i'm crying. totally not ok rn.

 It's almost two in the afternoon and I haven't moved from my position of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

I've never felt anything like this. Numb and empty. The worst part of it all is my own words to myself. This whole thing is my fault and it's making my mind go into a dark place that it's never been before.

"You alive in there?" Spud calls out to me.

"Barely," I croak back.

"Do you need anything?" he asks after a moment.

"A noose."

"Come on, man. You'll get through this."

"I don't deserve to."

Spud is quiet for a few moments. "I'm going to the shops. Text me if you think of anything you need."

"Thanks."

I hear the front door close and I exhale heavily. I peel myself from my mattress and my body cracks harshly. I wince and reach for my phone. There are so many notifications. I ignore them all because the only notification I want isn't there.

Knowing it won't do me any good, I dial Jake's number. It goes straight to voice mail which means it's flat, he's out of service or he's blocked me. I'd like to hope it's one of the first two.

I open my windows to let some air in before I shower. I let the cold-water soak through my hair and run down my skin. Body-wrenching sobs wrack through me to the point I grip the wall to stay upright.

I've just dressed when I hear a knock. My heart soars at the possibility of it being Jake.

"Hey," Ellie greets me.

"Hey?" I question.

"I'm glad to see you out of bed and looking okay," she says. "Haze just spoke to Jake."

I step back and she walks inside, a look of concern etched on her face.

"I've only just gotten up."

"I won't ask how you're doing."

"Thanks."

"Let's take a walk."

I don't protest. I throw my wallet into my back pocket and my room key in the other. I follow her down the stairs and squint into the bright light, my eyes needing a few moments to adjust.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I nod. "Yes. But I'm the one in the wrong and I'm not looking to be chastised. I'm doing that fine on my own."

"Okay."

I blow out a breath and give her a recap of what happened. I respect that she doesn't show any signs of judgment as she listens.

"I'm not defending what you did because I'm not going to comment on it, but you have to remember that we're only human Cal and you made a mistake. This mistake is going to live with you for the rest of your life. You might have lost everything because of it but now you'll know to never let yourself have a moment of weakness. In a way, it's kind of good you learned that now. Could you imagine being in this situation after you're married and have kids? Think about how much worse it could be."

I listen to her words carefully. "You're right. It definitely has been a life lesson. I'll never, ever do anything like this again."

She gently touches my shoulder. "Even though the whole thing is terrible, you must feel relieved this isn't hanging over your head anymore."

"I do, but it hasn't even been a full day and I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through this."

"I know what you mean. It's the worst feeling in the world," she sighs. "You're going to feel pain you've never known before."

"I already am."

"The best thing you can do is give him space. Keep yourself busy, don't let your work get on top of you. Things will work out in time," she assures me gently.

I nod. "Let's hope so."

We continue walking, circling right around town. We call it quits when my shoes begin to rub the back of my heels. We order takeaway for dinner. I feel lost when Ellie heads back home. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore.

After I eat, I force myself to go to the library and get some work done. I need to distract my mind from the pain.

Since my call earlier today, I haven't tried reaching out to Jake again. I decide to send one more text and then leave it. No point harassing him. I need to listen to Ellie and give him space.

Callum: I hope you're okay and that we can talk soon. I love you so much. I hope you know that.

I press send and put my phone away. I immerse myself in my book, trying to get myself ahead in the weekly readings.

"Hey you," a voice startles me.

"Hey," I smile at Lena who fills the empty seat beside me. "How are you?"

"Hungover," she admits with a groan. "Did you end up coming back to the party last night? I didn't see you?"

I shake my head. "I had a thing come up."

"Hope everything is okay," she says with a kind smile. I'm unsure what to reply because everything is definitely not okay, but I don't really want to go into it either.

"Shush!" a cross-looking girl down the end of our table frowns at us.

"You shush!" Lena snaps back.

The girl glares at us. She dramatically gathers her things and stomps away from the table.

"Anyway," Lena shrugs, planting her chin in the palm of her hand, directing her golden gaze to me. "What are you up to after this?"

"No plans," I reply. "Trying to keep myself distracted."

"From what?"

"I'm going through a breakup."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's a bit of a mess," I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.

"I have the perfect remedy for a broken heart," she grins at me. "Come on, let's go."

"Where are we going?" I ask.

She doesn't answer but instead helps me put my textbook and laptop into my bag. The amount of people in the library has significantly thinned out since I arrived. I glance at the clock and am surprised to see I was here for almost two hours.

"We're going into town?" I question as she leads me the opposite direction of the on-campus living area.

"Yep, have you got your Go Card on you?"

"Sure do."

A ten-minute tram ride drops us in front of a BWS store.

"I thought you were hungover?"

"Nothing cures a hangover like drinking," she winks at me.

"Fair call."

After getting a six-pack each, Lena leads me down a sandy path to the beach. The wind claps in my face a little harshly but it feels oddly satisfying.

"Are you cold?" I ask her.

"Nope!"

She runs ahead, her raven-coloured hair flying like a cape behind her. She throws her head back, letting out a loud laugh.

"Don't you love the feel of the sand in between your toes?" she shouts back to me, a wild look in her eyes. Her behaviour is contagious. My shoes are kicked off, my drinks plonked in the sand and soon, I'm jetting after her.

We run around each other, sometimes dipping our feet in, other times trying to catch the other person. We breathlessly fall to the sand in laughter.

"Cheers," she grins at me and we clink our glass-bottles together.

She flicked the bottle in one-fluid motion and then skulls the entirety of it. I watched open-mouthed as she does.

"What!" I gasp.

"Hmm?" she peers over at me.

"What was that?" I exclaim.

"A torpedo."

"A what?"

"A torpedo," she laughs in amusement. "Have you never heard of it?"

"No?"

"Here, I'll show you," she fishes out another bottle. "So, you flick the bottle, as so," she demonstrates. "And then," she lifts the bottle to her lips and the entire drink is yet again consumed in one go. "Wah-lah!" she grins. "It's the best and most effective way to ensure you get drunk as fast as possible." She screws her face up for a moment. "Oh man. That is a whole lot of fizz."

"You've blown my mind," I laugh. "I'm so impressed right now."

"It's easy!" she grins. "Have a go."

After a steadying breath, I do the same motion she did and then tilt my head back, opening my throat. The alcohol tears through with fierceness. My eyes burn and I cough once it's finished and slap my chest.

"Jesus," I croak.

"You did it!" she claps at me and laughs. "Nicely done."

I try it once more and within a few minutes, I can feel the alcohol taking effect. My stomach feels bubbly and full but I continue to drink. Lena downs her drinks faster than I've ever seen and I try my best to keep up with her. Soon enough, we're both up again, running across the sand wildly.

"I dare you to jump in!" she yells to me.

"No way!"

She rolls her eyes. "Fine then, I will!"

She pulls her dress over her head and I gape at her. "Lena!"

"Catch me if you can!" she bolts towards the water.

A part of me realises how dangerous this is but there's the more prominent part that doesn't really care. I yank my shirt over my head and follow her into the dark water. It's icy cold and stings my skin the further in I go.

"I love that you're as reckless as I am," she grins.

"I can be easily talked into things," I reply, standing beside her.

She loops her long arm around my shoulders and jumps. I catch her, staggering a little and almost sending us both into the water. I tighten my hold as she winds her legs around me.

"Lena," I breathe as a small wave crashes into us. "I have to tell you, my break up is with another guy."

"You're gay?" she asks in surprise.

"Yeah."

"Really?" she raises her brows. I can smell the alcohol on her breath but her eyes are clear as she looks to me. Well, as much as I can see of them in the dim lighting. "I really don't see it, Cal."

"I get that a lot."

"Are you one-hundred percent gay?" she grins at me, moving so that her fingers are splayed in my hair.

My breath stilts momentarily as I realise, for the first time, I'm attracted to a girl. My eyes drop to her lips.

"I don't think anyone is ever one-hundred percent anything, are they?"

She closes the gap between us. Her lips are cold and salty from the sea. I run my hands down her sides and it feels so weird to me. Her body is small and petite and smooth and feminine.

A larger wave this time topples us sideways and we part. I emerge, my nose burning and my eyes stinging. I reach for her and drag her to her feet. We stumble back up the beach and I haven't caught my breath when she kisses me again. We fall down and she straddles me.

Lena leaves a trail of kisses down my chest and I begin to feel even shorter of breath. I grip the sand beside me as she lowers her mouth.

"Oh," I struggle to speak.

My head is swimming by the time she's finished. She collapses beside me.

"I'm not expecting anything, I know you're gay. I just wanted you to experience that."

She kisses me cheek and pulls my arm so that it's wrapped around her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I breathe. "Thanks."

"I'd love to stay here but I'm so cold right now," she says through chattering teeth. "Let's get out of here."

I collect the empty bottles in my arms and throw them in the recycling bin near the car park. We're dripping wet as we stand on the tram, shivering. We definitely didn't think this through.

When we get to my room, we beeline straight for the shower.

"Oh, you're joining me?" I ask her when she steps inside.

She smiles as an answer and reaches for my hand. She brings it to her body and holds it to her. I take things slow as this is all new to me. I know I'm doing this because I'm drunk and I know Jake isn't going to forgive me. I'm doing all of this for the wrong reasons, but I don't think Lena cares.

We stay in the shower until there's no longer hot water.

"Let me find you some dry clothes," I tell her and head into my room.

My heart jerks in my chest when I see Jake standing there. Lena enters behind me, only wearing a towel.

"Wow Callum," Jake says slowly, his eyes darting between the two of us. "That didn't take long."

I'm speechless. I can't believe he's here. I thought I wouldn't hear from him...

"Jake. Wait. Jake!" I call out to him as he strides past me, looking soul-crushingly devastated.

"You're such a piece of shit," Jake whispers brokenly to me. "I was coming to terms with everything. I wanted to talk. But I don't even fucking recognise you." Tears pool in his eyes as he shakes his head at me. "I can't believe this."

"Jake, I'm so sorry, I thought you were done with me–"

"I only found out last night!" he spits at me. "You couldn't even wait a day before being with someone else?"

"This isn't... I'm not..." I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I reach for Jake and he spins around. His fist connects with my nose faster than my mind can process. I fall back, hitting the ground hard. Lena squeals and by the time I blink back to reality, Jake is gone.

"Oh my God!" she cries, touching my shoulder. "Your face!"

Lena helps to me to my feet. She throws one of my shirts over her head and guides me to my bed. I tilt back as she holds tissues to my nose, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Are you okay?" she asks me worriedly.

"Nope. I deserved that."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks quietly, chewing her lip.

"No."

"Do you want me to leave?"

I blink back the tears but some escape, falling down my cheeks. With a heavy exhale, I nod, even though the last thing I want to be is alone right now. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Lena scribbles her number down and leaves it on my bedside table.

"Give me a call when you're up to seeing someone," she says, awkwardly hovering by the door. "Sorry. Again."

The front door closes behind her and then, I let myself cry.

I'm dumbfounded by my own stupidity. I somehow made this bad situation so much worse. I hold my head in my hands as I sob.

Jake deserves so much more than this. 

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The world is absolute chaos rn but the one good thing is this is the most writing I've gotten done in months so there's one silver lining in this mess. Thoughts? How do you feel about Cal? What do you think of Lena? What do you think Jake is going to do now?

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