Kabanata 10

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"Are you okay?" he asked as we entered his heavily tinted car. Malikot ang mga mata ni Rashid, hinahanapan ako ng sakit sa katawan na hindi ko maintindihan. I'm not hurt, he is!

I licked my lips. "Are you still taking drugs?"

Its a sensitive topic, I know. Gusto ko lang naman malaman. I'm not really happy about it. I know he's on his right mind to realize his wrongdoings. I don't know anything much about him but I believe he has a reason for it.

"No," he clenched his jaw and looked away. "That was a long time ago."

"Were you really an addict?"

Tumitig siya sa akin. "Hindi. I was tempted because of rebellion. Pero paano kapag oo, Gianna? Would you still like me if I'm still that Rashid?"

Nagkatitigan kami. I like him not in a shallow way. The more I get to know him, the more I realized that I'm entering a hollow underground. But not bad at all. This is his world and he choose to not put any filters on it just so I can see him clearly.

"You can change," maliit na boses ko.

Tumawa siya at tumitig sa harapan. "I don't change for a woman, Gianna. I refuse to be a sucker for a woman.. for love. That's why I don't like commitments at all. Kaya ang pagbabagong gusto mong asahan sa akin ay hindi mangyayari. Though, I'm not that stupid jerk now. But if I still was, I won't change for you."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "You want people to accept whoever you are, then?"

"I don't please them to accept me. But if there's a person, well I guess you can say that she must accept me for who I am. Take it or leave it."

"That's totally wrong, Rashid." kumento ko. "As a person, its your responsibility to figure out which of your doings are right and wrong. You can't just let people deal with you and don't care at all. At some point, we all have to start making ourselves better individuals."

Sumilay ang ngiti sa labi niya sa mahabang kumento. I don't understand how he even smiled when I'm in the middle of defending what I believe.

"You got a lot to say, Gian." he bit his lips before talking. "We all have to start making ourselves better individuals, yes you're right. But I don't think the 'better' you're talking about is somehow positive. I don't want to be a person who isn't me at all. I live in hell and that's where I am. Heaven isn't for me. If no one accepts me, the hell I even care."

Nanliit ang paningin ko sa kaniya. Hindi salungat ang paniniwala ko sa sinasabi niya dahil alam kong may punto siya doon. At the end of the day, we choose a perspective that we want. And if the hell is where some people wants, I think I don't have a say on that anymore.

Humugot ako ng buntong hininga. "Atleast you're not that Rashid anymore.."

"Paano kapag ako pa din iyon?" tumagilid ang mukha niya. "You think your little admiration can change me?"

I was offended by the way he called my feelings for him.

Umahon ako sa pagkakasandal. "That's not just little admiration, Rashid. Sabi ko sayo, gusto kita!"

"Oo at hanggang ngayon may nanliligaw pa din sayo."

I stopped. Dahan dahan akong bumalik sa pagkakasandal at kinain na ng kahihiyan. Damn, I can't even protest because he is right. I forgot to talk to Julian about it. But since he said that, I took out my phone.

"Babastedin ko na!"

"Oh, really? Paano pala kapag hindi ko sinabi?"

Iritado ko siyang tinignan. "Babastedin ko pa din! Nakalimutan ko lang!"

"Sinong niloloko mo, Gianna.." bubulong bulong na sabi niya habang pinapanood akong buksan ang cellphone ko.

I let him look at my inbox. Bunch of boys were there. Nasa pangatlo si Julian dahil nagtetext siya kaninang lunch. Nangunguna ang isang kaklase ko sa isang subject.

I typed my texts to Julian.

From : Me

Julian, I'm really grateful for your efforts. But I think I can't just enter a relationship when its clear that I like someone else.

Pinakita ko iyon sa kaniya kahit obvious naman na nakatitig siya sa cellphone ko. "See? Binasted ko na."

He glared at me. "Because I said so?"

"Nakalimutan ko lang!" inirapan ko siya at tinago ang cellphone ko. "Ikaw nga, hindi ko alam kung may babae ka ba. You don't do girlfriends but you always have flings around you. Ano? Meron?"

Ngumuso siya at humalukipkip. His large biceps is flexing even more when he does that. I can even peek at his showing tattoo on his stomach part. I wonder how many tattoos he have. Siguro dahil araw araw siya doon ay nakarami na siya.

"Bakit? Ayaw mo ba akong magka-babae?" mapaghamon ang mga tingin niya at medyo nakaangat ang isang sulok ng labi.

"Bakit? Meron ba talaga?"

"Paano kung meron? Ayaw mo? Hmm?" he tilted his head, playing his mocking eyes on me.

Umiwas ako ng tingin. "Its okay. You're single, so you can have flings as much as you want."

He leaned forward just so he could stare at my frowned face. Nagkatinginan kami at bahagyang tumagilid ang mukha ko. He bit his lips as he saw my slight puckered forehead. Pinadaan niya ang mata sa bawat sulok ng mukha ko.

"Akala ko ba gusto mo ako?" bulong niya. "Own me, Gigi.."

Parang nasira lahat ng inaalagaan kong tapang sa katawan. All of my dreadings felt like an unknowns now. The longer I let him possess me, the longer I want to stay beside him.

The feeling of horror drained out of me. Love.. that's the most scary thing for me. It was clear for me that while the clock was ticking between us, there will be a big chance for my feelings to grow deeper. And that's what I'm scared of. Pero bakit ngayon.. pakiramdam ko handa ako?

To be eaten by the darkness is fearsome. But it the darkness is the Ace, why would I even fear him?

Sabado nang yayain ako ni Issa sa Redhill. Wala akong dahilan para tumanggi dahil naroon din naman si Rashid, pero hindi ko pinahalatang ayos na ayos sa akin iyon. Her friend, Zhianela was with us.

I let her wear my dresses since she needs something better than her formal once. I wore a red halter top dress and tied my hair in a ponytail. Mas matanda sila Issa sa akin pero halos magkasintangkad lang kaming tatlo. Zhianela has the most softer features among us, though she really looked western. Si Issa naman ay malakas ang Japanese blood kaya may pagkachinita siya. While me, my eyes is a bit chinky but the color is western. Matapang raw ang mata ko, sabi ng karamihan. Maybe because of the natural dark lines around my eyes, a thing that is really convenient to me since I don't have to wear eyeliners anymore.

"H'wag mong gayahin 'yang si Gianna, paiba iba ng boyfriend pero may ibang lalaki naman palang gusto." biro ni Issa habang nagmamaneho ako patungo doon.

I laughed. "Of course, not! Wala kaya akong boyfriend ngayon."

Which surprised me a bit. Dati ay buwan buwan, may boyfriend ako. Its like two boys in a month. That was my old self. I guess after all, we all have to change for the better- or for a person, I mean.

"Oo kasi hindi 'yan pinapansin ni Añonuevo. Mahilig 'yon sa mas matanda sa kaniya para daw matured. Kaya alam mo 'nung na-guidance siya? Kasi crush siya noong prof namin na limang taon ang tanda tapos inignora ng gago! Ewan ko nga, e! Akala ko type niya 'yon. " she laughed. "Kaya ayan, galit sa kaniya 'yung prof na 'yon. One time, he was caught sleeping and she was really mad, kagigising lang din ng gago kaya nasagot niya. Ayun! Detention room ang bagsak!"

Ngumuso ako. "Bakit daw ayaw niya doon?"

"Ewan ko din. Its also been a while since he had flings. Dati, talagang dala-dalawa ang babae niya. Makikita mo na lang sa group page ng campus ang essay ng experience niya kay Añonuevo! Infairness, its really a dream, ha. Ang wild!"

"Ang daldal mo, Issa.." Zhianela rolled her eyes at her friend.

I didn't talk. Like what I have described him, he's like one of those actors in erotic movies. Bold and wild. Mukha pa lang, mukhang hindi ka makakahinga ng maayos kapag nasa kama na kayo. He will never bore you in that field. Damn, he doesn't look boring in bed at all! He's the type that will never let you walk properly in the morning. Visions of him doing his thing is bugging my head. The way he grip your waist just so he could put you in a proper position is all over my head. His growls on your ears while he's pushing you behind.

Damn it! Nagda-drive ka, Gianna!

Nagsisimula na ang gig nila Hunter nang makarating kami doon. I immediately pulled them just to watch. Pumwesto kami sa gilid.

"Gianna Avila, natapakan mo ako, hoy!" someone shouted at the back. Talagang tatapakan kita!

Hindi ako lumingon dahil nakita ko na kaagad si Rashid doon. Tulala na lang ako habang nakatitig doon. He didn't saw me. Kumikinang ang itim na hikaw niya at may suot pang silver na chain necklace. His black shirt tried to hid his masculinity but it protested, hindi pumayag na hindi mapansin ang malulusog na braso.

He was chewing a gum. I watched how his hands played his masterpiece. Ang alam ko ag marunong din siya sa ibang instrumento. I never heard him sing and nobody knows if he knows how to sing, malay mo naman..

"Let's sit somewhere.." yaya ni Issa nang matapos ang kanta ng mabilis. Hindi ko sigurado kung late ba kami o talagang bitin lang ako!

Nagtagpo ang tingin namin ni Rashid habang paalis na sila. I smiled at him and cutely waved my hand while Issa and her friend was pulling me away. His jaw was clenching while chewing his gum. Pinasadahan ng mata ang katawan ko. He didn't smile. That's okay!

Ang huli naming pagkikita ay noong pinuntahan ko siya sa bilyaran. Umuwi na din ako kaagad noon. Habang siya'y nagyaya pa yata kay Lerwick na uminom, I didn't know.

"I'll get the drinks," I said and stood up.

Iyon pala'y hindi sa bar counter ang diretso ko. I saw the band getting out from the backstage. Nanatili akong nakatayo sa gilid, nagmamasid hanggang sa makita kong bumaba si Rashid. His hair is tousled. Madilim na ang ilaw at palakas na ng palakas ang music. I saw him looking around.

I smirked and went to the bar counter for our drinks. Bumalik din ako kaagad sa lamesa nang makakuha. Zhianela doesn't look happy with all the drinks I had.

"Try it. There's a lemon here in case you feel very bitter.." I said to Zhianela. Sinubukan niya ang isa.

Tumawa ako nang makita ko ang pagngiwi niya. Kantyaw ang rinig ko kaagad kay Issa kasabay ng tawa ko dahil doon. I looked around while laughing. Hindi ko namalayan kung saan sila naupo! Ano ba 'yan!

"I don't drink, okay?" she said in a irritated tone.

Nakipagkwentuhan ako kila Issa habang pasimpleng naglalakbay ang tingin sa malawak na kabuuan ng club na ito.

My eyes stopped on a couch, far from us. Nakayuko si Rashid habang may baso ng whiskey at sigarilyo ang parehong kamay. Nakapatong ang itim na sweater sa hita niya. A woman wearing a black backless dress was seating beside him. Pinanood ko kung paano pasadahan ng tingin ni Rashid ang binti ng babae nang senswal na ikawag ng babae ang binti niya. He smirked and laughed while he sipped on his drink.

I gritted my teeth. I've done three shots and yet I want to get more shots now. Ininom ko ang pinagpyepyestahang Jager nila Issa habang masama ang tingin ko doon. I grimaced with the drink.

Tumayo si Rashid nang hilain siya patayo ng babae. I saw how he placed all of his things on his table and smirked at the woman. Nagtawanan ang kaibigan niya doon. Sumunod siya nang hilain siya sa dance floor.

"I need to pee." walang emosyon na sabi ko sa mga kasama ko sabay tayo.

Anger filled me- no, this is not anger. This jealousy and I don't deny it at all. Mabagal ang lakad ko patungo doon.

I watched how Rashid placed his hand on the woman's waist. Hindi pamilyar ang babae at halos wala na akong planong kilalanin siya dahil kay Rashid ang buong atensyon ko. He let the woman swayed her behind on her crotch. Halos marinig ko pa ang halakhak niya!

Makapal ang mukha kong tumayo sa harapan nila. Rashid saw me. I know he did. Pero hindi niya ako pinansin. Instead, he leaned his face on the woman's ear and whispered something. She smiled and chuckled like they're having a dirty talk or something, I don't care!

"Excuse me." malamig na sabi ko.

The woman stopped. Kumunot ang noo niya. "What?"

The music was loud so we can't hear each other. Pakiramdam ko mas naiinis ako dahil kailangan ko pang ulit ulitin ang mga sinasabi ko para maintindihan niya!

I cleared my throat. "I need to talk to him."

Rashid's smile grew wider. Pinasadahan niya ng tingin ang katawan ko at bumalik muli sa mukha ko. He covered his mouth with his palms and when he removed it, kita ko ang pangangagat niya ng labi.

Tumawa ang babae. "Gianna Avila, right? Can't you see we're in the middle of something?"

"Can't you hear what I said? I said I need him." I almost shouted it at her face so she could hear me clearly.

Nilingon ng babae si Rashid at nilisikan ako ng mata. "Rash, I think she's drunk. Pwesto tayo sa kabila?"

Nagkatinginan kami ni Rashid. He raised his eyebrow on me, hinahamon ako kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. I gritted my teeth. Pakiramdam ko pulang pula na ang mukha ko sa inis. Yet, this man, choose to let his bitch win over me. I can't believe this.

Without saying anything, I turned my back.

Inis ang nangungunang dumaloy sa katawan ko kaysa ang alak. Malalaki ang hakbang ko paalis habang nakakuyom ang mga kamay. I only stopped when I almost bumped a chest. That's when I realized that I was stucked in the middle of the dance floor.

"Hi," a stranger held my waist and danced in front of me.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, babalik na sana
ako-"

"Huh?" he swayed my waist along the loud electronic music. "I can't hear you!" he shouted in my ears while dancing.

Sa gilid ng mata ko, kita ko si Rashid na nakatingin sa akin kasama pa din ang babaeng handa ko nang sabunutan kanina. Matalim ang tingin niya sa akin habang sinasayaw ako ng lalaking nasa harap ko.

I licked my lips and smiled at the stranger instead. "Nevermind!"

"Oh!" he chuckled on my ear. "You look beautiful. Are you a Filipina?"

He's a foreigner. Magiging interesado na sana ako pero mas interesado ako sa mga mata ni Rashid na halos tusukin na ang ulo ko kanina pa. I bit my lips and sensually smiled at the guy. Kita ko kung paano itinulak palayo ni Rashid ang babae niya.

"Yes! And you?!"

"I'm from Spain!"

I smiled. "That's great! Can we hang out sometimes-" I didn't had to finish my sentence when a strong force pulled me out of the blue.

In a fast move, I was already between the Añonuevo's arms. Nakapulupot sa akin ang matibay na braso ni Rashid habang mariin na pinipirmi ang katawan ko na tila ba magwawala ako ano mang oras ngayon. His breath was already on my neck. Suminghap ako at napahawak sa braso niya.

"You're so naughty, Gianna.. Dapat sayo'y pinapalo." mariin na bulong niya sa tenga ko.

He's now hugging me from behind. Ang mukha niya ay nasa gilid ng ulo ko at rinig ko ang mabibigat na hininga niya sa tenga ko. His hot breath tickled me and I tried not to flinch because of it.

I gritted my teeth. "And you think I'm not also pissed? Bakit? Sino ba ang nauna? You're dancing with another girl, too! I tried to get you but it looks like you like her company more than me! Ano? Gusto mo doon?"

He sighed heavily. Hinuli niya ang nagmamatigas kong kamay at pinilit na isilid ang bawat daliri niya doon. I glared at his hand intertwined with mine now. He kissed my ear which made me stop whimpering.

"And this is how you show your jealousy, hmm? Magsasayaw ng iba para makaganti sa akin?"

Sinuntok ng malayang kamao ko ang braso niya. "Bakit? Bawal ba akong makipagsayaw sa iba? I'm single anyway! Ayaw mo naman ako at hindi mo type! You said you don't want to date me so why the hell are you stopping me dance with other guys!"

"Let's stay this way, Gianna. You own me and I own you. You don't want me with other girls, then no other girls anymore. I don't want you with your boys, too, so you should do something about that." he whispered. "Uh-hmm?"

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay niya at sumandal sa dibdib niya. He kissed my ears down to my neck. I gave him an access on my neck while thinking about what he told me. Pumikit ako ng mariin.

"No girls allowed.. except me?"

He stopped kissing my neck. Nilingon ko siya. Kita ko ang matinding igting ng panga niya at mariin na titig. My eyes are twinkling at him right now. He draw my face using his eyes but my lips was his highlight.

He nodded. "Except you.."

I was in the midst of happiness. Tumingkayad ako at dahan dahang inabot ang labi niya. He parted his lips and made me face him in a swift move. He crouched just to reach me. May sariling buhay ang kamay kong naglakbay sa batok niya at ikinawit doon. His hand hugged my waist and pushed his body on me, deeply.

Despite all the consequences and doubts, I'm falling all in for him.

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