Song for this chapter - Raw by Daye Jack

Ignoring the latest news I've received, I spend the rest of the day with Jake.

We skate downtown, go to the rock wall where we watch the whales and dolphins, before getting take-away hot chips and sitting down at the beach.

The sun is shining, the breeze is cool and the boy I love is with me and no longer afraid of being together. Today is a good day. Except for the one, niggling thought of the fact that I'm possibly, most-definitely going to a different country for my entire senior year of schooling. And Jake is not going to handle it well.

This was something I wanted so much but never thought I'd achieve. Now, it's here, I got it and it's made everything... complicated. I don't want to lose Jake, but I know it would be the most incredible opportunity for me.

"That is the third sigh in twenty minutes," Jake points out. "What's on your mind?"

I half-shrug, reluctant to tell him because I don't want to ruin how perfect everything has been between us.

"Thinking of the future. Making me stressed."

"Why?" he asks. "We don't need to stress about that now. We've got time."

I lean my head onto his shoulder.

We really don't. Not anymore.

***

Ma blinks at me in surprise and Ellie stands there, her mouth in an O-shape.

"That's amazing!" Ma blurts at the same time Ellie squeals.

Ellie rushes around the kitchen bench to squash me into a rib-breaking hug. She squeezes one more time and I let out a groan.

"What an incredible opportunity!" she gushes. "Having that on your resume at such a young age would do wonders for you!"

"Yeah, it would," I agree.

"Why are you not screaming with joy?" she exclaims, reaching for my hands and shaking my arms. They flop like soggy noodles in her grip. "You've wanted this for so long. I remember helping you write the essay for it. We stayed up so many nights perfecting it. You worked so hard!"

"I know," I say and my voice is so flat it's hard to listen to.

"Cal?" Ma questions with concern. "Are you having second thoughts?"

"Oh," Ellie says softly, an understanding look falling across her face. "Jake."

Ma begins to stammer words that blend together and don't make much sense, before she lets out a weird splutter sound.

"Please don't tell me you're not considering this once in a life-time opportunity for that boy," she manages to get out after a few painful moments. "Callum, you worked so hard for this."

"I love him." I whisper, my lower lip trembling.

Ellie makes a soft sound, touching my shoulder, as Ma frowns at me.

"It's only for a year. Not even, ten months, isn't it? Eleven? That's nothing. The time will go by in a blur!" she says. "You'll be back before you know it."

I hang my head, pathetic tears slipping down my cheeks.

"I don't want to leave him," I sob. "I've worked so hard to get us to where we are, it will ruin everything."

"Oh, Callum!" Ma huffs in annoyance, planting her hands on her hips.

Ellie leans down so that we're eye level. She places a gentle hand to my face, thumbing my tears away.

"I know he feels like everything to you. The centre of your world. And he is, pretty much. But please think this through. This is honestly an incredible opportunity for you. And like Ma said, it's not quite a year. He would wait for you because he loves you. You really would be back with him before you know it."

I cry harder. Ma tsks at me, walking away and Ellie wraps her arms around me. I lean into her.

"I want to go so bad but I can't leave him, El."

She rubs my back. "Sleep on it, think it through and don't make any rash decisions, okay? We'll sort it out."

I nod, wiping at my eyes. "I feel ridiculous."

"Don't," she assures me. "I would have been devastated to leave Haze. It would have broken my heart. But you're not going for good. Just a few months."

"Eleven months, El. A lot can happen in a year."

"Yeah, it can. But your love for each other will never change."

"I hope not," I say miserably, staring down at the key ring I'm holding in my hand, the world, with the letter of our names scrawled on it in Jake's writing. "It will absolutely destroy me, if it does."

***

The more I think about travelling for my senior year, the more excited I get about it. Until I remember Jake won't be with me and my heart splinters for the thousandth time. I'm sure I'm going to need stitches by the end of the day, my heart can't handle the pain.

The conversation is going to be the most painful thing I've ever endured. No, scratch that, leaving him, will be the most painful. I honestly don't know if I can go through with it. Someone might have to drag me, kicking and screaming.

Ma storms back into the kitchen and I brace myself. The lecture begins. She goes on about wasting something great for something that could be temporary, painfully reminding me of the heart break I've endured through with Jake already. I block her out as she continues, getting louder and angrier with each word.

Finally, realising she won't get a reaction out of me, she stomps from the kitchen and out the back, Charlie offering me a sad look, before trotting out behind her.

"Let's get out of here," Ellie says, grabbing her keys and coat.

Ellie's in her car today, as Haze is back at home. It's filled with her scent and something fruity-like.

"Hamburger?" she questions.

"You read my mind."

We order and drive to the look out. We manage to snag a table in the sun, overlooking the rolling waves. It's warm enough at the moment to take off our coats. I don't have much of an appetite but I force myself to eat anyway.

"Where's your head at?" she asks me.

"Currently in an apocalyptic-state."

She tucks a loose bit of her blonde hair behind her eat and gazes out at the water. She chews thoughtfully, a crease in her brow.

"You still want to go into teaching after school?" she asks.

"Yep. I want to be qualified to teach English, History and Geography, but also want to try and study mathematics and PDHPE."

"That'll keep you busy."

"The university also offers a master in religious education which I thought could be interesting. I want to be able to teach everything, basically."

"Well, you're smart enough, that's for sure."

"Thanks."

"You know that means this program would give you experience that would put you well ahead of everyone else, right?" she asks.

"I know."

"Here's an idea. You say yes because you know it's the best thing for you. Tell them from the get go you want to be able to fly back at some point to visit. You could try and organise it for the formal? Come back for a week or two, see Jake, live through your formal because that's a rite-of-passage everyone should be able to do. You might be able to fly back twice? Break it up so that you're not seeing each other only for a couple months at a time, not the eleven months exclusive."

"That's a good idea."

"Just an option, anyway. Jake is the only reason you're having doubts, right?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Why don't we call or email them today and see what we can negotiate?" she asks. "You're only sixteen, they're going to have to be lenient about visiting your family."

"You'd think so."

"We'll work it out," she smiles at me, before taking a big chunk of her burger. She grins at me, her mouth stuffed full. "Damn, this is good. I've missed the burgers here."

"Classy," I wrinkle my nose at her.

"I'm really glad you're happy, Cal. Except for, you know, the stress of this program."

"Thanks. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions with Jake but we're finally at a good place. That's why I'm so stressed. It's taken a lot to get us to where we are now."

"I know exactly how you must be feeling. It's a big decision. You know you'll regret it, though, if you don't do it."

I stare down at my key chain, again. I trace my thumb over J.

"Yeah," I say softly. "I know."

***

"Callum!" Jake skids around the corner and someone in the distance yells out "skrrt" as he does, which makes me laugh. He barely halts in time as he reaches me, breathless. "Cal, hey."

"Hi," I smile at him. "What's going on?"

"Look!"

He shoves a piece of paper under my nose. I take it from him and stare down at it.

"Is this your essay about Romeo and Juliet?" I ask him, looking at the paragraphs that I know he spent hours writing.

"Oops, wrong page," he pants, quickly fumbling through his folder. "Look!"

I glance down at the bright red B that sits in the corner. My mouth drops as I stare at it. Jake lets out a whoop and leans in, kissing me right in the hallway where everyone is walking between class change over.

"Oh my God," I say. "You did it, J."

"I've never gotten a mark that high in my life," he beams at me.

The smile on his face and the shine in his eyes are magical.

"You did good, babe," I grin at him. "I'm so proud of you."

I wrap my arm around him tightly, looking down at the paper again.

"Turns out I could maybe be smart."

"You are smart," I tell him.

His grin widens as he takes back his essay and places it in his folder. "Janet is going to be so happy."

I hug him again and this time it's a hard, long one. He hugs me back.

How the hell am I going to tell him? Everything is so perfect.

He takes my hand in his and starts talking about his other assignment he's doing. I can't believe how motivated he is, considering last year he wouldn't have so much as brought a pen to school.

My heart sinks inside my chest as I watch him.

What the hell am I going to do?

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Happy Sunday! Where's your head at about Cal's plans? How do you think Jake will react?

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