Ace

25th January

      Kit and I walked out of Theo's house completely deflated. "Are you actually going to do that to Elle?" He asked me, his voice laced with concern. 

 Theo's words echoed in my brain "she can't know this plan", "if I ever find you with her, the deal is off'. This was before he shook my hand with a sinister smirk dancing on his lips that turned my stomach in horror that this was actually happening. I would actually be abandoning the one person who showed me pure happiness.

 I nodded, tears pricking in my eyes. "If it keeps her safe, yes. I need you to do me a favour though," I said to him hopefully.

 "Anything, you name it and I'll do it."

 "Keep her safe, and keep her well away from me," I asked him. It broke me I couldn't keep her safe anymore, that I was the one that would be causing her pain soon enough instead of holding her until the tears dried. I needed to know she would be okay. "She's been through more than she'll admit and this will break her, I need to know she'll be okay."

 "Of course, I love Elle too, she's one of my best friends. She'll be safe with Lil and I," he promised and I nodded, I knew he was right but it still stung.

 As soon as the words left his lips, the car door opened and Elle stumbled out. Her face was battered and bruised, most notably she had a nasty gash across her left cheek and right eye was purple and swollen shut. She looked like she had been through hell and back, and yet a small smile still tugged at her lips as she saw me.

 I couldn't help the tears that tumbled down my cheeks as I made a beeline directly to her and brought her fragile body to my chest, holding her as she trembled and sobbed. She had no idea why, but I was also crying into her hair, pressing kisses to her hair knowing this would be the last time I would hold her like this. I love you so much was all that echoed in my head, but I couldn't allow the words tumble from my lips. It would ruin this cruel plan.

I stood with Elle in my arms for God knows how long, memorising how she felt, the sweet scent of her perfume, everything about her so I could have a complete map of her in the back of mind for when I couldn't be with her. I needed to remember every inch of her and never forget.

 "Lets go," Kit said to me as he walked past us and slipped into the back seat with Delilah. They shared a few words and I watched as Delilah's eyes widened in horror at the news that Kit had just delivered to her, she looked over to me through the car window and her eyes melted into a look of sympathy directed at myself.

 As hard as it would be to leave Elle, I knew she was in good hands with those two. I knew they'd protect her.

 "C'mon, we should get you home," I said to Elle, and bundled her trembling body into the passengers seat of the car. I slipped into the drivers seat and silently began the drive back to Elle's dorms, my heart aching as I formulated a plan in my mind of what my next step was.

 I knew this would inevitably happen. Someone like me doesn't get a happy ending, I was a bad person and so I couldn't keep someone like Elle. She was too pure for me, too good. She saw the light in me even though everyone else saw only darkness, she was my everything, my saviour from my darkest moments. She would eventually come out of this unscathed, in a few years time she wouldn't even remember my name, I will just be a dark smudge in her past, a name she doesn't bring up anymore. She'll never be that smudge for me, though, she'll be the memories I hold onto for life, the person I think about to warm my heart. 

 I knew I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye and lie through my teeth about why I was leaving, I could never tell her I didn't love her without sobbing, I could never watch her heart break in front of me and be left unfazed. My only option was to leave. Transfer to a different College, move apartments, leave her to move on from me without saying goodbye. 

 I glance over at where she was sat and felt my heart plummet as my chest tightened, I knew this emotion was sadness. She had taught me that. I knew in the future I would have jealousy gnawing at me too, the same emotion I had suppressed my whole life, as soon as I see her happy with someone else I know I will feel that horrid feeling. 

 We approached the dorms and I had finally finalised the plan in my mind. "Are you coming up, Ace?" Delilah asked hopefully as I pulled into the parking lot. 

 "Uh- I actually have something I need to do. Can you give us a second though?" I asked them and Delilah gave me a reassuring smile before they both slipped out of the car together. I turned to Elle and took her hand into mine, trying not to think about the fact that after this I would just be a stranger to her.

 "Are you okay?" She asked me and I nodded painfully.

 "I'm fine, not that you should be asking me that, I should be asking you," I chuckled and she smiled weakly. "Go with Lil and Kit, they'll look after you. I have something I need to do," I said to her vaguely. 

 "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow," she said to me.

 I nodded wordlessly, not tearing my eyes from her until she began to get out.

 She gave me a smile as she got out of the car, Kit rushing to her side to safely help her out. I had to turn away, I couldn't bear to watch her leave for the final time. It would genuinely shatter my heart to see that. Once she was out, I forced myself to look in her direction and she gave me one last wave which I returned before she hobbled to the entrance of the dorms alongside Delilah and Kit. 

 That was when I broke down.

 I allowed every single emotion to wash through me, tears spilled from my eyes and I allowed them. I was finally happy, I had finally found the one person who made me happy and it was cruelly ripped from me. I had never felt so many emotions at once but I allowed them to all flood over me.

 There was a light knock at my window and I looked up, through glassed over eyes I saw Delilah stood at my car door, tears slipping down her cheeks also. She slid into the car and wordlessly threw her arms around me as I cried into her shoulder, soaking through her thin cable knit jumper with my pathetic tears. "You're doing the right thing for her, Ace. It's a saying, you know? If you love someone, set them free," she said to me as she stroked her hand through my hair.

 "It hurts so bad," I spoke through my tears, my voice coming out cracked and raspy.

 "I know, but we've got her," she promised, and I believed her. "What will you do?"

 I pulled away from her embrace, drying my wet cheeks with the sleeves of my jacket. "I'm leaving tonight. Packing up my bags and moving, I'm going to transfer to another college. I need to get away from her because I won't be able to help myself but see her if I stay," I admitted and she nodded.

 "Can we still see you?" She asked in a small, fragile voice. 

 I nodded. "I can't lose you and Kit too. You're like my siblings," I smiled through my tears. "But I've got to do this, for myself and for Elle."

 Delilah and I sat in my car for another half an hour, I ran through my plan and how her and Kit could help. I told her I would be shutting down my phone number so that Elle couldn't contact me, but I'd send her and Kit my new contact so I could still speak to them, I told her I would be packing my things today and by tomorrow morning I would be gone. I told her what I needed her and Kit to say to Elle when she woke up the next morning, and I asked her the same thing I'd asked Kit. To keep her safe.

 "Okay?" I asked her as I finished explaining and she nodded.

 "I've got it," she said and then dropped her head. "I'm going to miss you being here with us. I'm going to miss you and Elle too," she told me and I nodded.

 "I'll miss it all so much," I replied. "I love you, Lil, you know that right?"

 A sob escaped Delilah's lips as she reached over and gave me a hug. "You've never said that to me before," she observed, her chest heaving up and down as she sobbed. "I love you too, Ace. Keep yourself safe, okay? And call me or Kit if you ever get lonely, we'd be happy to visit wherever you end up," she told me.

 "I will."

 We hugged for a few more minutes until Delilah climbed out of the car I pulled myself together and gave Delilah a final wave before I took one last glance at the dorms before I pulled off and began driving back to my apartment to pack up my whole life.