14 - Part 2

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April 20, 2018

The sky is a mix of light blue and purple, wherein it's trying to stay calm but the sadness is leaking out. Just a proper poke can get it to weep, but no one quite feels like disrupting the process. The process of redemption.

Hansika gets the medical bill from the counter as another hand reaches for it. She flinches away and the hand immediately raises up in defense.

"It's just me, Ma'am. Just Jogi."

Hansika mutters a quick apology. He's dead, Hansika. Stop behaving like this.

"It's alright, ma'am. I understand. I'm sorry as well," he says, taking the bill from her softly. He pays for it and collects the medicine in silence.

"I had my card with me, Jogi. I could've paid for it myself," she says.

Jogi replies, "I'm sure you could have, ma'am. But I needed to pay with Ayansh's card so that the bills can help when health insurance is being claimed." He adds with a sly smile, "I do work for an insurance company, you know?"

Hansika's lips form a thin line. She feels guilty for her words immediately.

"Hansika... Ma'am," Jogi says, "don't over think anything, please. You're safe. I won't ask you to trust me. That's a huge word and I don't expect it out of you so soon. But know that you're safe."

Hansika nods, feeling grateful. Why couldn't men like Jogi bless her life sooner? All her life, Hansika has yearned for a better representative of the male community. And now, it all comes together.

Hansika and Jogi walk in silence towards Ayansh's room. Jogi stops in his tracks midway.

"I just realized the time. You're supposed to meet the counselor now, ma'am."

Hansika shakes her head. "Ayansh first."

"Ma'am, I'll take care of him. It's his discharge today anyways. You need to talk to the counselor. Please, ma'am."

"Jogi, please."

"Ma'am, I can't let you skip another session. It's not healthy for you and Ayansh will kill me if he knew I let you skip."

She sighs. "It does not matter, Jogi. Nothing matters except Ayansh's health."

Jogi's jaw tightens. "With all due respect, Ma'am, how dare you say that?"

Hansika gulps.

"I plead you not to belittle the things that happened to you. You're important to my best friend Ayansh. Hence, you're important to me too. And I simply refuse to let you treat yourself this way. Now, please go to Dr. Grace's room for the counseling session. I promise it'll be alright."

Hansika looks away. "You don't have to take care of me, Jogi," she says in a little voice.

"Stop that right now. I care for you and Ayansh cares for you. It's there, and you need to come to terms with that. I understand it's difficult, but you can't go on thinking you have nobody, Hansika. You have us."

Hansika looks at him, her eyes blurry with tears. It's a feeling she absolutely does not want to feel. It's a feeling she does not want to get used to. But she can't help it. For the first time in forever, she wants to feel safe without constraints.

Jogi is a little surprised when Hansika reaches forward and takes his hands. The hurt woman bows her head and lets the tears fall on his hands in gratitude.

"I did nothing out of my duty, Hansika," he replies with a warm smile. "Off you go, now."

Hansika nods and parts ways with him. Her steps are feathery as she walks to Dr. Grace's office. And quite oddly, she feels her gut at ease.

"Come in," the doctor says. Hansika takes careful steps inside and meekly sits on the couch in front of the old woman. She looks like she's in her sixties and her smile puts Hansika at more ease. She can't help but smile back.

"How are we today, Hansika?" Dr. Grace asks, taking a notepad in hand.

Hansika just nods. "Fine, doctor."

"Have you been taking the medicines on time?"

She nods again. She's been loaded with them ever since she came to the hospital.

Hansika distinctly remembers the sirens. They were similar to the last time when she was in that car accident. Distinct and faded out at first, and then louder and louder, and then ringing in the middle of my head. It never ends. Even after the siren goes off, the agony never ends.

"Tell me more about the sirens, then, Hansika."

Hansika grimaces. She didn't realize she said a few words on her mind out loud until Dr. Grace remarks it.

"The sirens... are eerie. I know they're supposed to denote that you're finally safe. But, they never gave me that feeling."

"Do you not feel safe now, Hansika?"

I look at her. My gaze can't hold hers for long and I'm forced to look away. I focus on the snow globe on her table. "May I?" I ask, reaching for it. She shrugs.

Taking the snow globe in my hand, she shakes it up. The snow flakes rustle and a small storm is formed. After a while, they settle back again.

"Are these flakes safe now just because I'm not shaking it up anymore?"

"Do you feel trapped?"

She shakes her head. "Getting shaken up isn't the only problem when the snow flake is outside the globe, you know?"

"Do you feel threatened?"

"I don't know how I feel, okay?" Hansika sighs.

"That's completely alright."

They remain silent for a few minutes. Hansika thinks of the siren again. It came around thirty minutes after she killed Anirudh. She corrects herself. 'I did not kill him. He was already dead from an overdose of drugs.'

The news came as a shock to her. She remembered his last words, his laugh and his touch on her body. But the autopsy report was clear. He died from drug poisoning. He was dead minutes before his chest bore her first stab.

Just the thought makes her shudder.

"Want to talk about it, love?"

Hansika opens her mouth to decline, but the words spill out of her. "I thought I killed him. I really thought so. Stabbed him four times. Or more. Can't remember that well, but I did stab. Harsh." Her fists ball up, the nails biting into her palm.

Dr. Grace softly says, "But you didn't, Hansika. You didn't kill him."

With a shaky voice, Hansika replies, "Maybe I'm... Disappointed with that."

Again, silence. Even so, the doctor's breaths pricks her as judgemental. She continues.

"Anirudh... Made my life miserable. He killed everyone I've ever loved. Right down to my baby. He's used me in ways I can never ever truly move past. When I close my eyes..." She closes her eyes. "I feel him everywhere. Inside and out." Her breath gets shaky.

"I," she's barely whispering now, "I wanted to win. For once. He is the one who always wins. He demands things and he gets them. He sets eyes and then it's his. That was him. For once, just once, I wanted to win. I wanted him to lose. But - " her own words choke her.

"He beat me even in death." The doctor notices her erratic breaths and the mild shaking of her limbs. She offers her a glass of water.

Hansika takes it, bringing the glass to her chapped lips. Her grip on the glass is stronger than necessary; so much so that one cannot decide if she's providing the glass support or the glass is providing her support.

"Are you disappointed in his death or in yourself?" The doctor asks, nailing the last nail in the coffin.

"Myself." Hansika's reply slaps.

When another session of silence prevails, Hansika snaps. "Don't be silent. If we have nothing more to say, let me go."

Dr. Grace gives her a mellow smile. "Hansika, you are grieving Anirudh's death."

The next few words out of Dr. Grace didn't quite reach Hansika's mind. She just gets on her feet and walks away when the former denotes the end of the session.

When the ambulance and the cops arrived that day at the lighthouse, Hansika was far gone. She was limp against Anirudh's dead body and the paramedics had to pry her off. She could barely understand the situation. It was all hazy for her until they dragged Ayansh out of the room. He was knocked out cold, dried blood on the corner of his lips and blackish blue bruises covering his face and body.

Jogi was the first one to grip her arms and calm her down. She didn't quite realize she was having a panic attack until she saw it in his eyes. He kept saying that it would be alright and that everything was over. In all of that catastrophe, she didn't have the time to properly register that Anirudh is actually dead. His chapter in her life is completely done, once and for all. The realization of that brings chills to her spine.

It was only later when she woke up in the hospital bed that she knew of Ayansh's role in this whole escapade. Well, she didn't exactly know what to call it - she still doesn't - and that seemed like a good name. Ayansh and Shankar had been in a bigger fight than Hansika had imagined. The stab on his stomach hadn't weakened him as much as she'd imagined. In fact, the whole day was different than she'd imagined. Her mind was blocked with the rage that finally manifested inside her.

Ayansh had to dislocate Shankar's shoulder and make him immobile in order to win the fight. He was quick to reach for his phone and call Jogi. He could only spare a few minutes to converse because Shankar somehow gained strength again. They were still at each other's throats, tired, bleeding and bruised as they were. It was only when the cops dragged Shankar away and Ayansh got to see Jogi with his good eye, he drifted off, giving in to his fatigue.

It has been two days since. And Ayansh hasn't woken up yet. Well, not quite. The doctors operated on his leg and fixed his ribs and he's been on and off sedatives and anesthetics. The few times he did gain his consciousness back when the medicine wears off his body, he only saw his mother and Jogi. This is because Hansika didn't want to see him. Not like this, not yet.

"Hansika?" She turns and meets Hansika's mother. Taking a step back in respect, Hansika puts her head down.

"Ayansh is properly awake. The ward boys helped him sit up on his bed," Manasvi speaks in chopped sentences. Hansika squirms under her gaze. Jogi apparently explained everything to Manasvi except for the fact that Hansika never lost her memories and was also playing Ayansh. So, as far as Manasvi is considered, she knows of the story where her son married a girl who lost her memories and cooked up a perfect love story for them but then a ghost from the girl's past hit them and they have now warded it off with great difficulty. And she believes it this time. 

"Mrs. Mishra - " 

"Look, Hansika, I still don't know why Ayansh did what he did. And I don't know if I'll ever... Accept this marriage. But right now, my son has been whispering one single name for too long and as a mother, I need to provide him with that. With you." 

Hansika's breath hitches. For one second, the woman in front of her appears to her as Meenal Joshi talking to her about her son Anirudh's needs. Her grip on the blue purse she held tightens. 

"Mrs. Mishra," Hansika chokes out, thankful that she didn't mix up the names. "I can't tell you why your son did what he did. Even though my mistakes will always seem bigger than his in any and all perspectives," she ignores Manasvi's confused look, "none of us can just let go of the fact that what he did was wrong too. His wrong-doing helped me, though. It gave me an escapade, an identity and in the end, it helped me save myself." Tears well in her eyes and pride swell in her heart as she admits it for the first time. She saved herself. 

"Therefore, I cannot question it. My hands are tied. But you can, Mrs. Mishra. You're his mother. And your son did a mistake. There are two things you can do: you can either correct him and guide him towards the right path or you could just defend his mistakes and work your way around it to suit him. Either way, he's your son. And either way, it's your motherly instinct that drives you to act around him. You're one gem of a mother, Manasvi Ji, for you raised your son right. But if you want to continue raising him right, for he is still a kid in heart, I beg you to go question his doings and straighten him out. The men in our nation who commit crimes against women almost always have a mother behind them who forgave their first mistake without a question. I'm definitely not accusing Ayansh of such a crime. But I am just afraid of the chances of another such man to be brought into this society. So, please, set the wrongs to rights again. Only you can do it." 

The older woman is left for a loss of words as she stands still, letting the words sink in. Hansika takes a step forward and hugs her. "Don't worry. I'll go see him now. But I want you to think about what I said, yeah?" Manasvi nods, still dumb-founded. Hansika smiles and parts. 

Her footsteps are lighter when she walks into Ayansh's room. Jogi sees her and smiles softly. He gets up and leaves the room, giving the two some privacy. Hansika's eyes meet Ayansh's clearer ones. And they both look away real quick. Ayansh chuckles nervously. "Please sit down." 

Hansika nods and takes the chair by his feet. There are a few feet of gap between them and Ayansh despises it more than anything. He realizes that there is no need for her to fill the gap, but there's this little part of him that wishes she does it anyway. 

They call their names out at the same time and the room is instantly filled with more nervous chuckles. 

"Ayansh - " 

"Hansika, me first. Please?" Hansika chuckles at his kid-like request and nods. 

"First off, are you alright?" 

Hansika nods. "I didn't have many injuries. Just the minor ones from Shankar." She's also taking a whole load of medicine to clean her uterus out as the suppository that killed her baby wasn't enough. It's a painful process, but he doesn't need to know that. 

"Thank God. Next, are you alright?" 

Hansika shakes her head fondly. "I'm... working on it." She backs it up with a smile, something she has never cast on anyone in days. 

Ayansh smiles back. "I'm glad you are, Hansika. You're a strong woman, you know?." 

A somewhat comfortable silence sets in again. When Hansika opens her mouth, Ayansh cuts in with an apology. 

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm so sorry. I feel responsible for a part of it - and please don't deny it - and I'm really sorry." 

Hansika smiles again. "I accept your apology, Ayansh. And I pray that you accept mine as well. You also cannot deny that I used you for my safety and that was wrong. I'm the reason you're in this situation right now - " 

"But you're also the reason I lived an amazing life so far, Hansika. Everything felt worth it when we lived together pretending to be a couple. And I won't discredit the happiness I received from that part of my life; from you." 

"You can't receive happiness, Ayansh. It's a state. And I was in that state when I was with you, too." 

Ayansh looks into Hansika's eyes. "So, may we go back to that state, please?" 

Hansika looks away, a small sad smile on her lips. "We may, but not together." 

Deep down, Ayansh knows that this would be the answer. But he isn't prepared. 

"Ayansh... I've always lived on terms and conditions. All my life. The few good years of my life where I was carefree and lived without strings attached to someone was before my mother died. It's been almost two decades since that and for the first time, I see a painless window out of this web woven on top of me. I want to be independent, Ayansh. I want to be able to meet someone and genuinely hold a good conversation without feeling scared or anxious. I want to live on my terms, Ayansh." 

The silence that follows is calming for Hansika, but it is deafening for Ayansh. After a few minutes, he asks, "So, what's the plan?" The crack is his voice exposes him a little too much, but he knew right when Hansika started speaking that he gets no say in this. This isn't about him. It's about a woman and her opportunity to live the way she wants to.

"An annulment. I don't want to take any of your money or assets. Just a simple, uncomplicated mutual separation would do legally. And then, I'll move out. There are plenty of girls' hostels around here and I'll manage, don't worry. I'll also have to close the clinic. I'll apply for pediatrician in one of such big hospitals. Maybe they'll take me in. If that doesn't work out, I'll just shift the clinic."

Ayansh's unnamed guilt is choking his throat. He asks her, "What about... Us? Our love for each other?"

That immediately brings tears to Hansika's eyes. "Our love was built on too many lies. And it'll chase us. If we continue being with each other, the mistakes we did and the things we hid in the closet will come for us. And I can't take that."

"So... It's over?"

That. That's the question Hansika dreaded the most. She knew this question would come up. And the thing is, she doesn't have an answer. She can't answer that question with a firm yes or a firm no.

"Give me some time, Ayansh. That's all I'm asking." Hansika closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "I know it's so unfair on you. But I don't know what to do. If I let you go forever, I'll regret it. And I don't want to regret anything more in my life, ever. But if I continue this, I'm scared I'll end up in another loss. And I can't handle one more loss. I just - "

"I'll wait."

Hansika snaps her neck up.

"I'll wait for you, Hansika. For however long you need me to. And if you don't want me to wait anymore, you just tell me that. If there's a small probability that you'll take me back, I'll wait years and years."

"That's... Too much to ask for."

Ayansh smiles. "But I can't offer anything less. You've given me a touch of the life that I didn't know I needed so much. So, I'll just wait for another chance at it."

Hansika takes small steps and closes the gap between them. She presses her lips to his forehead and both of them close their eyes.

"I'll see you soon." Both of them say to each other.

And that was their goodbye.

***

August 14, 2018

Ayansh closes his laptop and works the kinks on his shoulders. Taking one last sip of his coffee, he gets up and tosses the glass in the kitchen sink. He just pulled an all-nighter, but that's one of the new things that makes Ayansh happy. His new travel blog.

Ever since Hansika, Ayansh has vowed to himself to do things that make him happy. Find it in his own little universe to shine and be happy. One of those things was travelling places and sharing his views on them. He gets paid a little bit, but he doesn't do it for the money.

Ayansh checks the time. He usually goes grocery shopping every Sunday morning in the local market. It's a matter of self-discipline and routine. Pulling his pants on, he fixes himself and gets out of his house.

Ayansh still lives in the same house in which Hansika lived with him. He keeps saying that it's because the view is really nice and he doesn't want to sell or lease the place, but the real reason is that he's just waiting for Hansika to come back and this house is his big window of possibility. 

Ayansh gets himself busy in the market, checking out all the fresh vegetables and meat. He truly feels like a family man when he does this, and even though he's living alone right now and he might as well just have canned food and no one would care, this restriction he's built to the way he lives really makes him happy (because he thinks it'll make Hansika happy).

"Ayansh?"

He stops in his

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