Callum's POV:

For the next two weeks, I eat, sleep, study and repeat.

Immersing myself into school is the only thing keeping my mind distracted. I've been trying to avoid my friends as much as possible because Kat hates Lena, Lena hates Kat, Spud is best friends with Jake now and Bec for some reason reminds me of the night everything went wrong. Basically, I just hate myself and don't want to be around anyone.

I'm so far ahead of my study schedule that I feel like I've taught the entire syllabus to myself already. I've completed my second assessment, even though it isn't due for another month. It's quite satisfying to be so organised but I also fear it might reach a point where I run out and everything will catch up to me. But then I remember it's university and it's extremely overwhelming and no matter what, I will always be stressed and have something to do. Which is kind of a good thing right now.

I've also joined the university gym and have been attempting to go three afternoons a week, which makes me feel both mentally and physically better when I've finished. It's mainly at night, trying to fall asleep, when everything starts to gnaw at me and my insides feel like they're shrivelling up.

After I walk into our apartment, I toss my bag at the end of my bed and kick my shoes off. Spud appears from the shower, his hair flattened and sagging down his shoulders from the water.

"Hey dude," he greets me with a goofy grin.

"Hey Spud."

I beeline to the fridge and reach for a coke. I feel a bit lost. It's Friday night and I always have something to do, but since I've been avoiding everyone, I don't have any plans. I'm getting a bit over having my head jammed in a textbook.

"What are you up to?" I ask Spud when he's in the loungeroom later, sliding his Vans onto his feet.

"I'm heading to the football game. It's their first one of the season."

"The university football team?" I question.

"Nah, the local Westcom team."

"Oh," I say.

"I'd ask you to come, but, I'm going to watch Jake," he explains awkwardly. "You can still come, though. If you want to."

"Jake's playing football?" I ask in surprise.

"Yeah."

We stare at each other in an awkward silence, before Spud heads back to his room to finish getting organised. I pull my phone out and with trembling fingers, I dial Jake's number.

"Callum," he says upon answering and his voice makes me feel all tingly.

God, I miss him so much.

"Hey," I say softly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, um, Spud just told me about your game tonight and, well, I was hoping to come watch you. But if you'd rather me not be there, I understand."

He's quiet and I begin twisting my fingers together to the point it becomes painful.

"Um," he eventually says. "Yeah, sure. I guess."

"You can say no. I don't want to distract you or you know, if you don't want to see me..."

"It's fine, we don't have to speak."

My heart sinks.

"It doesn't have to be that way, J."

I hear the slight intake of breath as I say my nickname for him and I close my eyes, feeling pained.

"You kind of made it that way."

"We need to try and get to some sort of resolution here. Can we aim for friends?"

He lets out a sound, a mixture between a scoff and a laugh. "Friends? We've never been friends." He exhales, then. "Look, I'm not doing this. Come if you want to come, but don't attend for me."

He hangs up swiftly after that and I stare at my phone, fighting off the tears threatening to escape.

"Spud?" I call out.

"Yeah?" he replies, his hand on the door handle.

"Is it all right if I come? I just spoke to Jake."

Spud gives me a kind smile. "Sure, I'll wait."

It's a ten-minute tram right to the fields. I texted Bec, asking her to meet me there. Kat's back home for the weekend and I haven't spoken to Lena all this week, so I didn't bother to reach out to either of them.

The grandstand is packed when we arrive but we came prepared. We walk over near the sidelines and set up our camping chairs. Spud also brought a small bag which we filled with beer and a few packets of chips.

The announcer begins speaking, telling us a brief history of the club, who is playing tonight and what sponsors helped support the event. I zone out pretty quickly, scanning the field, waiting for the players to appear.

"Hey!" Bec greets me and I get up to give her a hug.

I help set up her chair and she sits beside me, after saying hello to Spud.

"How are we?" he nods at her.

"Fine thanks," she smiles. "I didn't expect there to be such a large crowd!"

"People really love football," I shrug.

The visitors run onto the field first and then the Westcom team. I look for him instantly and when I see him, my stomach clenches. I shouldn't have come. Sitting here, being near him but not with him is excruciating.

A light hand rests on my shoulder and I exhale, resting my hand over hers for a moment.

"You okay?" Bec asks.

"Yep."

"Liar," she smiles.

"Just keep drinking," Spud says to me. "You'll feel better."

I sit back into my chair and take a long sip. I spot Rhett out on the field and resist the urge to hurl my beer can at his head. I refuse to look at him, which isn't hard to do, considering Jake demands all of my attention. Jake's easy to watch. He crosses the field effortlessly and easily avoids attacks. He looks fit out there. Just before half-time, he scores, sending the grandstand into a wild uproar. They are now 2-1, leading.

"He plays pretty good," Spud nods.

"He does."

"He's really nice to look at," Bec sighs and then flushes a dark red when she realises what she said and the fact that it was out loud. "Oh my God. Pretend I didn't just say that."

Spud chokes on his beer. I laugh, but also want to kind of die because I agree and that was mine and I fucking ruined it.

Half-time is only short and the boys are back playing soon after. The second half is a bit more exciting, each scoring two each but in the end, the Westcom team come out one in front.

We hang around a bit after the game and I begin to feel nervous. It's been a couple weeks since we've seen each other and it feels like a long, painful life time that we've spent a part. It also only feels like yesterday I was in his arms. It's twisted and cruel and fucking painful.

Jake emerges from the change rooms, still wearing his uniform and covered in sweat and mud. He locates us and heads over to where we're standing and I pretty much have stopped breathing.

"Great game!" Bec grins at him.

"Thanks."

"Here you go, bud." Spud passes him a peer and Jake pierces the side of it and as the beer sprays from it, he places his mouth over it and drains the entire can at once. It's pretty hot.

"What are we doing now?" Spud asks when a silence falls and Jake is looking everywhere but at me.

"There's a party, at one of the boy's houses," he explains. "I was going to invite you," he says to Spud and then clears his throat. "Um, all of you."

"Really?" I can't help but blurt.

He finally lifts his eyes to mine and the air between us literally feels like it's crackling. I forget who we're with, where we are and what we're doing. His eyes take up everything and I want them to never look away from mine.

"Yes."

I'm feeling lightheaded and I think that's because I haven't breathed for a while.

I look to the others to realise they're not standing with us. They've wandered over to the hot dog stand and I have no idea when they did that.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"It's a party, Callum," he says hotly and I wince at the harsh use of my name. "Come or don't come. Whatever."

"Do you want me to?"

"No," he huffs.

I can't help but smile. "You want me to come."

"I do not," he argues but won't look at me again.

"Then why did you tell me about it?"

"He goes to walk away but looks back for a moment. "Wear that white shirt I got you. With the skull on it."

I press my lips together, trying my hardest not to beam at him. "Okay."

"You look good it in," he mutters, before storming back towards the changerooms.

Grinning to myself, I feel a tiny, small bit of the pain ebb away.

He wants me to come tonight.

He still cares.

***

I'm glad I came out tonight. Mainly, because Jake wanted me here. And that's enough to put a smile on my face.

It's kind of hard to watch Jake float around the party, laughing, making friends, having a good time without me but there's also a part of me that is happy for him. It's a confusing feeling.

I've been sitting with a guy name Toby for a while, recognising his face from one of my classes. I'm a little unsettled, worried Jake might assume the wrong thing, but Jake hasn't been paying too much attention to me, really. Bec and Toby have been the ones talking the most, anyway.

A fair amount of decent songs have been playing and I've enjoyed kicking back and listening to them. It's interesting, watching everyone mingle and dance around me, all different stages of drunk.

After a few minutes, I begin to feel like I'm intruding Bec and Toby's conversation and being that annoying third wheel that won't take the hint – not that Bec would be thinking that at all – but I excuse myself regardless.

When I'm refilling my drink, I spot Lena – she's hard to miss, looking as gorgeous as ever – standing in the corner of the room, laughing at something the guy is saying to her. I half-panic and rush from the kitchen. I really like Lena, but I don't want to deal with the conversation of why I have been avoiding her and I don't want to give Jake any further reason to get upset.

I escape upstairs to find it much quieter, a lot less crowded and I can breathe again. I wander into the bathroom and splash some cold water into my face.

A knock startles me and I shout that someone is in here. The door opens anyway. I'm leaning heavily onto the sink, water dripping down my skin, my eyes closed. But by the crackling tension that's suddenly filled the air, tells me it's Jake. I don't have to see him to know it's him.

"Cal," he whispers and a shiver runs down my spine.

This reminds me of the times he followed me into bathrooms back at some of our high school parties and proceeded to make me feel all kind of things. Things I've been yearning to feel with him again so desperately.

"J," I croak back.

He stands so close that I feel the warmth of his skin. I hold my breath.

He reaches out, his fingers dragging down my back, slowly and seductively. Within seconds I'm feeling breathless and light-headed and my God I've missed his touch.

"I've missed you," I can barely get the words out.

He spins me around and his mouth is on mine. I lose myself in the kiss instantly, sinking my hairs into his locks, tangling them tightly, hoping I'll never have to let them go again. Jake's strong hands hold my face, firmly but gently at the same time. His hard body pressed against mine makes me whimper into the kiss with longing.

There's so much pain and anger in the kiss. It's disorientating. Angry that we're not together, hurt over stupid things, aching not having each other's touch.

Jake pries my shirt off and I am quick to aid him. His shirt is already gone and I don't remember if I did it or if he did. My hands trace his defined muscles and I sigh in content at the feel of them. His skin on my skin.

Everything about it is fast, intense and passionate.

We're exhausted, sweating and breathless, both collapsing to the floor.

There's so much I want to say.

He runs a hand through his hair and removes the sweat on his forehead. I lean over, placing a hand on his.

"I love you."

Jake jerks from me and it's like he slapped me. He recoils, quickly stumbling to his feet and yanking his jeans up his legs.

Fuck. No.

No, no, no.

"Jake, please," I beg as I scramble to stand, reaching for him.

He shakes his head, looking pissed off. I'm not sure if he's angry at letting himself have a moment of weakness or if the anger is still at me.

Probably both.

Definitely both.

"Jake!" I say again and my eyes are burning. "I love you. I'm not sorry about that and I'm not sorry about what just happened."

He opens the door and I stare pleadingly at him. He slams the door shut. Opens it again and slams it even more forcefully.

"I fucking hate you!" he screams at me so forcefully that I shrink back. Tears crash down his face and he begins to sob and it is the most terrible thing to witness. The pain is so obvious on his face. I feel my insides crumbling. I turn into a heaving mess, my vision so blurred I can't see anything. "I fucking hate you and I fucking hate that I love you," he's crying so hard now that he's holding the wall to keep himself upright. "Why did you do that to me? How could you destroy us? After everything?"

My body collapses to the floor and I bury my face into my heads.

"Just tell me one thing," he chokes out.

"What?"

"He said it happened more than once."

I shake my head so hard that I actually strain a muscle. "It was only once. It was a stupid kiss."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. I have no idea why he said that. I guess to make things worse, obviously, but I promise that was a lie. Not that my promise means much to you anymore..." I trail off in defeat.

"Was it worth it?" he snaps at me. "That one fucking moment? Was it worth it?"

"You know the answer to that."

"Say it."

"It was not worth it," I spit through gritted teeth. "It is the worst mistake of my entire life and I will never forgive myself."

Jake breathes hard, his eyes closed, his fists clenched.

"Fuck!" he screams, launching his fist straight though the wall.

I bleakly stare at him, my eyes sore and my body fatigued. I can't react. I can't move.

I silently watch as he storms out of the bathroom, the door banging behind him as he goes.

I have no idea how much time has passed but my body is stiff and my face is still puffy. A guy strolls in, a beer in one hand, his phone in the other. He freezes, taking in my messy face and the fact that I'm curled on the floor. He then glances to the hole in the wall.

"Dude," he says slowly. "What the hell happened in here?"

----------------

What are your thoughts?

I hope you've all been staying okay during all of this. I've ben enjoying isolation for more than I should lmao

I've started to make some tik tok book recommendations if you're interested in checking them out and I've also been posted a lot of bookish content on my Instagram! laurenj_22

Also, The Fiction Awards 2020 are live! Thank you so much to those of you who have nominated Jake and Callum in categories that you think they're worthy of. It means the world to me. If you'd like to vote, all you have to do is go to this book and follow the guidelines!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜