chapter thirteen

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"I have a preposition." Devontae's brows raise in surprise at my sudden outburst. "Shoot." He says. I'm sitting on his bed with Nala in my lap as I scratch her ears, she's getting so big as the weeks go by. I've been coming around her so often that she barely even notices the guys anymore. She just bypasses them and comes directly to me, and where I go, she follows. He looks at me and her with a scowl, his dog giving me more attention than him. Nala turns over onto her back and I scratch her belly and he grumbles under his breath.

He shoves his clothes into the hamper and shuts it closed but it does close all the way. He stares at it for a couple of minutes before giving up and throwing himself on the bed. His body weight makes Nala and I bounce multiple times before settling on the mattress. This time I scowl at him, and Nala too makes eyes at him, he holds his hands up in mock surrender, "Geez, aight no need to look at me like that."

I roll my eyes at him, then I remember the news I forgot to tell him yesterday, "remember my cousin, India?" Devontae nods, looking at me pointedly "You mean your twin?" I laugh, used to the twin comment by now, "Yeah, that one. She called me to say that she's getting married. Well, my mom spilled the beans before she did." He stretches before, putting his arms behind his head, and laying down flat on his back, looking at the ceiling, "That's cool, when is the wedding?"

"In three weeks." I answer. Devontae sits up and looks at me bewildered, "What? Is she gonna be able to plan a whole wedding in that time?" I shrug, knowing how adamant India is to get married so soon but it's all she's ever wanted, to be truly loved and cherished for, "Imagine how I felt when she told me." He lays back down on his back, repositioning himself back to his earlier posture, "What's the rush though?"

I pick the Rottweiler up and places her on his stomach before laying down next to him, "She said something about not wanting to waste any more time, they have been together for a while." He glances at me, "So do you like the guy?"

My body shakes with laughter, "Yes, luckily. Unlike her ex." He looks at me questioningly, "Don't ask." Not really wanting to delve into the whole cheating trifling stupid ass of an ex. He snickers at my dismissal and pets Nala who's nestled soundly on his stomach. "Do you...eventually wanna get married?" He asks me suddenly.

The past couple of days has given me the time to think about how I feel about the man lying next to me. How I really feel. I worries that should we pursue something more we put everything at risk, and should we break up, it'll affect everybody else. As much as we are grown adults and we should be able to handle our shit, I can't help the funny feeling that it still will change the dynamic of our friend group. Especially now that we hang out together more often. I also worry about what it could possibly mean for our friendship should things get messy.

I don't answer at once, I stare at the ceiling above me, gathering the right words before I say the words bluntly, "not really, no." He rears his head back like someone slapped him. He didn't expect that answer. "Why not?"

"More so because everyone assumes every woman on this world wants to get married. Not every woman wants to live up that. Like get married, and birth children. There's more to life than just becoming someone else's wife."

Devontae turns his head to look at me fully, I know he is even though my eyes are still stuck on the ceiling, "care to elaborate?"

"I mean, that marriage is a very big commitment that nobody seems to understand. It means that you must spend the rest of your life with someone else and trust them with the most fragile thing, your heart. A ring and a wedding certificate symbolizes nothing when you don't have a relationship. A good one even. Someone who'll accept all your flaws, like how grouchy you are in the morning without your morning coffee, the stubbornness you possess as well, your addiction to ice cream." He gasps exaggeratedly cause I finally admitted it.

Finally.

I point my white acrylic pointer finger at him as I narrow my eyes at him, her white acrylic, "you don't say shit about that to anyone, or else you're dead." Devontae makes as if he zips his lips and throws the imaginary key away.

I laugh softly before crossing my arms over my chest, before saying, "A marriage certificate or flashy rings doesn't make a marriage, it's the work you put into it and if the person I so happen to meet doesn't put the work into it then. . .he's not meant to be with me."

He looks at me with an emotion I cannot describe, his dark brown eyes swirling as his eyes remain on my face, I look away because his gaze becomes too much, and I wonder what exactly he is thinking and what was the emotion I cannot pinpoint that was going on behind his eyes.

"So, what's the preposition?" He asks me again. Shit, I had hoped he'd forgotten.

"I need you to be my date." I ask, cringing at how my voice sounded so squeaky. His brows nearly disappear to his hairline but his mouth twitches, indicating his desire to smile. "I never thought you'd be the one to ask me out."

"Shut up. Are you gonna be my date or not?" I ask exasperated and he puts me out of my misery. "Of course."

...

𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐟𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 black woman. 𝐈'𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐈 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥. 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐰 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡.

𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝, 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥, 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 against people of colour 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦.


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