled.

I kept begging him with my eyes to change his mind, to take it back before it was too late. But he avoided me like a person would avoid their ex. It only ended up hurting even more, but I couldn’t show it. Not with Keenan watching.

“Alright, to get anywhere with this we need to know what you truly want,” Keenan said to Isaac, sitting backwards on the desk chair. “Tell me your story. Tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen.”

Isaac glimpsed over and gave me an apprehensive look before staring back down at his lap, exhaling slowly. “She was a really nice girl. I had liked her for a long time, and then one day she started getting close to me at random. She always wanted to please those around her. She was the happiest person I knew, so when they told me it was a suicide I couldn’t believe them.”

Keenan sat silent for a long while, staring at the boy in front of him. He started rapping his fingers on the chair, his foot drumming against the floor impatiently. “What else?”

“I think it was a murder. Skye—my girlfriend—used to have a guy before me. He used to threaten me at times while they were still together, and when she came to me the bullying got serious. He and some other guy used to get kicks out of it and Skye told me not to worry about them too much, but she never did try to stop them. I think...they probably killed her.” When Keenan looked like he wasn’t buying it, Isaac added, “I’m telling you; they’re ruthless. Their names are James Kendrick and Aaron Grey. You can search them up and—”

Keenan held up a hand, silencing him. “So let’s just say it was a murder and we find the perpetrator,” he said with a slow tone. “What would you do then? Would you want him to die for his actions? Seek revenge, maybe?”

Isaac’s eyes widened as he shook his head frantically. “I don’t want anyone to die again. I just want to find out who did it and why. That’s all I need.”

Keenan’s exhilaration had long disappeared by that point. His face found the usual gloom it had grown accustomed to for the past week, his eyes growing spiteful. I would’ve laughed if I had the energy to.

“Get out,” he told Isaac, twisting his body on the chair so that he was finally sitting properly.

“But we didn’t—”

“Get out, I said.”

Isaac’s face formed a weird look. It looked like he was hurt in some way, as if Keenan’s words had affected him more than they were meant to. I could practically see his heart shrinking; his morals and ambitions gradually wasting away. Soon enough, all he would ever want would be Keenan’s favour. He’d be reliant on him so much that he’d lose his sense of self.

I saw it happen once. I knew it was going to happen again.

Isaac didn’t try saying anything else as he got up from the bed and awkwardly made his way to the door, closing it softly when he left.

“Why are you so mad?” I asked Keenan as soon as the room fell to a hush. He leaned his head back towards the ceiling, closing his eyes as he let out a woeful moan.

“I’ve done a case like this before,” he explained. “It’s quite boring and usually predictable. There are only two ends for him, see. One would be that he’s right, but he dies anyway after figuring it all out. The other would be that it was actually a suicide and he follows after her.”

“How do you know that he’ll die for sure?”

Keenan opened one eye and glanced over at me. “If he doesn’t, I’ll make him.”

That set me off. I didn’t scream or anything like I would’ve back at Cillian’s house. Instead, I stood up and walked over to the door robotically, my feet sliding against the hardwood floors.

I only managed to get my hand to graze the door handle before Keenan grabbed it. It was sort of expected, so I wasn’t at all startled when it happened. “What’s with you these days?” he asked me. When I didn’t answer he added, “Lorna told me that you tried to leave one night.”

“Did she tell you anything else?”

“What do you mean?”

I let out a breath, shaking his hand off of mine. “I seem to go into the worst state right after sundown lately. My mind keeps reminding me of what I haven’t done for Isaac and what I’m about to do to him.” I let out a cold laugh. “Who you really are is becoming reality here.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said, which is why I didn’t want to say anything like this in the first place.” I turned to him then, my lips forming a smile so tight that it almost cracked. “Don’t worry about me, alright? I’ll get over it. I always do.”

I left then before I could hear anything else come out of his mouth. There weren’t many places for me to hide, but Keenan never came after me anyway. I knew he wouldn’t.

I was hoping that one day, all those bitter feelings would finally leave me. It was just temporary damage the fear had done to my body—colossal, but repairable. All it needed was time to heal and grow a tougher skin, the kind of skin Keenan had worn for centuries.

But see, time is a scary little thing. It keeps ticking towards the future, yet it plays back the past. It always creates new ways to remind you of who you were or what you could’ve been, amplifying the damage and pain until you feel like you want to quit.

But I still wasn’t going to quit. Like Finn, I was a curious bastard. I wanted to know what exactly was in me that didn’t want to follow through with the plans Keenan had built. I wanted to know how it worked and if it was even worth it to worry.

I probably seem like the biggest prick right now. I wouldn’t blame you if you thought so. There I was, perfectly capable of blocking the loss of another teenage life, but I was only looking for a way to even the stress. Even if you asked me what I would do now, I’d probably make the same mistake over again. I’m the same way now as I was before. The last thing I wanted was to get left behind, so I had my mind set on moving forward. That’s all I can offer to myself; more pain and less pleasure.

That’s all that I know how to give.

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