Two days, fourteen hours, and twenty minutes since I last seen Devontae, since I last spoke to him, touched him and since he broke up with me. Which to me feels very strategized to me, the way he spoke, his tone, the look in his eye. It didn't feel like him, not even the slightest.

Then the kiss. I can't formulate words or even begin to describe it. It was way different than all the others we've shared. We've had hard, heated kisses, sloppy ones, cute short ones, sexy one where either of bite each other's lip then there's that one, it was more like an 'I'm sorry' or 'goodbye' kiss. Either or, maybe even both. I don't know.

Apart of me misses him and another part of me hates him and I know that's a motherfuckin' lie because I could never hate him, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I do, I can't. I more so hate what he did than him, that man has practically been a part of my life for nearly four years as a friend and as a lover. I was just getting used to him being my partner and now he's gone.

I'm also hurt, the things he said...he can't risk...wow. That part of our conversation more less killed me. He values his career over me. Not that I would ever want him to choose between me and his career, I would never I'm not selfish in that sense, but I at least wanted him to fight for us, to fight for me. I wanted nothing more than for him to fight, that's why I kept giving him a chance to change his mind, but he didn't.

That's what infuriates me most. I been surviving on three hours of sleep, four cups of coffee, and two cans of energy drinks for the last forty eight hours and I can already feel myself burning out. Work has become a hell hole and I quit this morning. I gave in my notice and the manager gave me the whole 'no work, no pay' lecture and honest I could care less. Working at the diner, gave me something to do other than schoolwork and some pocket change but at this point I choose peace. I've been holed up in my room since I left Devontae's place, just living in my pj's, pigging out on junk food, and watching every show I've been delaying to watch.

I haven't been to class either. The guys have checked on me within these last two days. Rome especially he hasn't let up, the persistent pain the ass he is. I expected an 'I told you so' from him but he didn't breathe a word, just said he hopes I'm okay and he's gonna rearrange Devontae's guts whether he's his best friend or not because I did nothing wrong.

Point made but there's no point and as much as I am upset, Devontae getting beat up won't make me feel better. "Kiki?"

I look up from my laptop to look at Sasha who's dressed to the nine's, she's wearing a black mini dress with a kriss cross pattern on her waist showing off her toned stomach, she's got some black killer stilettos on, and her hair is tied in an updo. The wig install she just got is amazing, can tell its quality. She always got something going on whether it's an event, a model gig, going to the club, miss girl always got plans. My social battery could never, I need time to recharge and by time, I mean at least a week or more. She's brave.

"I'm going out with James and everyone, should I bring you something back?" Aww, Sasha...

"Depends on where you going, do they got wings and fries?" I ask with an arched brow, hopeful.

"Yeah, I checked the menu out last night, apparently it's poppin'." She says leaning against the doorframe with her hip. Another thing 'bout Sasha she can't go any place to eat, without checking the menu before going there. That way she doesn't get slumped or surprised by what they got, or it gives her the motivation to go or not. Honestly as long as they got champagne, she's good to go.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Lemon pepper with ranch dip please." Can never go wrong with the ranch. She nods, "gotcha," she turns to leave before turning back around to face me, "are you sure you gonna be okay? I can cancel and spend the night with you if you don't wanna be alone."

I know she's worried, but I could with a lot less pity right now, I'm already having a pity party up in this bitch. "Nah, I'm okay you can go, babe. Go have fun."

She pouts, "okay if you say so. See you later, love you!"

"Yeah, love you too." I mutter as she closes the door behind her. I sigh and resume my streaming. I wonder if he's gonna be there.

...

"Nah, y'all go have fun. I'mma just stay here." I say, pretending to be focused on what's going on the TV but I'm not. It's just serving as background music at this point. There's no purpose in going out right now.

God, I fucking miss her. I haven't washed my sheets in almost two weeks, they still got Kiana's scent on them and honestly, it's only thing that lulls me to sleep because my thoughts keep me up at night and I can't survive on less than five hours of sleep with the chaotic schedule I got going on.

Kiana hasn't pitched up to class and I don't blame her, I wouldn't wanna see my face too. I heard she quit her job at the diner too, I'm glad she did but I wish it were under better circumstances. Luke's been keeping me in the loop while the others have practically been ignoring me. I don't blame them either. Rome has given me the coldest of shoulders ever, and he's my best friend but I know he's fucking mad at me.

Sasha gives me the most deathly stare when we cross paths and it makes me wanna shit my pants, Cassie hates my guts too, if her total silence goes by saying and Cass is usual so rambunctious and upbeat, Amaal to has joined the gang and she's the sweetest of all Kiana's friends, I know she don't hate me but it's safe to say she's disappointed.

I hear the door shut as the guys leave and I slump further on the couch. I wonder if she's there.

....

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Damn, Devontae is in the doghouse, lmao.