**TW: Brief indication of suicide, physical abuse**

I drive along the familiar street and bite my lip.  The same feeling of dread and bile fills my stomach and my hands sweat. I keep wiping them on my pants anxiously. I don't think there will ever be a moment when I drive down this street and don't react like this. After all, it is the street that took Jordan.

The closer I get to where I know the flowers will be the more tense I become. I shouldn't have driven down this street, but sometimes I like to just drive and test fate. Usually after an incident with my father.

I drive down this road and hope that maybe the same street that took Jordan will take me.

I turn on the bend passing the flowers, it's always the worst part. For a second I close my eyes and when I open them again I'm still here.

It didn't take me today.

I keep driving until I reach the cemetery where Jordan is buried. Walking aimlessly towards his plot. Just like his crash site it's always covered in flowers, and it always makes me frown.

Flowers from who? No one bothers to come visit, or to come sit. They simply send flowers. When you have money like the people of Manning Heights there's no reason to even bother delivering them yourself. You can always pay some to, and that's what they do.

The flowers mean nothing, they just look good. Like everything else in this community, it has to look good.

I sink down in front of Jordan's grave and stare up at the sky, because like most times I visit I'm angry.

"You left me! You fucking left me with him!"

Hot tears flood my cheeks and I wish I could stop them, but I can't.

"How could you do that to me?! Leave. I thought we were in this together and you left"

I can't help the way I shake my head angrily before dropping it between my knees.

"I could have went with you...We could have both been without his pain, but now I'm stuck and you're gone"

I bite my lip because I always struggle coming here. So many emotions overwhelm me. Anger, guilt for being angry, sadness, grief.

"I loved you. You made everything worth it Jordan. You fucking kept me from falling, kept me from giving up, and then you went and you gave up"

I shake my head sadly. Because the anger is fading.

"I guess I can't judge you, neither of us is very strong. I'll see him tonight and he'll just do it again"

I wish Jordan could answer me, tell me why he left me the way he did. Tell me how to move on, to get away from our father.

"I hate you, but I love you and I miss you. I miss you so fucking much"

I bite my lip trying to rein in my emotions.

"I wish I could have done better, made it so you were still here, been strong for the both of us like you were all those years"

I wipe my eyes and look back up at the sky.

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, that I'm not strong enough. Maybe if I had been you would still be here"

I cry silently for the next little while. Too tired to speak, nothing left to say.

I love my brother, and I know he knows that. I don't condemn him for his choices, but everyday they tear me apart and I resent him for that.

I stand slowly and walk back to my car. Climbing inside I turn it on and glance at the clock.

Time to go see him.

I drive to my parents house with no sound, no radio. Just silence. I know what will happen if I go there, but it's better then not knowing what will happen if I don't.

My body gets goosebumps when I see the familiar driveway and a layer of sweat covers my skin. I suck in a breath, it's been so long and yet it feels like the last time I was called to his study was just yesterday.

I park and get out of the car walking up the driveway when my name is called.

"Beckett!"

I turn and see our neighbor, Mrs.Henley.

"Oh hi Mrs.Henley"

She grins.

"Beckett! I didn't know you were coming back for a visit we should have dinner!"

I give her a smile.

"I appreciate that, unfortunately I'm just stopping in to see my father for a moment, but rein check for sure"

She laughs.

"We'll alright, you go ahead I know your father doesn't like to wait"

I wince at that, but cover it was a wave.

When I get inside I don't see anyone and walk towards his study with heavy steps. I knock on the door and wait, holding my breath anticipating his response.

"Come in"

I step in the room and he's sitting at his desk papers laid out before him. He looks behind me as if expecting someone to follow and nods when no one does.

"Happy to see that little rat isn't with you"

I clench my jaw knowing he's talking about Jasper, but don't respond.

He sighs standing.

"You disappointed me today Beckett. Your behaviour was..."

He gestures to me and I close my eyes mumbling the familiar answer.

"Unacceptable"

He nods satisfied with my response.

"Extremely, the way in which you conduct yourself is a reflection of what?"

I swallow knowing the answers he wants.

"This family, of you"

He hums.

"In that case how should one conduct themselves?"

My palms sweat.

"Respectably"

He huffs, not the answer he wanted.

"Respectably yes, but perhaps some pride or manner would do good as well"

I cringe.

"yes sir"

Finally he sits on the edge of his desk and stares at me.

"Remove your shirt"

Before he finishes the sentence I began unbuttoning my shirt and sliding it down my arms. We both knew this was coming.

Once I'm rid of my shirt he stands before me.

"I'll ask you once and I expect the truth"

I nod watching him.

"Did you tell Jasper that I punish you?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, but he barks at me.

"Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you!"

He shakes his head repeating the question.

"Did you or did you not tell Jasper about your punishments"

I suck in a breath.

"I did sir"

Crack! He backhands me so hard I'm nearly knocked off my feet.

"If you ever disrespect and tarnish my name like that again I'll see to it you can no longer speak my name understood?"

I shiver "yes sir"

He grunts and walks around to the other side of his desk.

"Kneel"

I drop to my knees instantly used to the feeling of the hard wooden floor digging in. Each groove memorized.

He comes back around and drops something in front of me.

"Ice your fucking face while I give you something to tell Jasper about"

I pick up the bag of ice he's dropped and hold it to my cheek, of course he'd planned this all in advance. If I ice my face now it'll bruise less, be less noticeable when I leave later.

Without warning his belt whips against my back and I yell out dropping the ice. I hadn't heard him take his belt off. How did I not hear him? I always hear it?

"Pick it up and ice your fucking face. Can you not follow simple orders?"

I force myself to pick up the ice and hold it to my face as he whips me again, and again, and again.

Over and over.

"You won't disrespect me"

Whip.

"You won't tarnish my good name"

Whip.

"Don't fucking disobey me"

Whip.

"You're a disappointment"

Whip.

"Learn some respect"

Whip.

"Get the fuck out of my house"

Whip.

Then nothing. That was it, he was done. I stand slowly picking my shirt up off the ground and putting it back on. Watching as he hangs his belt on his coat rack, that's why I didn't hear him take it off.

Once my shirt is buttoned I turn to him.

"Permission to leave sir?"

He glares at me.

"I told you to get the fuck out of my house didn't I?"

I nod.

"Yes sir"

With that I turn and walk away. Walk out the door and back to the car.

Once I'm in the car I grit my jaw and force myself not to yell out. The pain will subside, it always does.

I drive to the nearest pharmacy and pick up some ointment before heading back to the school.

I park in the back and hope that perhaps the world will have some mercy on me for just a moment and I can get to my room unnoticed.

I'm lucky. I close my door shut behind me locking it and moving to the bathroom. I remove my shirt and cringe at the deep red slashes. Some are torn open, bleeding. Others are just angry and raised.

I jump in the shower putting the water on cold clenching my jaw hard while standing under the spray. It stings and burns, but I know they need to be cleaned. An infection hurts worse I should know.

When I step out of the shower I curse because there's simply no way I can get this ointment spread everywhere it needs to go. I bite my lip and lean my head back glaring at the roof.

Then I text the only person I know will do this won't and won't ask questions.

Five minutes later Freddie walks in my room.

"What do you want?"

I huff.

"Lock my door"

He makes a confused face, but turns and locks my door. When he turns back around I turn my back to him, and pull my shirt over my head wincing as I do.

He curses "fuck! How the hell?"

I shake my head "just...can you?"

I hand him the tube of ointment and he nods without hesitation taking it and opening it.

"You shower first?"

I nod "I'm not an idiot"

He chuckles "yeah not after last time"

I roll my eyes and lean against my wall well he applies the ointment occasionally hissing when it stings. He finally pulls back and I drop my shirt down.

"Thanks"

He nods and watches me, waiting. I know he wants me to tell him what happened, but I can't talk about it.

"He did it again okay?"

Freddie winces.

"Sorry I just...I didn't think he still.."

I scoff.

"I can't talk about it"

Freddie nods, he gets it.

"Okay, I'll go. Call if.."

I nod.

"Thanks Freddie"

He gives me a tight lipped smile and it's then I realize he hasn't changed so much, my best friend is still in there.

I drink some water and give my hair a brush before taking three Tylenols and leaving my room. It's dinner time.

I sit down at the table and all three of the guys gawk at me.

"Where the fuck were you?!"

It's Jasper who speaks and I give him a pointed look.

"Language. I just went for a drive"

Derek doesn't look convinced.

"For 3 hours?"

I nod and take a bite of my food.

"Mhmm"

Jasper glares at me.

"You went to your dads didn't you?"

I pause for half a second before continuing to eat.

"No, I didn't"

I don't want to lie to them, but they don't understand.

Derek shakes his head.

"Beckett, are you okay?"

I shift my jaw.

"I didn't go Derek"

Brody narrows his eyes.

"Then where did you go?"

I sigh "I went to visit my dead brother okay?"

Brody practically chokes on his food.

"Well okay then"

Derek sighs sadly.

"Oh. That's it?"

I nod.

"yup"

Jasper watches me, I can tell he doesn't believe me, but he doesn't say anything else. We just eat the rest of our dinner and let Brody keep causal conversation going like usual.

"Best part about this whole weekend was that Derek let me steal snacks from his house to keep in my room!"

Derek glares.

"shut up idiot! It's a secret"

Brody blinks.

"Even from them?"

Derek rolls his eyes.

"We'll no, but you have a loud mouth"

Brody fakes being hurt and we spend the rest of dinner listening to him be overdramatic telling Derek how hurtful his words are.

Despite the theatrics going on across the table from us, Jasper spends the rest of dinner watching me. I know what he's waiting for, to see if I slip.

I won't.

••
This chapter is so hard to read, but also one I'm so proud of. I personally feel like you can really feel Beckett's emotions here, and understand him a lot better. Also we finally see Freddie's good side.

Word Count: 2128