I feel like living.

As I push my arms back and move further into the waters, I feel like truly living. My body is immersed completely in water, every pore and cell soaking in the love it's giving me.

Water has always brought me calm, peace and love. It's almost surreal how my soul listens to the messages the calm ripples the waters give me.

You're here, you're safe, you're alive. They tell me. And I agree, letting a smile radiating from my whole body. Yes, my whole body is smiling. That's the power water has on me.

But my lungs seem too jealous of our connection, so I surface for a while to get some air. As I shake my head to relieve my hair of the water droplets that are attached, I notice Ayansh. He's standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at me. The sun is right behind him, so I can't see his face clearly. I wave my arms at him, asking him to come join me. I can see that he's looking at me, but he's not responding. Weird.

I almost want to get out and come back with him, but the water feels so good and I don't want to leave. So I take a backward dive back into the water and enjoy the ripples. My eyes settle on the sky as I stay afloat. The sky is clear like the board of a classroom that hasn't been opened yet. So clear, cloudless and radiating a piece of peace on its own. I sigh at its beauty when something small hits my hand softly.

It's a fish. At first, I smile, but then I notice it. It's a dead fish. As I raise myself, I see dead fish floating upside down around me everywhere. The clear blue water is now a sea of dead fish as my feet get stuck. I can't move. Panic settles in.

I look up, trying to get Ayansh's help. But he's not alone. There's another man on the top of the cliff. And they're fighting. The man to the left throws punches to Ayansh's face so hard that blood trickles from his hand. And a drop of blood falls on the tip of my nose. My hands shiver as I wipe the droplet, the metallic scent still fresh and haunting. I try to yell out, but my face can't feel anything. I feel myself crying, tears blooming out of my eyes, but my face is stiff like it has been sewn and set.

A deep anxiety settles in with panic as the waters next to me shatters. Someone has jumped. I immediately try to swim to the body now floating up and down from the momentum of the fall, pushing past the sea of dead fish and pulling the restraint my legs feel out of nowhere.

And when I reach out my hands, I see him. Ayansh. His eyes are closed, his mouth is open and bleeding on the side and his breathing is barely there. He looks on the verge of giving up. I want to yell his name and shake him up but nothing happens. My body and mind, we're two different entities.

Without any signal, Ayansh drowns into the water. The transition was so quick it felt like someone's pulling him down. And I immediately follow, unmindful of my incapable lungs and stinging eyes. Underwater, Ayansh is awake. He pulls me to him by his hand and shakes me up and down. And then he hugs me tight, his hand resting on my protruding stomach. It grows under his touch.

I screw my eyes shut at the moment of love I'm feeling in all this trauma. When I open my eyes, Ayansh isn't here. And so is the dead fish waters. Instead, what surrounds me is a sea of blood. My heartbeat rings in my ears as I feel a hand on the back of my neck, forcing me down and down.

I open my mouth, struggling for breath, for life. The pressure of the water closes down on my ears and I let out a voiceless plea for help. My hands beat against the hand that holds me down and my feet kick out in all directions. But nothing, nothing happens. Just the feel of my death comes choking on my throat.

And through the struggling I face, I hear a distinct laugh that I cannot forget even in my deathbed. "A little longer, Princess. I want to see your face as pink as possible."

Through the scorching pain of my eyes, I can see him now. His dark brown eyes and honey-kissed hair goes ironic with the devilish grin of eager on his face. A monster was all I could see from the screen of blood around me.

And then I'm pulled up.

"Hansika!"

***

It takes my eyes the power of weightlifters to open itself. And I do that just for the hand I feel brushing my hair. The soft dandle pulls out every single negative thought like how an ink filler draws ink out. And the soft efforts have made the ink bottle reach its base.

My eyes meet his even before I even adjust to the light. Fresh tears bloom from the ends as I open my mouth to say his name, but nothing comes out.

Ayansh shushes me as he presses a silent kiss to my forehead. "It's okay, baby. It was a nightmare. A bad dream."

My breath hitches. That was a dream? That?!

I let myself a little loose, convincing that it will stay a dream. But in a corner of my mind, I feel doomed that I may have to go through all of this a thousand more times till it becomes my reality.

I can never escape this.

"Hansika?" Ayansh calls me again. "You're alright now. You got into panic mode last night and didn't wake up after that. So, I had a doctor come check on you."

My eyes widen. "Really?" I say as I fix my groggy voice.

He nods. And then leaning down, he pressed his forehead to mine as a single tear leaks out of his ear.

"We're pregnant, hun."

My body stills. Shit, he knows now. I try not to let my panic show in my eyes as he looks into them with his beautiful browns, but all I see in them is love.

"You're giving me a baby to spoil to the ends of the world. You're... Making me a man, Hansika," he whispers, his happy tears choking him. Getting in the bed I'm lying, he showers my face with soft kisses of love and gratitude. Tears slip out of me, this time out of elation.

What did I do to deserve this man?

"Let me love you, hun. Let me worship the woman who's bearing my child. Our child," his eyes gleam with love and tears as he places his hand on my shoulder waiting for my reply. I reach up to him, my body feeling weirdly sore, and crane my neck to meet his lips with mine.

Taking that as a sign of approval, Ayansh proceeds to shower his love on every part of my body. He pulls out every single thought of fear. He rips me out of my identity. He makes me hold on to one label alone. He's Ayansh, and I'm his pregnant wife who he loves.

I'll be glad to take that title and only that any day.

***