↠60↞ With him

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With him

"Please, Nathan!" I give him a puppy-eyed look, passing him a light volume of poems. "Just one. For me?" I plead nicely, pouting my lips.

"Fine!" He chuckles lovingly, gently yanking the book off my hands. "Which one do you want me to read, hm?" he asks softly, turning his mint eyes to me.

"Any." I roll over onto my belly, propping my elbows on his bed that we both laid down on. "Or, pick randomly." I shoot him a sunny smile, admiring his breath-taking beauty.

"Are you sure?" He chuckles again. "I'm doing it only once. It should be special, don't you think?"

"The fact that you’re doing it makes it already special."

"Oh, alright. Let’s see then," he mutters, closing the book. He then presses his adorned with a signet ring thumb against the textblock and lets some pages quickly slip from underneath it until he finally picks a random poem. "Ready?" he asks, his eyes gleam with glee. Noticing that I am, he smiles at me, clearing his throat, his voice silver when he starts reading. "Love does not end. It travels. From a place to a place. From one person to another. And just like with holidays, it only visits the moments it can afford. It baths in the sunlight of joy, gets soaked in the downpour of sadness. It dances at the festival of life, leaves at its final hour when the clock strikes death. It has no definition, yet it does have a meaning. It travels the world without the money. Sometimes it gets lost on its way to the unknown, but in the end, after a life-long journey, it finally settles at its own place. It finally finds home. It finds . . . us."

"Are you okay, darling?" my mum asks, startling me from my musing, her face distorts in concern.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I mutter, trying to shake the memory of Nathan from my head.

After seeing Will fall asleep, I slipped out of bed and made my way downstairs, knowing too well that even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to join him in the lands of dreams. When I found myself in the kitchen, my parents were out, but then as I was sat in the living room, my mother came back. Dad on the other hand, he decided to visit one of his friends and watch a football game.

"Are you sure? You seem quite upset, Davina. Did something happen between you and Will?" she asks gingerly, her green eyes are dim with worry.

For a short while I remain silent, unsure whether I want to have this conversation right now. Is my mother going to judge me if I tell her that I miss Nathan but had sex with Will? Is she going to blame me for ruining my own relationship? Or is she going to console me and tell me that it's not my fault? Do I even want her to? Or would I rather listen to her complaints about my inability to make a decision and playing two men at once, whilst neither of them deserves to be treated this way?

"Am I a horrible person? Be honest," I ask in a small voice, biting on the inside of my cheek so harshly that it almost bleeds.

"Where did this question come from?" She gapes at me, her eyes withhold shock.

"Well, that’s what I think of myself," I mutter, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa that I’m currently sat on. I feel ashamed under her inquiring look. Ashamed of loving one person and having a good time in bed with the other, who I also have got some feelings for. Is this what I’m always going to be like? Indecisive, selfish and self-centred, even though I am fully aware of it? "I just don’t think that I’m a good person, mum," I murmur under my breath, finding the courage to finally look her in the eye.

"Why would you think so?" She gives me a furrowed look.

"Well . . .  because I miss Nathan," I draw in a breath, fiddling with my fingers.

"Oh, honey, I’m so sorry to hear this," she says, placing her hand on my knee in a comforting manner. "But how does missing him make you a bad person?"

"Because even though that’s how I feel, I still choose to . . ."

"To what?"

"To sleep with Will," I disclose, my cheeks turn crimson from the embarrassment.

Admitting this to my mother makes me feel very awkward, but I know that either I am going to be fully truthful with her, or she won't be able to give me an advice that could help me out in this difficult situation.

"Oh, I see," she mutters, her thumb fondly strokes my knee. "Does William know how you feel? You know, about Nathan?"

"Well, yeah. I had to tell him."

"And what did he say? Did it make him change the way he acts towards you?" she questions, cocking her head to the side.

"It did . . . but not in the way that I was expecting it to."

"What do you mean?" she utters, her brows lower in confusion.

"Well . . . since the party he's been acting less standoffish. He’s more open, behaves kind of sweet actually. It's so unlike him. I don't understand it," I tumble out, wrapping my fingers around the coffee mug that I’m holding in my hands.

"And what happened at the party?"

"I just told him that I still miss Nathan after he had asked me." I shrug listlessly, feeling outright glad that Will is still asleep in my room. It lets me have this conversation with my mother.

"Maybe he wants to show you that he could take Nathan’s place in your life?" she declares, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I doubt that. Will is very . . ."

"Cautious?" she asks knowingly, her are eyes soft.

"Well, yeah. How do you–"

"I'm friends with his mother, darling." She smiles at me faintly. "Sometimes we talk about you two."

"Why?" I frown.

"Because you're our children." She shrugs. "Lydia told me that Will has changed a lot after his father had cheated on her."

Yeah, and after Beverly had jumped in front of him.

"Did she tell you what he was like before it happened?" I ask, curious.

I watch my mother's expression change, her eyes light up with warmth.

"Just the way you said that he is acting towards you now. Sweet and open," she says, and smiles at me. "Lydia thinks he's catching feelings for you."

I snort. "No, he's not." I sigh, seeing my mother's confused face. "He told me this himself."

"Or maybe he doesn't want to admit it too early?" She arches her eyebrows. "Wouldn't blame him. From what I know from Lydia, he's never had a girl before. Maybe he's scared?"

"I don't know. I'm so confused." I groan in frustration, taking a sip of my coffee.

"What about Nathan? Does he know that you miss him?"

"Yes."

"And?" she pesters, making me glance up at her.

"He's not ready to give me another chance yet," I mutter, my face falls as I look down at the bracelet.

"The question is, sweetheart, are you ready to be given another chance?" she asks, making me press my mouth into a hard line.

No, of course I'm not. Even if Nathan wanted to get back together, I couldn't do it. Not when I know that there is a part of me that lives for Will.

"I guess I've never thought this way about it," I mutter, shooting my mum a weak, appreciative smile.

"You need to give Nathan time if that's what he wants. But don't live your life waiting for something that might never happen, sweetheart. If it's meant to be, it will be, but if it's not, you have to let it go and be grateful that it ever happened." She smiles, her hand strokes my slacked shoulder. "And about William, honey . . . You can't blame him for not wanting to involve himself into anything love-wise with you. After all, you are the one who offers only a part of yourself to him because you're too afraid of moving on, whilst he is there, focused only on you."

No matter how much I would like to disagree, I know that I can't. She's right. My mother is right. I have to do it. I have to once and for good let Nathan go.

I stare down at my bracelet, my eyes water up, my chest feels heavy as I undo the lobster clasp, letting the thin, dainty chain slip off my wrist. Then I look up at my mother, her eyes examine my actions.

"Please take it," I say, my voice is faint. "Nathan gave it to me yesterday. I can't wear it. It's only going to remind me of him," I murmur, dropping the bracelet down onto her palm.

"Okay, honey. I'll keep it somewhere safe in case you want it back one day." She smiles at me, her eyes subtly saddened.

"Thank you," I mutter. "I'm really glad that I could talk to you. It made me feel better, and surely made me realise how much I needed your advice." I smile but my heart doesn't.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm always here for you if you need me, you know that, right?"

"Of course," I mutter. "I love you," I add, throwing myself into her arms, her warm embrace absorbs half of the pain that I am feeling.

As she strokes my hair and kisses my forehead, someone's quiet steps resound in my ears.

"Good afternoon, William," my mother says, her voice is calm and friendly.

I quickly escape from her arms and turn my head to look at him.

"Good afternoon," he mutters, his voice is hoarse and deep, indicating that he must've just woken up. His hair is a mess, his eyes are a bit puffy. "You okay?" he asks, plopping down onto the sofa next to me. His hand reaches up to my hair, his pale, long fingers tuck its strand behind my ear.

So he hasn't changed. He's still caring and sweet. That's new. My subconscious points out, reeling.

"Yeah, I'm good." I clear my throat, smiling faintly at him.

"Would you like some coffee and breakfast, William?" my mum asks, leaping up off the sofa.

"Actually, yeah, please. I'm starving," he responds, nodding his head in appreciation. "Thank you." He shoots her a warm smile which she immediately returns.

Once my mother finds herself in the kitchen area, Will glances over at me, his dark eyes are soft.

"Are you sure that you're okay?" he questions, his stare is inquiring. "Did you even sleep?"

"No, I didn't. I had too many things on my mind." I sigh, peering over at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offers in a soft voice, his eyes withhold concern.

"No, it's fine. I've already had a talk with my mother."

"Oh, alright. Did it help?" he asks, playing with the ends of my short hair, his eyes wander all over my face.

"Undoubtedly." I bite on my lip, reaching out for my phone that I have placed on the coffee table. "It made me realize one thing."

"Oh, really?" He looks at me, intrigued. "And what is it exactly that you realized?"

"That it's finally time for me to do something that I haven't had the heart to do before." Having said that, I unlock the screen of my phone, going straight into the contacts. I can feel Will's eyes on me, and when I look up at him, he seems outright confused. "It doesn't matter how you feel about me. What matters . . . is that I know how I feel about you," I gush, my voice is staggering as I have just indirectly confessed my feelings for him. Then, swallowing the bile that rises in the back of my throat, I scroll down the contacts list, my thumb stops above Nathan's name. "I miss him, but if missing him means losing you, then I'm ready to let him go," I declare, my heart pounds loudly in my chest, my fingers slightly tremble as I delete Nathan's number.

My mind is buzzing, my thoughts are rushing but all of them come to an instantaneous halt when happiness explodes in Will's eyes like fireworks and he throws himself onto me, his arms crush my shoulders in a tight hug.

He's happy. And as my body remains in his embrace I start to think that one day I can be happy, too. With him.

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