I started writing love letters. It was cringe as fuck but do I have a choice? Shae said that its a way for him to atleast notice me. Atleast kahit kaunti. I wrote some stupid shits on the paper. Hindi ko pinag-isipan masyado basta nagsulat lang ako. Kung mabasa niya ito'y talagang ikakahiya ko ang sarili ko lalo na't sinulat ko ng pagkalaki laki ang pangalan ko.

Shae laughed hard when she read it. Nainis naman ako kaagad doon. I wrote it with my own hands! Mali ba spelling ng pangalan niya o kaya naman ng grammar ko?

"What?" iritado kong sabi at sinubukang agawin ang papel ko sa kaniya.

"Ano ba namang sulat 'to!" tumawa siya. "Baka sabihin niyang hindi sincere ang letter kasi ang pangit ng sulat mo."

I frowned.

"Stop bullying my handwriting!"

"I'm not!" she rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying what I see. I doubt that he will understand this, Gianna. Ayusin mo naman kasi! Pinapahiya mo ang team natin dito, e."

I snatched the paper on her hand and pulled out something from my bag. A coupon bond. I placed it on her table in a annoyed manner. Padabog kong nilapag ang G-tech ballpen ko galing sa lamesa ko.

"E'di ikaw magsulat."

"Bakit ako?!" turo niya sa sarili.

"Come on, Shae. Bilisan mo na lang at ilalagay na natin ito mamaya.."

"Grabe naman kasi," kinamot niya ang batok. "Ganda lang talaga ambag mo, ano?"

Wala siyang nagawa kundi isulat muli iyon. Her handwriting was pretty that's why I adore it so much. Unang beses ko iyong magsulat ng letter para kay Rashid. Girls who likes him always do this. At first, I didn't like the idea because I don't wanna be those girls who are really crazy over him. Pero sabi ni Shae, may pag-asa naman raw na namamansin siya kaya wala akong nagawa.

I swiftly inserted the thin paper on his locker. I smiled and immediately turned my back to run but I stopped.

"Ano 'yan?" malamig na tanong ni Rashid habang nakatingin sa akin.

My eyes widened. Fudge! I didn't prepare for this! Sumulyap ako sa gilid. I saw Shae overreacting on the side. She was gesturing me to run away but of course, I won't do that.

Hilaw akong ngumiti. "If you don't mind, I wrote you a letter."

Tumaas ang kilay niya at inilusot ang susi doon. I bit my lips and looked at Shae. Sapo sapo ang noo niya at umiiling sa akin. I gestured her to go out since I need an alone time with him! But she didn't even obey me.

Binuksan niya ang locker. Sinilip ko iyon. Kita ko ang iilang papel sa loob at mga libro. Kinuha niya ang nakapatong sa lahat. Oh, its my letter! I smiled.

Itinaas niya sa mukha ko at walang emosyon na tinignan ako. Napawi ang ngiti ko sa paraan ng paghawak niya. He even look so disgusted!

"You think I'll read this?"

Kumurap kurap ako. "Bakit hindi? I spent my time writing that-"

"Did I ask you to do this? Iuwi mo na 'yan," hinulog niya sa harapan ko iyon. "Dumi lang.."

I was broken hearted that time. It was my first time to write a letter and I never expected that he'd actually reject and even throw my letter away.

Tatlong linggo akong naiinis dahil doon. I had two boyfriends in that three weeks. Walang nagtagal dahil narealize ko, kahit anong subok ko, panay pa din ang sulyap ko sa kaniya kapag dumadaan. It always reminds me of the latter. That was a fail, I said. So I decided to do something better this time.

"Hi. Hunter, right?" matamis ang ngiti ko sa lalaking ngumunguya ng gum at nakasandal sa makalawang na sasakyan. He's wearing a uniform but it was not open and not buttoned.

Tinignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa at tumaas ang kilay. "What?"

"Let me guess.. 2nd year college?" I smirked.

Hindi man lang nag-iba ang ekspresyon niya. He pulled out a gum and extended his hand to me, asking me about the gum. Kinuha ko iyon pero wala akong balak kainin sa harapan niya.

"Anong kailangan mo?"

Ngumuso ako at nag-isip. "I know your brother-"

Umahon siya sa pagkakasandal. "I don't have a sibling. You must be mistaken."

I raised my eyebrow. Bumuntong hininga ako. "Well, fine. I'm going straight to my business."

He raised his eyebrow. "Kung magpapalakad ka sa akin, h'wag mo nang ituloy. I'm not interested with someone's love fucking life."

I guess you can say he's really approachable but not that friendly.

"Magpapalakad ako pero hindi sa kapatid mo-"

"Sa akin?"

I tried not to laugh with his question. His expression is bored and doesn't even look interested. Umiling ako at ngumiti.

"I know you're friend with Rashid.." Ngumuso ako. "Hindi ba?"

He chuckled. "First of all, I don't do that shits. Second.. Rashid? Do you even have an idea on where you're heading to?"

I don't think he's cooperating. Its really a bad idea talking to this man. Kung pwede lang naman kasi si Shae na lang. But that's even more disappointing since my friend is not that socialist. Baka mangisay pa iyon kaharap ang lalaking 'to.

"Wala naman siyang girlfriend, ah?"

"Wala. Because he don't do girlfriends."

"But what if he does?"

This is embarrassing. Pero nandito na din naman ako, might as well itapon ang iniipong dignidad.

He smirked. "Why don't you try me, instead? I'd do better than Rashid-"

"Shut up. I'm doing a business here." kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniya. "Hindi ko sinasabing ilakad mo ako doon. I can do that alone. Ang akin lang, let's be friends so Rashid and I can also be friends."

He barked a long laughter. "You're not even his type. Why do you like him?"

"Bakit? Ano ba mga type niya?"

"Older than him. Aren't you still a senior?"

My uniform says so.

Magsasalita pa sana ako nang mahagilap ko si Rashid na patungo sa amin kasama si Zhyner. They look like talking. Namilog ang mata ko at nagkatinginan kami ni Hunter. He played a smirk on his lips and crossed his arm.

Nataranta ako.

In the end, I ran away leaving Hunter with those silly whims of me.

Walang kwenta si Hunter, iyon lang ang nasa isip ko. I feel like doing business with him will only bring flirtations between us, at ayaw ko doon!

I graduated high-school. I tried to stop stalking Rashid, too. I never tried to write a letter for him. Hindi ako makapaniwalang halos ilang taon din akong nagtiis na h'wag magpapansin sa kaniya. Hunter said, he likes older girls. I'm not older than him but I realized that I can be matured since older girls are matured, too. Siguro iyon ang gusto niya.

I still had numerous boyfriends in those years. As usual. Ofcourse, I also tried to be attracted to other men. Iniisip kong baka makalimutan ko si Rashid dahil halata namang wala akong pag-asa doon. But it didn't happen.

I learned how to do make up. Unlike on my high school days, I was just using powder and sometimes lippie but not even too much.

"You're too dressed up, hija. Is that even allowed in college?" Daddy asked while eating breakfast. Nakangiti ako habang kumakain pero kaagad napawi iyon dahil sa tanong ni Daddy.

I smiled. "Ofcourse, Dad. Si Shae nga, may kulay ang buhok!"

My mother strictly looked at me. "And you plan to do that too?"

"No, Mom. I'm just saying that my school is not that strict. Besides, if make up boosts my confidence then why not?"

She didn't talk. Umiling iling lang sa akin.

I grew up in a religious family. My father is a pure Canadian while Mama is a half Japanese. People say I had my father's feature but I don't agree with that. Tingin ko ay kulay lang ng mata ang nakuha ko sa ama ko. I got Mama's soft eyes, her bow-shaped lips and her naturally curled hair.

I'm not an only child. Papa has three children in two different women. He married my mother but I think it didn't really work out. It was hurting on the side of my mother, she loved my father dearly but he cheated.. two times. Although, she accepted my father maybe because of me.

"Tumakas ka?" ngisi ni Jovan nang sumakay ako sa sasakyan niya, gabi at tulog na sila Mama.

Umirap ako at tumawa. "This is the last time!"

"Ayos lang 'yan. Iuuwi naman kita ng maaga, e.. Tsaka kasama natin sila Danna doon!"

I laughed. Jovan is my suitor. May plano naman akong sagutin siya dahil kahit papaano'y ayos lang din naman siya para sa akin pero hindi muna ngayon. I just gave a love note to Rashid yesterday! Paano pala kapag sinagot ko si Jovan tapos gusto na din pala ako ni Rashid. Ofcourse, that's a bad situation so no.

"Your first time here?" Jovan asked when we reached a famous bar in El Vicente. Redhill.

Umiling ako. "I've been here before. Nag-after party din kami ng mga pinsan ko dito noong birthday ko."

"Oh, yeah, I heard. Your cousins are really a party goers, huh?"

Ngumisi ako. "Yeah. Some of them.."

I had no plans for tonight and I feel so bored at home so when Jovan asked me to join a party with his friend, pumayag kaagad ako. Some of his friends are girls and I know them, too.

Like I said, it wasn't my first time here. Madalang ako pumunta since my bestfriend, Shae, isn't really very extrovert. Pumupunta lang ako tuwing yayayain ng mga pinsan ko. But they really don't like this bar, they prefer some other high-end ones.. Minsan lang kami nagagawi dito.

Kung ako ang tatanungin.. ofcourse, I like this bar better. Since madalas.. sila Rashid ang tumutugtog dito. One of the reasons why I agreed to Jovan.

I sipped a champagne neatly as his friends smiled and greeted me. My clutch stayed on my lap and other girls complimented it.

I shrugged. "I got this last week."

"Oh? Ngayon ko lang nakita!" Chloe, classmate ko din noong high-school na sa ibang University ang school.

"I forgot to use this because I had it kept after buying," I laughed a bit and shrugged.

Nilingon ko si Jovan na nag-aabot pa sa akin ng whiskey.

"Stop making her drink, Jovan. Hindi yata sanay malasing 'yan, e." Drake said.

"Oh, no. Its okay." tanggap ko sa whiskey at nilapag muna ang champagne. I drunk it and grimaced because of the taste.

Naglabas ako ng thumbs-up. "Kaya ko.."

"See? She's fine." Jovan smirked at me.

I got four shots of whiskey and a glass of champagne after many minutes. My eyes were already blurry and my head is spinning. I was busy closing my eyes while Jovan was already whispering on my ears, though I can't hear it because the music was loud!

I gasped when the song started. Ang mga kaibigan ni Jovan na sila Danna ay bagsak na ngayon. They're all heavy drinker! Jovan isn't drinking, though, ako lang ang pinagtutuonan niya ng pansin kanina pa.

A familiar sound of electric guitar started. Antok pa ang mata ko pero kaagad nagising sa malakas na tugtog ng drums kasunod ng electric guitar.

"Check yes, Juliet

Are you with me?

Rain if falling down on the sidewalk

I won't go until you come outside,"

My eyes lifted up on stage. I was right when I heard Hunter's voice entering my ears. I've had attended their gigs few times and also, I've heard them sing in stage in school! Of course, they're so familiar.

I can't really see them properly so I frowned and leaned back to my seat. I felt Jovan's hand on my thighs. I was too drunk to scold him for that.

"Run, baby, run

Don't ever look back

They'll tear us apart

If you gave them a chance,

Don't sell your heart

Don't say we are not meant to be

Run, baby, run

Forever we'll be

You and me,"

The last thing I knew, I was already kissing Jovan while his hands were all over me. I responded to his kisses and has been in the middle of the spirit of alcohol. Humiwalay kaagad ako nang maramdamang bumabaliktad na ang sikmura.

Umawang ang labi ni Jovan, nasa leeg na ang halik niya kanina sa akin.

I raised my hand. "I need a restroom.." napahawak ako sa tiyan ko.

Kumunot ang noo niya, mukhang nainis. "Fine. Samahan na kita-"

"No, no, no.." I chuckled a bit and stood up. "Babalik ako.. I'll just.. pee and maybe.. puke." I laughed in a drunk way.

I entered an unknown portal to somewhere I thought of restroom. Madilim, iyon ang unang tingin ko pero paunti unti ay naging malinaw naman na dim lights lang ang mayroon at hula ko'y sira pa ang ibang ilaw. Pagewang gewang akong naglalakad at nangangapa ng mahahawakan para lang hindi matumba.

Cold air quickly hugged my body. That's when I knew I was already outside.

Halos gapangin ko ang simentong sahig makahanap lang ng lugar. I stopped beside a car because I can't take it anymore. Sumuka ako doon habang nakahawak sa kotse. I almost cried while disgorging everything out.

"God, I hate alcohol!" sigaw ko habang nakayuko pa din at hawak hawak ang tiyan.

My eyes were still blurry and everything I see wasn't really clear. Tumingala ako habang pulang pula ang mukha at sumandal sa sasakyan.

"Can I leave now?" isang boses ang narinig ko mula sa gilid gamit ang matigas na ingles.

I looked at him. Hindi malinaw. He's tall and wearing a white shirt. Nakatupi ang braso sa dibdib at kita ko ang hulma ng matitigas na braso doon. I tilted my head and tried to familiarize him even a bit but the alcohol is making my sight blurry!

I chuckled. "Nakita mo ba si.. si Jovan?" halos hindi na malinaw iyon.

He creased his eyebrow, "Excuse me, that's my car you're leaning at. Move and I'll leave."

"Huh?" nilingon ang sasakyan niya. "Oh. This old car is yours? I'm sorry- I didn't mean to.. but it looks really old!" I laughed, really drunk.

"You're drunk." hinablot niya ang braso ko at inalis sa pagkakasandal sa sasakyan niya.

Matalim niya akong tinignan.

I bit my lips while grinning. Tinuro ko ang mukha niya at tumawa. "Are you offended- You're offended!" I mocked. "Well, I'll tell you.. you can contact my Dad because he know someone who sells good cars, we can ask for discounts-"

"I don't care about your business, kid. Stop your impurities and go home." binitawan niya ang kamay ko sa malayong tabi ng sasakyan niya na tila isa akong duming kanina pa nakakapit sa sasakyan niya.

I frowned. Is he pissed?

He turned his back at me. I immediately grabbed his leather jacket. Nilingon niya ako na iritado na ang mga mata.

"What did you call me?" I tried to strengthen my voice but it sounded so small and shaky, instead.

"Kid."

Sinipa ko siya sa tuhod. He immediately groaned and reacted. Napamura siya at napayuko para hawakan ang paa. He glared at me.

"What the f—?"

"I'm not a kid!"

"Hell I care!"

"Maybe you're rotten old that's why you're that bitter about my age! I can't see you clearly but I guess your thick beard and wrinkled face offends you as you see how young I am!"

His mouth hanged. Mangha siyang nakatitig sa akin habang ako'y papikit pikit nalang ang mga mata. Shocks! The alcohol is working so bad for me.

"You're a fucking drunk toddler. Where's your nanny right now?"

"Fuck you!" I raised my middle finger at him. "I told you, I'm not a kid! I have a boyfriend!"

He stopped for a while. I felt like for a second, I'm high! Hindi ko malaman kung alcohol pa ba ito o humithit ako nang hindi ko nalalaman.

He held my hand and put it down, but he remained holding them. His hands were warm that I even didn't want him to let go of it. I suddenly grimaced with the thought of this old man holding my my hand.

But for the record, his hands weren't that wrinkled at all. Magaspang pero hindi naman kulubot.. Above that, I still removed my hand from him. He's still an old man.

"Really? Is he real, though?" nanunuya ang boses niya. "Nakikita ko ba siya?"

Ang kapal ng mukha niya.

"Yes!" pagmamalaki ko. "If you heard the band playing a while ago, the keyboard guy is my boyfriend!" I smiled proudly.

He licked his lips and crossed his arm on his chest. Sumandal siya sa sasakyan at nakataas ang kilay na pinagmamasdan ako.

Jovan must been so crazy inside looking for me. But I'm here, nakikipag-away sa matandang kulubot ang mukha.

"Does he even know that?"

"Oo!" pagmamalaki ko. "I'm pretty so why won't he like me? At anong akala mo sa akin? Nakikipagboyfriend kung kani-kanino? Of course, not!"

Tinikom niya ang bibig at hinilamos ang palad sa bibig niya. He nodded at me while covering his mouth for something.

"Talaga? Niligawan ka ba?"

Ngumuso ako at tumingin sa langit, nag-iisip ng sagot. Well, based on my daydreams.. he did.

"I gave him letters before and he gladly accepted it because he has a slight crush on me." mayabang na sabi ko.

He barked a laugh. Nilingon ko siya dahil bahagya akong nainsulto sa tawa niya. He crossed his arm on his chest again.

"And you had a crush on him, too, for a long time? Based on your letters?"

Natahimik ako saglit. Oh, I remember writing that. But I was too drunk to not even think how did he knew that so I shut up and giggled instead.

"Crush is for kids, old man. I like him! I really do.."

"Then, why are you kissing numerous boys including that skinny boy inside?" umigting ang panga niya at natunaw ang mangha sa mukha.

I stopped for a second. Kumulubot ang noo ko at tumabingi ang ulo para titigan siya.

"I don't date bad girls, Gianna. Especially this bad girl.." he looked at me with pure rage and rudeness.