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Jake's POV:

It seems like I suddenly hate every piece of clothing that I own.

I must have tried and re-tried every outfit on twice. I simply don't know what to wear when meeting someone who is technically my mother, but hasn't been a 'mother' for a long time. I don't know who she is. I shouldn't even care about any of this. She left us and I stopped thinking about it a long time ago. But here I am, standing in front of the mirror, suddenly questioning what outfit is really 'me' and why this even matters.

A soft knock on the door yanks me out of my thoughts. Callum smiles softly at me as he leans on the doorframe.

"Need some help?"

He looks great, as usual. Callum seems to make really basic clothes look effortlessly good.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing looks good on me," I mutter.

Callum scoffs as he strolls towards me. "Everything looks good on you. It's sort of annoying, actually."

A smile almost reaches my lips. That's exactly what I think about him.

"This shirt is stupid."

"Just be yourself, J," he says, pulling out a white t-shirt and a denim overlay. "This is more you."

I pull off the button-up with relief, the collar was making me feel claustrophobic.

After I've pulled the new option of clothing on, Callum bundles my hands in his. He brings his lips to my knuckles and kisses softly. I relax at that and sigh, feeling more at ease with his warm fingers tangled with mine.

"Okay. Let's do this."

Ellie and Callum look pretty and perfect as usual and I roll my eyes when Haze and I end up wearing the same outfit but with different coloured shirts. We are painstakingly predictable.

There's tension amongst us as we drive to the restaurant. Nervous, jittery energy suffocating us. Callum's hand warms my knee and stops it from jiggling.

"How are you feeling?" Ellie asks, twisting to look back at Callum and I, before shifting her eyes to Haze, who is driving.

"Don't feel anything," Haze says, with a hint of aggression in his tone.

"Nothing," I lie.

"Hungry," Callum unnecessarily pipes up.

"Right," Ellie says disbelievingly.

When we step outside the car, Ellie silently walks around to Haze's side and they speak for a few moments. I turn away when she brings him into a hug.

Callum presses his arm over my head so that it is leaning on the car and kisses me on the cheek. His forehead is pressed into the side of my face and it's a comfort I didn't know I was craving. We stay like that for a few moments before we walk into the restaurant. After a quick scan, it appears Debra isn't here yet. I'm not sure if that makes me feel worse or if it's a relief to have a few more minutes to prepare myself.

"Is there a reservation under Haze?" Ellie asks the girl behind the counter with eyebrows thicker than the milkshake I had with lunch.

"Let me have a look," she replies, thrumming her finger over the iPad screen. "Yes, table for five. We have you located in the back. Follow me."

She leads through the main area to a more secluded spot near the back-right hand corner. I wipe and re-wipe my palms on my jeans at least a dozen times. I don't know why I feel so anxious about this.

Callum rests his hand on my shoulder and I release a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

"Are you all right, Jake?" Ellie asks with concern. "You're looking a little pale."

"I sort of feeling like I might throw up," I admit.

"Really?" she exclaims in alarm.

"I'll be fine."

I look to Haze who appears to be more collected than myself, but if you look hard enough, you can see the strain. This is affecting him just as much as it is me.

Ellie's draws in a sharp breath and I turn in my seat. Debra is walking towards the table. She's in a black dress, her dark hair falling in waves down her shoulders.

"She is stunning," Ellie says in awe.

She has done things in her life that has made her age before her time, but you can still see the beauty in her face. She looks a lot like Haze.

"Hello," she greets us.

Haze looks like he swallowed something without chewing it enough so Ellie quickly intervenes, getting to her feet and rounding the table.

"Hi Debra! I'm Ellie."

They do a slightly awkward hug as Debra begins to tell her how beautiful she is. Haze still looks like he's in pain so Callum dives in next.

"Hello again," he says politely, taking her hand.

"Jakey," she smiles, urging me to come forward but I stay where I am. I stood up with intentions of going to her but my feet remain firmly planted on the floor. She ends up coming to me and wraps her slender arms around me.

So, this is what it feels like to be hugged by your mother. Awkward, bony, and too much perfume.

All eyes fall to Haze now who has finally got to his feet. He's frozen, a mixed look of confusion, fascination, and anger on his face. It's hard to watch.

"Everett," she whispers.

He swallows, before slowly moving forward. She brings him into a hug. He towers over her but bends so that her arms can reach over his shoulders. When she steps back, her eyes are watering.

"You've grown into such a beautiful person, Everett," she says. "I'm so proud of you." Debra wipes at her eyes and smiles. "I missed you so much."

I felt my own eyes begin to sting, when Haze kicks his chair, causing a loud bang. We all jump, startled.

"Don't you fucking say that to me," he spits at her. "You fucking left. You don't have a right to me miss or be proud of me or feel anything."

Ellie's gasps in shock at the words, her hand flying over her mouth. Debra looks like she's been slapped.

"Everett–"

"It's Haze," he snaps. "No one calls me that fucking name."

A sob tears from her and she looks around to us, unsure what to do or say.

"I can't do this," he says, raking a hand through his. "Sorry, I just... this is too fucked up. I'm out."

Haze stalks from the table and the restaurant door bangs shut loudly behind him. Ellie gently lays a hand on Debra's shoulder, before darting after Haze.

She sinks into a chair, crying into her hands.

"Mum?" I say.

She peers through the cracks of fingers and cries even harder. "I haven't heard the word be directed to me in a long time."

Slowly, I sit down.

"I'll go get everyone a drink," Callum says quietly, groping at any excuse to leave. I plead at him to stay with my eyes but he gives me an encouraging smile before leaving.

"He hates me," she whispers brokenly. "You both do."

"I don't hate you," I reply.

"You don't?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

"You know that's why I went to you. Your brother..." she looks to the door. "There's too much pain there. I've done too much damage."

"He raised me. He hid me from dad when things were bad and he got me out when it was worse than bad. He saved my life."

Her crying is drawing attention now but I ignore the stares. I lean back in my seat and fold my arms across my chest.

"You left us with a man who abused us and Haze spent the best years of his life looking after me and taking the brunt of it. You can't blame him for being angry."

"How can I make this right?" she whispers.

I push to my feet. "I don't know, but I hope you figure it out."

With that, I walk to Callum who is hovering near the bar. I take his hand and pull him after me out the door, without a backward glance.


***


Haze was gone when we got to the car, but he had told Ellie he was heading home and needed to walk it off. I drove us back to the house. Ellie, Callum, and I now sit in the lounge room. The T.V is on but no one is watching it. I wrap the blanket tighter over my shoulders and stare at the ground, repeating tonight's disaster dinner in my mind.

"That was a very hard thing to stand by tonight," Ellie finally says. "How are you feeling, Jake?"

"I don't know."

"Should I order some pizzas?" Callum asks.

"That would be great," Ellie nods. "Do you feel up to eating?"

"Yeah," I answer, even though I still feel sick from everything and definitely don't have an appetite.

When the pizzas are delivered, Haze still hasn't returned. We put a movie on and settle around the coffee table. Ellie looks to the door every few seconds. After a few minutes, the front door opens.

"We ordered pizza and put a movie on," Ellie says. "If you'd like to join."

A look of relief flashed across his face. We all know better than to try and ask him about his feelings. He nods. She moves and opens her arm and Haze tucks in beside her. The look of torment passes from him as he relaxes beside her. He buries his face into her side and I look away, chewing but not tasting the food.

As I peer around the room, I smile to myself.

This is my family now and I couldn't ask for a better one.


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