Session 15

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I’ve always been amazed at the power the human mind possesses over what the eyes actually behold. In the ocean of different possibilities, I knew that only one stood true; the man bleeding in front of me was Cillian. I saw it happen right in front of me but my mind didn’t want to believe it, blocking out the blood, frozen brown eyes, and the body that ceased breathing. Instead, I saw a laughing Cillian, telling me to slow down as I ate my food. I saw a smiling Cillian, looking proud of the work he had done out in the field. But most of all, I saw an innocent Cillian, standing over his little brother as he ordered him not to cry.

At the time where it would’ve been acceptable, I couldn’t cry. I refused to. Crying would make it seem like I missed him and wanted him back or something. It would make that guilty feeling in my chest more real than it should’ve been, eating away the confidence I held until I was shaking in my spot like a fucking Chihuahua.

Cillian managed to make me feel like everything was my fault even in the afterlife. He wasn’t talking, but I still heard him. His voice travelled through the basement, bouncing off the black walls as he said, look at what you’ve done. You’re no better than me.

I had as much blood on my hands as he did, even though I didn’t physically do anything. I didn’t hold the gun, but I knew I triggered it. If I had just been normal like he said, or helped him out rather than fighting him all the time, maybe he would’ve been alright. Who knew; killing that woman was probably his form of freedom.

Keenan was at the body before I could even blink. He quit trying to hold up his glamour, practically drooling as he leaned over Cillian’s frozen face. He swallowed, letting out a sigh full of desire before plunging his fist through a dead man’s chest.

I watched it all, unable to look away. I didn’t even scream when I saw a black shadow seep from the new wound, trailing up Keenan’s arm and disappearing into his skin. Keenan closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure, looking like he could beat off right there even though he knew I was watching.

It was a sight made for nightmares. Keenan glanced over at me for only a second, removing his hand from my brother’s chest and wiping the blood on his jeans. He stood there for a while, staring down at the body before he stepped closer to me, allowing me to bask in the glory of the enchantingly pathetic creature he really was. His eyes were burning bright gold, unable to contain the excitement he felt. His pale skin glowed with a faint hue of thistle, the tattoos on his arms dancing in rhythmic movement.

“I didn’t think you’d live,” he said to me. “I thought you’d die once he did. But I always seem to get you wrong, buachaill.”

My eyes naturally grew narrow by the simple word he used for boy in the Irish language. It didn’t bother me that he spoke anything other than English, but rather because he called me a boy. I was sick of being called a boy, especially with what I had been through. I mean, I was supposed to be celebrating, right? But instead I was sulking, my eyes brimming with damn tears, and then he had to go and piss me off too.

People always manage to ruin things for you.

I would’ve cursed him dry if I had the balls to, but I didn’t. So instead, I asked, “What happened to that lady? Is she okay? Why isn’t she saying anything?”

Keenan peered behind me to the silenced woman. I would’ve turned around too, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. “She passed out as soon as the gun went off. She’ll be fine again once I take her to Niamh.” Keenan cracked a smile. “You did it, Jack. You saved her like you said you would.”

I didn’t feel like much of a saviour, though. Everything started to settle in slowly; my mind was losing against my eyes. The steady pounding of my heart started cranking up in speed, causing my breathing to become hitched and winded. I tried calming down, gripping onto whatever courage I had left. I wanted to leave that house the same way I came in; full of confidence and lacking fear.

Suave as hell.

But I was far gone from that. I tried thinking of the memories I had, the ones that made me feel good when I woke up. But my brain wouldn’t quit it. He’s dead. Your brother’s dead. There’s no one left for you. He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead—

Your fault.

I saw Keenan reach out, trying to touch me and I just...lost it.

I shoved him away and I grabbed my hair in clumps, clawing at my scalp so I could stop thinking. When that didn’t work, I sent my fists to the ground, craving for the pain to blind me like it always had. I made myself bleed and hoped that if I lost just enough, I’d be able to pass out and never wake up again.

But Keenan still managed to wrap his arms around me, restricting me from further movement. I sucked air into my lungs and tried to scream, but I couldn’t get a single sound out. Not even a goddamn whimper.

“You don’t have to cry for him, Jack. Stop trying to force it out of you.”

I knew that as much as he did, but it still didn’t stop me from trying to wrestle out of his grip. My eyes kept going back to Cillian even though he was the last thing I wanted to look at. He still had that smile stuck on his face like he enjoyed seeing me crack. I swear I heard his laughter too. It was faint, but it was definitely there.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Body and mind both gave up on me, shutting down completely and offering me to the blackout like a sacrifice. I stopped fighting, allowing it to tie up my legs and plunge me into a darker hole than I was in before; one that I probably wouldn’t get out of.

Part of me didn’t want to.

 ***

Keenan’s real face wasn’t the best sight to see the moment you wake up.

Not saying that he was ugly or anything. For a faerie born into a world of violence, he was stunning. I mean, most of them were from what I’ve seen, but he had some sort of special grace to it all, like he was crafted carefully and intricately out of fine wood.

It worked in his favour, I guess, considering that most would’ve ran away if he wasn’t so damn pretty and addicting. During that time, I liked to believe that was the reason I stuck by him all the time. If he hadn’t kissed me that day, I probably would’ve been alright.

“Where are we?” I asked him. My voice was rough as hell.

“At Niamh’s place. She’s taking care of that woman. Are you calm now? Do you want water or something?”

I shook my head, though I probably shouldn’t have since it made the whole room spin. Keenan could tell that I was having a hard time, so he helped me sit up on the couch so that I wouldn’t throw up in my mouth.

“What happens now?” I asked him. “Won’t the police eventually show up at the house? Won’t they wonder what happened to him?”

Keenan shook his head. “I burnt everything down. The house, the crop, the van...”

“Cillian too?”

Keenan went dead silent. I found it kind of odd, though I really should’ve been grateful. I mean, he was the Death King for Christ’s sake. He should’ve been fine with hurting a heart or two.

He made this funny look with his face soon after, as if my indifference towards the whole thing was actually bothering him, but it disappeared before I could make sure. Keenan didn’t know it, but he was a coward as well. Once he started showing just a bit of himself, he’d hide behind his alter ego in fear. Sometimes I got confused about who the real Keenan was. I think he did, too.

I finally understood him though. He couldn’t get me with his little tricks anymore and he knew that. Maybe that’s why he slid farther away from me. Either that or the rancid smell of sweat coming from my body wasn’t just my imagination.

Niamh walked into the room, wiping her hands on the thin blue scarf tied around her waist. She didn’t acknowledge my existence at all; she just stopped right in front of Keenan and leaned on one hip.

“I’ve tended to her wounds as you’ve instructed. I’ll take her to the elves to alter her memories as soon as you leave. It won’t be easy for them—nothing like that ever is. But I think they’ll manage to wipe you, your past client, and the human from her history.”

Keenan cleared his throat awkwardly and nodded, rising from the couch. “I’ve never done a job this sloppy before, so tell them I’ll pay double. Did you find another job for me?”

“At Rosebay group home; it’s just two or three towns over. Lorna will give you the details once you get there.” Niamh paused, finally looking at me. “What would you like for me to do with him?”

Keenan refused to look at me when he said it. He started pacing, keeping his back facing me. He didn’t want to risk letting me see right through him, but I already did. “Let him rest and give him food or something. Take him downtown after; he’ll start a new life there.”

“A new life?” I asked, my voice mocking. “You think it’ll be that easy for me?” Don’t even ask me why I was getting so pissed off over it, since any other person would’ve been happy that he was letting me go.

He froze for only a second, but it was enough time for me to notice it. I could see the weight of the guilt on his shoulders as he tried to mask it by relaxing them. “Give him some money and some clothes. Find a place for him to live, send recommendations for a job...I don’t know.”

I opened my mouth to speak again, but Niamh beat me to it. “You’re asking for too much, sir. I already have to deal with that other human you brought in—”

He shot her a stern look, causing her to shut up. I don’t think he understood my position. Keenan always had a problem with seeing things past what he wanted, especially when it came to humans.

“You’ve got to take me with you, Keenan,” I said, keeping my voice leveled so it didn’t seem like I was begging. “You know you do. I’m not fit to be on my own.”

I wouldn’t blame you if you’re feeling mad as hell right now. I would too. But I’m going to be completely honest with you; I really wanted to stay with him. Not because I was scared of being on my own or anything, but because I sort of liked the package he brought along.

It’s sort of sick, once I think about it. At times, I think I really do belong here.

Keenan finally whipped his head towards me, making me wish I hadn’t said anything at all. He stepped over and loomed above me like a building, trying to get into my head to draw the fear out. I stood instead, sizing him up even though I was shorter, weaker, and a hell of a lot stupider.

“Sit back down, Jack,” he said, his breath hot against my face. “I’m done with my job, which means I’m done with you. I didn’t sign up to be a babysitter.”

Niamh moved nervously closer to him, whispering loud enough for me to hear. “But sir, it would be such a waste to throw him away, wouldn’t it? You said it yourself; his shadows are unlike any other.”

“But he died once, so that’s why—”

“Does that have to mean anything?” She moved closer. “I’ve heard of some who keep rare findings such as he as cohorts—pets, if you will. It would be better to keep him, unless you want someone like your brother to take him.”

Jesus, I couldn’t believe the considering look that overlapped his features. He took a step back and crossed his arms over his chest, giving me a once over. I mean, I probably shouldn’t have been pissed since I was the one who brought up the idea of travelling with him, but I couldn’t help getting all annoyed by it.

“Bow,” he said. “If you want to come with me, then bow.”

I sent my hand flying across his face before I could even think about it. The sound was sharp, slicing through the sudden silence like a knife on butter. It happened so fast that it took Keenan a few seconds to realise what had happened to him.

It took him even longer to realise what I had done.

I never should’ve touched him. It was a grave mistake I made, besides speaking to him and grabbing his attention. His anger flared up like a forest fire as he grabbed onto my shirt, drawing me closer to him. For a moment, it looked like he was going to start yelling. I expected him to; Keenan never laid one on me before. I didn’t want him to start now.

But his fist came crashing hard onto my jaw, causing blood to spray through my lips and nose. He let go of me to let me fall, my vision turning black for what seemed like several seconds and leaving me alone with the excruciating pain.

Cillian’s punches felt like small needles compared to his. I would like to believe that I took it like a man, but Jesus, the pain was hitting so hard that I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. My eyesight came into focus and I saw Keenan standing over me, his expression ridden with shock like he couldn’t believe what he did either.

“I didn’t intend for this to happen, Jack,” Keenan said, his voice holding so much worry that it made me sick. “This isn’t what I wanted. It was just a stupid kiss; something I’ve done with many humans before. But I can’t turn away from you like the others. It’s got me tied up and bound; leaving me vulnerable at your feet and you don’t even fucking know it.”

“Because you never showed me!” I managed to yell at him. “How am I ever supposed to believe what you say?”

Keenan shook his head. “You don’t get it. My very existence is a disgrace to my father. I’ve been in this business for centuries just trying to earn his favour. His only order was not to get distracted, to do my job and get the souls so I can become stronger. So the court could become stronger. I was doing so well building the court in the background, then you come along and—” he bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything more.

The surrounding air was heavy and thick with silence. My jaw didn’t even hurt much anymore. All I could focus on was Keenan and the words he had said drifting around me tauntingly. At that moment, it finally occurred to me that I liked him. I liked him a lot. It could’ve been his intoxicating taste or his entrancing demeanor, but I knew for a fact that I was going to continue holding onto him until my arms fell off.

He knew that before I did. I was just a human, after all, something he could grab easily and let go even quicker.

Our quiet had Niamh on edge. She stepped into the scene, gingerly lifting me from the floor. “Quit bleeding all over my carpet,” she snapped. “Only the gods know how a filthy thing like you has my master going crazy.”

We weren’t listening to her, though. Keenan was breathing harder than I had ever seen him, his eyebrows pulled together so tight that they looked like they would fall right off of his face. His eyes had gotten duller, which only meant one thing.

“Bow,” he croaked out, like it was the hardest thing for him to say. I kept my eyes on him as I moved away from Niamh’s touch, put my feet together, and did as I was told. The tears had dried, but I still felt like crying. I would’ve done it if it didn’t mean getting hit again.

One punch only led to many more.

The captain in me lied; this didn’t feel like freedom. It was just another prison, only prettier and masked with false amiability. But I wasn’t willing to let go of it, and neither was he.

Think what you will of me, but I only acted upon what I wanted, not what I needed. People are always so afraid to succumb to their deepest desires, as if something would eat them up if they did. Sometimes, I reflect on my actions as something psychotic, but on other days it all seemed like a new form of courage.

The word bittersweet took on a whole new meaning that day. What we had wasn’t special or one of a kind. It was more noxious and deadly, like a killer plague. Riveting and destructive like a drug.

Chaotically beautiful.

A/N: Welcome to song introduction number 2(?) This song is Speechless by Memphis May Fire, which helped a great deal when writing Keenan's character. It kept me grounded on his true feelings and his reactions based on love and all that mushy stuff. Again, it may not be for everyone (not loud though, I promise :P) See you next week ^-^

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